it's time

i wasn't able to sleep last night
so i decided to get up and write
this was written dec 16

a fairy tale is a fictious story
how come it never occurred to me

the one i will share
has broken hearts
mine shattered

i remember a text message i got long ago
it wrote
'don't cry because it happened, smile because it did'

again and again i feel i've left my heart
on the door of your house
the winds howling
and the snow falling

yet you stand inside not knowing
whether to answer the door

i see you through the window
and i know you see me
i wave
no answer
i shout
no answer
a heart that's given all it can
no answer

maybe she thinks i'm some thief
possibly robbing her of all she has
maybe i'm selling something she just doesn't need

friends outside say
let it go
the door won't open
yet i insist
yes it will
they say
you are far from deserving this
i say
am i?

i take my heart and begin to walk down the steps
but time and again
i go back
i'm called to leave and called to go back
stranded.
strangled.

you think carefully
plan strategically
each move is precise

you don't want me to go
yet you don't want me to stay

i don't have the key to the house
and now i think i've lost the keys to my own home

inside is warm and bright
and i wait here dark and cold

there's hope?
is there?

i've failed for trust
i've failed for respect
i've failed for empathy

i look inside again
and it looks colder by the day

she lights a dim candle
smiles
and continues with her own business
i watch the candle flicker in the night
from outside

i failed to see the sign on the door
it says
the owner will not open the door
try to stay warm

i find strength to turn around
and i failed to see
all of you
holding a candle
keeping me warm throughout

the surgury i had was painful
but there are other things that hurt more

i take a tylonol and try to sleep.

what i have said
and have written before

all holds true.

____________________________________________

well well well...
i'm slouched so far down on my seat
that i'll fall off any moment...

and so...
all my hope has led
to lessons learned
and one broken heart.

yea...broken alright
i was surprised at myself
crying in a public place
it's okay for me
for all you to know.

just glad that there weren't
too many people there.

but no...i couldn't hold it in
no matter how much i wanted to

something that i believe in
doesn't pull through
something i've put time and effort
into surmounting to nothing
but nothing

but it's not nothing
i've given
and i've gained

the good
the bad
who's right
who's wrong

it all doesn't matter so much
is it tough?
well sure it is
tougher than i thought?
that too.

probably because i didn't expect

i still know
that if it was
then it would have been
and if it isn't
then that's what it's meant to be

take away from it
not all is lost
learn
and i hope you learn

the moments
the time
the happy, sad, exictied, scared
worried, nervous, devasted, shocked,
lost, consumed
are all part of it.

if you've seen me sad
i think you're fortunate

and hey...
what could i expect
live and learn

jump in the fire
shine brighter

and so this year ends with
so much
i can't even use words.

few more days left...
what could happen

am i prepared to leave?
i'm prepared for anything

i'll pack my bags,
i'm leaving this place.

it's okay...i'll be okay...
really.*

hey...it's me.

*no...not really.

if i could

if you could go and change things
and make things better

the willingness to do it
is what it's all about.

slow down everyone
you're moving too fast

anymore

more than us
and we are them
but they don’t know
what’s in their hands
it’s more than you
and it’s more than
i but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if it’s love
at all
not anymore

more than he
more than she
they all sleep
but we just dream

more or less
means more for us
but it’s more
and everybody wants a hand
but i’m too busy holding up the world
to carry on
no not anymore

i wish that i
could fly fly fly away
and if i should fall
and you hear me call
would you stay
more than us
and we are them

but they don’t know
what’s in our heads
it’s more than you
and it’s more than i
but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if this is love
at all
not anymore
anymore
anymore
____________________________________________

merrychristmas

they exist

the joy of christmas

i'm feeling the warmth that there
exist such great people on this planet.

selfless
thoughtful
genuine

makes me embarrased at who i am
and inspires me to do more.

haha...i'm having a complete blast
my last few days here
very worn
but worth every minute
every moment.
completely.

i can already picture what it's going
to be like when i'm coming back from halifax

and already have the feeling of
being alone when i'm over there.
_____________________________________________

i cannot do it alone
the waves surge fast and high
and the fog close all around
the light goes out in the sky
but i know that we two
will win in the end

cowardly, wayward, and weak
i change with the changing sky
today so eager and bright
tomorrow too weak to try
but he never gives in
so we two will win

i could not guide it myself
my boat on life's wild sea
there's one who sits by my side
who pulls and steers with me
and i know that we two
will safe enter port
Jesus and i

writing to reach you

everyday i wake up and it's sunday
whatever's in my head won't go away
the radio is playing all the usual

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you

it's good to know that you are home for christmas
it's good to know that you are doing well
it's good to know that all you know i'm hurting
it's good to know i'm feeling not so well

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you
do you know it's true
and that won't do

maybe then tomorrow will be monday
and whatever's in my head should go away
still the radio keeps playing all the usual

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you
do you know it's true
and that won't do
you know it's you
i'm talking to

astair

astair your glare is killing me
astair in skies of blue
the signs you wear are making me
so confused

but the mountains and the trees
are they just what you need
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving well just
give me a reason why i'll let you down
before you turn around

astair at you're there and i'm still here
i swear i'm so confused
the signs you wear are making me
feel like i'm the one to lose

but the canyons and the seas
are they just what you need
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving well come
give me reason why i'd let you down
before you turn around

but the mountains and the trees
are they what you perceive
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving
give me reason why i'll let you down
before i turn around

matt costa - astair

pierced

this time around
the last day at work has been quite different
yet very similar

haha...i no longer know what i'm thinking...
constantly going back and fourth

i will miss the moments at work...
and some of the people...
________________________________________________

each day something special has been going on.

each gesture is like an arrow straight through me.

thanks to all of you.

9 always

of # 9 and 7

i'm nowhere close to a # 7

but then i'm sure you all got that.
haha...

rather

there's a whole lot of things i want to say
can't seem to get it out
because i know i'll breakdown if i do.

i hope this old train breaks down
then i could take around
you see there's no time to see
cuz time is just a melody

with all the people in the street
walking as fast as their feet can take them
might as well just roll through town
and though my window's got a view
and the frame i'm looking through
seems to have no concern for now

i need this old train to breakdown
please just let me breakdown

but you can't stop nothing if you got no control
of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know
that you don't know nothing
but you don't need to know

wisdom's in the tress not the glass windows
you can't stop wishing if you don't let go
of the things that you find and you lose and you know
you keep on rolling
put the moment on hold

i want to breakdown
but i can't stop now

i can't sleep cuz it hurts when i think
chances we take

too much silence has been misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way
that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came
well
it's leaving
it's leaving
i'm leaving.
__________________________________________

this is what i would rather

it was just another night
with the sunset and a moonrise
not so far behind
to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to all the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

# 9

The expression that you exhibit is represented by the number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

# 7

Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

why me

why would your heart break for me
when mine not for you

but mine does when i know yours has.

but why.
reoccurence

ah...what complicated world
__________________________________________


i now have a friend going with me to halifax!
whoohooooo!

haha...

bullet train

at work

good and bad today

the funny thing is
our PM started getting frustrated at me and my coworker

we're working!
she thinks we won't finish on time
and thinks that we both slack off

'are you both working on that?'

now that i know i'm leaving the office soon i'm not afraid of her...haha

'yea, we're both working on it.'
you got a problem with that attitude

she thinks she's so smart and so fast
she has her strong points
i can see right through her

i can see her wasting her time always...
just talking and talking

but as always
focus on getting your own work done

the two dufflet cakes at the end of work todaymade up for the
rush, draw, redraw, instruct, answer questions, ask questions
and coworkers

a lot of it is about asking the right questions
and doing it right the first time
____________________________________________

i have leaving on my mind
i have you on my mind

like a bullet train
these two weeks race across my mind

and sadly i have to think
could i have done better?

what now

i am quickly going crazy

work has been so demanding it's not that funny
it's been extremely exhausting too

on top of that
add so many things

me no want to go to work
me no want to go to school

boo

heaviness

i never wanted to feel like this again

can you stop all the world now

sooner or later

i'll lose all control now

nothing to fear
_____________________________________

heart of mine
why must you stray

from one so fair
you ran away

and one more time
you have to pay for heaviness
and needless shame

heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own

he's been there
all along
watching for me down the road

come home running
his arms are open wide
he is the answer i am looking for

come home running
just as i am

stop looking...

his name is Jesus.
he understands.

over by the ocean

already been 6 days since my last one.

time is passing too fast
and i continue to count down to the day i leave

non-stop madness.
it's getting to a point where i don't know
what to do first

so many thing going on

*yawn

so tired yet
don't want to sleep

i don't know how many days i have left in this room
____________________________________________

the roller coaster continues to creep it's way up
and i'm looking down

this is what it feels like to leave home

...

i've received so many well wishes
many i'll miss you's
and given many i'll miss you too in return

but yea
you can't have everything
win some, lose some

my mom says
'there's always a light on you, wherever you go'
and i know she means God's light is on me always

'wherever you go, you'll be fine.'

it has never failed
no exception this time either i know.

thank you for telling me that it is God who provides

i can hear it in people's voices that there is
something in them that doesn't want me to go
and that means most to me.

i'm sure they can see how much i don't want to leave.
however much i don't want to go,
i know i'm going because i need to do this.

i begin to look at toronto as a city
thinking how different it will be in halifax
and then i picture halifax in the spring and summer
and then i think of my life over there
i think about what my place will be like

i want to see people here
i want to know what's going on in your life
i want to be here
i'm needed over by the atlantic ocean?

at the same time

i can't wait to learn new things
i can't wait to sit by the water
i can't wait to get my degree

however much i don't want to go...
____________________________________________

i want to see you all
at least once more before i go

i make it seem like i'm never coming back...haha

but yea...this will be difficult for me on my own.

may God continue to bless each and every one of you.

however much i don't want to go...

if you knew me

as i look to the christmas tree
the same christmas tree
i've seen for over many years

makes me down thats all.

and again,
at this happy time
i can't seem to be

i guess it's that
when i'm troubled
i need sympathy
thanks to those who have been

and no...this isn't really working.

however much i want to say and think that it is
i really don't know

i know i am given what i can handle.

if i wasn't capable
it wouldn't be mine

so easily happy
yet easily crushed

that's what i am

you know what
forget about it.
________________________________________

dark clouds cast a patch of shadow over our hearts
i listen closely to the feelings
that have long been silienced

distinct and transparent
like a beautiful landscape
that can only been seen from memory

can a heart that's been thoroughly wounded
keep on loving me?

i work hard to stretch out
my warmth-less hands

a gentleness that came and went
has already been locked by time

all that's left are grievances
that cannot be waved apart

longing is like a maple leaf
slowly drifting downwards

i ignite a candle to warm the end of autumn

tears that have fallen
has let love completely permeate
the surface of the earth

snowflakes now covered the ground
and i dread to know that the leaves outside
have turned to ice

and i can't do anything
with this pair of warmth-less hands

________________________________________

your cup of grace
is deeper than
the ocean

your strong embrace
is wider
than the sky

Jesus
my heart cannot break enough for
your love

a well that runs deep within
my soul

your perfect words
go further than
tomorrow

when my world shakes
you pull me through
the storm

Jesus
my heart cannot break enough
for your love

spirit waltz - something like silas

too soon

i don't know whether to be happy or not

people say congradulations...
i'm thinking what for?

i can't say thank you with confidence

reason

leaving home?
what?

really...?
i've thought about it many times

reality will hit me in one month
one month exactly
and that month is december 2005

now

no
i'm not ready
i'm not ready to leave what has been
built up for so many years

let me digest

and i'll get back here

our destiny

a common destiny for all

so i reflected on all this and concluded that
the righteous and the wise and what they do
are in God's hands
but no man knows whether
love or hate awaits him

all share a common destiny
the righteous and the wicked
the good and the bad
the clean and the unclean
those who offer sacrifices and those who do not

as it is with the good man
so with the sinner
as it is with thsoe who take oaths
so with those who are afraid to take them

...

the living know that they will die
but the dead know nothing
they have no further reward
and even the memory of them is forgotten

their love
their hate
and their jealousy have long since vanished
never again will they have a part in anything
that happens under the sun

...

whatever your hand finds to do
do it with all your might
for in the grave
where you are going
there is neither working
nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom

the race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the learned
but time and chance happen to them all

no man knows when his hour will come

as fish are caught in a cruel net
or birds are taken in a snare
so men are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them

ecclesiastes chapter 9 various verses

the truth of the bible.