picking up hope

weather does relate to mood.

went to school for what seemed like five minutes today to hand a project.
my request has been answered.
rain down on me.

as i finish another part of the thesis
i strain to continue working.
again lacking motivation.
no foreseeable goal ahead.
that's the way i work.
i need a carrot in front of me.
but sadly it dropped
and i don't feel like walking anymore.
i'm questioning myself
and this questioning drags me down.

i read to regain my thoughts.
i picked up mere christianity by c.s. lewis
and flipped through and stopped at a chapter labled 'hope'
' most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. there are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. the longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or the first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning can really satisfy.'
are we supposed to constantly chase till we reach the rainbow's end?
will we ever reach it?
when we finally realize we cannot grasp it we no longer expect anything more than we have.
is heaven just something we look towards to keep that carrot from falling down?
it is not some mere form of wishful thinking.
we have been trained to keep our eyes fixed on this world
yet heaven cannot be characterized by anything of this world, not harps nor gold nor crowns
these are mere symbols of this world.
'creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for these desires exists'
as i finish, i pick up my motivation
and continue walking.