a conclusion begins

so today's the conclusion of 'reading week'
or what i used to call it 'work to death week'
but this one, this year, i'd call it the 'relax and enjoy week'

it is also close to the conclusion of february...
a month of...

well...a few words won't do it justice,
it's a month that will stay in my mind for many years to come.
i think it's a month where i grew up so much more than i would want to...

to know less, to understand less, to care less,
may be some things i wish,

to erase this month?
sometimes i see that as a good thing,

yet i think in this month,
i've encountered a person that i'll meet in heaven
and i use the word encountered, lightly,
i've been reading a book i just got 'the five people you meet in heaven,' reading it till i almost fall asleep in bed for a few days,
a story about a man who finds out that heaven is a place you learn about your life through five people, why things happened

those five people would have impacted your life in a certain way that you will find out only in heaven.

i quote from the book
" 'no life is a waste,' the blue man said. 'the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.' "

that is also my conclusion to this month.

spoke my heart

went to the level 7 bandshow today,
good songs
i could totally feel the lyrics
i guess because they're all around the same age as i

you and i are one

making choices, fearful decision
that may change our lives
mysterious future numerous consequences
yes, we're both afraid
you and i have separate roads
growing up, it just seems so tough
you and i are grown ups
saying goodbyes, never an easy time
we'll treasure every tear

when we meet again, hope you'll tell me that
i've been in your prayers

stay faithful to the Lord we trust.

or anything

i can't stand to fly
i'm not that naive
i'm just out to find
the better part of me

i'm more than a bird
i'm more than a plane
i'm more than some pretty face beside a train

i wish that i could cry (no need to wish)
fall upon my knees (been there)
find a way to lie (don't do this)
about a home i'll never see (i'll see it someday)

it may sound absurd
but don't be naive
even heroes have the right to bleed
i may be disturbed
but won't you concede
even heroes have the right to dream

up, up and away, away from me
well it's alright
you can all sleep sound tonight
i'm not crazy or anything

i'm only a man in a silly red sheet
digging for kryptonite on this one way street
i'm only a man in a funny red sheet
looking for special things inside of me

i'm only a man
i'm only a man looking for a dream
and it's not easy…

it's delicate

it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate

so why do you fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
and why did you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you

why did you sing with me at all?

there will be other songs...
the notes we pieced together
i know sounds sweet
but with no one to play
to sing
there is no music.

gonna be okay

i had some fun in the kitchen today...
cooking once in a long time is good...
just 15 minutes more until dinner time.
turning off the computer for more than 3 hours during the day is definitely an accomplishment.
__________________

i knew i'd be okay,
have faith.

transparency

just finished a 50 min long cellphone conversation with a glazing supplier
felt like i was working
or having a private glass construction lecture
helped me out so much...i'm not actually buying their product, i'm just a student with a thesis, yet he took his time explaining all this glass stuff. amazing. in this corporate world, people don't just care about money...what a relief.
at one point in the conversation...he paused to ask, so is this building going to actually be built, and i thought, oh great, he's no longer going to help because i'm not actually going to buy from his company, but he asked because he wanted to know if i would need to compromise the project with the owner and developer, but i didn't so i could use whatever glazing system i thought was best.
he helped me design the glass portions...what a great guy. and mentioned so many issues i need to take into account...
glass is the most important part of my building,
construction with glass represents the architecture of today.

humbled

a smile on my face.

i laugh suddenly.

from the heart to the face.

returning to myself.
____________________________

i wanted you to know
the way that we are living
as people come and go
they always leave us with something
we got marks
we can keep

lets move on

yawn...
drawing the most out of 'reading week' that has only just begun...
half of the day has been spent so far...plenty done today...
good times at fellowship...with needed prayers

more motivated for thesis, yet quite lacking in energy...
i'm enjoying the room i'm trying to create...
we like to believe that we can 'create space'
yawn...

it's gonna be a long march...a long long march...i can feel it creeping up...
yawn...

feb 19
'every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.' john 15:2

i feel like i've been cut down...a good thing.

come thirsty

bought a new devotional book today titled 'streams in the dessert.' sort of reminds me of the little prince...when the storyteller is desperately looking for water in the dessert...and when he does find a well, the water is sweeter than anything imaginable.

the first sip of the book was definitely sweet
the devotionals are divided into one story a day for 365 days
Feb 18

'whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.' Mark 11:24

as simple as that.
the story about a boy and his christmas present. grandma promised him a stamp album, but never really gave it to him at christmas. i'm thinking in my mind the boy would complain to the grandma and be sad about not getting the present, but no, the boy believed that he already received it when he was telling his friends about it. it was after one month, and still no present. it was not that the grandma forgot, but she needed to order the specific one and it came in the mail late, and being the wrong order. instead of waiting any longer, she sends the parents the money to buy the album for the boy in their home town.

take heart

when you're weary, feeling small
when tears are in your eyes,
i will dry them all
i'm on your side
when times get rough
and friends just can't be found

like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down

when you're down and out
when you're on the street
when evening falls so hard
i will comfort you
i'll take your part
when darkness comes
and pain is all around

like a bridge over troubled water

i sit here wondering what if i asked earlier...

i remember so well

awhg...
who would have guessed...that i would run into the person i wanted to see, yet didn't want to see...
reminding me back to why in the first place...
awhg...
i was put together poorly today, threw stuff on and headed out...
what an awkward moment...
i can't say that i'm glad,
yet i'm not all disappointed...
but i will remember the moment while it lasted...

monday drain

after a long 'valentines' monday...

no drawing tonite...just reading...and listening to sappy songs...boo...
try to be happy where you are...it's hard...yes...

'to those who understand life, that would have given a much greater air of truth to my story. for i do not want anyone to read my book carelessly. i have suffered too much grief in settling down these memories. six years have already passed since my friend went away from me, with his sheep. if i try to describe him here, it is to make sure that i shall not forget him. to forget a friend is sad. not everyone has had a friend. and if i forget him, i may become like the grown-ups who are no longer interested in anything but figures...'

'i sort out travelers, bundels of a thousand, said the switchman. they are in a great hurry, said the little prince, what are they looking for? not even the locomotive engineer knows that, said the switchman. are they coming back already? demanded the little prince. these are not the same ones, said the switchman, it is an exchange. were they not satisfied where they were? asked the little prince. no one is ever satisfied where he is. said the switchman. are they pursuing the first travelers? demanded the little prince. they are pursuing nothing at all, said the switchman. they are asleep in there, or if they are not asleep they are yawning. only the little children are flattening their noses against the windowpanes, said the switchman. only the children know what they are looking for, they waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them, and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry...said the little prince. they are lucky, said the switchman.'

lucky indeed.

i'm not going anywhere

this is why i always wonder
i'd always try not to remember rather than forget

i tend to keep myself away from their goodbyes
tide will rise and fall along the bay
and i'm not going anywhere
people come and go
and walk away
but i'm not going anywhere
i'm not going anywhere.

stay by my side

i cannot say where my heart is
it's all too much in my mind
the experience is gone before it's even here

there was love on my mind in the weekdays
and a longing for someone in the night
it was just a strive for what i can't have

stay by my side
as we hope for someone to show
don't leave my side
though it's not what we hoped for

you may take what you need when you want to
and use me up if you wish
feelings stay the same as i'm asleep

there was hope for a sense of belonging
and a story was played in my mind
a daydream's just enough for the state that i'm in

stay by my side
as we hope for someone to show
don't leave my side
though it's not what we hoped for

i don't want feelings
i don't want songs
stuck in my head too long
i don't need memories
to lean upon
when i know where i belong

worthwhile

i ought to say that i haven't had such a great day in a long time...
enjoying my sore feet,
and knowing that i've had a well spent day.
from the design show, to jap food, to music, to books, to a homecooked meal, to shower, and to now...ahhhh.....that's not a scream, but a sigh of relief...
i feel quite motivated and inspired to continue my work...
days like this make this long trudging journey worthwhile...

february's poem

life goes on
i was never like this
you will carry me
on my way to recovery
get up and live
keep looking forward
see the world change.

a good start

it's been quite the refreshing day.

look up, lift your head

i want to see miricles
to see the world change
wrestled the angel
for more than name
for more than a feeling
for more than a cause...

life is not what i thought it was
but i'm not copping out...

it's a new year.

amidst a thought

i've just notice that whenever a new michael w smith cd comes out, i'm in quite a sad state. coincidence? maybe he just knows when i need his music, or maybe i run to his music when in dire need.
just as i run to God when i am in need, but i am changing...as people do.

talking to my friend led to some insight on myself...that i've changed. the older i get, the more i discouraged and disheartened i have become. the world is a dark place, five years ago the thought would have never entered my mind. i told him that i no longer listen to happy music, and i paused to wonder why. i remember making discs called 'happy songs' haha...how naive i see myself back then. but i would, without a doubt or second thought, return to being like how i was just a few years back. gotta keep looking forward.

quite the long day. too much thinking on mondays. think think think...and think fast...glad it's almost over...i could use some zzz's

now looking back to greek architecture for new inspiration for thesis...i hope it will lead somewhere.

snap out of it

from my devotion...

'then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said 'get up and eat.' 1 kings 19:5

when depressed, it is often best to simply do something ordinary. God has always been in the ordinary things. we want to see him in a glorious vision, but we are more likely to see him in the simple sharing of a meal with a friend. we often see God in places we never thought he'd be. when we find him there, it's the first step on our way out of darkness.

it's okay to feel down.
take your time.
then get up.
get up and live.

yes sir!

picking up the pieces

on my way to recovery.

mending the shattered.

i'm finding out who i am and who i want to be.

the Lord is kind.
he heard my cry.

showed me what to do.

it only gets better from here.

pull me through

sometimes i wonder if my beating heart has a reason
the thought of breathing only takes my breath away
i've spent so many nights wrestling with this feeling
do i have the strength to make it through the day

sometimes i wonder if the road i'm on has a reason
it's hard to go on, when you just don't know
we can shoulder all the weight of life between us
until the fear of what we cannot see is gone

but i was never meant
to walk this road alone
i can always trust you
when you say

i will carry you
be your strength
pull you through
reach for me
take my hand
we will pray
and we will stand
in a world
crying out for peace
let your heart be srong
for when i am weak
you will carry me.

there's a river of sorrow running through my heart.

not myself

i was never like this...
in the state that i am in.
it's not good.
not good at all...
nights drag on...and on...
i have time to spend...unlike before...
so i start thinking and doing things that i don't usually do...
too much time thinking is bad right now.
the more i think, the more i worry,
like a snowball gaining speed...

i'm carrying heavy burdens.
but then again, i remember writing before,
that God doesn't give burdens to carry on your own.

if you have the will...
pray for me.

human spark

i thank michael w smith once again for his wonderful music,
new cd 'healing rain'

there's a river,
of sorrow,
running through my heart,
through the long night i will follow
the glimmer in the dark,
Lord you are the human spark.

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great day today,
the sun was out...weather was good...spring is fast approaching.
good times at lunch...haha...