...

i can't fully explain what i'm feeling...
the first one is always the hardest to get...
and the second letter i sort of felt it coming.
yet i had a glimmer of hope.

there is this feeling of rejection, lost
not knowing what to do next
not wanting to do anything...

i don't think i've sighed so much before...
that i notice whenever i do it...

i try to rationalize why it happened...
i can't really.
i don't know what went wrong.
if i could only be told
with my errors or faults pointed out
maybe i'll do better next time.

i feel like shouting at the top of my lungs.
i've now realized it's okay to cry.
it's what makes us human.
i wouldn't do it in front of anybody.

i have received many words of comfort.
i treasure each and every comment, every remark.
i feel like a disappointment.
i feel inadequate.
i feel like i make others unhappy when i tell them.

my friend said 'god wants you to take a break.'
i so want to take a break...
but our culture says not to.
our culture tells us to keep on working...
don't take breaks
stress is good
stay busy.

i know the one above has something in store.
in one year, i will write about it
and have a response to what i have written here today.
it will be good, whatever it is
i will wait for it

for i know He has a plan for all of us.