overwhelmed

overwhelmed
...

...

...

by you
and by you
i mean me

why don't you just sleep more huh?

and flick off that switch
to stop thinking.

and no...
i don't have a better idea

you are too much for me.

sometimes words...


are simply unecessary.

time for some good old mind
numbing work
along with really really loud music

_____________________________________________

winter has finally reached halifax.

everything is cold.

zzz

accepted formalities
accepted ways
accepted methods

snores.....zzz....

university life

so much pizza in one day
ending with beer
and more pizza...
university life eh?

sounds about right...
the streets littered with
drunk students everywhere
people collapsed on lawns
being driven around with shopping carts

you wouldn't believe
what they do with shopping carts here

it's a whole mode of transportation in itself
they're everywhere

getting to know new people
is always great
and i'm getting to know quite a few

the weekend looks great
market tomoro
grab some great food

really balancing the work with the play

kj and i have very different modes of working
we are opposites in those terms

i must try to get everything done in one day
and he will not get much done in one day
though he says he will...ehem...ehem...
haha....very funny dynamics

he still does get his work done though
and i get mine as well...

a balance of the two polar
methods of working would be great

i think maybe it's time to sleep and stop writing
it's only 3am
or not...

had a great chat with a friend today.
very comforting.

okay...go to sleep...

maybe after i finish another reading...
nice...

higher still

some of life's storms
a great sorrow
a bitter disappointment
a crushing defeat
suddenly come upon us

trouble that can seem so insignificant
spreads until it covers the sky
and overwhelms us

yet it is in the storm
that god equips us for service

when god wants an oak tree
he plants it where the storms
will shake it
and the rains
will beat down on it

when god makes a person
he puts him into a storm

the history of humankind
has always been rough
and rugged

no one is complete
until he has been out into
the surge of the storm
and has found the glorious fulillment
of the prayer

take me
break me
make me

the beauties of nature come after the storm
the rugged beauty of the mountain
is born in the storm

and the heroes of life
are the storm swept
battle scarred

you have been in the storms
and swept by raging winds

have they left you broken
weary, and beaten in the valley
or have they lifted you
to the sunlit summits of a richer
deeper, more abiding person

have they left you with more sympathy
for the storm swept and the battle scarred

yes...they most definitely have...

___________________________________________

the wind that blows
can never kill

the tree god plants
it blows toward east
and then toward west

the tender leaves have little rest
but any wind that blows is best

the tree that god plants
strikes deeper root
grows higher still

tactile textile

building by the water
the project is to house any form of art
and the program is to be
entirely developed

i think i'm leaning toward
textiles for my art of choice

others have chosen
film...music...
i'm sure there will be painting...
sculpture...blah blah...
the clean arts...

i think i'll go with a clean art
textiles...
i never thought i would choose this type
until yesterday when i saw all of its
possibilities matching so well
with architecture

transparency
dyed
reflective
printed
sculpted
layered

since the process of the art
is to be related to the building
i think i have a good picture
of how the creation of textiles can help
evolve the building form
among many other aspects

it's tactility will
transform and inform
my design

food food food

i need chinese food!!!
ahhhhh!!

hungry...but no good food!!

enough with the chips!

bubble tea!
could use one now...
and some good noodles
and fried rice

stop thinking of food!

flake

i know she said it's alright
but you can make it up next time
i know she knows it's not right
there ain't no use in lying
maybe she thinks i know something
maybe maybe she thinks its fine
maybe she knows something i don't
i'm so
i'm so tired
i'm so tired of trying

it seems to me that maybe
it pretty much always means no
so don't tell me you might just let it go
and often times we're lazy
it seems to stand in my way
cause no one
no
not no one
likes to be let down

i know she loves the sunrise
no longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
and i know that when she said she's gonna try
well it might not work because of other ties and
i know she usually has some other ties
and i wouldn't want to break them
nah
i wouldn't want to break them
maybe she'll help me to untie this but
until then well

the harder that you try
the further you'll fall

__________________________________________

still upward be your onward course
for this i pray today
still upward as the years go by
and seasons pass away

still upward in this coming year
your path is all untried
still upward may you journey on
close by your saviour's side

still upward although sorrow come
and trials crush your heart
still upward may they draw your soul
with christ to walk apart

still upward till the day shall break
and shadows all have flown
still upward till in heaven you wake
and stand before the thrown

i will send down showers in season,
there will be showers of blessing.
ezekiel 34:26

desk part II

after two weeks already
this is what has become of my desk
where is the desk?
who knows

i now work with 2 computers
one is not enough...
or is it?

i'm going out of my mind...
i keep using the wrong keyboard
and the wrong mouse for each computer
it's driving me insane...haha

but it does make me work faster
faster faster faster...
multi-task so much better

other than that type of craziness
the weather out here has been
absolute madness
it's sunny and warm today

i think winter is over already
it was tough wasn't it?
haha
i'm talking to myself again

walked along the boardwalk of the city
on such a perfect day
because the new design studio project
is a waterfront building
very interesting

back to work...

small city living

yesterday was a walk across the entire city of halifax
it only took 10 minutes
haha...nono
maybe 40
it's a small scale city
and after all that walking
i'm getting to know the city well

i like it
the pace is slow
which i'm still getting used to
i'm still used to the toronto mentality
of rush
and hurry

it's great
it's a rare sight to see people in business suits
it's not as business minded here
and again
the people are friendly and sincere

i've been getting so much exercise lately
walking all over...
and climbing the stairs to the apartment
the elevator being replace

and i got my shipment of stuff from home today
haha...
carrying those 3 boxes home
killer experience...
up those 5 flights of stairs
total workout

the apartment is now almost complete
just missing maybe some shelving
and a coffee table
and we're done

home in 3 months
i think i only got one exam
so back for 3 weeks in april
very nice.

lessons in archi part 1

yesterday...
or should i say today...
i slept at 4am

because of the images above
this is not a 'building'
as our workshop professors
bml and sweetapple say

it's an exercise
not a building

we had 6 days to work on this exercise
understanding and designing
a 'building'

conjuring up a spectacular idea
then working it out

so the weekend i faced my computer
for the most part

then for entertainment
a new friend of mine drove
me and kj to walmart
bought more 'stuff'

nice apartment
flooded with sunlight
it's still not that cold over here

okay...
after being entertained at walmart
comes dinner
not too many people go out for dinner here
restaurants are not that full
or have no business at all
small city
not much nightlife

back to the apartment for more work
work work work till 4am...
not done yet though

the drawings
big stuff...proportions...balance...
unity...function...program....
form...circulation...structure
scale...services...parti
small stuff like lineweight
text...colour...

all that is to be kept in mind
then there's presentation
how should it look?
how big?
what should be bigger?
what's more important?
it's all a matter of communication.
drawing and if the drawing conveys
the message that you want
is it clear? consice?
is it repeated? confusing?

set my alarm clock for 8 am
because there's a class at 9

and needed to print the above
on a 24 x 36" at 8:30
in case something screws up
worked out fine
just costed more

then comes class...
only 10 people show up
because the rest either haven't slept
or still working on their projects
or both

i wasn't done yet
still had a model to finish by 4pm
a whole model of the 'building'

haven't eaten breakfast
no time...
no time gel hair...
just brush teeth and out the door
waking at 8 was difficult

but then kj just slept for 2 hours
i got 4

not bad.

get back from class around 10:30am
after buying some model building supplies
then model starts...

really tired at that point...
but got to endure...haha

so model got built by 3:15
i have lunch
and go pick up the prints
and walk to school
for pin up and critique

the 3 profs walk
around all the pinned up projects once first
then as a class
they commented on all of them individually
going around

studio is quite different here
more of a hand craft
than a computer craft

my comments on mine
i found very hilarious
they said all of my favorite architects
haha...
subconciously my work is similar
to these architects/firms

todd williams billie tsien
shim sutcliff architects
and my all time favorite
carlos scarpa

at first glance
they thought it was too complex
didn't understand it much

but then as they looked
they got more interested
even as one walked away
while the other one was still commenting
he replied back that it was getting
more interesting the more he looked at it

and that is exaclty what i want to achieve
i don't want my building to be
something glanced at for only 2 seconds
and commented on

i hope it takes a while longer
to appreciate.
and the longer you look
i hope the better and more intrigued you become

but still
this is only a 6 day project
very fun
and i'm beginning to definitely
develop my own style

succeed

what are you after
is success of importance

if you need to surrender something
let it be me
don't let me hinder

i hope you achieve your dream

when one day you succeed
i hope i'll be there
i'll be happy with you

everyone knows
that everyone has their goals

if i don't succeed
you don't have to be down with me.

lead actor

this is where i spend most of my day
brainstorming ideas...or not...

so much clutter
i definitely need a bigger desk...

sleepy...another early morning
group meeting
thanks to my group members

people don't seem as tense around here
about deadlines or projects...
or maybe i'm in my room too much to notice
haha...

cooked up another good meal today.
and watched another 3 episodes of family guy
hilarious

not missing home too much yet...
maybe because here it's as comfortable
and it does feel like home...

the weather seems the same
and as usual i would be in my 'office'
at home most of the time anyways...

it hasn't really felt like i've left

school is different
i don't know everybody i see
i don't know what they do
how they do it
how the archi school functions
what they expect
what to expect
i'm trying to work
to my own expectations

i need to catch some zzz's
or like today's meeting
i won't be saying much
and i'll be daydreaming
letting kj do all the talking

halifax is a nice city
slow pace
friendly atmosphere

where almost everybody
seems to nod and smile on the street
when you pass bye

like some really happy movie...
bright and cheery...
even though today
the clouds came back for a visit.

see the sun

you can't hide here any longer
you can't last here any longer

and yes they'll ask you where you've been
and you'll have to tell them again and again

and you probably don't want to hear
tomorrow's another day
well i promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pain's
the only way to happiness
and i promise you you'll see the sun again

come on take my hand
we're going for a walk
i know you can
you can wear anything as long as it's not black
please don't mourn forever
she's not coming back

do you remember telling me
you found the sweetest thing of all
you said one day this was worth dying for
so be thankful you knew her at all
but it's no more

and you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
well i promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
and i promise you you'll see the sun again

i'll leave the taxi waiting
but you turn and close the door
sit back down
where you were sitting
a little further than before
_________________________________________

sunny day in halifax
it only gets warmer here!
haha...

i wish i had less to do...

sleepy...

but gotta keep working...

halifax people are contagiously nice.
it's wrong not to be.

i hope these group projects turn out well.

and that this intense workshop doesn't kill me.

back to it.

here

share others burdens
and your own seem to become
much lighter

everything is working fine over here
in the east coast

it's what's inside i hope can pull through

wish it could be sunny
but that would be asking for a lot

there's already no snow or rain
for the first two days

complete utter exhaustion
was yesterday

and today no different
but better because the apartment is good

people are great

takes getting used to for sure

at least there's heat tonite in the apartment
yesterday was none

survived as usual
just tough
i know

a lot of work to do...
many thing still left to be figured out

and yes...first day
hit us with an intensive
studio project

thanks...
due in a week
thanks...

it better be good
i know

i look forward to working on this project
so much fun...
but need more rest and time to do it

safe and sound
i think it's gonna be good.

no traffic.
close to school.
close to food.
close to downtown.
yet so quiet.
no distractions except myself.

cooking again...haha
and i've never shopped so much ever in my life in one day

furnishing the apartment
and so many other things in it.

felt like i was on the amazing race
racing against the time the stores would close.

and we made it...
team effort.

good team.

goodnite.

regaining myself slowly but surely.

i'm ready

save the best for last they say

thanks o.
from the bottom of my heart.

those words inside
i will keep close

this is one of the best gifts i've ever received
it brings back so many good memories
good times

your scrapbook made me
laugh, smile, sad
gave me courage, confidence

you've reminded me of who i am
of what's important to me
and my dream.
where my strength comes from.
you hit me right on the spot.

the pictures you chose
are so perfect for the words you wrote

thanks to each one who contributed
to this gift
i will have with me
through my days.

rough times are inevitable.

i will remember...

how far you were willling to walk to get what you wanted

when things get windy to hang on tight
the storm will soon pass

to keep on dancing
to keep on fighting
to think outside the box
there is always another way
to eat, drink, and be merry

someone's load could be bigger than yours

don't sweat, cuz it's gross....haha

how much you're paying...don't waste it!
that you've been through a lot worse

not to give into stereotypes
this isn't a business

my dreams

to keep on climbing
don't give up

to get lots of rest
to take a break

not to be afraid to ask for a helping hand
to take a walk on the beach when the sun is setting

home is not that far away
each step you take forwards
bring you closer to the end

to pray

how happy your ideas and suggestions made people

not to be afraid to try new things
express your opinions

happiness is not that far behind
all the people who support you

your mentor
family
friends
and even baruch

your accomplishments
that i know george?

after 34 days
we are still friends

thanks for your words of wisdom.

v.c.
you'll always be our hommie!
- hahaha

d.c
think of ian
- haha...i hope not.

k.t
just torture k.j
- will do!

b.w
thinking about getting something done
only wastes time, so just do it.
- alrite...a little too much advertising...

w.c
look around and you will realize that nothing
is putting pressure on you except yourself
look outside and admire the beauty of nature
and it is still a wonderful world
- yup...it still is...i needed a reminder...

l.m
stress doesn't complete a project
so try to keep a calm head
and take it line by line
piece by piece
you will get it done
and remember crits are subjective
but just keep your conviction
and as long as you are learning
you will be fine
- i agree...thanks

and all the silient words
from others

...and remember
how happy you were at the end

it will all be worth it one day...

i will remember that this has made my leave
now i know...only such a short while
so much better.

thanks once again.

now i'm ready.

before i go

every 2 seconds...
everything i see...

my mind captures an image
and tries hard to save it.

augh...

because it will never be like this again...
i know.
______________________________________

happy new year

resolutions?

to accomplish less than i did in 2005
to go through less than i did in 2005
to think less than i did in 2005
2005 is way over quota.
______________________________________

sorry for my last entry.
there's much left out
and some parts should not have
been written without the rest.

______________________________________

i know i'll have plenty of time to write here
when i'm over there...

...i'll miss you.

arg...and i chose to play this song

sitting here staring at the wall
another lonely tear falls
i'm trying to write you this song
but i can hardly see the page at all

cause it's breaking my heart
when i look in your eyes
and i don't see me anymore

tell me that you still believe
that you still love me
the way i love you
if you took your love away from me
you know i would die

please pick up the phone
tell me i'm crazy
i got it all wrong
i don't know what i'm gonna do

cuz i'm not ready for goodbye...
______________________________________

i'm not ready...

...goodbye

______________________________________

my first entry...
already a horrible start to the new year

it's time

i wasn't able to sleep last night
so i decided to get up and write
this was written dec 16

a fairy tale is a fictious story
how come it never occurred to me

the one i will share
has broken hearts
mine shattered

i remember a text message i got long ago
it wrote
'don't cry because it happened, smile because it did'

again and again i feel i've left my heart
on the door of your house
the winds howling
and the snow falling

yet you stand inside not knowing
whether to answer the door

i see you through the window
and i know you see me
i wave
no answer
i shout
no answer
a heart that's given all it can
no answer

maybe she thinks i'm some thief
possibly robbing her of all she has
maybe i'm selling something she just doesn't need

friends outside say
let it go
the door won't open
yet i insist
yes it will
they say
you are far from deserving this
i say
am i?

i take my heart and begin to walk down the steps
but time and again
i go back
i'm called to leave and called to go back
stranded.
strangled.

you think carefully
plan strategically
each move is precise

you don't want me to go
yet you don't want me to stay

i don't have the key to the house
and now i think i've lost the keys to my own home

inside is warm and bright
and i wait here dark and cold

there's hope?
is there?

i've failed for trust
i've failed for respect
i've failed for empathy

i look inside again
and it looks colder by the day

she lights a dim candle
smiles
and continues with her own business
i watch the candle flicker in the night
from outside

i failed to see the sign on the door
it says
the owner will not open the door
try to stay warm

i find strength to turn around
and i failed to see
all of you
holding a candle
keeping me warm throughout

the surgury i had was painful
but there are other things that hurt more

i take a tylonol and try to sleep.

what i have said
and have written before

all holds true.

____________________________________________

well well well...
i'm slouched so far down on my seat
that i'll fall off any moment...

and so...
all my hope has led
to lessons learned
and one broken heart.

yea...broken alright
i was surprised at myself
crying in a public place
it's okay for me
for all you to know.

just glad that there weren't
too many people there.

but no...i couldn't hold it in
no matter how much i wanted to

something that i believe in
doesn't pull through
something i've put time and effort
into surmounting to nothing
but nothing

but it's not nothing
i've given
and i've gained

the good
the bad
who's right
who's wrong

it all doesn't matter so much
is it tough?
well sure it is
tougher than i thought?
that too.

probably because i didn't expect

i still know
that if it was
then it would have been
and if it isn't
then that's what it's meant to be

take away from it
not all is lost
learn
and i hope you learn

the moments
the time
the happy, sad, exictied, scared
worried, nervous, devasted, shocked,
lost, consumed
are all part of it.

if you've seen me sad
i think you're fortunate

and hey...
what could i expect
live and learn

jump in the fire
shine brighter

and so this year ends with
so much
i can't even use words.

few more days left...
what could happen

am i prepared to leave?
i'm prepared for anything

i'll pack my bags,
i'm leaving this place.

it's okay...i'll be okay...
really.*

hey...it's me.

*no...not really.

if i could

if you could go and change things
and make things better

the willingness to do it
is what it's all about.

slow down everyone
you're moving too fast

anymore

more than us
and we are them
but they don’t know
what’s in their hands
it’s more than you
and it’s more than
i but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if it’s love
at all
not anymore

more than he
more than she
they all sleep
but we just dream

more or less
means more for us
but it’s more
and everybody wants a hand
but i’m too busy holding up the world
to carry on
no not anymore

i wish that i
could fly fly fly away
and if i should fall
and you hear me call
would you stay
more than us
and we are them

but they don’t know
what’s in our heads
it’s more than you
and it’s more than i
but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if this is love
at all
not anymore
anymore
anymore
____________________________________________

merrychristmas