lines

comfy corner weekends...
blokus...
halifax!

the days of work in and out
is quickly beginning to lose it's buzz

as the drama of life
i try to keep at a minimum...

the heart rate monitor
suffers few beats

the occasional hiccup
of situations
becomes the excitement of a day

it's somewhat like
the calm before the storm

with nothing rushing at work
no persistent schedules
no meetings
no special upcoming holidays
nothing to celebrate

it's like life in a straight line
for now that is...

6 things

i have been tagged to write
5 things people don't know about me

1
today i left work an hour early
by left...i mean sneaked out
because there was a
'something winter blues party'
at 4:30 and it was to meet new people
i was one of the new people...
but ehhh...didn't stay...
because...
once i saw the slide projector
in the party room...
i fled and completely forgot that this was
to introduce me and others to the firm
and later found out from my coworker
after the 'party' was over
that my name was announced...
heads turned...
the person who sits next to me was asked
she shruged her shoulders and said
'i don't know where he is'

2
when i was a kid
i took singing lessons...

3
i took calculus twice
because i thought 80% was too low
and ended up getting 82%
the second time around...
i just needed the midterm grade of 92%
and the i just slacked off the rest...
what a waste of time

4
i am thinking hard
about a thesis topic...

5
i don't know how to use excel
i can't stand the program
and all the formulas...
sometimes i can't
even print what i want from excel files...
augh!

6
i seriously let
what i'm doing
take over my life
just like that
thus getting severely anxious
stressed...tense...

nps

if you haven't already...

VOTE ZEIDLER!!!

http://www.thestar.com/Generic/Article/183774

my blood...sweat...and tears...

thanks all...

not that the vote determines the winner...
it may influence the jury however...

my one month's work is in there somewhere...

so long

happy chinese new year
_______________________________________

it's been 4 weeks
of a church deprived life

work filled

_______________________________________

as things come to a slow down
it feels like a racing car breaking
in full stop at the sight of the red light
being thrown from the seat
and into the street

now it's time to let go
of the breaks again

as it seems like this past month
has whipped past
coming to this complete stop
seems so foreign

actually everything seems foreign
i'm not used to it

as things seemed better back then
and with the roads cold and icy
slippery conditions lie ahead

i'd like to laugh a little more
think a little less
more lighthearted needed
less analysis

_______________________________________

slouched down listening to new songs
i've listened to too much of the same music
over and over and over when i was working...

i went through all those europe pictures...

i haven't had this time in so long...

that's it

not an ounce of energy left.

it has brought a rollercoster of ups and downs
and
right now i don't want to work on it anymore...
i've put in all that i can...
it's up to the rest of them to pull it together now

that's all for now...

soon...
very soon...
i'll hopefully have a regular schedule
under control...

okay...
no more.

overwork

more about work
a lot of the times
i produce a lot of unused material
and i.e. that would be crap no?

seems like a lot of wasted time...
but i can convince myself that
sometimes even when things don't get used
in the end
they have helped to achieve the end result

i didn't get a weekend this past week
and in about a month
i've worked a 5 weeks worth of hours...

arrg...must sleep...
nite

my day off

with a whole lot of mixing up
days
weeks
thankfully not months...

the funny thing is calling my brother
on the day before his birthday
wishing him a happy birthday
thinking it really is his birthday
with him saying...it's not today.

and telling everybody that my ski trip happens
one week earlier than it really is...

finally i have a day off...
19 days straight...
back to work on sunday tomorrow...
i had to ask to have today off
or i would be presumed to be working...

what will make this worth it
is that if we win the competition...
i'm not sure the design is strong enough...
and when one starts doubting
there's trouble

^O^
big yawn
tired...

work consists of building models...
drawings...sketching...
eating out...
shopping...haha
smores pizza for breakfast
complimentry of some company
lunch and learn
doing things 'immediately'
up and down stairs
printing...a lot of printing
a lot of 'can i go now'
'is it lunch yet?'
please don't look for me at 5:30
to ask me to do more...

balance has been something
i've thrown out the window...
i'm absolutely off balance right now

and work is constantly infiltrating my mind
i've made it personal...
i've taken it home...
i've taken it everywhere...
and it has taken over me.
now i can't wait till the competition ends...
then i can have regular work...

then it's planning the trip to copenhagen!
which i'm somewhat in the midst...

sleep time.
well...after some apple pie...
and some page flipping...

days past

how fast people change
and the measures taken to
become somebody else

have you convinced yourself
that you are already better than you once were
have you forgotten who you were before
do you remember how you acted
towards the same person
1 month
3 months
6 months ago

do you remember what you cared for
who you talked with
what your goals were
what made your day

as i can't ask for more
of what i'm doing
where i'm going
i sometimes want to relive
the days past

week no end

hai...
i just found out that i'll be
working in the office this weekend
it wasn't a surprise...
though when you hear it
all your energy drops

i asked what time...
at least it doesn't start at 9:00...
11:00 is good enough for me

a walk in the park

physically and emotionally tired...

i don't know...

have you ever been a terrible person?
yet didn't realize it.
today i was one.

a kick in the head
returned a slap in the face

the foot had no intention
the hand slaped to hurt

the sting is there for both
it pains for the unknown

i have you lord
to accompany me in my misery
when i feel like dirt
lord you remind me
of all the good things
to be thankful for

be the best person you can be
everyday.
do what you can
everyday.

yet i'm a helpless idiot
verbally damaged...

pick up the pieces
walk back into the light

everyday new experiences
surprises caused by myself

_____________________________________________


i haven't laughed in a while
right now...
i can't even fake a smile...

it get's so dark that i can't see
every dark cloud
has a silver lining
i'm waiting for the sun to shine
i'll wait until the day i die

i'm tired of living in the shadows
but i'm not giving up on me
i can't worry about tomorrow
or what each new day is going to bring

_____________________________________________


working 7 days a week eh...
hai...
for the time being...
i dug the hole
i've got to crawl back out.
alive that is...

_____________________________________________


some days...
all your accomplishments mean nothing

_____________________________________________


i sat upon the roof
and stared the stars down
for a reason why
or something i can do
everything that mattered yesterday
so far now...

sleep gets just a little easier...

zzzzzeidler

not able to fall asleep every night
for the past week
too much stress?

my holidays have been over for a while now
it has been very devoid of architecture

work started on monday
didn't have too much to do yet
until today
which i volunteered myself
to work on a competition that
the firm has been shortlisted on

thankfully it will be paid...
probably less than normal...
but he said competitions are usually
volunteer unpaid work

i think it's because this competition
means a lot to the firms reputation in the city
and it's an important one to win

i'm very excited to be a part of it
yet...it can't be part of my
9-5:30 monday to friday work
it must be after 5:30 monday to friday
and weekends.

the goal is end of this month...
deadline is mid february
results early march.

well...my energy is wearing thin
and it's been an unorganized first week at work
though things won't be getting much better at the office
i will get to work on something challenging and interesting

it's good to be working
on one of the most happening streets in toronto
it helps bring life back after work is over
there's so much food and shops around
it's great.

i'm not enjoying the commute and the 9-5
just isn't bringing much joy
and weekends seem to be written off...
the reason for my delay in writing is that
i don't get much time to just sit around...

yea...1am...friday night...
time...
saturday work...augh...

i hope my team members pull through...
it's gonna be a rough one
and i have high hopes...

my regular work
the 9-5 weekday
is currently a nuclear power station redevelopment
masterplanning and etc...
new buildings such as admin...
storage...labs...visitors centre etc...
interesting because there is a
significant focus on sustainability and
attempt in conveying that nuclear energy is
an environmentally friendly resouce
this project will be more organized starting monday.

and there's a ski trip organized by my office
on feb 2nd...
i haven't even skied before...
i would like to snowboard...
whoohoo...skiing...

new coworkers...
alrite...must go to sleep...

06-07

happy new year

2 0 0 7

___________________________________________________

2006 was a fast year

sick of being sick
this time the cold has caught me

my new years resolution will
be to boost my immune system
and to be healthy

in my time of third rest
the thought that i should be learning something new
working on something
being productive
crossed my mind ample times
in which my weak mind responded
i simply can't

yet when i can
i've go full out and exhaust myself

___________________________________________________

2006 realizations

everybody has their own strife and struggle.

sadly i find out all the time
how many people are better...faster
i know...
we all have our gifts.

it's always disappointing to find out
ones who do less work who don't try as hard
to do better by other means

the world isn't fair is it.

i've realized my shallowness
and my need to hold back
from everybody.

i've realized that if i don't part with myself to others
others will not part themselves to me.

i've realized that if i believe in something
with everything i have
i can accomplish it.

i'm not willing to participate in conversation
in many situations.

i'm willing to go far.

that my heart is no stronger
than my strength to hold back a smile.

all i can

when you're on your own
when you're at a fork in the road
you don't know which way to go
there's too many signs and arrows

you haven't laughed in a while
when you can't even fake a smile
when you feel ashamed
the uniform don't make you brave

all i can do is
love you to pieces
give you a shoulder to cry
when you need it

when the day is long
and the night is coming down on you
when you forget your name
the pleasure can't disguise your pain
and you don't feel the same
i won't forget the love you made

what a lovely day to shape your dreams
and you don't even have to sleep
you can make it what you want to be

you can fly away
you can change your name
have a happy face
it can be so real

all i can do

chantel kreviazuk

meaningful

this christmas is really different
from the previous christmas years

no party organizing
no present buying
no big gatherings
no snow
no christmas tree
no cold weather
no christmas music playing

i began to think about chrismas a different way
to all those celebrating
there are many others
who don't
who can't
who won't

no invitations
no presents
nobody to give to

then what happens

what about doing something meaningful
what about talking about something worth your time
since returning to toronto
i've felt strongly
that it isn't about what we have
or how much of it
or who has this and who doesn't

i'll come back to this...

narration

'i can't do this all on my own
i'm no superman'

the theme song to scrubs

the show cracks me up.
it's a very down to earth show
and human in many ways.

i feel like i do the exact same thing as dr. dorian...
i narrate my life...

__________________________________________________


yesterday i got two christmas cards in the mail
the first one of the coolest cards i've seen
you turn this wheel and the snowflake becomes a star
at first i thought it was more of an advertisement
than a christmas card
then i opened to see that it was from my previous firm
with all their names signed all over

however
my name isn't on the card
and so the people signing the card
don't even know who the card goes out to
as the hundreds they sign
the only thought could be
how many more are there

the second one
honestly i wasn't so impressed
but words from a friend on the inside
make it much more meaningful than the first
it could just as well be a piece of paper with words
and it could well surpass the first

and then
taking a look at the back of the card
it says it was painted by mouth
by someone with disability

the irony
the first made by a large corporation
the second made for charity

__________________________________________________

everyday is made up of tests

some are tests of character
some are tests of fortitude
some are tests of friendship

it's the kid inside of us that keeps us from going crazy
it's the nervous laughter that keeps us sane
it's to help others to let us know we have a purpose
it's to let ourselves be helped so that we are reminded
we can't do everything on our own

christmas eh

still sitting at home
recovering recovering yet again.

a great chance to watch more tv

the christmas tree isn't up for the first time
can't go out to do christmas shopping...
then again
what is christmas really about eh

and that time to contact everybody
and stay in touch may just about fall through.

yea...well...
that's for me not knowing the meaning of rest

i passed another term
never want to come into contact
with that ridiculous course again

finally...my horrible headache is finally gone!
i hope it doesn't come back...
hot and cold hasn't hit me in the past 3 hours.
all i need now is energy.

again

arrr...
sick again...

sucks.

may i

sleep sleep sleep

it's that day of rest i've been wanting
yet i fill it up with multi tasking to death.

up the stairs down the stairs
inside going outside
pack
move
organize
lift
carry

i'm tired.
my throat is sore.
i feel like i'm gonna drop.

no more

no more please...
it comes the time again...
where pressures and stresses lead to bizzare happenings
you wonder why you're doing that
or you wonder how you're doing that

and then in the blink of an eye
it will all be over
and just go...
that wasn't so bad...

it's just the pain and agony right now
to finish

december is always the same isn't it
sort of want time just to slow down
rather than push forward

one thing after the next
as one event requires the next
as if one domino falls to push another

as if the stresses of life
need to come find me now
as if i were standing alone on a small island
with my arms stretched out
screaming pick me

somehow
some way
this is beyond me
and beyond my own comprehension

'in the evening
when the work of the day is done
and you have time to sit in the twilight
and watch the sinking sun
while the long bright day dies slowly
over the sea
and the hours grow quite and holy
with thoughts of me'

somehow
i know in my month off
lacking deadlines
and school...work pressures
i will fall into thoughts...

for now...
i will enjoy the lack thereof.

規勸

攔路雨偏似雪花 飲泣的你凍嗎
這風褸我給你磨到有襟花
連調了職也不怕 怎麼始終牽掛
苦心選中今天想車你回家
原諒我不再送花 傷口應要結疤
花辦鋪滿心裡墳場才害怕
如若你非我不嫁 彼此終必火化
一生一世等一天需要代價

誰都只得那雙手 靠擁抱亦難任你擁有
要擁有必先懂失去怎接受
曾沿著雪路浪遊 為何為好事淚流
誰能憑愛意要富士山私有
何不把悲哀感覺 假設是來自你虛構
試管裡找不到它染污眼眸
前塵硬化像石頭 隨緣地拋下便逃走
我絕不罕有 往街裡繞過一周
我便化烏有

情人節不要說穿 只敢撫你髮端
這種姿態可會令你更心酸
留在汽車裡取暖 應該怎麼規勸
怎麼可以將手腕忍痛劃損
人活到幾歲算短 失戀只有更短
歸家需要幾里路誰能預算
忘掉我跟你恩怨 櫻花開了幾轉
東京之旅一早比一世遙遠

你還嫌不夠
我把這陳年風褸
送贈你解咒

富士山下
eason chan

_______________________________________________

one week left...
hang in there...