in two months

been two months eh

it's been so long...
so long.

not that i forgot that i need to write
it's that life was getting bleak
with little improvement
and increased chaos

close once again to the finish line
of yet another term

this one seemingly longer than most
probably because through most of it
i haven't been well.

you pray for patience
you will be given an opportunity
to gain more patience

you pray for courage
you will be given an opportunity
to test that courage

i am thankful for those who have
been so thoughtful
who have lightened up dark days
where i couldn't focus and think clearly

i walked down streets
thinking
will i ever get better from this
it was bad.

i've seen many doctors
i couldn't get a clear answer
a clear diagnosis
i would get a small part from one
then some other information from another

it was like putting a puzzle together
i was trying too hard to fit pieces together
and further worsened my own cause.

stressed at being stressed.
worry that had no end.
chainlinked snowballing thoughts.

now led to brighter days
where i have the opportunity to
understand how awful it can be
with long lasting symptoms that severely affect
one to live day to day life.

i've been given the opportunity
to face the challenges of the real world
with real world experiences.
not the most pleasant of all
with many logistical issues.

i've been given the opportunity
to escape the world of reality
through a theoretical design thesis
where anything can go
though still...must back it up
with reason and justification

i thought i couldn't surpass last year
and the year before.
things that happen seem more significant
year after year.
is it because they actually are?
or is it just with age?

thesis is tireless
leaving me feeling thoroughly insufficient
with my inability to argue
my lack of knowledge
my lack of creativity
all brought out in front of
a keen audience
who know more
have seen more

it's funny when i just read
'five years in a design program,
at a sufficiently respectable design school
will bleed most of the colour
out of this person's palette
and leave them crushed and vulnerable
enough to fully engage the profession.'

it's just that.

a discussion and lecture on ethics in architecture.
i mean
how many of us
fortunate enough
really get to practice what we preach
in the real world.
first thing out of school
we're taken by the strong hold of economics.
our theory and values so quickly forgotten

that hit home.
the questions always come.
what will you do after you graduate?
where will you be?
who will you work for?

i can only say
i need a break
i'm taking time off.
but the industry is booming
there is plenty of work
i want to get my 9 licencing exams
out of the way
and i do want to complete the rest of my
unfinished 5000 internship hours.
i also want to live.
i can't stand still.

i need to be friends
with the ones i still have.
friendships seem to hang by threads
easily cut
easily gone
with some there is more holding it together
than mere threads.
it's obvious that
you miss something more when it's not there.
when it's there,
there's nothing to miss.

i'm no longer as afraid of deadlines
as i was before
i use less time to do my work
i try to sleep more instead
i've learned

i'm very thankful for support
near and far.