wrestling for peace

been reading a book called 'ordering your pirvate world'
gordon macdonald
late in the night in bed before i sleep
i've been prone to sleep at 2 am everyday
i think it's happening unconsciously
the book explains how in the 21st century we all live on the 'surface'
in constant focus on the 'outer world'
i'm especially a surface person.
i'm not comfortable going beyond the surface
'is there a private world beneath the noise and action at the surface?
can strength and resilience be developed that will bear up under the growing pressure at the surface?'
'the busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others. to be unavailable to our friends and family, to be unable to find time for the sunset, to whiz thorugh our obligations without time for a single mindful breath, this has become the model of a successful life.'
now i'm quite glad i took the time in watching the christmas tree.
my private world is not in total shambles.
one part in the book especially related to me, reminding me of just a few weeks back.
'...more than a few of us have experienced the same pressure from the outer world, crowding in upon us to such an extent that we wondered if some sort of death would not be desireable. during such moments we ask ourselves about the strenght of our reserves-whether we can keep on going, whether it is worth it to keep pressing. in short, we are not sure there is enough spiritual, psychic, or physical energy to keep moving at the pace we are presently trying to maintain.'
is it because i'm working too hard? no, for sure not. it's a combination of many things going on in the inner world that i can't deal with.
'for a few hours, perhaps for a few days (for me, i think it's recurring hours and days), there is a numbness. all the resolve is gone. self-confidence disapprears. it seems as if there will be no tomorrow.'
being forced to the very bottom of one's soul,
i ask why.
surface world seems orderly,
but beyond it,
who knows