between me and me

as blessings overflow,
the bottom of the cup sprung a leak.

i know i need rest,
finally get to sleep in just that little bit more
but only because i have a doctors appointment
i get to skip work half for the morning
but then i don't want to waste my time sleeping.
*i just kicked myself for thinking that.

i feel tired.
as tired as i was during thesis.
i always like listening to yuki kuramoto's piano when i write.

glad it's the long weekend, or any weekend at all.
so tired.
_________________________________________

tonight i start my pact.
it will last for a month.
don't know what it is yet.
something between myself and i.
something i will hold myself to.
i will think of it in 10 minutes, before today ends. _________________________________________

so it's been more than a year since my first entry.
back at the same office.
haha...i was just reading my past entries...haha...
when u look back at the past, you laugh
the way i write is different.
choppy, no longer writing long continuous sentences.
short, to the point, many times missing the point.
like my point form notes.
_________________________________________

back to the pact. (a formal agreement)
in these 31 days, i will hold myself to...
this is hard...
for one, to stop beating myself up.
for two, ________________________ (in my mind)
both need a lot of work.
the work starts now.
_________________________________________

live your life.
stop complaining about it.

let me go

pictures now come with posts.

it's been a great weekend.
it's been a great week.

dragon boating is too much fun, i think i need to join a team next year!

'swimming on a sea of faces,
tired of the human races,
an answer now is what i need.'

i don't know how it happens, and it happens often
but last night, after much self inflicted grief,
i opened up my devotional,

'you do not realize now what i am doing, but you will understand.' john 13:7

i don't realize, and i am far from understanding.
those words came at a time i needed them most.

'in this life, we have an incomplete view of God's dealings, seeing His plan only half finished and underdeveloped. yet one we stand in the magnificent temple of eternity, we will have the proper perspective and will see everything fitting gracefully together.'

deep breath,

'i do not ask my cross to understand,
my way to see,
better in darkness just to feel your hand,
and follow thee.'

the tears stopped,
the prayer didn't.

i drifted to sleep.
___________________________________

as the morning came
worship began
and a great worship it is
i sang with my heart
loud and clear
my grief gripped close
yet to release

then i thought,
my grief?
it is not important,
not me, but you.
i'm caught up,
loosen your grasp,
let me go, so i can hold on

my boat, held back by my own inablity to see.

surely down

as i enjoy the quickened pace of my life,
moving so fast i can't really keep up.
the sun goes down at 10:00.

i finally feel i need to use my time wisely once again.
work starts, there isn't much time left in the day to do other things.

my spiritual side has definitely taken a tumble.

work turned out alright today.
being pulled in different directions by the people in the office.
i was even negotiated for.

you can have this person, and i'll have him
or would you rather have him?

i'm glad i'm put to good use at the office.
finally getting into something more interesting.

and i would never imagine that doing an OBC review is something interesting...but the building is in distillery district!

alright, time for the so called 'second job'
man...i get home to work again...
and i'm afraid i won't fully know how to complete the OBC review, so i'll look into it tonite...
______________________________________

so many times i feel like i'm being stabbed in the thigh.
and it won't go away.
everywhere i turn,
everywhere i look and hear.
i already saw from the peak that there is downfall
it just depends how fast or slow
it's going slow,
but surely down.

as i turned out the lights,
i continued listening,
i could not help
but do what i heard.

already there you know

you got it the wrong way round completely
the fact that i love you so
doesn't make me a fool
one day you just might grow tired of chasing
the end of a rainbow
your already there you know

so slow down
tell me why you're running
turn round
let it out and keep it coming
nothing i can do if i can't get to you
slow down

slow down - natalie imbruglia

take care, stay safe

so sad so sad...

people come and go...
people just seem to be going now.
one by one,
everyday, one seems to leave.

stop leaving!
_______________________________

these four years would not have been the same without you my friend.
we've been through so much in university.
take care, stay safe, i'll remember you in my prayers.
_______________________________

workin late tonight...

happy father's day.

i feel i have plenty to write...but my words are not cooperating tonight.

sweet dreams

graduation is what happened today
congradulations is the word i heard the most today
relief is what i felt today

seeing everybody at school for one last time.
the time and effort was well worth it.
it was more than an education, learning experience.
it was time well spent.
and i thought today that i wouldn't mind a few more years of school.

this week has been awsome.
and it will continue through.

i've never had such a good nap before
not usually a nap person,
but this week has drawn the battery life out of me.

some more time to sit and let things sink in.
some more solitude.
need to plug in and recharge.

haha...at the peak of the ride.

eventful

if everyday is like today that would be terrific.
so many things happened.
work was great.
i cleaned up the mess in the library quickly and had the drawings sorted.
office meeting with lunch included as usual every tuesday.
i was allowed to leave work early to attend friend's convo.
extremely hot and humid.
it's fun to see my highschool friends downtown.
i met my good friend.
a new friend.
and somebody back from elementry school.
i wasn't sure it was her so i called her name.
she didn't respond until my friend called her name.
it cool to meet somebody i haven't seen for so long.
it's been so long...10 years.
she didn't recognize me...
in 10 years people change.
but i still recognized her without her glasses.

dinner was great.
hanging out was great.
i wonder how long before i see my friend again...going back to hk to stay.
hopefully not in 10 years.

an eventful day.
i find staring out the window more interesting than the tv or computer screen.
looking forward to another day.

smiling like a billionaire.

feeling warm

my first day of work went well, i get my own office, don't know how long that will last. maybe just till the end of july. didn't do anything fun today in the office, but at least i'm not working CAD drawings from the start.

at my grandparents place after work to eat a long...long dinner.
why so long? i asked a few simple questions, and my grandmother went on...and on...haha
no longer relating to my questions. but that's my grandmother.
she has many stories about my dad, her parents, her life and how it was tough.

i have seen on tv before what it's like to live decades ago, but can't fully comprehend her descriptions of the past. she said she has been told that she has worked so much it equals to three lifetimes of work. and i know how hard she works, i can sense it in her tone of voice. through all this my grandfather remains silient. he isn't much of a talker or doer.

so life was that difficult back then.
is life hard these days?
it's funny how we can still find things to complain about.
is life back then, at any level, comparable to life today?
what are things we suffer through in the modern day?

we don't need to worry about having food on the table, we worry about where to eat.
when we have satisfied our basic needs we try to satisfy others ones.
but we, or i, will never be satisfied.

problems in the modern day?
plenty. the world is very messed up,
more complex than comprehensible.

do i think life is easy?
no.

when my grandmother was talking about her past i could see the tears in her eyes.
i sort of wish i have a story to tell that would bring tears to my eyes.

i think i do...
i'll save it for my grandchildren.
___________________________________

lately, each day...
i have been receiving heart-warming gestures,
i'll keep them close when i'm not feeling that great.
sometimes i wish there is a way of thanking more.

a group, a friend, a friend overseas.
thank you.

here i go

i step into the real tomoro.

i've been there before,
different this time?
not just a summer job.

today someone said it's all downhill once the job starts.
haha....great!

so work tomoro?
all that commute.
i do get a raise.
no promotion though...isn't much to be promoted to.
not many levels in a small company.

okay...work time.

day off

forgiven.

that's what it says on the pendant i wear on my neck.

i've grown to be more comfortable in my own shoes.

i have taken the day off. not that i have work.
sit, stretched out on the sofa, watching a movie that is both 'simple and deep' of life lessons till falling asleep. that is a day off. a day off from life.

my version of a day off is not taking a day off work and packing the day until no time is 'wasted.'
alone in my thoughts, cut off from the world.
too much is certainly not good as i've learned from previous experience.

i'm needed nowhere.
by nobody.

it's a good feeling sometimes.
today it is.
there are not too many days in the future where that is even possible.
enjoy them.

on grandparents

what makes a grandparent?

today after my so called interview with my previous boss
i've been hired again with the pay to be determined when i start working. but with a range in mind.
the office doesn't have enough computers for so many people.
after that, i had lunch with a friend who's working 5 min away from my office.
good that somebody's close!
lunch was good.

then i headed back up to see my grandparents. i haven't seen them for almost a year. i figured it's on my way home, i definitely need to make a stop to see how they're doing. my grandmother is great. question one - how are you? question two - have you eaten? question three - have you eaten? i've eaten i replied, and again. but then how can i resist some good home cooked congee or whatever food that always ready to eat at my grandparents. we went shopping for some groceries after. they can buy more because i can drive the groceries back, so i'm glad. it's fun to watch my grandmother shop for groceries. i guess she's very chinese...haha. they're cool, loving, and laid back.

i gotta spend the rest of my 'holidays' well...relax as much as i can.

_____________________________________________


i don't wanna be anything other than what i'm trying to be lately.
i'm tired of looking around wondering what i gotta do or who i'm supposed to be.
i don't wanna be anything other than me.

it's not that bleak

my parents really know how to make me the happiest kid in the world.

haha...they are full of surprises sometimes.

i went with my mom to shop around a mall, and she bought, i didn't.
i said i'm gonna wait till i get a job first.
i just went to europe! i'm all spent.
being largely subsidized for a second time on eurotour, has been the biggest gift in my life.

so today i was looking at watches and shoes. my watch scratched up from putting it in my pocket mixed with coins in europe. and my shoes that i've worn to europe? i haven't touched them since i got home. they're real nasty. haha...

i was ogling at a watch today for really long. going back to it more than once. looking through the counter, trying it on. nice...but not in my unemployed budget. no way. i wouldn't spend that much for a watch. and plus i'm unquestionably over quota for this years purchasing.

stuff just litters the office i'm in. things from the nine countries i've just visited.
things. too many things that i keep trying to clear, but it's taking days.

so what happens after dinner. my parents go out to to the mall, my dad goes to buy a shirt. my mom needs to make an exchange for a purchase.

so after i wash the dishes, wash my turtle, water the lawn, clean up, home they come with the watch i olged at today.

the expression on my face. haha...kodak moment.

then it turns to 'what?' don't get me this watch, i'm far from deserving it.
what the?!

haha...it's the coolest watch ever.

i don't deserve so much that i have.

i've been called spoiled before. you know what? it doesn't feel that great.
that's alright.
i like to think i spoil my parents the same.
what does it mean to be spoiled anyway? to be loved more than one deserves?

looked it up...haha...so it's 'having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention.'

does my character shows harm through pampering or oversolicitous attention?

enough of that.

tomoro i gotta visit my boss to discuss job.
see what happens.

just as life is.

i apologize for my need to be unclear and obscure.

just as life is.

have a seat

ever been hit by a possible life changing moment?
a few minutes changing the course of the future?
scary as it sounds.
it is.

as my few minutes came to me today.
i didn't seem so shocked.
although scary.

and so? am i being told something? i really think so.

the doctor said it, and i was baffled.

i'll be fine.
right?

_____________________________________

and so i'm up late...as was before the trip.
feeling a bit sorry for myself.

anybody listening?
*screams

i gotta stop before it starts again.
breath...and turn of the computer.

to return

selected excerpt from eurojournal.

may.11.2005

the higher the path, the harder the climb, but each step taken one day at a time...still a few more steps until reaching the top. the view...amazing. the sun is out, not too cold, not too hot. the air, fresh. walking stick in hand. snow capped mountains. there is peace. there is more to life. so relaxing though so tired.

we eventually didn't make it all the way to the peak of the mountain. but i'd say we were at three quarters the way. the hike back down was easier, but with no food in the stomach at 2pm my knees were shaking. the leaves on the ground made it easy to slpp, and occasionally there would be a tree that blocked the way. we finally made it back down, took the wrong train, and eventually getting back to east interlaken. we bought food and cooked it in the hostel. they charged for everything! using their stove cost 1 swiss frank for 20 min of stove heat!

_________________________________________

i'm trying to return, or not to return to my everyday life as per before the trip.
today has been great.

it started with waking up to go to church.

church...it seems such a distant memory.
the people, as always, warm to the touch.

i returned home to go out for dim sum, then remembering why i don't like driving.overcrowded parking lots. should do more walking instead.

but then again, i enjoyed drving so much today, besides the parking factor. it felt so good, to be alone in the car, with the music turned up. privacy, alone time is what i lost for 35 days, and in the car i found out how necessary it is.

the time spent at home is good, doing everyday things, no work, no school. this is the life?

later in the night was an impromtu barbeque at our house. rummaged the fridge for whatever food that could be cooked on the grill. and we came up with quite the menu. had plenty of fun, and ate well.

it was good.

what am i doing with my time? the right things? am i spending it well? does it really matter?

i don't think it did today.

i'm home

i'm finally home.

it's too good to be home.

living in hostels and cheap hotels have made me so happy and feel so fortunate to come back to home.

i kept laughing when i took a shower...it was just too good...haha...i haven't had such a good shower in a long time...

i can litterally see black circles under my eyes...

haha...man...i got a lot to write about.

man...i love the room i'm in. i love my house. my garden. my family.
___________________________________

i'm a different person now that i'm back,
changed?
many folds,
some visible, many not.
(at least now i'm wearing clean clothes...haha)

i know more who i want to be.
i know more who i should be.

for me? for everybody.

'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.' matthew 16:24.

deny myself, take up the cross.
simple answer.

i've learned that i take too much for granted.

i've begun to understand that things around me are placed there or seen for a reason. the people that come and go are there because they were meant to be there.

it's been an life changing month. a once in a lifetime experience, a tiring vacation, and an eye opening adventure.

i now need a real vacation.

thanks,

ciao.