sex: m

1. birthday？ 21.08.82
2. signs of the zodiac？ leo
3. occupation？ architorture
4. glasses？ yes and contacts
5. earrings？ no
6. current watch brand？ kenneth cole
7. short/long hair？ short
8. dyed hair color？ no
9. favorite colour？ orange
10. dieting？ i hope not
11. favorite food？ chinese
12. least favorite food？ dried oysters
13. favorite snack？ french fries
14. favorite drink？ milk green tea
15. favorite store/restaurant？ ikea/edo
16. drink？ occassionally
17. last cd purchased？ architecture in helsinki – fingers crossed
18. recent favorite song？ no other way – jack johnson
19. favorite singer？ jack johnson
20. when k-ing, song that you must sing？ something by eason
21. which concert to attend？ faye
22. play instrument？ nope…but i know how to appreciate them
23. favorite type of movie？ comedy
24. movie @ home/theatre ? theatre
    
25. most recent watched movie？ war of the worlds
26. thoughts afterwards？ don’t waste your money
27. most anticipated movie？ none
28. most remembered movie？ shrek 1
29. favorite actor？ my boss, some of my coworkers…haha
30. watch scary movie alone？ no
31. favorite movie quote？ not good at remembering what is said in movies
32. favorite mangaka？?
33. favorite animation？ peanuts
34. favorite animated character？ linus
35. most recent book purchased？ the curious incident of the dog in the night-time
36. favorite author？ mitch albom
37. next book for purchase？ something related to architecture
38. subscribe to magazine？ dwell
39. book that must be read？ bible
40. favorite type of clothing accessory？ me
41. favorite brand？ i’m not about brand
42. brand not worth the $？ plenty
43. deciding factor when purchasing clothes？ do i need it?
44. current cell phone？ ericsson t610
45. current ring tone？ spring thaw
46. items must bring when leaving the house？ brain, keys, cell phone, wallet
47. game consoles？ ps2
48. favorite type of game？ rpg
49. ideal place (country) to visit？ switzerland
50. favorite symbol that represents you？ happy smiley
51. collections？ peanuts, architecture stuff
52. favorite saying？ haha
53. posters in your room？ not in my bedroom, back the bid…london, god is good
54. ugliest decor at home？ anything not modern…haha
55. most wanted furniture？ comfortable sofa
56. least favorite type of ppl？ judgemental...but then i'm supposed to be cuz i design? so nevermind
    
57. language to learn？ manderin
58. anything weird about yourself？ sure
59. love = important？ yes
60. further quality of your other half？ sincere
61. want to get married？ sure
62. favorite season？ summer
63. favorite flower？ sunflower
64. favorite festival？ christmas
65. believe in fortune telling？ no
66. phobias？ deadlines
67. what is happiness？ being completely comfortable with myself/yourself
68. most important thing in the world？ God
69. do you believe in God？ yes
70. where will you be.. after you die？ heaven
71. live by motto？ only a life in the service of others is worth living
72. dream？ living in a house designed by me
73. specialties？ ?
74. way to make yourself feel better？ talking with other people
75. describe yourself。 linus
76. wisdom or good looks？ wisdom
77. which animal best represents you？ right now…panda
78. if you can choose, what nationality will you choose next life？ european
79. anything to say？ is work over yet?
80. current time？ 3:30pm
81. finished.. your thoughts？ this is far from knowing me...good start though! i don't really know myself that well either.

a prayer away

office 9-5

my unrest has brought me to the doctor and medicine once again
overly anxious, i don't want to say, but stressed
_________________________________________

what can take a dying man and
raise him up to life again?
what can heal a wounded soul?
what can make us white as snow?
what can fill the emptiness?
what can mend our brokenness?

mighty, awsome, wonderful
is the holy cross
where the lamb lay down His life
to lift us from the fall
mighty is the power of the cross

what restors our faith in God?
what reveals the Father's love?
what can lead the wayward home?
what can melt this heart of stone?
what can free the guilty ones?
what can save and overcome?

by chris tomlin
_________________________________________

you're only a prayer away

happy to be

happy i am for this person to come into my life
i knew something special was there the moment i saw her

the more i discovered, the more i fell
________________________________________

ouch! something inside is hurting!
i don't know what it is...
it's not usual that i get pain after eating.

'get more rest' everybody says.

and i say 'no, how can i rest?'

i fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes
cuz i couldn't really work with the constant pinching pain
around the stomach area.
augh...it's still there.

beautiful day today.

really, i wish i could rest.
uhggggg...

dream come true

**warning** system overload

entering a dangerous state

as i sat down at the table today, after work, with my mentor,
one of the most amazing people i know...if i haven't mentioned already
i was nervous

i didn't have a lot of work done
i knew it
i was already working all my hours...

it felt so unreal.
me? at the table with my mentor, this great, great architect
i was astonished

i felt somewhat ashamed of what i brought to the table...
is that all i had?

we talk, we laugh at our crazy ideas...
and not a single word of negativity is spoken.
at the art supply store, she saw i got a tad anxious
she said 'don't stress it, i don't want you to'
haha...see can see right through me
most likely due to the end of the work week after a long day at the office
working on a boring...ugly project
i absolutely looked forward to meeting with her.
after all, it's design work

i watched her sketch...and i was again, so astonished.
by watching her sketch, i was learning
how fast and how nice they are

the ideas kept flowing out of her...
and me? my brain was not too functional
i was exhausted, but resisted to show any sign

the people at work don't come close to being like my mentor,
far from

she said, 'so what do you think?'
i said 'i can't even believe i'm working on this project with you.'
she says, 'it's just the beginning, there are many great things that are going to happen with you.'

haha...what? how many people would even say that

it's like a dream come true.
blessed by a beautiful soul.
one that is extremely talented.

i will now attempt to sketch like my mentor does
and truly a mentor she is.

early morning

wearing down
wearing out

hey...i like it at least
so it's okay

create a set of working drawings...week and half left
augh...

i can't really remember all i've learned yesterday...haha
some people i'd like to talk to

somebody just told me to go to the beach...
ah....that would be nice...
_____________________________________________

so now it's 7...just got home...took a shower
and back to the computer,

'we'll go over the work tomoro, after lunch,' my coworker said
sounds good, if only i can pull off the work

save some for tomoro
or else i would have nothing to do the next morning
or...no sleep

very glad it's a friday tomoro

mr working man

triple yikes

piling it on...
when i thought i was at my limit...
stuff continues to be added to the list
ten fold

very nerve racking yet exciting

they give me so many new things to do...
so i just gotta keep on top of it

and the deadlines are so fast.
these couple of weeks i may disappear into thin air.
i need more time...
studio and work...

i get to be second designer
and i get to head a project!

when the doctor told me to get more rest...
now i can't really see how that will happen.

i haven't got more rest than when he first told me anyways.

just don't crash.

the clouds part

it's like having the best slice of pizza in the world

the light visible
how amazing you are.

the words will flow,

what makes this time so great
who makes me feel so great

my hands grip hold the edge of the earth
i pull myself out
i look around
everything seems fresh
like coming out of the grave

a blend of all my favourite things
of all my favourite things
of sights, of sound, of taste, of people

meeting and finding unexpected - rare opportunity
a stroll in perfect weather through a memorable art exhibition
savouring the best cake in town
a phone call i was happy to receive and make

thinking i would need to cook my meal at home
i enter the door
and join my brother and his friends for dinner

i didn't have the best slice of pizza this day
but everything combined today may even surpass
having the best slice of pizza in the world
which i had in florence.

the clouds part,
is the light too bright for me?

going out of service

so so tired.

worth it though?
i ended that with a period at first...
then changed it to a question mark.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i need to sleep!
@$#%$#%

how to get stuff done after work...when i'm a complete wreckage.

i enjoy working on the project at the office...
it feels like i'm in studio
and i'm talking to professors.
discussing ideas...throwing things back and fourth
now it's business
and pertains to something that might actually happen.

i get to discuss one on one on how the building should be layed out.

i'm beginning to think i need a stronger input on this project,
because there's no strong theoretical basis for the design yet...
and all those years of school are coming into such great use.

if i put more effort into it...although exhausted,
i think maybe we can win the clients over.

i'm glad that the company appreciates my help.
and values me working there.

weekend...weekend...where are you...

what if

where am i?

my health is plummeting,
and i had no idea
i was compromising my well being

not clear of exaclty what's going on
since i didn't get the message myself

the remedy?
more rest the doctor ordered.

more rest???
how unrested am i?
my vision is quite blurry right now.
does that mean i need rest?
i'm beginning to see double
ay...
but i do get 7 hours of sleep each night.
that is a consistent 7 hours a night.
no naps.
that's more than plenty of people right?

i don't know,

i thought yesterday what if...
what if i had something really bad,
would i be afraid?
easily i told myself no.

d really needs to rest.

another summer day on upper road

another summer day
has come and gone away
in paris and rome
but i wanna go home

maybe surrounded by
a million people i
still feel all alone
i just wanna go home
oh i miss you, you know

and i've been keeping all the letters that i wrote to you
each one a line or two
'i'm fine baby, how are you?'
well i would send them but i know that it’s just not enough
my words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

another aeroplane
another sunny place
i'm lucky i know
but i wanna go home
i've got to go home

let me go home
i'm just too far from where you are
i wanna come home

and i feel just like i'm living someone else's life
it's like i just stepped outside
when everything was going right
and i know just why you could not
come along with me
but this was not your dream
but you always believe in me

michael buble - home

i heard this song first when i was in europe,
and the lyrics hit dead centre.
_________________________________________

good cartwheeling...
and tasty straberry cake? it's a melty cake...
we totally should open go for kick.
look what we can do! hahaha...
i've never seen anything like it!

le wo la ch lu
haha...what the?!

gotta come up with the best team name
i wonder how this will all turn out.

i must get work done today.
_________________________________________

i'm going by the upper road, for that
still holds the sun,
i'm climbing through night's pastures where
the starry rives run
if you should think to seek me in my
old dark abode,
you'll find this writing on the door
'he's on the upper road.'

lounging

distillery district

_______________________________________

i'm doing well,
very well.

it's gonna all be okay...i can feel it.
_______________________________________

it's another one of those do nothing, catch up with myself kind of days.
though the procrastination constantly follows

how nice it is just to lounge outside without a care in the world.

i spent most of my day loading all of my music on my new creative.
thanks to my brother.
5 gigs of music...

_______________________________________

work is fun...
so i'll be working on the distillery district project!!!
along with the designer (who just came back from climbing everest)
that will be awsome.
and now i'm designing some signage...
so i'm not a full time cad monkey!

between me and me

as blessings overflow,
the bottom of the cup sprung a leak.

i know i need rest,
finally get to sleep in just that little bit more
but only because i have a doctors appointment
i get to skip work half for the morning
but then i don't want to waste my time sleeping.
*i just kicked myself for thinking that.

i feel tired.
as tired as i was during thesis.
i always like listening to yuki kuramoto's piano when i write.

glad it's the long weekend, or any weekend at all.
so tired.
_________________________________________

tonight i start my pact.
it will last for a month.
don't know what it is yet.
something between myself and i.
something i will hold myself to.
i will think of it in 10 minutes, before today ends. _________________________________________

so it's been more than a year since my first entry.
back at the same office.
haha...i was just reading my past entries...haha...
when u look back at the past, you laugh
the way i write is different.
choppy, no longer writing long continuous sentences.
short, to the point, many times missing the point.
like my point form notes.
_________________________________________

back to the pact. (a formal agreement)
in these 31 days, i will hold myself to...
this is hard...
for one, to stop beating myself up.
for two, ________________________ (in my mind)
both need a lot of work.
the work starts now.
_________________________________________

live your life.
stop complaining about it.

let me go

pictures now come with posts.

it's been a great weekend.
it's been a great week.

dragon boating is too much fun, i think i need to join a team next year!

'swimming on a sea of faces,
tired of the human races,
an answer now is what i need.'

i don't know how it happens, and it happens often
but last night, after much self inflicted grief,
i opened up my devotional,

'you do not realize now what i am doing, but you will understand.' john 13:7

i don't realize, and i am far from understanding.
those words came at a time i needed them most.

'in this life, we have an incomplete view of God's dealings, seeing His plan only half finished and underdeveloped. yet one we stand in the magnificent temple of eternity, we will have the proper perspective and will see everything fitting gracefully together.'

deep breath,

'i do not ask my cross to understand,
my way to see,
better in darkness just to feel your hand,
and follow thee.'

the tears stopped,
the prayer didn't.

i drifted to sleep.
___________________________________

as the morning came
worship began
and a great worship it is
i sang with my heart
loud and clear
my grief gripped close
yet to release

then i thought,
my grief?
it is not important,
not me, but you.
i'm caught up,
loosen your grasp,
let me go, so i can hold on

my boat, held back by my own inablity to see.

surely down

as i enjoy the quickened pace of my life,
moving so fast i can't really keep up.
the sun goes down at 10:00.

i finally feel i need to use my time wisely once again.
work starts, there isn't much time left in the day to do other things.

my spiritual side has definitely taken a tumble.

work turned out alright today.
being pulled in different directions by the people in the office.
i was even negotiated for.

you can have this person, and i'll have him
or would you rather have him?

i'm glad i'm put to good use at the office.
finally getting into something more interesting.

and i would never imagine that doing an OBC review is something interesting...but the building is in distillery district!

alright, time for the so called 'second job'
man...i get home to work again...
and i'm afraid i won't fully know how to complete the OBC review, so i'll look into it tonite...
______________________________________

so many times i feel like i'm being stabbed in the thigh.
and it won't go away.
everywhere i turn,
everywhere i look and hear.
i already saw from the peak that there is downfall
it just depends how fast or slow
it's going slow,
but surely down.

as i turned out the lights,
i continued listening,
i could not help
but do what i heard.

already there you know

you got it the wrong way round completely
the fact that i love you so
doesn't make me a fool
one day you just might grow tired of chasing
the end of a rainbow
your already there you know

so slow down
tell me why you're running
turn round
let it out and keep it coming
nothing i can do if i can't get to you
slow down

slow down - natalie imbruglia

take care, stay safe

so sad so sad...

people come and go...
people just seem to be going now.
one by one,
everyday, one seems to leave.

stop leaving!
_______________________________

these four years would not have been the same without you my friend.
we've been through so much in university.
take care, stay safe, i'll remember you in my prayers.
_______________________________

workin late tonight...

happy father's day.

i feel i have plenty to write...but my words are not cooperating tonight.

sweet dreams

graduation is what happened today
congradulations is the word i heard the most today
relief is what i felt today

seeing everybody at school for one last time.
the time and effort was well worth it.
it was more than an education, learning experience.
it was time well spent.
and i thought today that i wouldn't mind a few more years of school.

this week has been awsome.
and it will continue through.

i've never had such a good nap before
not usually a nap person,
but this week has drawn the battery life out of me.

some more time to sit and let things sink in.
some more solitude.
need to plug in and recharge.

haha...at the peak of the ride.

eventful

if everyday is like today that would be terrific.
so many things happened.
work was great.
i cleaned up the mess in the library quickly and had the drawings sorted.
office meeting with lunch included as usual every tuesday.
i was allowed to leave work early to attend friend's convo.
extremely hot and humid.
it's fun to see my highschool friends downtown.
i met my good friend.
a new friend.
and somebody back from elementry school.
i wasn't sure it was her so i called her name.
she didn't respond until my friend called her name.
it cool to meet somebody i haven't seen for so long.
it's been so long...10 years.
she didn't recognize me...
in 10 years people change.
but i still recognized her without her glasses.

dinner was great.
hanging out was great.
i wonder how long before i see my friend again...going back to hk to stay.
hopefully not in 10 years.

an eventful day.
i find staring out the window more interesting than the tv or computer screen.
looking forward to another day.

smiling like a billionaire.

feeling warm

my first day of work went well, i get my own office, don't know how long that will last. maybe just till the end of july. didn't do anything fun today in the office, but at least i'm not working CAD drawings from the start.

at my grandparents place after work to eat a long...long dinner.
why so long? i asked a few simple questions, and my grandmother went on...and on...haha
no longer relating to my questions. but that's my grandmother.
she has many stories about my dad, her parents, her life and how it was tough.

i have seen on tv before what it's like to live decades ago, but can't fully comprehend her descriptions of the past. she said she has been told that she has worked so much it equals to three lifetimes of work. and i know how hard she works, i can sense it in her tone of voice. through all this my grandfather remains silient. he isn't much of a talker or doer.

so life was that difficult back then.
is life hard these days?
it's funny how we can still find things to complain about.
is life back then, at any level, comparable to life today?
what are things we suffer through in the modern day?

we don't need to worry about having food on the table, we worry about where to eat.
when we have satisfied our basic needs we try to satisfy others ones.
but we, or i, will never be satisfied.

problems in the modern day?
plenty. the world is very messed up,
more complex than comprehensible.

do i think life is easy?
no.

when my grandmother was talking about her past i could see the tears in her eyes.
i sort of wish i have a story to tell that would bring tears to my eyes.

i think i do...
i'll save it for my grandchildren.
___________________________________

lately, each day...
i have been receiving heart-warming gestures,
i'll keep them close when i'm not feeling that great.
sometimes i wish there is a way of thanking more.

a group, a friend, a friend overseas.
thank you.

here i go

i step into the real tomoro.

i've been there before,
different this time?
not just a summer job.

today someone said it's all downhill once the job starts.
haha....great!

so work tomoro?
all that commute.
i do get a raise.
no promotion though...isn't much to be promoted to.
not many levels in a small company.

okay...work time.

day off

forgiven.

that's what it says on the pendant i wear on my neck.

i've grown to be more comfortable in my own shoes.

i have taken the day off. not that i have work.
sit, stretched out on the sofa, watching a movie that is both 'simple and deep' of life lessons till falling asleep. that is a day off. a day off from life.

my version of a day off is not taking a day off work and packing the day until no time is 'wasted.'
alone in my thoughts, cut off from the world.
too much is certainly not good as i've learned from previous experience.

i'm needed nowhere.
by nobody.

it's a good feeling sometimes.
today it is.
there are not too many days in the future where that is even possible.
enjoy them.

on grandparents

what makes a grandparent?

today after my so called interview with my previous boss
i've been hired again with the pay to be determined when i start working. but with a range in mind.
the office doesn't have enough computers for so many people.
after that, i had lunch with a friend who's working 5 min away from my office.
good that somebody's close!
lunch was good.

then i headed back up to see my grandparents. i haven't seen them for almost a year. i figured it's on my way home, i definitely need to make a stop to see how they're doing. my grandmother is great. question one - how are you? question two - have you eaten? question three - have you eaten? i've eaten i replied, and again. but then how can i resist some good home cooked congee or whatever food that always ready to eat at my grandparents. we went shopping for some groceries after. they can buy more because i can drive the groceries back, so i'm glad. it's fun to watch my grandmother shop for groceries. i guess she's very chinese...haha. they're cool, loving, and laid back.

i gotta spend the rest of my 'holidays' well...relax as much as i can.

_____________________________________________


i don't wanna be anything other than what i'm trying to be lately.
i'm tired of looking around wondering what i gotta do or who i'm supposed to be.
i don't wanna be anything other than me.

it's not that bleak

my parents really know how to make me the happiest kid in the world.

haha...they are full of surprises sometimes.

i went with my mom to shop around a mall, and she bought, i didn't.
i said i'm gonna wait till i get a job first.
i just went to europe! i'm all spent.
being largely subsidized for a second time on eurotour, has been the biggest gift in my life.

so today i was looking at watches and shoes. my watch scratched up from putting it in my pocket mixed with coins in europe. and my shoes that i've worn to europe? i haven't touched them since i got home. they're real nasty. haha...

i was ogling at a watch today for really long. going back to it more than once. looking through the counter, trying it on. nice...but not in my unemployed budget. no way. i wouldn't spend that much for a watch. and plus i'm unquestionably over quota for this years purchasing.

stuff just litters the office i'm in. things from the nine countries i've just visited.
things. too many things that i keep trying to clear, but it's taking days.

so what happens after dinner. my parents go out to to the mall, my dad goes to buy a shirt. my mom needs to make an exchange for a purchase.

so after i wash the dishes, wash my turtle, water the lawn, clean up, home they come with the watch i olged at today.

the expression on my face. haha...kodak moment.

then it turns to 'what?' don't get me this watch, i'm far from deserving it.
what the?!

haha...it's the coolest watch ever.

i don't deserve so much that i have.

i've been called spoiled before. you know what? it doesn't feel that great.
that's alright.
i like to think i spoil my parents the same.
what does it mean to be spoiled anyway? to be loved more than one deserves?

looked it up...haha...so it's 'having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention.'

does my character shows harm through pampering or oversolicitous attention?

enough of that.

tomoro i gotta visit my boss to discuss job.
see what happens.

just as life is.

i apologize for my need to be unclear and obscure.

just as life is.

have a seat

ever been hit by a possible life changing moment?
a few minutes changing the course of the future?
scary as it sounds.
it is.

as my few minutes came to me today.
i didn't seem so shocked.
although scary.

and so? am i being told something? i really think so.

the doctor said it, and i was baffled.

i'll be fine.
right?

_____________________________________

and so i'm up late...as was before the trip.
feeling a bit sorry for myself.

anybody listening?
*screams

i gotta stop before it starts again.
breath...and turn of the computer.

to return

selected excerpt from eurojournal.

may.11.2005

the higher the path, the harder the climb, but each step taken one day at a time...still a few more steps until reaching the top. the view...amazing. the sun is out, not too cold, not too hot. the air, fresh. walking stick in hand. snow capped mountains. there is peace. there is more to life. so relaxing though so tired.

we eventually didn't make it all the way to the peak of the mountain. but i'd say we were at three quarters the way. the hike back down was easier, but with no food in the stomach at 2pm my knees were shaking. the leaves on the ground made it easy to slpp, and occasionally there would be a tree that blocked the way. we finally made it back down, took the wrong train, and eventually getting back to east interlaken. we bought food and cooked it in the hostel. they charged for everything! using their stove cost 1 swiss frank for 20 min of stove heat!

_________________________________________

i'm trying to return, or not to return to my everyday life as per before the trip.
today has been great.

it started with waking up to go to church.

church...it seems such a distant memory.
the people, as always, warm to the touch.

i returned home to go out for dim sum, then remembering why i don't like driving.overcrowded parking lots. should do more walking instead.

but then again, i enjoyed drving so much today, besides the parking factor. it felt so good, to be alone in the car, with the music turned up. privacy, alone time is what i lost for 35 days, and in the car i found out how necessary it is.

the time spent at home is good, doing everyday things, no work, no school. this is the life?

later in the night was an impromtu barbeque at our house. rummaged the fridge for whatever food that could be cooked on the grill. and we came up with quite the menu. had plenty of fun, and ate well.

it was good.

what am i doing with my time? the right things? am i spending it well? does it really matter?

i don't think it did today.

i'm home

i'm finally home.

it's too good to be home.

living in hostels and cheap hotels have made me so happy and feel so fortunate to come back to home.

i kept laughing when i took a shower...it was just too good...haha...i haven't had such a good shower in a long time...

i can litterally see black circles under my eyes...

haha...man...i got a lot to write about.

man...i love the room i'm in. i love my house. my garden. my family.
___________________________________

i'm a different person now that i'm back,
changed?
many folds,
some visible, many not.
(at least now i'm wearing clean clothes...haha)

i know more who i want to be.
i know more who i should be.

for me? for everybody.

'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.' matthew 16:24.

deny myself, take up the cross.
simple answer.

i've learned that i take too much for granted.

i've begun to understand that things around me are placed there or seen for a reason. the people that come and go are there because they were meant to be there.

it's been an life changing month. a once in a lifetime experience, a tiring vacation, and an eye opening adventure.

i now need a real vacation.

thanks,

ciao.

stay happy

trying to keep spirits up

euro day 2

day 2 of europe posted

wishing you well. =)

back soon

so i go to europe tomoro...
my bag is so heavy...i gotta try to lighten it somehow...
feelin' a bit anxious...
_________________________________

when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep
because it hurts when i think when my thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make and the chances we take
they're not yours they're not mine
there are waves that can break
all the words that we said and the words that we mean
and the words can fall short, can't see the unseen
because the world is awake so for sombody's sake
now please close your eyes
please get some sleep

too much silence can be misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came well it's leaving
it's leaving

i'm leaving.

updates will be on www.eurobound.blogspot.com
take good care people.
back soon.
with new understanding,
and hopefully a renewed mind.

walk with me

i must not hurt myself anymore.
there is too much care, too much love, too many blessings, for me too be sad tonight.
to continue self degredation is wasted energy and time.

i take a step.
each step has it's good and it's bad. thanks. =)

walk along with me.

what's wrong

i'm so tired...
this euro planning is quite tough after all...looking for addresses...booking...
the timing is hard to get right. hope things go well...but if not the schedule is definitely flexible.

sigh...things in the back of my head are driving me crazy.

i can't sleep, i feel so restless so unresolved.

2 days left to go? i feel unready.
i need more time to think and reflect.
errr...i'm going to sleep now....man...it's 3:20...why am i still up...
restless and unresolved.
auuuuuuuugh.
somebody just knock me out.

_______________________________________

8 hours after.

i had went through the toughest night yet.
tears till i fell asleep.
i thought these things only happen in movies or on tv.
not to me.
i felt unreal.
yet i couldn't stop.
i probably fell asleep at 5am
the latest this year and i don't even have school.
how much longer i can go on.
through this supposed times of happiness of finishing school
and going on a trip.

'i hear your voice on the line,
but it doesn't stop the pain.'

need some peace

help me stop these tears
they fall like the rain we've been having

right here waiting

i know you're out there Lord.
how come it hurts so much? how come?

and why do i only look to the hurt?
looking at today, i cannot help but think that God, you're working in me. you stir in my heart.

why don't i count my blessings? why can't i just focus on one of them and be content?

as i listen to the song 'right here waiting' i am broken into pieces.
God has written the lyrics. waiting for me, no matter what i've done.

right here waiting - richard marx

ocean’s apart day after day
and i slowly go insane
i hear your voice on the line
but it doesn’t stop the pain (me)

if i see you next to never
how can we say forever (me)

wherever you go
whatever you do
i will be right here waiting for you
whatever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you (God)

i took for granted, all the times
that i thought would last somehow
i hear the laughter, i taste the tears
but i can’t get near you now (me)

i wonder how we can survive
this romance
but in the end if i’m with you
i’ll take the chance (me)

wherever you go
whatever you do
i will be right here waiting for you
whatever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you (God)

i pray i can sleep tonite.
i give my burdens to you Lord.

quiet down

i need some quiet time.

i know i need to prepare to go on this one month trip.
i know there is a lot to get organized.

i feel like this supposed week of relaxation, has turned overboard.
why am i still up?
i don't know...maybe this is the only time i can think about things.
why am i still up?
i like the peace. yet in peace my heart is heavy.
how annoying.

i'm glad i found this song, meditation,
peaceful.

the road bends

the quote resonates in my head
'you cannot fully enjoy having nothing to do, until you have had too much to do'
or something like that.

find rest. meditate. wallow.

in the summary of school
the symbols of departure all evident
hand shaking
photo taking
fretful goodbyes
i don't want to leave
i'll miss this place
the exchange of what to do next
have you planned your life
when will we meet again
this is my phone number and email
lets have a get together
reflecting on what has past
and what has become
people come,
people go,
remember me,
don't let go.

to the people who were close,
i'm glad that you were in the journey,
though this path seems to end.
the friendship doesn't.
i will miss you.
we will move on together.
remember to tell me about your journey.
it has been and will be a happy ending.

the road bends.
a new route awaits.

about new

what a great day.
what a great summer day.

things i really like doing i got a chance to do lots of them today.
thanks to my good friend.
i got to meet new people, i got to see new things, i got some new experiences.
i always like meeting new people. definitely. especially when they have the same interests.
and seeing new things...don't think i've been in cambridge before...a very small town filled with character, and a large architecture school.
so much to see. and everytime i see other people's work, it makes me want to kick myself.

and the new waterloo building, perimeter institute...wow...
my jaw dropped. not at first glance, but after lots of careful observation, it amazed me completely.
it reminded me too much of cobusier, and most of all, scarpa.
augh...and how much i love scarpa's work.
the detail, the consideration, the material, the thought, the poetics.
i can spend a day there in awe of the careful planning and design.
the sun was setting as we were there, and it reminded me of the time in europe.

haha...i can't believe it's my first time seeing an actual saucier and perrotte http://www.saucierperrotte.com/
and an actual patkau building http://www.patkau.ca/
finally...


and then i drove back all the way from waterloo to my house...waaaaaaaaa
haha...that was fun.
music was great in the car and turned up loud!

so concludes

and so it's over.

over. done. finished. complete.
haha...thanks thanks all too much for those who have helped directly, indirectly, through thoughts, through prayers, through words, through smiles.

to recap the presentation today...i just might forget so i gotta write it down.

i spoke choppy
i kept looking at my notes
but i think my voice was well projected
and ideas were clear, or so they say
funny part is i repeated the same words in the same sentence
got some laughs when i said 'that thing' or 'stuff'
haha...i notice it right away when i say it...
and think 'shoot! find a better word!'
but i couldn't think fast enough today,
and didn't want to hold long pauses
err...funny
and it got funnier when it came to the questioning and defense part of the thesis.
hilarious!
haha...
there were these two guest critics...horrible guests...
saying these nasty comments giving weird facial expressions...rather inappropriate
then comes my mentor and my advisor....
wahaha...to my defense and rescue...
and i must say that my mentor once again is THE coolest, the BEST ever!
haha...she took up a sword and fended off bad comments for me...
and always gave the greatest smile when i looked at her.
really the best...
awwwwww...and i got a card and present from her.

it was funny professor B, i never knew he liked my project
haha...and he defended it as much as my mentor
and he did it in a whimsical, so what?, kind of way.
quite the comedy...

me standing there not saying too much...
rather listening and nodding...
and laughing at times...trying hard not to though...
and my thesis coordinator professor J didn't say much today...
not many comments, questions, defense, or suggestions...
i wonder why.
she has been a great thesis prof.

and so concludes
these 4 long agonizing years
happy ones
full of learning
full of experiences

i would do it again anyday
the people, the work, the enjoyment

just take away those structures and services classes

the last at last

counting the hours and minutes till my presentation begins...
the wait is killing me.

the anticipation,
what to say,
how to say,
how to express,
haha...fun stuff
i can't wait!

i just hope i don't stutter as much as i do when i practice...
but it will all be over too soon.
what will i dooooooooooooo?
i know what i will be doing in the short term...but not the long term...

ahhh...
*screams in agony

But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first. Matthew 19:30.

in a haircut

o no!!!!!!
i look like a FOB...!
i went to get my haircut after a plea from my grandfather and my parents.
okok...i know i gotta get a haircut...
so i finally went today.
uh o...the person i usually go to is too busy for today...
so i go look for another place...okay..found one...go in...

different...really different...
ay...
okay...i would also say weird...i guess i've never had such an odd hair cutting experience before.
i give respect to hair stylists...i say they are artists in a sense...
and i felt like the sculpture for 1 hour or more.

i said what i wanted...but i didn't really know what i wanted.
the guy gave me plenty of suggestions...
okay...sure do whatever.

here we go...
snipping at very odd angles...i was beginning to think he's a desconstructivist...
i'm a new modernist!

okay...then he had to stop after a while of cutting...
he wanted to make a bolder move...and needed to ask my permission.

he demonstrated what it would look like.
uh...not sure about that sir.
i said i needed to give a serious presentation monday...
he tried to really convince me.
and as easily as i'm convinced, i gave in.
if you say so.
okay cool...not bad...that cut across the forehead...sure...looks alrite.
you could see the fear in my eyes.
but then i reminded myself...
trust the designer...know that they are far more experienced.

sure sure...okay...so i look like a FOB...
i gotta tone down the hair on monday...and maybe do some cutting myself...haha...

i realize

a wave of unrelentless pressure and stress has overcome me...
it was there all along...

but just as i read the CV's of one of my guest critics for monday...the tremble started.
_________________________________________

when i try so hard to become more the person i want to be

things backfire...my heart is lost, i don't know what to do...well in the spur of the moment...i did
why again? why again?

my hand on my forehead, my eyes in strain.

i ask the Lord, why again,
why is it so hard?

unrequitedness...
i know how that feels
i know how that looks
i know how it sounds

i picture the face, because it looks familiar

i put down my work,
i finally remember to take time and care.
because work will always be there.

i'm beginning to realize why the He wants me to go through this...
although not fully.
i realize how difficult it can be to find somebody to listen,
therefore i try my best when needed.
i realize how difficult it can be to find hope.
therefore i try my best to give off hope.
i know how a good person is hard to find.
therefore i try my best to grasp on with everything i have, when i do.

finish line

in need of one day of recovery...
full recuperation.
everyday has been working from morning till morning...
no day of rest...

yawn ^O^
haha

working so much makes me think less about other things.
in the back of my head.
i know what they are...but they don't come up as often.

stepping on the gas...on my way to the finish line.

something in me doesn't want it to be over.
i still want to work late in the night...accomplishing something...doing something...
i want to wake up early for something...for some reason...

this can't be the end.

no prison for me

exhausted yesterday.

it was a fulfillling day.
so so tired though...least sleep in the year so far.
not fun!!!

the thing that made my day...i got a kiss...
haha
awwwwwwwwwww...

the job interview wasn't that great.
the principal, mr ro&!^ n# didn't have manners
he was late for 20 min to see me,
and the interview room (board room), another word for ugly? can't think of one...so it was ugly.
the halfway through the phone rings in the room and he needs to pick it up.
he bored me to death with the projects his firm has worked on...none of them being real interesting...from schools, to prisons, to cemetary buildings...haha...i'd call them chapels, but nahh...
then he asks me about the pay, and i asked him back,
he said a really low range, and i was shocked.
to do such boring work for such low pay...haha...i wanted to say...good luck in finding someone to do it.
he asked if the pay was okay?
i said not really, i was paid more at my last summer job.
and he said he'll make a note of it.
with red pen on my portfolio which i didn't intend on giving it to him, but he wanted to keep it...
i said i wanted it back.
he said sorry i wrote on it...
what a guy...
i wouldn't want him to be my boss.
nor give him any projects to do...haha...that's bad...okay...he can keep desiging prisons...after all...they don't need such nice buildings anyway...
okay..enough of that...back to thesis!

something about today

maybe it's the weather, the cool breeze blowing through the window of the computer infected air.

maybe because i'm glad i can still get sleep.

i just sat here...stopping for a while, i looked around.

how grateful i have to be.

my parents offered to help me with my thesis...haha...funny...we can cut stuff, they said...
my brother brining me back tasty bubble tea to help keep me awake, and it helps
my dad peels me an orange afraid that i'm not getting my fruits and vitamins
and all this gratefulness hits me when i take a bite into the japanese rice ball dessert left on my table while i was away from it for 2 min.
friends praying for me. it means all too much.
i know He did not forget me, nor does He forget anybody.
i give my praise back to Him.

then i look again,
and think of other blessings,
the spring weather,
building a model, although, i am tired, i'm happy working on it, and also the presentation boards

being able to step outside...breathe
taking a moment to realize there's so much more out there.

when i came home from dinner,
i didn't like the feeling
'what if i didn't have school work to come home to. what would i be doing?'
nothing?

and no ttc strike.
the positive overweighs the negative. finally.
thanks.

life chaser

it's been a while since i've had a good night's sleep
it's only worst in the mornings, waking up looking quite shabby and worn.
in the afternoon i'm good, not tired, working fast and thinking fast.
then comes now not really working at a good pace...but still getting things done.

it is the Lord that gives me strength, thanks for the prayers.
and the Lord which brings the sun to wake me in the mornings.

what have i been thinking?

well...there's an ache in my heart
i'm missing something, someone?
i don't know.
________________________________________

'surface' person?
most of the time, yes
unless i'm given the chance,
when i feel and find somebody willing to listen,
and will understand,
and takes time to think.

not ocean's of i see, i see
not glazed eyes,
not too busy to listen,
not thinking of what to do next, where to go
though sometimes i do those.
i do realize, and i don't feel great.
my mind wanders.

know that i will listen
to try my best to understand.
know that i think of what i've seen, heard.
it doesn't just leave my mind.
but when it does,
i keep it in my heart.

what happens

what happens when the person you want to talk to most, is too busy?
what happens when the person you want to understand the most, doesn't?
what happens when you think everything is going as planned, somebody tells you otherwise?
what happens when you feel that nobody cares, and that you are just wasting their time.
what happens when the people you count on let you down?
what happens when you feel sad, and you can't think of anything that will make you feel better?
what happens when the tears that fall, feel so wasted?

what happens when most of the bad feelings that i have are reinforced rather than taken away?

just when i reminded myself not to be discouraged...i go on stepping further.
today was not all that bad, well after the afternoon everything was alrite.
i collected myself
and i got a phone call for an interview on monday.
another thing to add to monday...
it's great...haha...
everything likes to be on monday for some reason...

'when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on - and then swing!'

need direction

what's been going on today?

i had my last exam of my bachelor's degree...it didn't go so well...
as expected when i knew i didn't study enough.
rather than study on the subway, i fell asleep.

what do i have planned for the coming year?

i hear of people getting married, moving away, having a full-time job, going to masters.

i'm going to call this year my co-op year.
i wonder what's going to happen, so many things up in the air.

i never really thought of this day, the next day.

again, i got reminded my ambition is not that high,
maybe i don't try hard enough, maybe i don't put enough effort into some things that i should.

but i think i try very hard, i put very much effort.
it is only after the fact, i realize that maybe i didn't.

mental anguish

what can i write...
so much mental anguish...haha
i don't know how much more i can handle
deadline is getting shorter

so the ticket has been bought...but i can't seem to be happy, cuz i can only think of the 18th..

oooo....today...haha
i got one of the nicest thank you's today...
i was in a rush to get to school...
but it was one of those...i was leaving the store
and i turned back cuz i heard a sweet thank you for doing something so simple...
it was so genuine and so unessecary...

haha...what a good feeling.

besides that...today sucked...
i didn't bother looking for my RA prof...
avoided him completely...
all the lectures are done and i'm supposed to be doing thesis!

plenty to do...

last thought...
today...i don't know...but i know i have something in the back of my head making me very uncomfortable...some feeling of guilt. going to europe again? and then that question led to something else...a long way to the question that bothered me the most today...

that is 'are you proud of me?'
that's all i want to write about that...but there's much more to that question.
maybe later.

after that question got in my head...i just couldn't help it but feel horrible

i am really writing everything i'm thinking...or have thought about today...i'm quite surprised myself...

helpless state

uh o...i just woke up...
slept 10 hours? or 9? well who knows with losing an hour...
power failure so my alarm clock didn't sound...
and i the other alarm clock i didn't change the time...
so i guess it's meant to be that i didn't wake up till now
finally allowed to sleep
i thought yesterday, God, it's up to you if i can get sleep, if you want me to wake up, i will.
i guess He wanted me to sleep.

and before sleeping this is what i read

'you should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. and once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. a discouraged soul is in a helpless state being neither able to 'stand against the devil's schemes,' (eph 7:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.'

how true that was at that moment as it is now.
but i vow not to be discouraged so i can focus on what is important.

too much rush

my brain is so dead rite now...
today was rush day...
go here go there...run run...
constant feeling i'm late for something or i won't have enough time...
it sucks
really.
sucks.



so tired...i try to do everything on my list in one day...

do a little of everything...
RAing, then it's FSAing, then it's THESISing...and within thesising is 50 things!?! auuugh...
i don't know how to distribute my time...
i don't know what to work on first...and i'm now getting stuck on things.
don't know if i should colour this...and if i do...what colour...?!?
don't know how to lay out things...how big...beside what?!?

it's getting bad...i feel bad when i take even the smallest break.
i even ate in front of the computer...something i think is wrong to do.

i need to sleep now.