on forgiving

today i didn't think too much about whatever...

God is telling me there is more to life than architecture.
there is so more.

thinking what will this year become.

how will i spend it?
will i waste it?
will things happen that change my life?
will it pass so quickly?
will i have changed how i think?
what i value?
what i do?


today i finished reading 'tuesdays with morrie'
so he died...
i gotta say that even on the subway
got teary eyed reading it...
i could have finished it in one day...yet...
i paced it out over a week...
trying to absorb what it was trying to say.
letting things sink in.
and it has.

i don't read novels.
but now i'm gonna start reading more.
since i will have time
i will be relaxed...figuring things out...thinking...wondering...

'make peace with yourself and everyone around you.'
'forgive yourself. forgive others. don't wait.'

forgive yourself.
forgive yourself.
forgive yourself.
i kept repeating and repeating and repeating...

forgive yourself.

...

i can't fully explain what i'm feeling...
the first one is always the hardest to get...
and the second letter i sort of felt it coming.
yet i had a glimmer of hope.

there is this feeling of rejection, lost
not knowing what to do next
not wanting to do anything...

i don't think i've sighed so much before...
that i notice whenever i do it...

i try to rationalize why it happened...
i can't really.
i don't know what went wrong.
if i could only be told
with my errors or faults pointed out
maybe i'll do better next time.

i feel like shouting at the top of my lungs.
i've now realized it's okay to cry.
it's what makes us human.
i wouldn't do it in front of anybody.

i have received many words of comfort.
i treasure each and every comment, every remark.
i feel like a disappointment.
i feel inadequate.
i feel like i make others unhappy when i tell them.

my friend said 'god wants you to take a break.'
i so want to take a break...
but our culture says not to.
our culture tells us to keep on working...
don't take breaks
stress is good
stay busy.

i know the one above has something in store.
in one year, i will write about it
and have a response to what i have written here today.
it will be good, whatever it is
i will wait for it

for i know He has a plan for all of us.

tuesdays

monday over.

it's been a different monday than the last.
i got to sleep a bit more
had morning class, but didn't go...and glad that there wasn't much point in going...
but still needed to meet prof and print a lot of stuff...
very rushed...

very surprised that i didn't have to meetRA prof...he's absent!!!
haha...he never mentioned it to me...how irresonsible...
and he told me last week he needs the lecture for tomoro...
oh well...
the bad part is i gotta meet him some other day

well what's in the mind today...
continued to read tuesdays with morrie...
i really don't want to finish it...it's getting sad...but i've learned from it...
so many life lessons in that book
and so many of the sentences and paragraphs can be quoted
i know that in the end, he will die...so i don't want to finish.
i know i'll be re-reading this book very soon.

'we should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can become.'

love = answer

so tired
easter sunday
i have taken too many breaks this weekend
i dun like what i'm feeling right now...whatever it is...

i'm having horrible nervous wake-ups every morning
not those peaceful ones...
i wake up always thinking
i'm late for something
there's something important to do...
i really dun like.

future plan has been running through my head
i dread sitting in this seat
i dread thinking of the future
i dread graduating
_______________________________________

enough of that heavy crap...

let me do a search in the brain for something...
something happy

umm...it's gonna take some time
it's true.................

got it...ah...europe in may...
isn't that a happy thought...
pizza, architecture, the water, sunsets, ah...walking, learning...
can't wait...

and tomoro should be a fun day...
no class in the morning...
just mr anal rententative in the evening...
but i won't go there...
i hope to get a good nights sleep tonite...restful

it's not hard to get a smile on this face...
quite easily satisified, and indulges in simple things
something so very small,
something that takes
a little thought
a little time
a little effort
at the slightest.

great jack johnson's lyrics:

'love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart.
why are we here?
and where do we go?
and how come it's so hard?'
the next line to those lyrics is on hold.

bogged down

what is it with me?

things that can't be had?

why can't things be now. now now now.

thoughts swirling around in my head...sucks

definitely blocking out thesis

just let it be over...now now now.

i can't stand it no more.

fighting against. i don't know. i don't know.

yet another dark month...
when will i be satisfied?

when will things go my way?

why hasn't anything gone my way recently?

but then again what is my way? what i want?

what have i become? is this what you want? what i want?

have i taken a turn for the worse? for i can't see further.

i've got a lot to pray about.

lead me. direct me. give me the strength.
mold me. make me. into what You want.

sailing on rough waters

so finally, it has happened...
sigh...i'm alrite...
everything will be fine...

God's plan, i say

staring into nothingness,
working away the pain...
i look but i cannot see...
the water too thick in my eyes...
i hear but nothing makes sense

it's just one, but i expect two more of the same.

so sad so very sad.

definitely puts the confidence down the drain...

trying to revive a corpse

i look up.

...what's up?

my eyes just water up...

augh...every 5 min...i start...

why?

augh...here i go again...

i don't think i've ever done this so often...

fully exhausting me.

i think it's cuz it makes me look at my life.
and so yea...that's why
but what do i got to be sad about?
i ask that all the time...


it's all gonna be okay. somehow i don't know how to use my own advice...

traffic in the sky

there's traffic in the sky
and it doesn't seem to be getting much better
there's kids playing games on the pavement
drawing waves on the pavement
shadows of the planes on the pavement
its enough to make me cry
but that don't seem like it would make it feel better
maybe its a dream and if i scream
it will burst at the seams
this whole place will fall to pieces
and then they'd say...

well how could we have known?
i'll tell them it's not so hard to tell
if you keep on adding stones
soon the water will be lost in the well

puzzle pieces in the ground
but no one ever seems to be digging
instead they're looking up towards the heavens
with their eyes on the heavens
there are shadows on the way to the heavens
it's enough to make me cry
but that don't seem like it would make it feel better
the answers could be found
we could learn from digging down
but no one ever seems to be digging
instead they'll say...

well how could we have known?
i'll tell them it's not so hard to tell
if you keep on adding stones
soon the water will be lost in the well

words of wisdom all around
but no one ever seems to listen
they're talking about their plans on the paper
building up from the pavement
there are shadows from the scrapers on the pavement
it's enough to make me sigh
but that don't seem like it would make it feel better
the words are still around
but the words are only sounds
and no one ever seems to listen
instead they'll say

well how could we have known?
i'll tell them it's really not so hard to tell
if you keep on adding stones
soon the water will be lost in the well

jack johnson

what a day

wow...
if this isn't the most strenuous monday ever...
completely mentally, emotionally, and physically drained right now

extremely nervous, to extremely confident
extremely happy, to extremely sad
it hasn't been too fun

at many points in the day i just needed to scream and belt out profanity.
glad that didn't happen.

extremely mixed emotions today...went through an entire roller coaster in one day

what a day it has been.

right now i'm feeling unsure of myself.

here's my own episode of 24
sequence of events

8:20 - wake up
8: 25 - i knew i'd be late for class for 9:20
8:55 - on the subway
9:15 - began to question if i saved my files to be printed for the presentation
9:30 - discovered that the files were not saved on computer key
9:40 - frantic call home for any chance of getting the files
9:45 - 10:15 - teaching my dad through the phone how to use the computer and even more difficult, to send an attachment on an email
10:20 - got the files
10:25 - printed the files
10:40 - found out my friend got accepted to another master program, not really knowing how to react
10:50 - presented design scheme confidently
11:00 -12:00 - discussing thesis found out deadline is actually on the 13th, reflecting on the four years with a friend
12:10 - design schemes selected, mine was one, felt happy, yet not. because there's more work lead a team.
12:15 - surprise!
12:20 - didn't like the surprise at all. felt queasy and bothered.
12:35 - talked to professor about surprise, everything got sort out.
12:50 - still uneasy
1:00 - lunch with i think i can say some of my best friends in university, but definitely not all of them, at my favourite restaurant
2:00 - doing some crap for RA, feeling pointless
2:30 - 3:00 - just lost and so very tired, listened to music, head down on table
3:05 - 4:00 - picked myself up and tried to work on thesis
4:10 - thought professor wouldn't show up to meet me
4:15 - professor shows up
4:20 - 5:20 - plesant conversation with my thesis prof, she's full of praise that i cannot accept, but completely happy, always a joy to talk with her...she makes mondays more bearable
5:30 - 7:20 - RA time...always sucks as usual, give me more work to do, extremely picky, getting fed up, but still gotta do it kind of feeling
7:30 - onto subway, continuing to read such a good book, gets into the topic of the fear of getting old, and money...hit with such important life lessons
8:00 - so tired, so tired, drive home
8:40 - nobody home, eat whatever in the fridge
9:15 - wanting to turn on computer, but watched some tv
9:30 - computer finally on and found out two of my friends got rejected from a masters program i applied to
9: 35 - complete mix of emotions again
10:00 - ai...just trying to write my mind.

exhausted.

what a day, i still gotta work long hours tonite.

to let go

learning to let go is the topic on my mind today.

how do we let go? let go of what? of people is my main concern.

do we let go? or maybe what part do we let go? or can they never be let go?

i hope i find some answers in the book i'm reading...tuesdays with morrie...

i felt a lot today after visiting the chinese seniors centre today...
all these things ran through my head.
will i end up here? what experiences will i have if i'm let to live past 70, 80, or even 90.
it definitely made the book come to life.

and i definitely felt some warmth today, and tried to give off warmth.

and this stuck out

how fortunate it is to serve, and not be served. just how fortunate?

i was reminded a lot of my grandparents. my passed grandmother is always missed.
as a kid i didn't know how to deal with sickness, with death.
and of course, run away.
it's not that i know how to deal with it now.
but i'm getting insight.

give and get

when i woke up this morning i ran through a list of what i needed to finish for monday
why did i realize this now...aughh...
monday's gonna punch me in the stomach with no hesitation.
___________________________________________

how did the story end up last time? o yea...large flakes of snow falling to the ground

and so continues the journey of the boy who drinks coffee

he took a sip, and the warmth just filled him

so that's why

that's why what? he had a reason to drink coffee

was he still gonna be drinking it in the summer, he thought

of course he would, because it would only remind him

of complete warmth

an interesting thought suddenly crossed his mind

give and get

quite the ideal situation

we must realize that sometimes we give and will never get

and sometimes we get and never give

but when we do give

give without wanting to get

and when we do get

be ever thankful

suburban urbanism

summer, how i miss thee...



the summer is long overdue

the winter doesn't want to leave
_________________________________________

happy today, real happy
listening to such happy music...so good...thanks for the recommendation...it will definitely help me get through these few weeks...ahh...i'm just smiling listening to it...haha...
no mail today yet again, but that's okay.
my grandfather spoke some words of wisdom...'if it's not here yet...there's still hope.' =)

looking forward going to the AGO exhibit today 'MASSIVE CHANGE', and working through the night with such good music...


'makin banana pancakes, pretend that it's the weekend.'

cloudy

have you a cloud?

something that is dark and full of dread
something that is darkening the sky
a somthing growing darker by and by
a something that you're fearful will burst at last
a cloud that does a deep, long shadow cast?
God's coming in that cloud.

yes...i have a cloud, not one, many...hovering over me.
everyone needs clouds...
maybe i'm running away from it...
the thunder and lightning too frightful
i want to hide.

total angst

my heart is in the dumps...
this just in...
i hear that my friend has already been accepted one week ago a masters program that i also applied to...
and here i am still waiting for any news...

i've suddenly lost all concentration...
my hands are freezing...
i may need some support in the coming days...if hit with rejection once again.

i don't know how i'll handle it...
but hey, i gotta console myself
i expect the worse, and if worse comes...

angst: a feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.

capacity

the boy thinks that he has tasted all different kinds of coffee

different blends, with each cup having it's own character

some so sweet, some so bitter

some spoiled by his own attempt

he has been burned more than once

reminded that he didn't like coffee, he ordered another to go

grasping the cup on a cold winter day

with snow falling in large, but sparse flakes slowly to the ground
________________________________________

haha...today i was doing the message for the kids once again for junoir worship
i like it very much...it gets me thinking of what to say, how to say it...so that the kids will pay attention and get something out of it...and definitely praying that God speaks through me.
it's fun and i learn a little from it everytime.

today's theme: turning a negative into a positive
how much more i need to repeatedly learn that lesson...

from the crest

the boy decided to go to another coffee shop,

to get his mind away from the things of the old one,

but however, each time he passed by the old coffee shop

he would peer through the window carefully

seeming to look for something

he knew in his mind that it would never be found...

but there's a thing called hope

there's also a thing called faith
__________________________________

'decend from the crest.'
Songs of Songs 4:8

one day when walking down the street,
on business bent, while thinking hard
about the 'hundred cares' which seemed
like thunderclouds about to break
in torrents, self-pity said to me:
'you poor, poor thing, you have too much
to do. your life is far too hard.
this heavy load will crush you soon.'
a swift response of sympathy
welled up within. the burning sun
seemed more intense. the dust and noise
of puffing motors flying past
with rasping blast of blowing horn
incensed still more the whining nerves,
the fabled last back-breaking straw
to weary, troubled, fretting mind.

'ah yes, it will break and crush my life;
i cannot bear this constant strain
of endless aggravating cares;
they are too great for such as i.'
so thus my heart consoled itself,
'enjoying misery,' when lo!
a 'still small voice' distinctly said,
'twas sent to lift you - not to crush.'
i saw at once my great mistake.
my place was not beneath the load
but on the top! God meant it not
that i should carry it. he sent
it here to carry me. full well
he knew my incapacity
before the plan was made. he saw
a child of his in need of grace
and power to serve; a puny twig
requiring sun and rain to grow;
an undeveloped chrysalis;
a weak soul lacking faith in God.
he could not help but see all this
and more. and then, with tender thought
he placed it where it had to grow -
or die. to lie and cringe beneath
one's load means death, but life and power
await all those who dare to rise above.
our burdens are our wings; on them
we soar to higher realms of grace;
without them we must ever roam
on plains of undeveloped faith,

o paradox of Heaven. the load
we thing will crush was sent to lift us
up to God! then, soul of mine,
climb up! nothing can e'er be crushed
save what is underneath the weight.
how may we climb! by what ascent
will we crest the critical cares
of life! within his word is found
the key which opens His secret stairs;
alone with Christ, secluded there,
we mount our loads, and rest in Him.

mary butterfield

stop

don't want to think today

.....................................................


yet the mind replays the past............

over and over and over again.............

give it a rest...alright?

with hope brings

with hope brings...

many many things...

my first gut reaction is disappointment...sad eh?

yea...sad...where's the optimism?
i used to think of myself as quite the optimistic person...maybe one day it'll return...

i think i flushed it down the toilet...with the help of many people...
to a point i think...maybe i shouldn't hope anymore...

where's the hope when i need it most?
again, down the toilet...

probably setting myself up to be disappointed...
i set myself up because i have hope...
and thus this proves that my hope leads to disappointment...
and hence, with hope = disappointment...to me...
there are many other ways to solving this equation...yet not at this moment.

equations from other respondants:

hope = peace (the first thing that comes to mind? i'm impressed)
hope = joy (definitely..why didn't i think this first)
hope = motivation (agree with this one)
hope = endurance
hope = surrender (a deep thinker)
hope = disappointment (somebody's thinking like me)
hope = patience
hope = dispair (another similar outlook)
hope = possibility
hope = comfort
hope = love (haha...somebody's really in love)
________________________________________

would i be hurt, it wouldn't hurt
to see you again, do you see what i'm in
i've told you before
that i never wanted to feel like this again

maybe i'm useless
if i just could remember
be my illusion and i'll be your distraction.

one of those days

one of those days when what i wanted to happen...happened...
like when approaching a stop light...turn green turn green...it turns green...
i hope my dental appointment goes as scheduled...and BAM...right on 1:00
i hope it doesn't take long because my prof wants me to work...and dentist only took 20 min...
i hope i find a good architecture book at the second hand bookstore...and there in front of me was a brand new book for less than half it's original price...nice...

my RA/AA prof offered me another RA job today for the summer...but only if he gets the grant for research that he's submitted...maybe he'll switch on me again like last year...but he has one project i'd definitely want to work on...i hope he picks me...

i like talking to my thesis prof...she is too nice sometimes i think...
she's so happy...and makes me feel so much more relaxed after talking to her...

'take it easy' she said...as i was leaving...
a sigh of relief...

slouched on my chair, i'm taking it quite easy...
i plan to watch more tv...and the sleep early...

today made me not want to graduate yet

the mind wanders

uuuhhhggg...
whenever i'm thinking of thesis...i want to throw up...like now...
my head just freezes and it goes into another state...

when i think of thesis here are some things that go through my head

- oh great (hugely sarcastic) - here we go again - didn't i do that already - no more...please - auughhhh! - when will this ever finish - why am i looking at this over and over and over again - hurry up - man...this sucks -

haha...so sick of it...

cluttered

the boy really doesn't like coffee and didn't know how he ended up there in the first place

maybe it was the people, the atmosphere, but he never really thought more about it...

he never liked to clutter his mind with useless thoughts of how things came to be...

sitting there, coffee in hand,

this comes to mind

the experience is never lost,

it relives itself, through memories

and strange enough, he loses himself through these thoughts

he would stare out the window and smile

when his mind came back,

he didn't want to look awkward seemingly to smile at nothing,

so he would return to his 'normal' expression

however much he wanted to share what he was thinking

he always held back,

this is something he wastes his time thinking about...

why....

everyday

i'd like to tell a story,

i'm getting inspired from reading...
___________________________________

...everyday at the same time, a boy went to a local coffee shop, sat down to read the paper

and everyday, time passed, and he would leave to do whatever else he had to do

everyday seemed like every other day

this everyday one day, became different because he found a friend to share a conversation, the paper, and a good laugh

and everyday, they would meet at the same time, same location

it was expected that both would show up everyday at the same time same place and never questioned

the boy enjoyed his everyday much more

thinking his friend would everyday feel the same

but this everyday fell through

as the boy continued his everyday at the same time same place, his friend disappeared

without a word, without a reason, everyday, the boy left the coffee shop with his face to the ground

his everyday became once again like every other day

and everyday at least one question would come to mind

and everyday there would be no answer to any...

if one day...by chance...

the boy hopes that everyday will some day all make sense...

new revival

call me what?

a modern revivalist?
naaa....really?
after a long discussion with my prof, looking at my renderings, drawings...she labled me...
she thought for a while, which style...which one...what's that style called...?
then she came up with...'ah...modern revival'

of course i demanded an explaination...me? a modern revivalist?
i didn't think i revived anything...
i design whatever comes to mind...
she said 'look at the furniture you chose...and the forms, the material.'

then i begin looking...analyzing...modern revival...
now i can see it.
she kept saying 'not that modern revival is a bad thing'
probably because i cringed everytime she said it...

but i think anything with the word 'revival' as a style doesn't sound too great.

so after discussing with a friend,
i call the style 'new modernism'
haha...much better.

went to city hall yesterday to set up an exhibition for work done for the community outreach course last term and no AA meeting...rescheduled...very nice...