it's time

i wasn't able to sleep last night
so i decided to get up and write
this was written dec 16

a fairy tale is a fictious story
how come it never occurred to me

the one i will share
has broken hearts
mine shattered

i remember a text message i got long ago
it wrote
'don't cry because it happened, smile because it did'

again and again i feel i've left my heart
on the door of your house
the winds howling
and the snow falling

yet you stand inside not knowing
whether to answer the door

i see you through the window
and i know you see me
i wave
no answer
i shout
no answer
a heart that's given all it can
no answer

maybe she thinks i'm some thief
possibly robbing her of all she has
maybe i'm selling something she just doesn't need

friends outside say
let it go
the door won't open
yet i insist
yes it will
they say
you are far from deserving this
i say
am i?

i take my heart and begin to walk down the steps
but time and again
i go back
i'm called to leave and called to go back
stranded.
strangled.

you think carefully
plan strategically
each move is precise

you don't want me to go
yet you don't want me to stay

i don't have the key to the house
and now i think i've lost the keys to my own home

inside is warm and bright
and i wait here dark and cold

there's hope?
is there?

i've failed for trust
i've failed for respect
i've failed for empathy

i look inside again
and it looks colder by the day

she lights a dim candle
smiles
and continues with her own business
i watch the candle flicker in the night
from outside

i failed to see the sign on the door
it says
the owner will not open the door
try to stay warm

i find strength to turn around
and i failed to see
all of you
holding a candle
keeping me warm throughout

the surgury i had was painful
but there are other things that hurt more

i take a tylonol and try to sleep.

what i have said
and have written before

all holds true.

____________________________________________

well well well...
i'm slouched so far down on my seat
that i'll fall off any moment...

and so...
all my hope has led
to lessons learned
and one broken heart.

yea...broken alright
i was surprised at myself
crying in a public place
it's okay for me
for all you to know.

just glad that there weren't
too many people there.

but no...i couldn't hold it in
no matter how much i wanted to

something that i believe in
doesn't pull through
something i've put time and effort
into surmounting to nothing
but nothing

but it's not nothing
i've given
and i've gained

the good
the bad
who's right
who's wrong

it all doesn't matter so much
is it tough?
well sure it is
tougher than i thought?
that too.

probably because i didn't expect

i still know
that if it was
then it would have been
and if it isn't
then that's what it's meant to be

take away from it
not all is lost
learn
and i hope you learn

the moments
the time
the happy, sad, exictied, scared
worried, nervous, devasted, shocked,
lost, consumed
are all part of it.

if you've seen me sad
i think you're fortunate

and hey...
what could i expect
live and learn

jump in the fire
shine brighter

and so this year ends with
so much
i can't even use words.

few more days left...
what could happen

am i prepared to leave?
i'm prepared for anything

i'll pack my bags,
i'm leaving this place.

it's okay...i'll be okay...
really.*

hey...it's me.

*no...not really.