gettin better

as long as i can lord

i exhausted.

i go on.

endless road

this is a song that i've been listening to for a couple days...
beware: you may be saddened after reading...
and after listening to the song...you will
__________________________________________


the truth is tearing up my heart
i can't recognize this place
the endless road without a stop sign
can't even find a stranger this time

why am i
still holding back my tears
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seams a wonder
how we could be together

every time i ask
if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this...

i think...
i never will...

a crystal forming in the eye
mayebe this would be the last
the winding path down my face
till i begin to taste the bitterness inside

why am i
still holding back my tears
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seams a wonder
how we could be together

every time i ask
if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this...

i think...
i never will...

bittersweet

each night it's hard to fall asleep
every morning i wake up with unrest

nothing is wrong

and i don't think i could ask for more
____________________________________________

i wanted to translate some chinese lyrics onto here
but i don't think i have the right words

i know people come and go
and they don't come back
and i know i can only smile and watch them leave

i think about you some nights
but what can i do
even if i ran into you
would you be as happy as i am

best to you
yet another

if you could see me smiling

it's been a while
a whole week since i haven't written here

it's one of those days where i feel nothing can bring me down

it's been so good
i don't think i can use words to describe it

'i don't believe in 'good days' and 'bad days'
after reading the book called 'the discipline of grace'

everyday can be as good as the next one
if you can put it into perspective

my blessings today did not depend on my performance before
and everyday is a good one with the knowledge of being saved

you and me
are good enough for His grace

this year in the past months
if you've read anything from before
you might know that i hadn't been doing too well

going through change
diappointments
self-conciousness
led me to dispair

right now the things that cause me grief
don't bother me

what happened today?
what's happening today?
and how will this day end?

not just today
but recently
i have become very comfortable with
who i am
what i do
what i believe

case one of 'His grace'

i've recently reached out to a friend
who has been going through relational problems
which is quite serious in my mind
he told me he was going back to church because of this
but i knew his faith is weak
God put it in my heart to reach out
and i know what it feels like to be reached out to
'woah, somebody actually cares.'
such encouragement

as i have cried out to God
'what have i done for you'

He answered me repeatedly since i've asked
i now ask
'what more can i do?'

case two of 'His grace'

i haven't been doing really well spirutually
during this phase of changing churches

but someone has come along my way
and refreshed my relationship with God

case three of 'His grace'

i'll do 5 cases
too many to list all of them

if you look carefully in a day
there are most likely too many to list

today i talked to a friend i haven't talked to in months
and i couldn't imagine what i was saying was coming from me
i've learned so much this year
i've grown up plenty as well

he wasn't feeling well
and i understand where he's coming from
i told him whoever you are
whatever you do
is what God intended you to be
don't run away from yourself
there's a reason for it all
trust me

he told me that he'll find his way to God

i told him that it feels like i've found a long lost friend

case four of 'His grace'

it was hard to believe myself
i didn't go on an intended trip on sunday
doesn't mean i wasted away doing nothing =)

i went with my mom and an auntie who gambles
as her occupation to the mall
she's very lost in direction
and finds it hard to find 'good people' anymore
she's been disappointed far too many times

i asked my mom in the car to go to church
not only did she agree
but she asked auntie to go with her
after much convincing
they will both go to church with me
beginning october

please pray that this comes true
because i know it can fall through

case five of 'His grace'

today, in a long long time
we are gathered at home
to eat dinner

back together again

finally the client has left
and we can return back to 'normal'
no business was done
a lot of wasted time, evergy, and effort

i'm somewhat thankful for that
my dad has been arrogant
thinking he had this big deal going on
so things will slowly become
what it was like in the past

and they will live happily ever after

if you could see me smiling.

carry on without me

be the first to reach out
in thanking, forgiving, loving, learning, helping, mending

the first so many times
i don't want to reach

arm is tired, injured, strained, weak, frail
_______________________________________

would you know my name
if i saw you in heaven?
would it be the same
if i saw you in heaven?

i must be strong
and carry on,
'cause i know i don't belong
here in heaven.

would you hold my hand
if i saw you in heaven?
would you help me stand
if i saw you in heaven?

i'll find my way
through night and day
'cause i know i just can't stay
here in heaven

time can bring you down
time can bend your knees
time can break your heart
have you begging please, begging please

beyond the door
there's peace i'm sure,
and i know there'll be no more
tears in heaven.

would you know my name
if i saw you in heaven?
would it be the same
if i saw you in heaven?

i must be strong
and carry on
'cause i know i don't belong
here in heaven

eric clapton - tears in heaven

a simple yes
can make all the difference in the world

a world so big

it was a great day at church today
i missed church last week

i was looking forward to going today
i went to my tutors church
it was a great message
along with really friendly people
the friendliest greeting i've ever had

she introduced me to her friends
as her past student
and i tell them i'm still her student
- life long learning

we went for lunch and she came over after lunch
i've updated her and she's updated me on our respective lives

we have a lot in common although we have a large age gap
and i really enjoy her respect and knowledge
how she thinks about issues

she's someone i look to
on outlook in life

'believe in yourself
in your talents and skills
that have brought you
this special day

believe in yourself
in your God-given gifts
and your faith will help show
you the way

believe in yourself
and your own heart
will tell you the dreams and goals
to pursue

believe in yourself
you're someone unique
with no limit
to what you can do'

today the sermon got me most
when she talked about what we do for God
and that has been the question on my mind

she used the analogy of basketball
i've never shot a basket in myself

and she said the people even on the sidelines
are very important

again i was reminded
even for a few minutes a day,

to look at the sky
and how big the world is
and problems will melt away

thanks.

on the run

what's this inside me?

i don't know

a big jumble of stuff running through my head

i would like to write it all...but i can't
and if you ask why i can't say either

lately i've been confronted with a lot of problems

none of my own...

i have enough already running on the backburner

in a sense i'm learning a lot from other people
and in another way
i feel really bad

i felt really good when i helped
and you know what?
i am trying my best

and i was so glad when i was thanked
that my effort is appreciated
it means a lot

and then i remembered
people who've been shown kindness
are only then capable of doing the same
____________________________________________

where has my dad been?

augh...maybe i should be telling him instead...
but he's not around...
i haven't seen him for more than a week now
he's busy working on a big 'deal' with a client

busy going to casinos
i'd be happier if he told me he told me he got a new hobby
but i find out he's shooting guns for a hobby

i mean....
i don't know anymore

as the son am i supposed to reach out?
this is heavier than i can handle.
____________________________________________

it's the long weekend
i've gotta get my time organized

i need to know what i need to be doing
and yes...i'll be working on that portfolio

and yes...thanks for the push
____________________________________________

ever had a heart sinking moment?

i had one today.

byeee...
augh...
____________________________________________

i won't run away...

guess what

start all three parts with 'guess what?'
_____________________________________

i've finally picked colours for the portfolio!
that's a start
they look almost like the blog
except for the blue
they remind me of muji

also got the GRE book from a friend
i can now start reviewing my highschool knowledge!
_____________________________________

i'm well rested feeling great!
thanks for the weekend

these few days i'm much more at peace than before
_____________________________________

today it finally hit me!

no school for the first time in 18 years!
after labour day is a work day
not a school day

no homework
no grades
no gathering with friends
to discuss homework and grades













--------------------------------> thanks

lift

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

my head is spinning...

the whole day i kept repeating to myself
'look awake'
'get everything done'

by the end of the work day
i looked awake
and got everything done

after work
i felt i was about to collapse
light headed
heavy feet

i went to sleep, but couldn't
can't stand it when that happens

there's too much on my mind

when the world comes down hard
don't lift on your own

reaching deep

loaded with work tonite

i struggle to find the time
to make time for others

God has been very gracious

i make a call to my another one of my mentors
my teacher
it's her birthday today

there's this warm calm coming over me
she tells me she goes to church every sunday
and even to sunday school
enjoying it very much

what?
did i just hear that?
i did

it is a blessing to hear these stories

it is much more than a blessing when you hear them
when feeling like the smallest speck on the earth

'i hope you have a very happy birthday'
'it is because you called me'

23 cards

just as you are

heart of mine
why must you stray
from one so fair
you run away
and one more time you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame

heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and he's been there all along
watching for you down the road

so come home running
his arms are open wide
his name is Jesus
and he understands
he is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are

child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Saviour's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe
of righteousness

so come home running
just as you are

chris tomlin - come home running
________________________________________

thanks to all, thanks for everything.

i feel a little stupid.
or very.

thanks for proving me wrong.

it's me who needs to learn from all of you.

waiting for a dream

opened wounds?

many things on my mind
to troubled to express
to lost to think
to confused to convey

i gave myself 10 days
any better?
i trick myself to believe that it is
________________________________________

happy birthday?
i don't know if i'll be happy for this one

i'm at that age...
no material possession can make me happier

with age comes more knowledge
i don't want to know anymore
________________________________________

last week
i remember
i walked outside in the morning
i plugged in my mp3 player
and listened to the first three notes

and sank into the deepest pit
i've never felt that way before

it became worse on the subway
so many people
yet i couldn't hold it
they began to look
but i couldn't stop

i took out my pencil
and started writing

the music made it continue
_______________________________________

i know what you're going through
i won't be the one that lets go of you

when you come back down
if you land on your feet
i hope you find a way to make it back to me

i don't know if i'll make it to my feet
without a hand

everything stays in my mind
feeling in a daze on the ground
feels like it's gonna give
life's too hard to live anymore
think i've had enough things too tough
i'm out the door

falling down what you gonna do?
standing on the top of the world tonite
no one's looking back at you
stand tall
it's going to be just fine
i'm holding on today

i would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming

i would spend my nights sleeping
instead of daydreaming

only if i knew
i would have a sweet dream tonite

sweet dreams.

**

**thoughts closed for repair

ouch

my stomach is constantly gnawing away at me...

sadly i'll be seeing the doctor again today...so i gotta leave work early

my own diagnosis:
stomach ulcer

reason:
anti-inflammatory drugs, stress, and anxiety

symptoms:
gnawing, aching, burning, fatigue

treatment:
hopefully the doctor knows this time
_____________________________________________

my regular doctor is on holiday
i went to doctor that i think isn't great
i see him for 5 minutes, and i can leave
he said it's not what i diagnosed
probably something else

getting xrays next week

i'm alright...

maybe i'm not...
but ah well.

i guess when the 31 days are up...
i can't ask for more?
it was a really great 31 days
thanks.

maybe i'm dreaming
it's a nice dream though
maybe i'll wake up.

here

so much beauty in life
shining on the outside
empty on the inside
i get lost sometimes
blinded by the flashing lights
distractions always in my eyes

so i'm following the sound,
the sound of my heart

you can take it all away
i don't need it
underneath
i'll still be the same

coming in with nothing, leaving with the same
it's all inside
coming in with nothing, the only thing that saves
is here inside

ryan cabrera - take it all away
_________________________________________


6 years...i cried
6 years...

what have i done in these 6 years
i felt a little more than useless
a little more than shameful
a little more than sad

'you've accomplished nothing and you haven't amounted to much'

nobody i can open to
nobody i can talk to

the bridges i form
i break all on my own

nothing to fall back on
nobody to fall back on

i know i am where i am
because you want me to be here

you have my heart

you have my heart 
and i am yours forever
you are my strength
God of grace and power

and everything you hold in your hand
still you make time for me
i can’t understand
praise you God of earth and sky
how beautiful is your unfailing love
unfailing love

and you never change God you remain
the Holy One
my unfailing love
unfailing love

you are my rock
the one i hold on to
you are my song
and i sing for you

still you make time for me
i can't understand
______________________________________

after a long day of work
i didn't want to go home yet
so i walked around the mall
getting some B vitamins

on the crowded subway home
i ran into someone from church

i was really happy to see her
because i haven't talked to her in a long time
her husband and kids have moved and changed churches

how much God has blessed her life
i could see it in the way she told me today
in the short thirty minute ride

her husband has been studying to become a pastor
a major decision to make

no regrets
no resentment
no bitterness
just following
just trusting
just relying

because of her husbands calling
she has been carrying the family's finances
she works long hours
and she spends less time with her family
they have had to move
the children had to switch
from private to public school

i told her a little about myself

she reminded me to be thankful
to know that God is in control

listening to others often helps
put my own life into perspective

=)

found you.