guess again

and so i thought i was done.
haha...what a joke.
there's so much more to do.
so many things i didn't notice.
i didn't really take a second look at my portfolio carfully.
giving it to my friend to edit today totally opened my eyes.
she gave me such good pointers and tips.
and revised all the words and pictures giving suggestions for almost everything.
so i'm here changing the stuff...and it does look better.
getting critiqued left and right.
it's good when people see things that need to change or seem wrong that they speak up and not letting things just pass because they fear that it would be hurtful or else nothing would be improved. thought of the day.
it's 3:00am....ahhhhhhhhhh...
i've passed my usual 2:00 am sleep time.
it's changed for special reasons.
to get this thing done...i'll sleep at 4:00am tonite.
feeling alright.

some done more to go

statement of interest and biographical statement done...1000 words finally written. now i can better explain myself.
next comes the cirriculum vitae and awards, achievements, and distinctions? ay...well it won't be that hard...i don't have too many awards...ha.
i hope to print my portfolio and go through that entire process again tomoro...yuck
break time.

this is christmas

to set the mood
listening to debussy's claire de lune
feeling the warmth from an appreciative friend
a genuine smile.
what better to do than to catch up with a long time friend on christmas day.
a friend i call my tutor.
i've known her since i was fourteen, now twenty-two.
taught me more than i actually know.
the arts inspired by her, the maths and sciences
on living life, on outlook, on people.
we talked more over dinner, for my parents were gone and my brother was out.
her son was out, husband left, father passed, now taking care of her mother.
to endure is what i have learned from her.
the gifts may not even secondary,
she gave me a poem she composed.

excerpts:

christmas at our house

if i decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,
strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
but do not show love to my family,
i'm just another decorator.

if i trim the spruce with shimmering angels
and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of
holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata
but do not ponder on the true meaning of love, i have
missed the point.

love stops the cooking to hug the child.
love is kind, it does not demand its own way.

------------------------------------------

a gift is not a gift if there is no thought.
a smile is not a smile if it is not genuine.
christmas is not christmas if without Jesus.

taking the time
and as my tutor, i think i should call teacher, taught me to take the time,
watch the clouds change,
talk to people, not computers,
mend the bonds.
encouragement warms the heart.

where is it? where am i?

driving was so bad today.
here's another situation i always find myself in.
saying yes to do something or go somewhere,
saying yes is very easy for me.
i'll say yes to most things.
because saying no disappoints people.
so here i am
when i've said yes to go somewhere.
i started driving there
but one quarter of the way
i didn't have enough confidence in driving through the
snow and ice ridden roads
when especially the lines couldn't be seen
and the ride was constantly bumpy.
suddenly in my head i'm reminded so many things
first it goes 'where is your faith?'
then i remember hearing on the news
'by tonite, whats fallen on the ground will turn to ice.'
then goes again 'but where is your faith?'
'but it's so far away.'
i struggled
and so i called my pastor,
to tell him that i think it's too dangerous to be driving
that i saw people slipping and i wasn't going to get there
here i am
yet another disappointment
i think i know
because i know what it feels
to be disappointed.

half and half

i ran straight into a very awkward moment at the end of a party.
i don't think i'll ever learn how to or understand how to do this.
or to do it at all ever again.
i'm sure many people have ran into this before.
you've either borrowed or lent out money.
so i spent some money for the entire group for the project. it's not like a tiny amount, substantial i guess.
and i asked for the money back from a couple people who didn't remember at all.
first time, 'don't have enough money'
twice, 'okay i'll bring it the next time i see you'
so i was hoping it would be remembered.
nope.
forgot.
anyways
the third time, still forgot about it but managed to borrow from others to pay me back...
making me feel strange
thinking that i am doing something wrong.
am i?

anyways...
fun day.
it felt like i mailed my child away today. my application to mcgill. it was not the fun part of the day. working on that portfolio for so long made me very attached to it. i didn't want to send it. so what if only one ryerson student has been accepted into mcgill's architecture masters program in ten years. so? haha...
anyways. i'm prepared for rejection. i am.
watched supersize me
and sang some k
and ate some dessert.

bleeh

a bit cramped.
where is the holiday? really...
i feel like i've been working on homework more than having a holiday.
gotta finish setting up party stuff tomoro.
clean this, buy that, fix this, move that.
call call...more call.

tomoro is one hectic day.
bleehhh...

holiday hassles

ay.

so back to the character thing.
so i submitted the paragraphs to my prof and he then wanted me to write something more general.

arg...i was in a hurry to leave school
so i quickly wrote some stuff in 30 min...it's really hard to write about myself.
and must be good stuff about myself. very not used to doing that. a bit awkward.
but it was done, and after all the printing problems i found my mentor professor in her office and asked if she could print it using her computer. she let me.
but then, prof was not in his office no more, prob out to lunch so i left it in his mailbox.
what a hassle.

then it was christmas shopping...that's why i was in a hurry to leave school...haha..
wan't too successful in all the shopping. but got some good presents.

the day finished with plenty of gaming.
dizzy.

character

As a student I have always strived to better myself. Through these four years of studying architecture, I have learned much more than design and construction, I have begun to understand the complexities of human nature. Besides the learning component, through these four years, I searched for a true calling appropriate to my strengths, a pursuit that I can strive for. Although I cannot ascertain that I have exactly found my calling and whether I can persist in it, I know I will not compromise my morals and values. I believe that I constitute of a strong sense of justice, and even when I am disadvantaged, I will act according to my principles.

This sense of justice has led to my thesis. It has led to a place where possibly one day I could pursue my career. That place would be inside my thesis building, as a person who would mediate with clients and user groups to design suitable architecture. The book that I purchased this year has led me to the conclusion that good design belongs to everybody. Yet ‘good design’ has always been a controversial topic. That book is entitled, ‘Good Deeds, Good Design.’

I am a practical person, who believes that design is not meant to complicate this world futher, but rather to make it a more plesent and livable. Throughout these four years I have seen projects that are unnecessarily complex and, what I think, excessive. My design intent is to create memorable and unique spaces that are understandable. These would be places that would contain intriguing and meaningful details and gestures reflecting those of Carlo Scarpa.

my professor requested that i write these paragraphs.
contributions are not only from myself,
but from many many others
and the one who has made me unique.
thanks.

badge of success = stress?

i thought i had lost yet another friend of mine for good.
persistent i was in looking,
and finally i found.
a long conversation led me to understand everything has been the same.
good stuff! (my new catch phrase)

today my venture to school for reference letters proved a success.
i was only hoping to find two of my profs at school,
and there they were, all three of them, in the places i looked.
everything went well.

holiday...i'm supposedly on holiday...ya right.

yesterday even when i was real tired i kept reading...
the above sentence proves the authors point.
tired, but kept going.

'has it occurred to you how often we talk about our fatigue? i sometimes have the feeling that if i don't tell my friends how tired i am they will doubt i am doing anything worthwhile. try telling someone that you feel great, that you are at the top of your game, that you've never been better. the chances are that they will suspect that you're putting them on...that you lack sincerity.'

'how did we get to a day when stress and fatigue are almost a badge of success?'

in the 'older days' the author writes, people did get tire, but they didn't constantly complain of the exhaustion we hear about today.

not shocking,

and so?
i'll have to find out when i continue to read...
why sleep when i can read

wrestling for peace

been reading a book called 'ordering your pirvate world'
gordon macdonald
late in the night in bed before i sleep
i've been prone to sleep at 2 am everyday
i think it's happening unconsciously
the book explains how in the 21st century we all live on the 'surface'
in constant focus on the 'outer world'
i'm especially a surface person.
i'm not comfortable going beyond the surface
'is there a private world beneath the noise and action at the surface?
can strength and resilience be developed that will bear up under the growing pressure at the surface?'
'the busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others. to be unavailable to our friends and family, to be unable to find time for the sunset, to whiz thorugh our obligations without time for a single mindful breath, this has become the model of a successful life.'
now i'm quite glad i took the time in watching the christmas tree.
my private world is not in total shambles.
one part in the book especially related to me, reminding me of just a few weeks back.
'...more than a few of us have experienced the same pressure from the outer world, crowding in upon us to such an extent that we wondered if some sort of death would not be desireable. during such moments we ask ourselves about the strenght of our reserves-whether we can keep on going, whether it is worth it to keep pressing. in short, we are not sure there is enough spiritual, psychic, or physical energy to keep moving at the pace we are presently trying to maintain.'
is it because i'm working too hard? no, for sure not. it's a combination of many things going on in the inner world that i can't deal with.
'for a few hours, perhaps for a few days (for me, i think it's recurring hours and days), there is a numbness. all the resolve is gone. self-confidence disapprears. it seems as if there will be no tomorrow.'
being forced to the very bottom of one's soul,
i ask why.
surface world seems orderly,
but beyond it,
who knows

opposite moments

the switchfoot concert.
mosh: to knock against others intentionally while dancing at a rock concert.

well i don't think it can be called dancing on wed.
more like jumping, nudging, pushing.
quite the experience.
my first moshing concert.
the line up was so long to get in.
waiting outside in the cold to get into the koolhaus.
when inside, it started getting crazy,
the first band wasn't that great
but when switchfoot came on,
the crowd got hysterical,
the loud shrieks, people just pushing their way forward,
i screamed my lungs out to some songs.
good songs.
when the lead singer jumped into the crowd to do some body surfing
my friend said she supported his behind...haha...
another funny thing was that there was this middle aged woman who brought her husband and son of no more than 12 years old
she was screaming behind me so loud...haha...

i spent some time today just lying on the couch watching the christmas tree.
how nice.

get applications started!

first day

my first official day of holiday
the day started with peaceful sleep till noon.
then a gradual wake up followed by rushed dim sum
then went to choose finishes for brother's new home
after that was shopping, shopping, and more shopping?
dinner out
then the christmas decorations went up
outdoor lights and two indoor trees

the topic of mingling
mingling 101

mingle: to mix or bring together in combination, usually without loss of individual characteristics.
so that's what it means
i learned yesterday that the beginning stage of a conversation needs to be have the other person to answer questions that will be responded by 'yes'
a few of those 'yes, ya, yup' questions will get the person into an affirmative notion, which is good.
that way, conversation will be easier to make.

flying furniture

the snow, the snow
driving through the snow. how fun.

i've seen my share of bad drivers.
today on john street on my way home from school with my buddy in the passenger seat the truck in front had its back door open
i thought that was okay, no problem, the things looked tied down.
haha...no.
stopped at a red light.
when it turned green,
the truck accelerated, and the stuff inside shifted a bit.
okay, stay back
then it acclerated some more,
plunk! crash! bang!
furniture came crashing down onto the road, and smashed into pieces
glad i stayed back.
not the end.
so the truck driver does not notice anything wrong.
furniture on john street, i pass to the next lane and continue
now trying every which way to tell the guy the furniture is flying off the truck!
my buddy is flailing his arms out the window
i'm constantly beeping
the guy doesn't bother to slow down
okay
reached another red light and this time i stopped beside
still trying to get some sense into this deranged driver
he points at himself mouthing the words 'i can't hear you'
by that point i'm screaming 'open your window!'
'furniture has been flying out your truck!'
'the door isn't closed?' he responds
'NO!!!'
he swears and gets out of the truck to close the back door
swears some more
and asks 'so is the furniture blocking the road?'
'YES!!!'

highlight of the day.

the other part of the day was spent with elementry school kids
it makes me appreciate the work of teachers

what a night

what a night.

never driven downtown,
never parallel parked downtown,
never mingled for so long,
never talked to a drunk or drunks...haha,
never wore a 70's blazer,
never been simultaneouly hired and fired and hired,
never been encouraged and praised so repeatedly,

happened all yesterday
so architects do know a thing or two about throwing parties,
choosing the hippest hotel in TO
none other than the drake

very difficult for me make small talk, especially to strangers, many awkward moments, where glazed eyes were looking into glazed eyes.

Ag my mentor is coolest and 'absolutely' --> she likes that word, the best.
SRP rocks!

let the good times roll

what a wonderful day yesterday
the jazz exchange concert, a fine mix of japanese and canadian artists at their best, at the top o' the senator...asukaaa
i've never experienced live jazz before...very nice
the thesis presentation went well, although i'm quite disappointed at professors who didn't hold back, and gave unconsiderate tounge lashings.
these presentations and comments have a great effect on us.
still i slept at 2am but this time, woke up at 12...no alarms

lately i've been introduced to such variety in music from friends who have a true appreciation of music ...this week was indie pop rock, to live jazz, to tonite? who knows what, and next wed which will be christian alternative....all very good

party on.