lessons learned | battles continue

as i just remembered a couple moments ago
march 29
the day of march 29
when all of my world
seemed to crash before me last year

i wrote in one year i would have a response
to what i've written that day
funny thing is...
i've forgotten all about it till today
i think it means something
looking back at it...

i can't believe how much has happened since
a year after 03.29.05

praise to be
the one above
for all i've gained since
a lifetime prayer that
continues to be answered
everyday.

slowly
the big picture
is pieced together
in my head
it has been a long lesson
one that took a year perhaps

as i've learned one
important
important
important thing

there is a plan.
believe in it.
know that you're walking it.
and know that each step
is the step that's meant to be
right or wrong
good or bad
postive or negative
happy or sorrowful
don't fight it.

as another battle begins...
a different one
i wonder how long
it will take to win.

as time persists

as time persists
i grow weary of endless cares

as time perpetuates
distractions keep me afloat

as time propels
i know each step taken is the last

as time continues
i convince myself so much is wasted
as if i did not care
as if they were not there

as time lingers
i again wonder and wonder
bombarded by the same questions
over and again

as i look in front of me
it reads in big bold letters
'the harder the climb the better shape you will be in'
'don't give up'
'you're almost there'

as my friend and i
in an architectural conversation
is the process more important than the final product
or does the quality final product matter more

we both argued for the final product
no matter the process
it is the end that matters
no matter how it is achieved
as long as it is

i could lie awake for hours at night
but i would never allow myself to
because i know
time continues to persist
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'the fact that chomsky unhesitatingly postulates
a mental scpace endowed with specific properties -
with orientations and symmetries.
he completely ignores the yawing gap that
separates this linguistic mental space from that social
space wherein language becomes practice.
meaning presents itself as the legal authority
to interchange signified elements along a single
horizontal chain, within the confines of a coherent
system regulated and calculated in advance.'

i have no idea what i'm reading...aaar

amidst a dream

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unbelievable

i don't know where to begin...
on one of the highlights of my academic journey today
it was all very unexpected...

i have the internationally known architect
for my design studio course

and to me...
it's like tom hanks
teaching me how to act

or jack johnson
teaching me how to play the guitar
hahaha...

going on our design fieldtrip to the site
of our metal foundry museum...
first of all...
it was such an amazing experience
seeing metal being formed created
steaming hot liquid metal
being poured into moulds

and then touring the rest of the foundry
seeing all the history...
the thousands of old moulds carved out of wood
formed in sand

then...our prof...the architect...
needs to go to his infamous and internationally
known projects called 'ghost'
where he organizes every year
a design build project
with a group of 20 people across the globe
and asks if we want to go visit

yea...definitely go...
have to pay $5000 to participate in this two week ghost project...
only one student in our whole program gets to go...
and that one student is fully sponsored
i'm going to apply...
so we go to this amazing site of the ghost projects...
the landscape undescribable
the fog just moving in...
see the well crafted projects
...so good...

he teaches so well
knows so much
down to earth
friendly
i was purely in awe of the buildings
that him and his firm has put together

then as we head back on our 2 hour drive back to halifax
my roomate, another, and i go back in his car
and talk...
and talk...
learn and learn more
haha...
and he took us to other housing projects he had in the city
then again i was left in shock
at the well designed and detailed projects
and with him explaining them
with such passion and conviction made it
just that much better.

definitely a highlight in my educational experience
unbelievable.

pictures to be posted soon!

fun fun

back at school again
masters...
class sizes of nine and under
one of them i'm in a class of 4...
haha...must stay awake...
can't fall asleep in a class of 4

went to play badminton
and basketball the first day back to halifax
and then again today...
haven't sweat so much in such a long time...

the adjustment here is easy
there isn't much

working on a national competition for social housing...
working on publication submissions...
working on cover design competition for the publication...
all is going well

not too much work for the first week
grades don't matter
it's A, B, or fail...

the good thing here is
that i don't mull around
and in constant contact with people
and my project, competition, work

my chinese geneology dictionary arrived
4000 characters to learn...and pronounce in manderin
so the journey begins...

i have a whole stack of books waiting to be read
mostly architecture...

as i continue to realize and discover how architecture
is integrally about connections...
who you know

need to go to lunenberg tomorrow
because our studio design site is in that city...
visiting the metal foundry
designing a museum for all the castings
fun fun

courage

i was asked yesterday
if i wanted to live happily ever after...

i thought about...
and some more

and now...
perhaps
i'm thinking no
i don't

more and more i think about how i want to live
what i want to accomplish
and what it takes to accomplish it
even if
it means giving up a happily ever after
i think i'm willing
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one last night of fun and games
in my home town

summary of my 20 days back at home
going out too much...
not enough time for myself
that's what it's always like here
going out
meeting people
doing things
scheduling scheduling...and more scheduling...

whatever's left in the schedule
is my own time...
which is now...during 2am...3am...
i haven't had much sleep
nor am i in a working mode at this time of day

the table littered with all
that i know will be cleared in 2 more days

family has been more than awsome
likewise for friends
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i would never undo the past
that made me
even when the memories hurt
it would only make me feel worse
if i were to run away
time flies and wipes away
all my regrets

with courage in my name
it's time to for me to live up to it.

while it lasts

tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming up tails
heads on a silence apart

nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part
no one ever said it would be this hard

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of silence
silence and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

nobody said it was easy

the scientist - coldplay
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3 days left...
arrrarrrrrrrrrr

this time around i think i
saw everybody i needed to see
did everything i needed to do
ate everything i needed to eat
completly overextended my bubble tea quota
once everyday is too much...haha

i haven't
slept as much as i needed to sleep
worked as much as i need to work
read as much as i need to read
who cares...

this summer back in halifax
i know will be filled with great times
back to the healthy lifestyle...

glad i get to come home often
or else my restlessness wouldn't end...
not that it has...haha...

back to the good ol' quiet town

chinese

though no school...no work...
there's still plenty to get done

trying to keep one whole day to myself
before i leave again back to the east coast
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had another great day walking through the city

and now...
now i'm trying hard to learn to read chinese
please help me...
i just ordered a book...
a chinese dictionary used to learn chinese
i hope it works

right now i'm memorizing some characters
trying to build my vocabulary knowledge as fast as i can

and also trying hard to build on my conversational manderin
i'm workin on it...

i really want to work in china
a great excuse to see east asia...
can't wait!

the work terms would
then allow me to learn to read chinese
learn to speak and understand manderin
and travel all over...
sounds too good

live on

blocked from all sides

plauged by restlessness
____________________________________________

things never happen like i wish they could
only in my dreams
i've never been willing to give up my heart
or let myself believe
but i have been waiting all of my life
and this time i'm hoping
holding out for you
to let me see the light

make me a believer for once in my life
right here and now
touch me somehow
i'm down on my knees
i don't know how but i'm ready to see
clear every shadow of doubt in my mind
because i want to believe
____________________________________________

spent an afternoon feeling sorry for myself
...whenever i have nothing to do
i sort of go into this state...
from solid to liquid to vapour

i was lifted after
returning to my fellowship
whom i haven't seen in four months
very glad to catch up with all of them
sort of forget of all my own
small and huge dilemmas

but come on...
what have i to fret...?

haha...so much...so much...
laughter covers pain
as a bandage to a wound
or as white out to mistakes

if only i could always remain laughing
...though not the way it's meant to be

i don't want the present to persist
and i don't want to relive my past
and i want to see the future as already over

i live to suffice your expectations
i try to make you feel better
i give to fulfill your needs

i need...i need
to live for a little more for myself...?

one part says yes
the other part says i haven't done enough...
or anything at all

eason chan

good seats...good times...
so glad that it's when i'm back in the city
ears are still ringing...

superb concert mr eason chan!
and mr lam chi cheung!

sore feet

another day in the great t-dot
went around handing out resumes
went back to the food place i would always go
for lunch during work
food so good

visited my past firm to catch up on the progress
and i wondered if i would ever go back there to work
i doubted that i would

looking to aim higher
and aim for more design opportunity

after wandering all over downtown
and taking my friend on a rye tour
had dinner in korean town

i think i'd like working again in this city
and not travelling somewhere else
not sure yet...

no hw to do...no work to do...
and waking up naturally in the morning
is one of the best things in the world...

in the city

AGO transfomation model by frank gehry

a building on sticks aka a cow on stilts by will alsop

ROM transformation by daniel libeskind aka crystal or gem
or aka eyesore...can't wait till this is done

to get into jap restaurant you must do this to the door handle
haha...too funny...had to take pic

on the menu...i didn't know that calamari had legs
maybe only the sexy kind...

started the day off with a trip to the AGO undergoing transformation
then into and through OCAD
then to the sandwich box to have a
portobello mushroom...bocconcini...smoked salmon focaccia
then walked along queen west
then through the eaton centre
then along yonge
into ryerson campus and through the archi building
then to yorkville
then passed the ROM undergoing transformation
then bloor street shopping
then more queen west
topped off with great authentic japanese cuisine

a great day to be in toronto

ends with a bang

did i write tomorrow?
i meant on tuesday the 11th of april
1:00am
haha

officially done
and ended the term with best day in halifax
thanks to jeb
got a chance to visit the best cove on the planet
peggy's cove

then to mahone bay
and then to lunenberg
couldn't have asked for a better day to go
no overly eager tourists everywhere

there was a great joy in handing in the portfolio
a letting go of a term
a way of summerizing
all that i've accomplished for 3 months
yea...it's only 3 month terms
for architecture students here
4 months for the rest

all the things i've done in these three months
have made me realize god's grace
in bringing me to this city
greatful for the people i've met at church here
here for his purpose
and really
who would have thought i would have
my first barbeque of the year in halifax
to kick start the barbequing
thanks again jeb

a much appreciated thanks to the drivers too

this weekend is one great way
of leaving the city and wanting to come back
very soon
with summer on its way

whats great is
that i'm doing all the things i want to in a day
i even forget the great food back at home
haha

food isn't even an issue
friends have cooked such great meals
and all the restaurants here are new to me
and great company makes the food all that much better
even when talking about the great food elsewhere...
didn't matter so much...
maybe because i'm having it tomorrow?
haha

i haven't done so much exercise in a month before
all the jogging and badminton
gives me all the more
excuse to eat more junk food and grease

i'd like another week here to enjoy
the end of term break
back home...looking forward to it
my bed...
and my brother's new home

halifax

this post is dedicated to
the greatness of halifax
all that i wanted home to be
lives in halifax

more tomorrow.
it's 4am...!!!

no doubt

i will not doubt though all my ships at sea
come drifting home with broken masts and sails
i will believe the hand that never fails
from seeming evil works to good for me
and though i weep because those sails are tattered
still i will cry while my best hope lies shattered
i trust in thee

i will not doubt though all my prayers return
unanswered from the still white realm above
i will believe it is an all wise love
that has refused these things for which i yearn
and though at times i cannot keep from griving
yet the pure passion of my fixed believing
undimmed will burn

i will not doubt though sorrows fall like rain
and troubles swarm like bees about a hive
i will believe the heights for which i strive
are only reached by anguish and pain
and though i groan and writhe beneath my crosses
yet i will see through my severest losses
the greater gain

i will not doubt anchored is this faith
like some staunch ship my soul braves every gale
so strong its courage that will not fail
to face the mighty unknown sea of death
may i cry though body leaves the spirit
i do not doubt so listening worlds may hear it
with my last breath

and then i was reminded
not to despair
because

how can others be helped
when you can't even help yourself

liberation

when writing history/theory paper

most critical diagram of my project as my critics say

building systems final project presentation...so much work...

_________________________________________________

it's great to have non architectural things to do...
finally...

pay it forward

sore purple fingers
hands and legs shaking
hungry till not anymore
groggy till not anymore

breakfast lunch and dinner 8:30 dls time

it all has to happen at the same time
2 project submissions on a sunday
dls
elevator doesn't work
cutting till i couldn't cut anymore
rulers everywhere
paper
model materials
an architectural explosion

haha...enough of that
i made it

all that's left to do is
a presentation/crit tomorrow
and a portfolio by the 10th

today definitely didn't seem like a sunday
nor did i have a weekend
it feels like it should be the weekend starting tomorrow
i vaugely remember what i did the last two days

talking to people at school is hilarious
nobody has eaten...
nobody has really slept...
we talk to each other
not knowing what we're saying...
and respond with the same
blank faces all across the board
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pay it forward
ever watch the movie?
if not
rent it
awsome message

make a difference in the world

quiet town

i know somewhere there is a party going down
interesting people
conversation to be found

i've lived in cities where there is no solitude
made some friends here that i hope i never lose
and for now
i want to stay in this quiet town

sometimes i miss the show
but come saturday morning
theres a market on the square
its a lazy afternoon
content with thinking that there is nothing to do

in this quiet town

you know best

pancakes
bring back
good memories
dad telling me when
they're ready to be flipped

only when you see the bubbles
start to form
_________________________________________

after planting the tree
he prayed to the lord
'lord, my tree needs rain
so its tender roots may drink and grow
send gentle shower'
and the lord sent showers

'lord, my tree needs sun
please send it sun'
and the sun shone
sending the dripping clouds away

'now send frost dear lord
to strengthen its branches'
he cried
and soon the tree
was covered in sparkling frost
but by evening it had died

he sought out a friend
and told what happened

the friend said
'i have also planted a little tree
see how it is thriving
i entrust my tree to the lord
he who made it knows
better than a man like me
what it needs
i only prayed
lord sent what it needs
whether it be
a storm, sunshine, wind, rain, or frost
you made it, you know best what it needs'

the humanist in me

watching the series china rises on cbc newsworld
i'm inspired
then again
as i watch the dispair of the millions
if not billions of people
going hungry
while i sit here eating
as i just peeked in my bowl
to see the uneaten rice
i cannot but feel the need to do something
uneasy and puzzled by what i see
i sit here to watch others
who dedicate their lives to making
other lives just that much better

makes what i'm doing now
seem nothing but frivolous

reading about humanism
watching humanism
and then writing humanism
i believe there exists a humanist in me
looking for others

yet not knowing how
or maybe it isn't not knowing how
maybe it's the conflict of a mindset
i have one thing i need to do
but it would mean i need
to leave the other behind

somehow i wish it was easy
to leave the other behind
then i would just go
and do what needs to be done

fortunate to even care
about so many other things
than going hungry

just mind boggling
and i need to do something about it
whether it be soon or in years
but i will.

eagarly i wait

thouroughly enjoying spinning circles in my chair
haha
the joys of procrastination
______________________________________________'

if heaven is the only time we would ever meet
i wait eagerly for that day

longing is like
seeing but never able to touch
yearning to speak
but remaining mute

continuing my gaze and enduring the silience

house of zombies

this is the model for the project
a building for the faculty
of environmental studies

quite the different breed
it's like a zombie house in the archi building
house of the living dead?

everybody seems edgy
careful what you say
how you say it

you just might be the one
who snaps those elastic bands
we call architecture students

all the group projects are now over
i'm very glad
feelin a bit dizzy now
from over work
and probably too much wine and nachos
also elated from the release
of this drudging project
that never seemed to end

and it never ends
can always do more
and do it better
always work to the last minute

and in the end
it turned out to be a fun group to be in
the most entertaining of all groups in our class
we've created so many inside jokes...haha

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friend just told me i'm a groomsman!
haha
cool

friends getting married
blows my mind

and me?
hahaha

first i have to be
best man in june
_______________________________________________


i can't believe i have to do one of these again
another thesis
give me a break
i just did one last year

just looking at my friends thesis project
in the crit space makes me wonder
do i really want to go through
all the pain, suffering, and agony again

and simply
the answer is
bring it on...
a tired enthusiam

now i have to charge up
to push another paper out
in how about 3 days
and finsh the studio design project
and i'm good

sample article titles i have to read include

the paradox of parks:
universal landscapes in the local community

mind in matter:
an introduction to material culture theory and method

i'm learning

still not done

in a very
stressful and angst state
becoming very
obsessive compulsive
not looking at the big picture

and the time typing this
seems to be the only break
other than eating

i really want to take the night off
doing nothing
reading or something else
________________________________________________

it caught up on me yesterday
not getting enough sleep

i now realize why it's bad to work
and sleep in the same room
meaning having a desk
and bed in the same room

fell asleep twice
when i flopped onto bed
in exhaustion
and each time i fell asleep
i was dreaming

game plan
this is what we do in archi
for a building systems class

calculations need to be finalized

ground source heating system

plan 2 landscaped areas **needed for plans to be plotted for final report

elevations finalized (needs coordination with model)

daylight study (size to be confirmed) section perspective

climate and program

site model massing

1:100 model

duct calculation

energy calculations

water calculations

materials and selections

entire building systems diagram

specifications of components and materials

write why systems were chose over others (ie passive over wind and solar)

write why building is beautiful how systems work together

put everything onto template

case studies to be submitted

embodied energy, toxicity blah blah

3D renderings of building

site strategy and site plan

ground source diagram

sadly my name appears beside more than
several of these categories
some are done though!

desperado

wahaha
the package i got two days ago
whoohooooo
food

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desperado
why don't you come to your senses
you've been riding fences
for so long now
you're a hard one

i know you got your reasons
these things that are pleasing you
can hurt you somehow

don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
she'll beat you as she's able
you know the queen of hearts
is always your best bet

now it seems to me
some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the ones that you can't get

desperado
you ain't getting no yonger
your pain and your hunger
they're driving you home
and freedom
freedom
well that's just some people talking
your prison is walking
through this world all alone

don't your feet get cold in the winter time
the sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the night time from the day
you're losing all your highs and lows
ain't it funny how the feeling goes away

plexi fun

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bendable plexi recipe

1 sheet of plexi glass
1 sheet of 11x17 bond paper

in a fying pan
lay down the sheet bond paper
on a low heat
then place sheet of plexi glass on top
allow the plexi to simmer for 5 minutes

take off the plexi with a spatula or something
and wear some gloves
bend and mould
the plexi to a desired shape and form
enjoy
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crits are like battlefields
shoot or be shot
don't shoot and still be shot
be shot and die
in any way
inevitably shots will always be fired
defend yourself or die
go equipped with armour
and predict the shots
that will be fired

real life

my dad
can't understand him
it's like i have a teenage son
that throws tantrums
and i don't know how to deal with it

sadly real life
doesn't stop with sitcom endings
this is real life
and in real life there
are situations that take time
it's not always a lesson learned
and a happy ending at the end
of 30 minutes

as is this case

coming back to halifax
everything seemed fine at home
until i received a distress call from my brother

the sky seems to always be falling
for him

my dad becoming edgy
and he's not like that
usually very easy going
and joking around
something is up
doesn't let anybody know

as the story goes
every family has their problems

i hope they can take care of themselves

you have the same traits as your parents
the way you work
the way you talk
the way you treat others
the way you cook
the way you eat
the way you move
the way you think
reflects also who your parents are

though i would like to say
that i only take the good
and not the bad
it's not true
but what is bad
i know not to do

too tired to talk
too busy to take any time
i'm just plain against it

now i hope my dad
can come to his senses
i know he's under tremendous pressure
of sorts
i hope he can deal with it

on my way

rain won't catch you
and the wind won't blow
where you're going
no one knows
it's alright now

clouds are forming
in a neon sky
you wonder how
you wonder why

if we knew the end
would we start at all
see the pride
before the fall

it's over now

we can't break up
what we can't break down
life can sometimes
spin you around

the world will always
turn beneth our feet

there's a hole in your heart
where the rain gets in
so you pull up the collar
and you start again

it's all right now
there is no right
there is no wrong

you live your life
keep moving on
i'm on my way

ids

don't know what these are
look really good in picture though...

sleek faucet

designed by friend
really good stool
it's worth not sleeping a few days

joy stick faucet

a crack in the table
don't know the use of the crack
but it's cracked very well
good design

my picks at the interior design show 2006

pressed

pressed on every side
but not crushed

perplexed
but not in dispair

persecuted
but not abandoned

struck down
but not destroyed

2 corinthians 4: 8-9
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it puzzles me
but you understand
and will one day explain

you have fenced up my ways
made my paths crooked
to keep my wandering eyes
fixed on you

to make me what i was not
humble and patient

to draw my heart
from earthly love
to you

so i will thank you
for this puzzle
and trust where i cannot understand
rejoicing that you know
i'm worth such testing
i cling closer
to your guiding hand

________________________________________

is there one day
it isn't sunny in halifax?

this is the best winter ever
in all my life

getting sick of
doing school work
i want to do other things

second best

i root for second best
i support the dark horse
it’s always better that way
isn’t it?

is it the humility i seek
for myself
or in hope for others

_____________________________________________

couldn’t help but laugh
at our group discussion
for design session

as one student mentions
that someone could potentially
get ripped for a particular issue

it was responded with
the professor saying
‘you never know what
you’ll get ripped up for’

and then
‘the more work you do
the more criticism you will get’

and the key is to do
plenty of work
haha…
architecture is great

and today’s discussion
led to the fact that
people do computer drawings
then draw them by hand
seemingly a backwards process

the hand craft
is still believed
to impress

a balance of computer
and hand
and drawings with models
is crucial

and commonly
and clichéd phrases
in architecture crits

push it futher.
take it to the next level.
continue to develop it.
blah blah blah...

bring them back

breaks me to see the devil at work
breaks me to see people
friends
going about their ways

defending only what is made up by themselves
living in a world of deceit
on a misled path
so far it seems impossible to bring them back

made up only by themselves
they find their own reasons
to support their cause
their reason to live

it stumbles me why
it can be so easy

the devil has tricks
the lord works miricles
bring them back

be still

there are some days
i can't wait for the next
for one day to stop
and the next to begin

today
i am asked to be patient
this is one of my hardest tasks

'be still before the lord and wait patiently for him'
psalm 37:7

patience
eliminates worry
the lord said he would come
and his promise is equal
to his presence

patience
elminates weeping
why feel sad and discouraged
he knows your needs
better than you do

patience
eliminates want
perhaps your desire
to receive what you want
is stronger than your desire
for the will of god
to be fulfilled

patience
eliminates weakness
instead of thinking
of waiting as wasted time
realize that god is preparing
his resources and
strengthening you as well
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hold steady when the fires burn
when inner lessons come to learn
and from this path there seems no turn
let patience have its perfect work

_______________________________________________

i don't know if i am
a relatively patient person

right now
i long for this term to be over
and for it to be summer

my rant of now now now
brings nothing
but more angst
that i don't have
and that hasn't occurred

once again

would a friend of mine please help me
translate the chinese lyrics to english
located in a picture below

that would be great
because i don't get all of the lyrics
___________________________________________

a broken conversation
with no response

my friend
he doesn't want to talk

leaving once
is more than enough
wouldn't you say?
it's plenty

i don't want to
deal with it
once again
___________________________________________

a child of god was once overwhelmed
by the number of afflictions
that seemed to target him

as he walked past a vinyard
during the rich glow of autumn
he noticed its untrimmed appearance
and the abundance of leaves
still on the vines

the ground had been
overtaken by a tangle
of weeds and grass

while he pondered the sight
the heavenly gardener whispered
a precious message to him

my dear child
are you questioning
the number of trials
in your life?

remember the vinyard
and learn from it

the gardener stops
pruning and trimming
the vine only when
he expects nothing more
from the vine during that season

he leaves it alone
because its fruitfullness is gone
and further effort would yield
no profit

freedom from suffering
leads to uselessness

do you want me
to stop pruning your life?
shall i leave you alone?
___________________________________________

why must i
time and again
question the trials
in my life?

i want to know
i want to understand

keep pruning
if you must
i will grow
only stronger
for your sake.