further down

if today could be any crappier.

being waken up at 6am is not a great thing
to discover that i've missed something very important
before i went to sleep

and then waken up again by the constant noise
of construction in the apartment.

futher...
it seemed like everyone was doing things slower
to piss me off

without much motivation for my third term of school this year
i've fallen into a trap of not doing anything
probably because the courses are not inspiring

futher...
it's gloomy...windy...and rainy outside...
with small flakes of white stuff floating in the air...
no...it's not snow...
it's probably something toxic...
ah...but what can i do

what i can do is sit here and continue
moping around at how miserable my day is...
it hasn't ended yet

i always do this when these days come around...
i eat mcd's
arr...makes me feel better for those 20 minutes
then back to reality...without those french fries...

is that all i had going today?
french fries?
sadly...yea....

i found it very hard to crack a smile and joke...
riding on a rollercoaster that goes up and down
when's the next up...
because this down is taken me far below

time to get lost in my work and loud music.

right?

back to the blog
when nobody can hear
what this heart screams

an overflow of questions
leads me
to the question of who i am
and if i am a person
who has the capability
to negativly influence others

without a doubt
i have this capablity
we all do

then comes into question
what is negative?
that is subjective

the title
life isn't easy
but learn to enjoy and love

i'm learning the first part of that title
more and more every day

then...
what is love?
and am i even capable to exhibit this
even once a day?

is there much good left in this world?
i believe that i am not one to perpetuate the notion
that there isn't

questioned to be fundamentally incorrect
yet i cannot find it in me
to understand that i am
only i have been seeing through these eyes
only i have been hearing through these ears

notice all the i's
and me's
the selfishness of my thought

ongoing...
the thought
if i'm right
and you're wrong
or
you're right
and i'm wrong
is there no in between?
and is there cause to immediately reject...
ah...the complexities...
do you sit and listen
or do you ache to interrupt with what you believe is right?
do you try to convince because that is assertive
or do you try to convince because you believe
and do you still try to convince
when you know
it would be clash and conflict?

and harsh to ever say
i'm right
you're wrong
nobody likes the latter part
because that is insulting
to however many years of existence
that it has taken to finalize this conclusion

i would be the most naive...
only because i know
that knowing less is always better
yet we always strive to know and learn more

no conclusions have been made
yet many questions have arrived
my innermost intention is not to light a fire
and the chinese saying goes
paper cannot cover a fire

my innermost intention questions
whether one is capable of living
in acceptance to what one believes is fundamentally wrong
and how much it takes to
really live in acceptance
to what one believes is fundamentally wrong

i hope that you believe in me...
i believe in you.
there is a yet...
but if there is acceptance
the yet disappears...
and i hope that i am not a
negative influence on you

all this hope...
left to be realized...
i'm sitting on the edge here...

i'm thankful i get the time
to ponder and talk about these questions

because believe me
haha...
i'm not always right.
just kidding...
i always am.

minutes of relief

come and talk of all the things we did today
hear and laugh about our funny little ways
while we have a few minutes to breathe
and i know that it's time you must leave

darling be home soon
i couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdle
it's not just these few hours
but i've been waiting since i've toddled
for the great relief of having you to talk to

and now a quarter of my life is almost passed
i think i've come to see myself at last
and i see that everlasting moments
have happened in the time i spent with you

so go and beat your head against the sky
try and see beyond the houses
and try to see beyond your eyes
it's okay to shoot the moon

letter

i know somebody who works with kids that have cancer
someone sent him this

'sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon
come out of the operating room.
she said how is my little boy?
is he going to be all right?
when can i see him?"

the surgeon said
i'm sorry
we did all we could
but your boy didn't make it

sally said, why do little children get cancer?
doesn't god care any more?
where were you god
when my son needed you?

the surgeon asked
would you like some time alone with your son?
one of the nurses will be out in a few minutes
before he's transported to the university

sally asked the nurse to stay with her while
she said good-bye to her son
she ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.
would you like a lock of his hair?
the nurse asked
sally nodded yes

the nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair
put it in a plastic bag and handed it to sally
the mother said
it was jimmy's idea to donate his body
to the university for study
he said it might help somebody else
i said no at first, but jimmy said
mom, i won't be using it after i die
maybe it will help some other little boy
spend one more day with his mom

my jimmy had a heart of gold
always thinking of someone else
always wanting to help others if he could
sally walked out of children's mercy hospital
for the last time
after spending most of the last six months there
she put the bag with jimmy's
belongings on the seat beside her in the car
the drive home was difficult

it was even harder to enter the empty house
she carried jimmy's belongings
and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room
she started placing the model cars
and other personal things back in
his room exactly where he had always kept them
she lay down across his bed and
hugging his pillow
cried herself to sleep

it was around midnight when sally awoke
laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter
the letter said:

dear mom, i know you're going to miss me
but don't think that i will ever forget you
or stop loving you
just because i'm not around to say i love you
i will always love you mom
even more with each day

someday we will see each other again
until then
if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely
that's okay with me
he can have my room and old stuff to play with
but if you decide to get a girl instead
she probably wouldn't like the same things
you'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like

don't be sad thinking about me
this really is a neat place
grandma and grandpa met me
as soon as i got here and showed me around
but it will take a long time to see everything
the angels are so cool
i love to watch them fly
and, you know what?
jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures
yet, when i saw him
i knew it was him
jesus himself took me to see god

and guess what, mom?
i got to sit on god's knee and talk to him
like i was somebody important
that's when i told him
that i wanted to write you a letter
to tell you good-bye and everything

but i already knew that wasn't allowed
well, you know what mom?
god handed me some paper
and his own personal pen to write you this letter

gabriel is the name of the angel
who is going to drop this letter off to you
god said for me to give you the answer
to one of the questions you asked him
where was he when i needed him?
god said he was in the same place with me
as when his son jesus was on the cross

he was right there
as he always is with all his children
by the way, mom, no one else
can see what i've written except you
to everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper
i have to give god his pen back now
he needs it to write some more names
in the book of life
tonight i get to sit
at the table with Jesus for supper
i'm, sure the food will be great

i almost forgot to tell you
i don't hurt anymore
the cancer is all gone

i'm glad because i couldn't stand that pain anymore
and god couldn't stand to see me hurt so much either
that's when he sent the Angel to come get me

signed with love from: god, jesus & me'

journey

_______________________________________________

my cause for concern
is it a cause for your concern?

if there was not such a purpose for concern
i would not have known how concerned i could be

different roads taken
lead to different roads ahead

as always
they have intersected
paralleled
overlapped
crossed

highways
sidestreets
one-way
two-way
roadblock
proceed with caution
winding
signs everywhere indicating direction

how much further?

driving along
with my lights on high
following you
who is ahead of me

don't go too fast
i try to catch up
the fog is thick
i am concerned

know that i am
slow down
so i won't get lost

or even better...
lets get there together.

far from lost

when everything seems
far away

my strongest line of defense
is a smile i can't hold up
when nobody's looking

and then
when i least expect it
it robs me blindly
when i discover it
at first glance
it seems i have nothing left
i dig deeper into my pockets
and pull out something more
than what is lost

i will adapt to what is gone
yet having it was so great before
only reminds me to cherish
what was in the past
and not take it for granted

when i knew this day
was something eventual
it's always different than how
i pictured it to be
i will make the most of it
as we will continue to strive
higher, farther, greater
no different.

remember the time that was
listening to the song that brings it all back
it's not bad after all
to know that those days lie shortly ahead.

the present
is mere time to make
the future even better.

time and again

it's that time again.

time to pack.
strange.
feels like i've lived halifax
for a very short while
wonder why...
the weather is getting colder
and all signs are pointing directly
back to school

it's the fourth time
i've been back to toronto
since starting my studies
i'm back home every even month
february - one week
april - two weeks
june - one week
august - one month
back again in october - several days
and again in december - several weeks
so i will have been home 1/4 of the year

coming back this time things are different
brother is living in a new home
making me feel like an only child

changes have come
and life has become fresh and new
getting used to it
imagining the future
and realizing the past
that has made the present
and then...
it seems to make sense...

really doesn't feel like i've been home for a month
probably because i've been out
most of the days...
missed some people i wanted to meet up...
always next time.

5600 hours of internship
the count down starts january 2007
bugger.