back soon

so i go to europe tomoro...
my bag is so heavy...i gotta try to lighten it somehow...
feelin' a bit anxious...
_________________________________

when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep
because it hurts when i think when my thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make and the chances we take
they're not yours they're not mine
there are waves that can break
all the words that we said and the words that we mean
and the words can fall short, can't see the unseen
because the world is awake so for sombody's sake
now please close your eyes
please get some sleep

too much silence can be misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came well it's leaving
it's leaving

i'm leaving.

updates will be on www.eurobound.blogspot.com
take good care people.
back soon.
with new understanding,
and hopefully a renewed mind.

walk with me

i must not hurt myself anymore.
there is too much care, too much love, too many blessings, for me too be sad tonight.
to continue self degredation is wasted energy and time.

i take a step.
each step has it's good and it's bad. thanks. =)

walk along with me.

what's wrong

i'm so tired...
this euro planning is quite tough after all...looking for addresses...booking...
the timing is hard to get right. hope things go well...but if not the schedule is definitely flexible.

sigh...things in the back of my head are driving me crazy.

i can't sleep, i feel so restless so unresolved.

2 days left to go? i feel unready.
i need more time to think and reflect.
errr...i'm going to sleep now....man...it's 3:20...why am i still up...
restless and unresolved.
auuuuuuuugh.
somebody just knock me out.

_______________________________________

8 hours after.

i had went through the toughest night yet.
tears till i fell asleep.
i thought these things only happen in movies or on tv.
not to me.
i felt unreal.
yet i couldn't stop.
i probably fell asleep at 5am
the latest this year and i don't even have school.
how much longer i can go on.
through this supposed times of happiness of finishing school
and going on a trip.

'i hear your voice on the line,
but it doesn't stop the pain.'

need some peace

help me stop these tears
they fall like the rain we've been having

right here waiting

i know you're out there Lord.
how come it hurts so much? how come?

and why do i only look to the hurt?
looking at today, i cannot help but think that God, you're working in me. you stir in my heart.

why don't i count my blessings? why can't i just focus on one of them and be content?

as i listen to the song 'right here waiting' i am broken into pieces.
God has written the lyrics. waiting for me, no matter what i've done.

right here waiting - richard marx

ocean’s apart day after day
and i slowly go insane
i hear your voice on the line
but it doesn’t stop the pain (me)

if i see you next to never
how can we say forever (me)

wherever you go
whatever you do
i will be right here waiting for you
whatever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you (God)

i took for granted, all the times
that i thought would last somehow
i hear the laughter, i taste the tears
but i can’t get near you now (me)

i wonder how we can survive
this romance
but in the end if i’m with you
i’ll take the chance (me)

wherever you go
whatever you do
i will be right here waiting for you
whatever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you (God)

i pray i can sleep tonite.
i give my burdens to you Lord.

quiet down

i need some quiet time.

i know i need to prepare to go on this one month trip.
i know there is a lot to get organized.

i feel like this supposed week of relaxation, has turned overboard.
why am i still up?
i don't know...maybe this is the only time i can think about things.
why am i still up?
i like the peace. yet in peace my heart is heavy.
how annoying.

i'm glad i found this song, meditation,
peaceful.

the road bends

the quote resonates in my head
'you cannot fully enjoy having nothing to do, until you have had too much to do'
or something like that.

find rest. meditate. wallow.

in the summary of school
the symbols of departure all evident
hand shaking
photo taking
fretful goodbyes
i don't want to leave
i'll miss this place
the exchange of what to do next
have you planned your life
when will we meet again
this is my phone number and email
lets have a get together
reflecting on what has past
and what has become
people come,
people go,
remember me,
don't let go.

to the people who were close,
i'm glad that you were in the journey,
though this path seems to end.
the friendship doesn't.
i will miss you.
we will move on together.
remember to tell me about your journey.
it has been and will be a happy ending.

the road bends.
a new route awaits.

about new

what a great day.
what a great summer day.

things i really like doing i got a chance to do lots of them today.
thanks to my good friend.
i got to meet new people, i got to see new things, i got some new experiences.
i always like meeting new people. definitely. especially when they have the same interests.
and seeing new things...don't think i've been in cambridge before...a very small town filled with character, and a large architecture school.
so much to see. and everytime i see other people's work, it makes me want to kick myself.

and the new waterloo building, perimeter institute...wow...
my jaw dropped. not at first glance, but after lots of careful observation, it amazed me completely.
it reminded me too much of cobusier, and most of all, scarpa.
augh...and how much i love scarpa's work.
the detail, the consideration, the material, the thought, the poetics.
i can spend a day there in awe of the careful planning and design.
the sun was setting as we were there, and it reminded me of the time in europe.

haha...i can't believe it's my first time seeing an actual saucier and perrotte http://www.saucierperrotte.com/
and an actual patkau building http://www.patkau.ca/
finally...


and then i drove back all the way from waterloo to my house...waaaaaaaaa
haha...that was fun.
music was great in the car and turned up loud!

so concludes

and so it's over.

over. done. finished. complete.
haha...thanks thanks all too much for those who have helped directly, indirectly, through thoughts, through prayers, through words, through smiles.

to recap the presentation today...i just might forget so i gotta write it down.

i spoke choppy
i kept looking at my notes
but i think my voice was well projected
and ideas were clear, or so they say
funny part is i repeated the same words in the same sentence
got some laughs when i said 'that thing' or 'stuff'
haha...i notice it right away when i say it...
and think 'shoot! find a better word!'
but i couldn't think fast enough today,
and didn't want to hold long pauses
err...funny
and it got funnier when it came to the questioning and defense part of the thesis.
hilarious!
haha...
there were these two guest critics...horrible guests...
saying these nasty comments giving weird facial expressions...rather inappropriate
then comes my mentor and my advisor....
wahaha...to my defense and rescue...
and i must say that my mentor once again is THE coolest, the BEST ever!
haha...she took up a sword and fended off bad comments for me...
and always gave the greatest smile when i looked at her.
really the best...
awwwwww...and i got a card and present from her.

it was funny professor B, i never knew he liked my project
haha...and he defended it as much as my mentor
and he did it in a whimsical, so what?, kind of way.
quite the comedy...

me standing there not saying too much...
rather listening and nodding...
and laughing at times...trying hard not to though...
and my thesis coordinator professor J didn't say much today...
not many comments, questions, defense, or suggestions...
i wonder why.
she has been a great thesis prof.

and so concludes
these 4 long agonizing years
happy ones
full of learning
full of experiences

i would do it again anyday
the people, the work, the enjoyment

just take away those structures and services classes

the last at last

counting the hours and minutes till my presentation begins...
the wait is killing me.

the anticipation,
what to say,
how to say,
how to express,
haha...fun stuff
i can't wait!

i just hope i don't stutter as much as i do when i practice...
but it will all be over too soon.
what will i dooooooooooooo?
i know what i will be doing in the short term...but not the long term...

ahhh...
*screams in agony

But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first. Matthew 19:30.

in a haircut

o no!!!!!!
i look like a FOB...!
i went to get my haircut after a plea from my grandfather and my parents.
okok...i know i gotta get a haircut...
so i finally went today.
uh o...the person i usually go to is too busy for today...
so i go look for another place...okay..found one...go in...

different...really different...
ay...
okay...i would also say weird...i guess i've never had such an odd hair cutting experience before.
i give respect to hair stylists...i say they are artists in a sense...
and i felt like the sculpture for 1 hour or more.

i said what i wanted...but i didn't really know what i wanted.
the guy gave me plenty of suggestions...
okay...sure do whatever.

here we go...
snipping at very odd angles...i was beginning to think he's a desconstructivist...
i'm a new modernist!

okay...then he had to stop after a while of cutting...
he wanted to make a bolder move...and needed to ask my permission.

he demonstrated what it would look like.
uh...not sure about that sir.
i said i needed to give a serious presentation monday...
he tried to really convince me.
and as easily as i'm convinced, i gave in.
if you say so.
okay cool...not bad...that cut across the forehead...sure...looks alrite.
you could see the fear in my eyes.
but then i reminded myself...
trust the designer...know that they are far more experienced.

sure sure...okay...so i look like a FOB...
i gotta tone down the hair on monday...and maybe do some cutting myself...haha...

i realize

a wave of unrelentless pressure and stress has overcome me...
it was there all along...

but just as i read the CV's of one of my guest critics for monday...the tremble started.
_________________________________________

when i try so hard to become more the person i want to be

things backfire...my heart is lost, i don't know what to do...well in the spur of the moment...i did
why again? why again?

my hand on my forehead, my eyes in strain.

i ask the Lord, why again,
why is it so hard?

unrequitedness...
i know how that feels
i know how that looks
i know how it sounds

i picture the face, because it looks familiar

i put down my work,
i finally remember to take time and care.
because work will always be there.

i'm beginning to realize why the He wants me to go through this...
although not fully.
i realize how difficult it can be to find somebody to listen,
therefore i try my best when needed.
i realize how difficult it can be to find hope.
therefore i try my best to give off hope.
i know how a good person is hard to find.
therefore i try my best to grasp on with everything i have, when i do.

finish line

in need of one day of recovery...
full recuperation.
everyday has been working from morning till morning...
no day of rest...

yawn ^O^
haha

working so much makes me think less about other things.
in the back of my head.
i know what they are...but they don't come up as often.

stepping on the gas...on my way to the finish line.

something in me doesn't want it to be over.
i still want to work late in the night...accomplishing something...doing something...
i want to wake up early for something...for some reason...

this can't be the end.

no prison for me

exhausted yesterday.

it was a fulfillling day.
so so tired though...least sleep in the year so far.
not fun!!!

the thing that made my day...i got a kiss...
haha
awwwwwwwwwww...

the job interview wasn't that great.
the principal, mr ro&!^ n# didn't have manners
he was late for 20 min to see me,
and the interview room (board room), another word for ugly? can't think of one...so it was ugly.
the halfway through the phone rings in the room and he needs to pick it up.
he bored me to death with the projects his firm has worked on...none of them being real interesting...from schools, to prisons, to cemetary buildings...haha...i'd call them chapels, but nahh...
then he asks me about the pay, and i asked him back,
he said a really low range, and i was shocked.
to do such boring work for such low pay...haha...i wanted to say...good luck in finding someone to do it.
he asked if the pay was okay?
i said not really, i was paid more at my last summer job.
and he said he'll make a note of it.
with red pen on my portfolio which i didn't intend on giving it to him, but he wanted to keep it...
i said i wanted it back.
he said sorry i wrote on it...
what a guy...
i wouldn't want him to be my boss.
nor give him any projects to do...haha...that's bad...okay...he can keep desiging prisons...after all...they don't need such nice buildings anyway...
okay..enough of that...back to thesis!

something about today

maybe it's the weather, the cool breeze blowing through the window of the computer infected air.

maybe because i'm glad i can still get sleep.

i just sat here...stopping for a while, i looked around.

how grateful i have to be.

my parents offered to help me with my thesis...haha...funny...we can cut stuff, they said...
my brother brining me back tasty bubble tea to help keep me awake, and it helps
my dad peels me an orange afraid that i'm not getting my fruits and vitamins
and all this gratefulness hits me when i take a bite into the japanese rice ball dessert left on my table while i was away from it for 2 min.
friends praying for me. it means all too much.
i know He did not forget me, nor does He forget anybody.
i give my praise back to Him.

then i look again,
and think of other blessings,
the spring weather,
building a model, although, i am tired, i'm happy working on it, and also the presentation boards

being able to step outside...breathe
taking a moment to realize there's so much more out there.

when i came home from dinner,
i didn't like the feeling
'what if i didn't have school work to come home to. what would i be doing?'
nothing?

and no ttc strike.
the positive overweighs the negative. finally.
thanks.

life chaser

it's been a while since i've had a good night's sleep
it's only worst in the mornings, waking up looking quite shabby and worn.
in the afternoon i'm good, not tired, working fast and thinking fast.
then comes now not really working at a good pace...but still getting things done.

it is the Lord that gives me strength, thanks for the prayers.
and the Lord which brings the sun to wake me in the mornings.

what have i been thinking?

well...there's an ache in my heart
i'm missing something, someone?
i don't know.
________________________________________

'surface' person?
most of the time, yes
unless i'm given the chance,
when i feel and find somebody willing to listen,
and will understand,
and takes time to think.

not ocean's of i see, i see
not glazed eyes,
not too busy to listen,
not thinking of what to do next, where to go
though sometimes i do those.
i do realize, and i don't feel great.
my mind wanders.

know that i will listen
to try my best to understand.
know that i think of what i've seen, heard.
it doesn't just leave my mind.
but when it does,
i keep it in my heart.

what happens

what happens when the person you want to talk to most, is too busy?
what happens when the person you want to understand the most, doesn't?
what happens when you think everything is going as planned, somebody tells you otherwise?
what happens when you feel that nobody cares, and that you are just wasting their time.
what happens when the people you count on let you down?
what happens when you feel sad, and you can't think of anything that will make you feel better?
what happens when the tears that fall, feel so wasted?

what happens when most of the bad feelings that i have are reinforced rather than taken away?

just when i reminded myself not to be discouraged...i go on stepping further.
today was not all that bad, well after the afternoon everything was alrite.
i collected myself
and i got a phone call for an interview on monday.
another thing to add to monday...
it's great...haha...
everything likes to be on monday for some reason...

'when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on - and then swing!'

need direction

what's been going on today?

i had my last exam of my bachelor's degree...it didn't go so well...
as expected when i knew i didn't study enough.
rather than study on the subway, i fell asleep.

what do i have planned for the coming year?

i hear of people getting married, moving away, having a full-time job, going to masters.

i'm going to call this year my co-op year.
i wonder what's going to happen, so many things up in the air.

i never really thought of this day, the next day.

again, i got reminded my ambition is not that high,
maybe i don't try hard enough, maybe i don't put enough effort into some things that i should.

but i think i try very hard, i put very much effort.
it is only after the fact, i realize that maybe i didn't.

mental anguish

what can i write...
so much mental anguish...haha
i don't know how much more i can handle
deadline is getting shorter

so the ticket has been bought...but i can't seem to be happy, cuz i can only think of the 18th..

oooo....today...haha
i got one of the nicest thank you's today...
i was in a rush to get to school...
but it was one of those...i was leaving the store
and i turned back cuz i heard a sweet thank you for doing something so simple...
it was so genuine and so unessecary...

haha...what a good feeling.

besides that...today sucked...
i didn't bother looking for my RA prof...
avoided him completely...
all the lectures are done and i'm supposed to be doing thesis!

plenty to do...

last thought...
today...i don't know...but i know i have something in the back of my head making me very uncomfortable...some feeling of guilt. going to europe again? and then that question led to something else...a long way to the question that bothered me the most today...

that is 'are you proud of me?'
that's all i want to write about that...but there's much more to that question.
maybe later.

after that question got in my head...i just couldn't help it but feel horrible

i am really writing everything i'm thinking...or have thought about today...i'm quite surprised myself...

helpless state

uh o...i just woke up...
slept 10 hours? or 9? well who knows with losing an hour...
power failure so my alarm clock didn't sound...
and i the other alarm clock i didn't change the time...
so i guess it's meant to be that i didn't wake up till now
finally allowed to sleep
i thought yesterday, God, it's up to you if i can get sleep, if you want me to wake up, i will.
i guess He wanted me to sleep.

and before sleeping this is what i read

'you should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. and once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. a discouraged soul is in a helpless state being neither able to 'stand against the devil's schemes,' (eph 7:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.'

how true that was at that moment as it is now.
but i vow not to be discouraged so i can focus on what is important.

too much rush

my brain is so dead rite now...
today was rush day...
go here go there...run run...
constant feeling i'm late for something or i won't have enough time...
it sucks
really.
sucks.



so tired...i try to do everything on my list in one day...

do a little of everything...
RAing, then it's FSAing, then it's THESISing...and within thesising is 50 things!?! auuugh...
i don't know how to distribute my time...
i don't know what to work on first...and i'm now getting stuck on things.
don't know if i should colour this...and if i do...what colour...?!?
don't know how to lay out things...how big...beside what?!?

it's getting bad...i feel bad when i take even the smallest break.
i even ate in front of the computer...something i think is wrong to do.

i need to sleep now.