higher still

some of life's storms
a great sorrow
a bitter disappointment
a crushing defeat
suddenly come upon us

trouble that can seem so insignificant
spreads until it covers the sky
and overwhelms us

yet it is in the storm
that god equips us for service

when god wants an oak tree
he plants it where the storms
will shake it
and the rains
will beat down on it

when god makes a person
he puts him into a storm

the history of humankind
has always been rough
and rugged

no one is complete
until he has been out into
the surge of the storm
and has found the glorious fulillment
of the prayer

take me
break me
make me

the beauties of nature come after the storm
the rugged beauty of the mountain
is born in the storm

and the heroes of life
are the storm swept
battle scarred

you have been in the storms
and swept by raging winds

have they left you broken
weary, and beaten in the valley
or have they lifted you
to the sunlit summits of a richer
deeper, more abiding person

have they left you with more sympathy
for the storm swept and the battle scarred

yes...they most definitely have...

___________________________________________

the wind that blows
can never kill

the tree god plants
it blows toward east
and then toward west

the tender leaves have little rest
but any wind that blows is best

the tree that god plants
strikes deeper root
grows higher still

tactile textile

building by the water
the project is to house any form of art
and the program is to be
entirely developed

i think i'm leaning toward
textiles for my art of choice

others have chosen
film...music...
i'm sure there will be painting...
sculpture...blah blah...
the clean arts...

i think i'll go with a clean art
textiles...
i never thought i would choose this type
until yesterday when i saw all of its
possibilities matching so well
with architecture

transparency
dyed
reflective
printed
sculpted
layered

since the process of the art
is to be related to the building
i think i have a good picture
of how the creation of textiles can help
evolve the building form
among many other aspects

it's tactility will
transform and inform
my design

food food food

i need chinese food!!!
ahhhhh!!

hungry...but no good food!!

enough with the chips!

bubble tea!
could use one now...
and some good noodles
and fried rice

stop thinking of food!

flake

i know she said it's alright
but you can make it up next time
i know she knows it's not right
there ain't no use in lying
maybe she thinks i know something
maybe maybe she thinks its fine
maybe she knows something i don't
i'm so
i'm so tired
i'm so tired of trying

it seems to me that maybe
it pretty much always means no
so don't tell me you might just let it go
and often times we're lazy
it seems to stand in my way
cause no one
no
not no one
likes to be let down

i know she loves the sunrise
no longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
and i know that when she said she's gonna try
well it might not work because of other ties and
i know she usually has some other ties
and i wouldn't want to break them
nah
i wouldn't want to break them
maybe she'll help me to untie this but
until then well

the harder that you try
the further you'll fall

__________________________________________

still upward be your onward course
for this i pray today
still upward as the years go by
and seasons pass away

still upward in this coming year
your path is all untried
still upward may you journey on
close by your saviour's side

still upward although sorrow come
and trials crush your heart
still upward may they draw your soul
with christ to walk apart

still upward till the day shall break
and shadows all have flown
still upward till in heaven you wake
and stand before the thrown

i will send down showers in season,
there will be showers of blessing.
ezekiel 34:26

desk part II

after two weeks already
this is what has become of my desk
where is the desk?
who knows

i now work with 2 computers
one is not enough...
or is it?

i'm going out of my mind...
i keep using the wrong keyboard
and the wrong mouse for each computer
it's driving me insane...haha

but it does make me work faster
faster faster faster...
multi-task so much better

other than that type of craziness
the weather out here has been
absolute madness
it's sunny and warm today

i think winter is over already
it was tough wasn't it?
haha
i'm talking to myself again

walked along the boardwalk of the city
on such a perfect day
because the new design studio project
is a waterfront building
very interesting

back to work...

small city living

yesterday was a walk across the entire city of halifax
it only took 10 minutes
haha...nono
maybe 40
it's a small scale city
and after all that walking
i'm getting to know the city well

i like it
the pace is slow
which i'm still getting used to
i'm still used to the toronto mentality
of rush
and hurry

it's great
it's a rare sight to see people in business suits
it's not as business minded here
and again
the people are friendly and sincere

i've been getting so much exercise lately
walking all over...
and climbing the stairs to the apartment
the elevator being replace

and i got my shipment of stuff from home today
haha...
carrying those 3 boxes home
killer experience...
up those 5 flights of stairs
total workout

the apartment is now almost complete
just missing maybe some shelving
and a coffee table
and we're done

home in 3 months
i think i only got one exam
so back for 3 weeks in april
very nice.

lessons in archi part 1

yesterday...
or should i say today...
i slept at 4am

because of the images above
this is not a 'building'
as our workshop professors
bml and sweetapple say

it's an exercise
not a building

we had 6 days to work on this exercise
understanding and designing
a 'building'

conjuring up a spectacular idea
then working it out

so the weekend i faced my computer
for the most part

then for entertainment
a new friend of mine drove
me and kj to walmart
bought more 'stuff'

nice apartment
flooded with sunlight
it's still not that cold over here

okay...
after being entertained at walmart
comes dinner
not too many people go out for dinner here
restaurants are not that full
or have no business at all
small city
not much nightlife

back to the apartment for more work
work work work till 4am...
not done yet though

the drawings
big stuff...proportions...balance...
unity...function...program....
form...circulation...structure
scale...services...parti
small stuff like lineweight
text...colour...

all that is to be kept in mind
then there's presentation
how should it look?
how big?
what should be bigger?
what's more important?
it's all a matter of communication.
drawing and if the drawing conveys
the message that you want
is it clear? consice?
is it repeated? confusing?

set my alarm clock for 8 am
because there's a class at 9

and needed to print the above
on a 24 x 36" at 8:30
in case something screws up
worked out fine
just costed more

then comes class...
only 10 people show up
because the rest either haven't slept
or still working on their projects
or both

i wasn't done yet
still had a model to finish by 4pm
a whole model of the 'building'

haven't eaten breakfast
no time...
no time gel hair...
just brush teeth and out the door
waking at 8 was difficult

but then kj just slept for 2 hours
i got 4

not bad.

get back from class around 10:30am
after buying some model building supplies
then model starts...

really tired at that point...
but got to endure...haha

so model got built by 3:15
i have lunch
and go pick up the prints
and walk to school
for pin up and critique

the 3 profs walk
around all the pinned up projects once first
then as a class
they commented on all of them individually
going around

studio is quite different here
more of a hand craft
than a computer craft

my comments on mine
i found very hilarious
they said all of my favorite architects
haha...
subconciously my work is similar
to these architects/firms

todd williams billie tsien
shim sutcliff architects
and my all time favorite
carlos scarpa

at first glance
they thought it was too complex
didn't understand it much

but then as they looked
they got more interested
even as one walked away
while the other one was still commenting
he replied back that it was getting
more interesting the more he looked at it

and that is exaclty what i want to achieve
i don't want my building to be
something glanced at for only 2 seconds
and commented on

i hope it takes a while longer
to appreciate.
and the longer you look
i hope the better and more intrigued you become

but still
this is only a 6 day project
very fun
and i'm beginning to definitely
develop my own style

succeed

what are you after
is success of importance

if you need to surrender something
let it be me
don't let me hinder

i hope you achieve your dream

when one day you succeed
i hope i'll be there
i'll be happy with you

everyone knows
that everyone has their goals

if i don't succeed
you don't have to be down with me.

lead actor

this is where i spend most of my day
brainstorming ideas...or not...

so much clutter
i definitely need a bigger desk...

sleepy...another early morning
group meeting
thanks to my group members

people don't seem as tense around here
about deadlines or projects...
or maybe i'm in my room too much to notice
haha...

cooked up another good meal today.
and watched another 3 episodes of family guy
hilarious

not missing home too much yet...
maybe because here it's as comfortable
and it does feel like home...

the weather seems the same
and as usual i would be in my 'office'
at home most of the time anyways...

it hasn't really felt like i've left

school is different
i don't know everybody i see
i don't know what they do
how they do it
how the archi school functions
what they expect
what to expect
i'm trying to work
to my own expectations

i need to catch some zzz's
or like today's meeting
i won't be saying much
and i'll be daydreaming
letting kj do all the talking

halifax is a nice city
slow pace
friendly atmosphere

where almost everybody
seems to nod and smile on the street
when you pass bye

like some really happy movie...
bright and cheery...
even though today
the clouds came back for a visit.

see the sun

you can't hide here any longer
you can't last here any longer

and yes they'll ask you where you've been
and you'll have to tell them again and again

and you probably don't want to hear
tomorrow's another day
well i promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pain's
the only way to happiness
and i promise you you'll see the sun again

come on take my hand
we're going for a walk
i know you can
you can wear anything as long as it's not black
please don't mourn forever
she's not coming back

do you remember telling me
you found the sweetest thing of all
you said one day this was worth dying for
so be thankful you knew her at all
but it's no more

and you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
well i promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
and i promise you you'll see the sun again

i'll leave the taxi waiting
but you turn and close the door
sit back down
where you were sitting
a little further than before
_________________________________________

sunny day in halifax
it only gets warmer here!
haha...

i wish i had less to do...

sleepy...

but gotta keep working...

halifax people are contagiously nice.
it's wrong not to be.

i hope these group projects turn out well.

and that this intense workshop doesn't kill me.

back to it.

here

share others burdens
and your own seem to become
much lighter

everything is working fine over here
in the east coast

it's what's inside i hope can pull through

wish it could be sunny
but that would be asking for a lot

there's already no snow or rain
for the first two days

complete utter exhaustion
was yesterday

and today no different
but better because the apartment is good

people are great

takes getting used to for sure

at least there's heat tonite in the apartment
yesterday was none

survived as usual
just tough
i know

a lot of work to do...
many thing still left to be figured out

and yes...first day
hit us with an intensive
studio project

thanks...
due in a week
thanks...

it better be good
i know

i look forward to working on this project
so much fun...
but need more rest and time to do it

safe and sound
i think it's gonna be good.

no traffic.
close to school.
close to food.
close to downtown.
yet so quiet.
no distractions except myself.

cooking again...haha
and i've never shopped so much ever in my life in one day

furnishing the apartment
and so many other things in it.

felt like i was on the amazing race
racing against the time the stores would close.

and we made it...
team effort.

good team.

goodnite.

regaining myself slowly but surely.

i'm ready

save the best for last they say

thanks o.
from the bottom of my heart.

those words inside
i will keep close

this is one of the best gifts i've ever received
it brings back so many good memories
good times

your scrapbook made me
laugh, smile, sad
gave me courage, confidence

you've reminded me of who i am
of what's important to me
and my dream.
where my strength comes from.
you hit me right on the spot.

the pictures you chose
are so perfect for the words you wrote

thanks to each one who contributed
to this gift
i will have with me
through my days.

rough times are inevitable.

i will remember...

how far you were willling to walk to get what you wanted

when things get windy to hang on tight
the storm will soon pass

to keep on dancing
to keep on fighting
to think outside the box
there is always another way
to eat, drink, and be merry

someone's load could be bigger than yours

don't sweat, cuz it's gross....haha

how much you're paying...don't waste it!
that you've been through a lot worse

not to give into stereotypes
this isn't a business

my dreams

to keep on climbing
don't give up

to get lots of rest
to take a break

not to be afraid to ask for a helping hand
to take a walk on the beach when the sun is setting

home is not that far away
each step you take forwards
bring you closer to the end

to pray

how happy your ideas and suggestions made people

not to be afraid to try new things
express your opinions

happiness is not that far behind
all the people who support you

your mentor
family
friends
and even baruch

your accomplishments
that i know george?

after 34 days
we are still friends

thanks for your words of wisdom.

v.c.
you'll always be our hommie!
- hahaha

d.c
think of ian
- haha...i hope not.

k.t
just torture k.j
- will do!

b.w
thinking about getting something done
only wastes time, so just do it.
- alrite...a little too much advertising...

w.c
look around and you will realize that nothing
is putting pressure on you except yourself
look outside and admire the beauty of nature
and it is still a wonderful world
- yup...it still is...i needed a reminder...

l.m
stress doesn't complete a project
so try to keep a calm head
and take it line by line
piece by piece
you will get it done
and remember crits are subjective
but just keep your conviction
and as long as you are learning
you will be fine
- i agree...thanks

and all the silient words
from others

...and remember
how happy you were at the end

it will all be worth it one day...

i will remember that this has made my leave
now i know...only such a short while
so much better.

thanks once again.

now i'm ready.

before i go

every 2 seconds...
everything i see...

my mind captures an image
and tries hard to save it.

augh...

because it will never be like this again...
i know.
______________________________________

happy new year

resolutions?

to accomplish less than i did in 2005
to go through less than i did in 2005
to think less than i did in 2005
2005 is way over quota.
______________________________________

sorry for my last entry.
there's much left out
and some parts should not have
been written without the rest.

______________________________________

i know i'll have plenty of time to write here
when i'm over there...

...i'll miss you.

arg...and i chose to play this song

sitting here staring at the wall
another lonely tear falls
i'm trying to write you this song
but i can hardly see the page at all

cause it's breaking my heart
when i look in your eyes
and i don't see me anymore

tell me that you still believe
that you still love me
the way i love you
if you took your love away from me
you know i would die

please pick up the phone
tell me i'm crazy
i got it all wrong
i don't know what i'm gonna do

cuz i'm not ready for goodbye...
______________________________________

i'm not ready...

...goodbye

______________________________________

my first entry...
already a horrible start to the new year

it's time

i wasn't able to sleep last night
so i decided to get up and write
this was written dec 16

a fairy tale is a fictious story
how come it never occurred to me

the one i will share
has broken hearts
mine shattered

i remember a text message i got long ago
it wrote
'don't cry because it happened, smile because it did'

again and again i feel i've left my heart
on the door of your house
the winds howling
and the snow falling

yet you stand inside not knowing
whether to answer the door

i see you through the window
and i know you see me
i wave
no answer
i shout
no answer
a heart that's given all it can
no answer

maybe she thinks i'm some thief
possibly robbing her of all she has
maybe i'm selling something she just doesn't need

friends outside say
let it go
the door won't open
yet i insist
yes it will
they say
you are far from deserving this
i say
am i?

i take my heart and begin to walk down the steps
but time and again
i go back
i'm called to leave and called to go back
stranded.
strangled.

you think carefully
plan strategically
each move is precise

you don't want me to go
yet you don't want me to stay

i don't have the key to the house
and now i think i've lost the keys to my own home

inside is warm and bright
and i wait here dark and cold

there's hope?
is there?

i've failed for trust
i've failed for respect
i've failed for empathy

i look inside again
and it looks colder by the day

she lights a dim candle
smiles
and continues with her own business
i watch the candle flicker in the night
from outside

i failed to see the sign on the door
it says
the owner will not open the door
try to stay warm

i find strength to turn around
and i failed to see
all of you
holding a candle
keeping me warm throughout

the surgury i had was painful
but there are other things that hurt more

i take a tylonol and try to sleep.

what i have said
and have written before

all holds true.

____________________________________________

well well well...
i'm slouched so far down on my seat
that i'll fall off any moment...

and so...
all my hope has led
to lessons learned
and one broken heart.

yea...broken alright
i was surprised at myself
crying in a public place
it's okay for me
for all you to know.

just glad that there weren't
too many people there.

but no...i couldn't hold it in
no matter how much i wanted to

something that i believe in
doesn't pull through
something i've put time and effort
into surmounting to nothing
but nothing

but it's not nothing
i've given
and i've gained

the good
the bad
who's right
who's wrong

it all doesn't matter so much
is it tough?
well sure it is
tougher than i thought?
that too.

probably because i didn't expect

i still know
that if it was
then it would have been
and if it isn't
then that's what it's meant to be

take away from it
not all is lost
learn
and i hope you learn

the moments
the time
the happy, sad, exictied, scared
worried, nervous, devasted, shocked,
lost, consumed
are all part of it.

if you've seen me sad
i think you're fortunate

and hey...
what could i expect
live and learn

jump in the fire
shine brighter

and so this year ends with
so much
i can't even use words.

few more days left...
what could happen

am i prepared to leave?
i'm prepared for anything

i'll pack my bags,
i'm leaving this place.

it's okay...i'll be okay...
really.*

hey...it's me.

*no...not really.

if i could

if you could go and change things
and make things better

the willingness to do it
is what it's all about.

slow down everyone
you're moving too fast

anymore

more than us
and we are them
but they don’t know
what’s in their hands
it’s more than you
and it’s more than
i but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if it’s love
at all
not anymore

more than he
more than she
they all sleep
but we just dream

more or less
means more for us
but it’s more
and everybody wants a hand
but i’m too busy holding up the world
to carry on
no not anymore

i wish that i
could fly fly fly away
and if i should fall
and you hear me call
would you stay
more than us
and we are them

but they don’t know
what’s in our heads
it’s more than you
and it’s more than i
but it’s more

and everybody calls it love
but i’m not really sure if this is love
at all
not anymore
anymore
anymore
____________________________________________

merrychristmas

they exist

the joy of christmas

i'm feeling the warmth that there
exist such great people on this planet.

selfless
thoughtful
genuine

makes me embarrased at who i am
and inspires me to do more.

haha...i'm having a complete blast
my last few days here
very worn
but worth every minute
every moment.
completely.

i can already picture what it's going
to be like when i'm coming back from halifax

and already have the feeling of
being alone when i'm over there.
_____________________________________________

i cannot do it alone
the waves surge fast and high
and the fog close all around
the light goes out in the sky
but i know that we two
will win in the end

cowardly, wayward, and weak
i change with the changing sky
today so eager and bright
tomorrow too weak to try
but he never gives in
so we two will win

i could not guide it myself
my boat on life's wild sea
there's one who sits by my side
who pulls and steers with me
and i know that we two
will safe enter port
Jesus and i

writing to reach you

everyday i wake up and it's sunday
whatever's in my head won't go away
the radio is playing all the usual

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you

it's good to know that you are home for christmas
it's good to know that you are doing well
it's good to know that all you know i'm hurting
it's good to know i'm feeling not so well

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you
do you know it's true
and that won't do

maybe then tomorrow will be monday
and whatever's in my head should go away
still the radio keeps playing all the usual

because my inside is outside
my right side's on the left side
cuz i'm writing to reach you
but i might never reach you
i long to teach you
about you
but that's not you
do you know it's true
and that won't do
you know it's you
i'm talking to

astair

astair your glare is killing me
astair in skies of blue
the signs you wear are making me
so confused

but the mountains and the trees
are they just what you need
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving well just
give me a reason why i'll let you down
before you turn around

astair at you're there and i'm still here
i swear i'm so confused
the signs you wear are making me
feel like i'm the one to lose

but the canyons and the seas
are they just what you need
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving well come
give me reason why i'd let you down
before you turn around

but the mountains and the trees
are they what you perceive
or are they less than what
you'd expect to see

and if you're leaving
give me reason why i'll let you down
before i turn around

matt costa - astair

pierced

this time around
the last day at work has been quite different
yet very similar

haha...i no longer know what i'm thinking...
constantly going back and fourth

i will miss the moments at work...
and some of the people...
________________________________________________

each day something special has been going on.

each gesture is like an arrow straight through me.

thanks to all of you.

9 always

of # 9 and 7

i'm nowhere close to a # 7

but then i'm sure you all got that.
haha...

rather

there's a whole lot of things i want to say
can't seem to get it out
because i know i'll breakdown if i do.

i hope this old train breaks down
then i could take around
you see there's no time to see
cuz time is just a melody

with all the people in the street
walking as fast as their feet can take them
might as well just roll through town
and though my window's got a view
and the frame i'm looking through
seems to have no concern for now

i need this old train to breakdown
please just let me breakdown

but you can't stop nothing if you got no control
of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know
that you don't know nothing
but you don't need to know

wisdom's in the tress not the glass windows
you can't stop wishing if you don't let go
of the things that you find and you lose and you know
you keep on rolling
put the moment on hold

i want to breakdown
but i can't stop now

i can't sleep cuz it hurts when i think
chances we take

too much silence has been misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way
that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came
well
it's leaving
it's leaving
i'm leaving.
__________________________________________

this is what i would rather

it was just another night
with the sunset and a moonrise
not so far behind
to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to all the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

# 9

The expression that you exhibit is represented by the number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

# 7

Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

why me

why would your heart break for me
when mine not for you

but mine does when i know yours has.

but why.
reoccurence

ah...what complicated world
__________________________________________


i now have a friend going with me to halifax!
whoohooooo!

haha...

bullet train

at work

good and bad today

the funny thing is
our PM started getting frustrated at me and my coworker

we're working!
she thinks we won't finish on time
and thinks that we both slack off

'are you both working on that?'

now that i know i'm leaving the office soon i'm not afraid of her...haha

'yea, we're both working on it.'
you got a problem with that attitude

she thinks she's so smart and so fast
she has her strong points
i can see right through her

i can see her wasting her time always...
just talking and talking

but as always
focus on getting your own work done

the two dufflet cakes at the end of work todaymade up for the
rush, draw, redraw, instruct, answer questions, ask questions
and coworkers

a lot of it is about asking the right questions
and doing it right the first time
____________________________________________

i have leaving on my mind
i have you on my mind

like a bullet train
these two weeks race across my mind

and sadly i have to think
could i have done better?

what now

i am quickly going crazy

work has been so demanding it's not that funny
it's been extremely exhausting too

on top of that
add so many things

me no want to go to work
me no want to go to school

boo

heaviness

i never wanted to feel like this again

can you stop all the world now

sooner or later

i'll lose all control now

nothing to fear
_____________________________________

heart of mine
why must you stray

from one so fair
you ran away

and one more time
you have to pay for heaviness
and needless shame

heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own

he's been there
all along
watching for me down the road

come home running
his arms are open wide
he is the answer i am looking for

come home running
just as i am

stop looking...

his name is Jesus.
he understands.

over by the ocean

already been 6 days since my last one.

time is passing too fast
and i continue to count down to the day i leave

non-stop madness.
it's getting to a point where i don't know
what to do first

so many thing going on

*yawn

so tired yet
don't want to sleep

i don't know how many days i have left in this room
____________________________________________

the roller coaster continues to creep it's way up
and i'm looking down

this is what it feels like to leave home

...

i've received so many well wishes
many i'll miss you's
and given many i'll miss you too in return

but yea
you can't have everything
win some, lose some

my mom says
'there's always a light on you, wherever you go'
and i know she means God's light is on me always

'wherever you go, you'll be fine.'

it has never failed
no exception this time either i know.

thank you for telling me that it is God who provides

i can hear it in people's voices that there is
something in them that doesn't want me to go
and that means most to me.

i'm sure they can see how much i don't want to leave.
however much i don't want to go,
i know i'm going because i need to do this.

i begin to look at toronto as a city
thinking how different it will be in halifax
and then i picture halifax in the spring and summer
and then i think of my life over there
i think about what my place will be like

i want to see people here
i want to know what's going on in your life
i want to be here
i'm needed over by the atlantic ocean?

at the same time

i can't wait to learn new things
i can't wait to sit by the water
i can't wait to get my degree

however much i don't want to go...
____________________________________________

i want to see you all
at least once more before i go

i make it seem like i'm never coming back...haha

but yea...this will be difficult for me on my own.

may God continue to bless each and every one of you.

however much i don't want to go...

if you knew me

as i look to the christmas tree
the same christmas tree
i've seen for over many years

makes me down thats all.

and again,
at this happy time
i can't seem to be

i guess it's that
when i'm troubled
i need sympathy
thanks to those who have been

and no...this isn't really working.

however much i want to say and think that it is
i really don't know

i know i am given what i can handle.

if i wasn't capable
it wouldn't be mine

so easily happy
yet easily crushed

that's what i am

you know what
forget about it.
________________________________________

dark clouds cast a patch of shadow over our hearts
i listen closely to the feelings
that have long been silienced

distinct and transparent
like a beautiful landscape
that can only been seen from memory

can a heart that's been thoroughly wounded
keep on loving me?

i work hard to stretch out
my warmth-less hands

a gentleness that came and went
has already been locked by time

all that's left are grievances
that cannot be waved apart

longing is like a maple leaf
slowly drifting downwards

i ignite a candle to warm the end of autumn

tears that have fallen
has let love completely permeate
the surface of the earth

snowflakes now covered the ground
and i dread to know that the leaves outside
have turned to ice

and i can't do anything
with this pair of warmth-less hands

________________________________________

your cup of grace
is deeper than
the ocean

your strong embrace
is wider
than the sky

Jesus
my heart cannot break enough for
your love

a well that runs deep within
my soul

your perfect words
go further than
tomorrow

when my world shakes
you pull me through
the storm

Jesus
my heart cannot break enough
for your love

spirit waltz - something like silas

too soon

i don't know whether to be happy or not

people say congradulations...
i'm thinking what for?

i can't say thank you with confidence

reason

leaving home?
what?

really...?
i've thought about it many times

reality will hit me in one month
one month exactly
and that month is december 2005

now

no
i'm not ready
i'm not ready to leave what has been
built up for so many years

let me digest

and i'll get back here

our destiny

a common destiny for all

so i reflected on all this and concluded that
the righteous and the wise and what they do
are in God's hands
but no man knows whether
love or hate awaits him

all share a common destiny
the righteous and the wicked
the good and the bad
the clean and the unclean
those who offer sacrifices and those who do not

as it is with the good man
so with the sinner
as it is with thsoe who take oaths
so with those who are afraid to take them

...

the living know that they will die
but the dead know nothing
they have no further reward
and even the memory of them is forgotten

their love
their hate
and their jealousy have long since vanished
never again will they have a part in anything
that happens under the sun

...

whatever your hand finds to do
do it with all your might
for in the grave
where you are going
there is neither working
nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom

the race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the learned
but time and chance happen to them all

no man knows when his hour will come

as fish are caught in a cruel net
or birds are taken in a snare
so men are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them

ecclesiastes chapter 9 various verses

the truth of the bible.

my day off

today is the exact opposite of my ideal day off of work

GRE = the results are in.

none of the words i studied were on the exam.
hahahahaha.....so stupid
so many words that i didn't study were on!
why are there so many words in the english language!?!
my conclusion is:
you can't study for the vocab section.
it's a wasted effort.
whatever you knew before
is the knowledge that is brought into the exam

it is only 30 question
in 30 minutes!?!

arg...and for so many questions there's a long passage to read
with super long questions and way too long multiple choice answers.
it would take 5 min to read and fully understand the passage and another minite each to read the question and choices.

freaked out that i didn't have enough time i began to randomly
select answers.

there's no time....and you can't move to the next question without answering
that was a crazy exam.

and yes.
my randomly selected answers i would think were mostly wrong
because i didn't end up with a high score or even an average score
i scored below average.

aauggghhh

to my surprise i did really well on the math section
when i did the practice tests i scored average for both the verbal and quantitative parts

on the exam i did much better in the quantitative part!
haha...

it balances out...

i still need the results for the written part
i think i did well on.

and then there's post GRE
driving here, driving there

rain....some more rain....rain
and work

i got to catch up on my work for work
from home.

this is no day off i left home slightly later.
and i got home slightly earlier.

i need sleep.
desperately.

but no.
got to keep working.

and again, the month is over.

what is going on here?

just turn the music up really loud
so you can't think.

that'll do it.