almost there

this term comes quickly to an end.
half of fourth year, the last year, gone.
can't wait to get some more sleep. yawn...
going down to the rivoli tomoro to watch a gig raising money for children affected by aids in africa. office party on saturday...switchfoot concert on the 8th...whoohoo!
can't wait.
after all this fun
then comes the time
to make changing life decisions
yet,
then again,
it's not up to me
not at all

cannonball

so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words i long to hear

lyrics by damien rice

delicate

so why d'ya fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d'ya sing hallelujah
if it means nothin' to ya
why d'ya sing with me at all?

lyrics by damien rice

cold snow

the snow is falling
the decorations still need to be set up in the house.
to be done after the 3rd.
everything...push back after the 3rd.

29 community outreach design presentation
1 outreach design centre report
3 is thesis schematic design presentation

hope for the best
prepare for the worst
take whatever comes my way with a grin.

wet ground

wet ground and the snow is still not falling
circumstances are alarming, darling
the future is just a word, that's how i recall it
the past is much more present in our yawning

if you are to change your mind
don't think i'll forget where i have been
i'll stay till this torment's over
and i know not where i'm going
make it easy on me please

lyrics by sondre lerche

i set myself up today.
to be hurt.
and hurt i am.

light my path

i know i need to get plenty of work done on my 'two days off'
it's getting somewhere...but not as far as i would like...boo

i feel comforted when the other day when asked about masters by my friend in studio
i yelled out 'i'm lost'
then i heard 'i'm lost too'
and 'me too'
and 'yea'

our heads drooped in the air
silence for mere moments

all of us seeming quite doubtful
the fear of rejection is far to great

it's like working for 4 years on a project to finally be rejected in the end

here we go again trying determine our lives
or have our live be determined by others

just finished watching 'lost' today
i can somewhat relate to the characters

light on my path once again

bringing back

internet decided not to work for couple days.
i decided to continue to work everyday.

bring back myself
bring back the happy
bring back the one who takes the time
bring back the one who looks people in the eyes
bring back the smile
bring back the calm
bring back me

me?

taking a break from model building...
visited this site:

http://noracom.net/eng/fortune/fortune.php

red wolf person is cheerful, pure and amiable.
however, you don't like interference (who does?), and because you yourself don't depend on others, you give the impression of being gruff and abrupt. (yea..i think so)
you are born with luck, and will be recognized socially and economically. (um..?)
you don't like to suck up to your boss. (uhh? i don't think should be called sucking up...if i had a choice i would rather be the boss)
you have a strong sense of justice, and even if you would be disadvantaged, you will act according to your principles. (for sure)
You guard your responsibility precisely, and your cautiousness at work will get you trust of the others. (i try)
The weakness is you tend to get bored easily. (i try to like being bored, a necessity in today's world)
and being clumsy makes it difficult to become successful in the society, but if you meet a boss who would understand you, luck will come by. (i hope)
you are good at producing original ideas, and are never out of new ideas and unique plans. (yea!)
you have the power to put that into action as well. (whohoo!)
you can carry out a race to be number one in areas that you are good at. (true, i don't race in anything i'm not good at)
so, you are suited to become a specialist. (uh huh)
even if you change jobs, you are able to accumulate knowledge, and will develop your own career. (sounds good)

so much.

i don't feel like being myself...
so much stored up.
so much.
i've been pondering why i'm constantly in pain.
stress?
it leads to tension.
why all the stress?
so many things i can't write.
but stored up in the head.
so much.
why all the hurt?
i don't want to keep it in there anymore.
can i press delete?
i think i need a long train ride.
one that takes 10 years.

my strength my song

as i embarked on the journey yesterday to 'yonge street mission' i didn't really know what to expect. but i expected the worse senarios. having to wake up at 7:00am on a saturday is quite dreadful. serving breakfast to children and conversing with them was really quite the experience. it was a diverse group of children around 20 of them. i could defintely see God working through them. a sad thing i don't often see in myself. when i remember people, i remember the lasting impression. i see in my 'mind's eye' open smiles. warm and friendly. it definitely makes me want to go back. where i know they seek things than themselves. i felt very comfortable and definitely welcome. one of the workers there that led the gym activity was quite an inspiration. i was thanked, he did not know my name, nor what i did to help, nor who i was, but thanked. i'm glad i woke up to go. again, i am humbled.

my hope is in the name of the Lord.

100 - 99 = 1

verge of breaking down.

i feel i'm beginning to crumble.
the sand and soil of my tower is slowly beginning to loosen.
everything seems to pull me apart.
everything.
the facade is melting away.
the structure being revealed.
it was not deemed steady at the beginning.
miscalculations were the cause.
1 + 1 = 5?
nothing is adding up.
I had my first coffee of the term.
yuck. >_<*

shocking

yesterday's shock recorded today

shock 1
after reading the syllabus for the COP course, seeing that two things were due the next day worth 40% of the course. Our group has not discussed or even met for the project. we don’t seem to worry, or at least I don’t seem to worry about my electives. after arriving to school i found out that nothing was due the next day. prof was generous to give an extension.

shock 2
right after finding out about the extension – I received an e-mail my mentor and previous co-worker. she told me she resigned. utterly shocked. she wrote that she was sad to leave, but happy that she had another job. I think she probably found a new and maybe even better job so she decided to leave and even mentioned that she intends to start her own office. So I now must work things out with her as soon as possible. she asked if i would be interested in working together.

shock 3
my RA hours are up. I had a maximum of 74 hours I could work for prof. I told prof that I’ve used all the hours for which I can get paid. prof said bleep, face and eyes turned red. well prof is having a stressful week and told me that he is trying to get me a new position. no more RA….it will be TA+AA. The pay would double. prof said that if i can’t get that position, he will pay me out of his pocket. more hours of work….@_@

all in all the day has been rough.
I don’t know whether to categorize these things as good or bad.

there’s fallback, there’s opportunity.

I'm looking in the mirror thinking, 'what are you doing?'

twenty four

twenty four oceans. twenty four skies. twenty four failures. twenty four tries. twenty four finds me in twenty-fourth place. twenty four drop outs at the end of the day. life is not what i thought it was twenty four hours ago. still i'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. and i'm not who i thought i was twenty four hours ago. twenty four reasons to admit that i'm wrong. with all my excuses still twenty four strong. i'm not copping out. when You're raising the dead in me. i am the second man. and you're raising these twenty four voices with twenty four hearts with all of my symphonies in twenty four parts. but i want to be one today. centered and true i'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. You're raising the dead in me. i want to see miracles, see the world change. wrestled the angel, for more than a name. for more than a feeling. for more than a cause. i'm not copping out.
switchfoot - 24
elegant song.

an hour was gained, 24 was lost.

think fast, act faster

have you ever wondered how fast you think? pay attention to yourself. how fast is it? like right now. i was noticing today how fast i was thinking. whoa. and especially when i'm under just a little pressure, they become much faster.

i demand a brain break

no seat on the subway during rush hour after several hours of RAing till 6:00
for several minutes i tried not to think...saying 'don't think of anything' just focus on something and don't think. didn't work. thinking about not thinking. how stupid. well that's the subway what it's like to be on the subway when tired and cramped.

speaking of thinking
i had to think fast during my presentation of my site analysis. didn't prepare at all what to say. i figured i knew the site well. so i made up my entire presentation on the spot hoping maybe i'd cover most things. turns out i didn't cover them all. one professor like interuppting my train of thought. it went well. i was able to speak of all the main points.

fast forward please

looking forward the extra hour on saturday...i think that's all i have to look forward to.

the play was really interesting and i was very excited to see a play, since i think it has been in high school since i've seen a play. so much archi jargon which totally perplexed and blew right passed me. i was so surprised how the actors can remember their lines of such complex vocabulary and saying their sentences in one long breath. definitely a surprise ending as i was warned before seeing it. shocking. it was about a korean architecture student being crit by three professors, the audience being the other students listening to the crit. the play for sure is really close to what i'm doing and what i will be doing. being crit, and defending myself the best i can with words. as my boss once put, they'll be shooting arrows and i'll be fending them off. hopefully they don't aim to kill.

i thought group work was an afterthought in fourth year, well at least bad groups. but i was wrong. horrible groupwork i must say haunts me today, well i believe it will be my last bad group for university. totally disorganized and i had no control over what was happening at all.

thesis site analysis due friday...!! ahhhhh...need to do booklet, presentation board, model, and massing design by friday...ahhhh...

here i am yawning.

heart mind soul

thank the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul.
thanks.

beauty in the broken

i got to go inside a creepy building today. a neo-classical building constructed 100 years ago which has been left vacant for 20 years. the building is part of my thesis site. the first responce was, 'whoa what is this place.' it looked like a dump. being vacant for so many years only makes sence because the building was in horrible shape. after my friend joined to help me take measurements of the building, each moment exploring felt like we were in some horror movie. it felt like something was about to pounce at every moment. i didn't know i needed a flashlight to explore the building, nor did the flashlight on the picnic table in the banking hall work. we were only able to travel into the spaces with natural light, most of the windows were boarded up. the agent told me that street people have been living inside a few years back and the walls have been marked and damaged significantly. it was definitely quite the memorable experience as an architecture student. quite the exciting trip.

the rest of the day dragged along.

tomorrow going see play among friends

sigh of relief

finally positive signs arising amongst many negative ones.
thesis is now about site analysis. it's all about the location.
i know that restoring a historic building will be extremely challenging, and building a new one in conjunction would prove even more difficult. surprisingly i was granted the privilege of entering the 100 year old neo-classical building led by one of the agents trying to sell it. then i would actually know what to preserve. and i found the student who worked on the same site now in michigan doing masters, who responded to me in one hour giving me advice and recommending books.

'all of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.' Pascal

how disappointing

i heard one week ago from a friend.
the day before thanksgiving on monday.
and now it has finally sank in.
'he just doesn't want to disappoint you.'
and it felt so true.
i never thought of it that way.
i'm sure many people live a life trying to appease others.

who wants to disappoint?
failing to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of others.
many times i do.

anyways, on a lighter note, i think i always write in a very serious and heavy tone. ay...

today as we waited for sunday school to start in the food court next door watching children's cartoons...they've adapted so much to the modern world.

'you can't make footprints in the sands of time sitting down.'

get up.