ebullience

GRE!!!!! go away!!!!!!!!!

arg...studying for the exam makes me realize
how much i don't want to ever take exams again.

so tough...!!
i'm on my own here this time...nobody to call to ask
although i can...but nah.
who wants to deal with these math questions
and english vocab.

so hard...!!
those stupid words that nobody knows anyways
but my brother seemed to know all the words i tested him with
he even knows what canonical means!
haha....grrrr...

who would have known
that diatribe means harsh denunciation
or nolsome means bad smelling
assuage means to lessen

who cares!?

i have a premonition that i will be giving the GRE a good diatribe soon
because right now i can already tell that it is nolsome
ya it smells really bad

and i don't know what will assuage the pain...hahaha

wow...putting words into practice makes me remember them so much easier

really i should get back to studying...
but how much am i remembering.

reaching saturation...

time

there is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven

a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silient and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace

what does the worker gain from his toil?
i have seen the burden God has laid on men
He has made everything beautiful in his time
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end

i know that there is nothing better for men than be happy
and do good while they live

that everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil
this is a gift of God

i know that everything God does will endure forever
nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it

God does it so men will revere Him.

ecclesiastes 3:1-14

city and colour

so there goes my life
passing by with every exit sign
and it's been so long
sometimes i wonder how long i will stay strong
no sleep tonight

i'll keep driving these dark highway lines
and as the moon fades
one more night gone
only twenty more days
but i will see you again
a long time from now

there goes my life
passing by with every departing flight
and it's been so hard
so much time
so far apart

as she walks the night
how many hearts will die tonight?
will things have changed?

i guess i'll find out in seventeen days
but i will see you again
a long time from now

my body aches
and it hurts to sing
and no one is moving
and i wish that i weren't here tonight

but this is my life

city and colour - hello, i'm in delaware

take a step back

i feel i've found my church
i've found my fellowship
and i've found sunday school

i think it's the way it should be
i don't know if it the way God meant it to be

sunday school ends with me learning
and remembering what he said

what a great teacher
a great teacher is someone who has people listening acutely
and leaves an impression on the mind
and enables the student to apply what is learned

that is my idea of a great teacher

i learned more from sunday school than from the sermon
about who i am and who i want to be

i ache to be a leader
i want to know what i'm doing
i want a grand vision
i want to achieve it as well
i get lost at work
i know i'm learning
it's hard for me to be in a low position
yet i know i can't start from the top

i'm still in awe at the way he has affected me
praise the Lord.
________________________________________

yea...

alrite
okay.

i'm still thinking about what
my buddy and i discussed on our road trip.
you know what.

relax...

whatever will be will be.
take a step back
and look at the big picture

come on...
didn't architecture teach me anything?

image of the architect

good to know sad to hear

i think i'm rediscovering what a friend means
even though i was stuck in traffic for so many hours
and me as the driver
it was okay

i had a friend to talk to all the way through.
i'm glad we got the time to discuss what was going on with both of us.
i like talking one to one as opposed to in groups
and at least an hour for any discussion
to get somewhere
where you feel that you've actually learned something
or your view changes
or you feel something has been accomplished.

it's quite seldom these days

so many
myself included

concerned with daily tasks, chores
just doing and getting done
i'm sick of it

the repetitiveness makes me numb

we go through
laughing like mad
being sad for each other
what we think about the future

although the concert sucked
not entirely...but in general...haha
it's okay
he helped me
and i hope that i did the same

i think it's still money and time well spent.

drained

and all is not well in the world.

one piece at a time.

the heart is heavy,

the mind is to capacity.

there is more...but ya...
not now.

go figure

i wrote a post i'm not going to publish...
arg...

always this way...
during my supposedly happiest moments
can't seem to be happy for myself

anyways.
_____________________________________________

two words that need to be taken out of the dictionary

'tired' and 'busy'

it seems like everybody i talk with
say one or both words.

what else is new.
_____________________________________________

enough of that.
my complaints are unecessary.

i'm feeling much better...no more dizzyness
got the award today...
and possibly a raise tomoro...

what more do you want...
maybe sleep...
and maybe i need some time
to figure what i'm doing
and where i'm going

getting cold

friends long absent are coming back to you.

my fortune cookie read.

why give me hope i wonder sometimes.

can't wait.
______________________________________

i still get dizzy now and then...
i don't feel i'm sick
no cold, no flu

don't know what it is.

the leaves are almost all fallen off the branches
the ground is half golden half green.

and yet again,
the weekend has past.
and yet again,
feels like the work week is already over
before it has began.

2005

is it still 2005?

there seems to be no end to this year
yet weeks seem to pass by fast.

an uncountable number of things have happened
critical things

i've been wanting to call 2005 the year of all my years before
and today has finally made it that day

the highest of highs
the lowest of lows
all in 2005

the year hasn't ended yet
already given and taken away so much

quarter life year 2005
if i get to live long

i can't wait for march 29, 2006.
____________________________________________

i couldn't concentrate today
probably because my head hurt
a bump on the back of my head
that i don't know where it came from

and then...

who me?
i couldn't fall asleep when
they told me i got an award on through email
they sent me two emails but no mention of what i won

i called
she didn't tell me
and told me to wait
so i waited more than a week

calling home everyday to see if i got mail
what could they possibly give me?
me?

the highest overall.
highest!?
no way...
you gotta be kidding

haha...no kidding
no kidding

and i couldn't hold in
from laughing the whole day through
right now too
haha...

incredible shock and disbelief

i'm thinking
this does not only belong to me
it sounds very typical at award ceremonies
people will say that

but really
thank God.
for everything.

my parents.
for staying up,
for helping me focus on school,
for words,
for too much.

my grandparents.
for looking after me,
for care,
for cooking.

my friends.
for help when i needed,
for sticking with me,
for a memorable experience.

thank you, you, and you.

i thought to myself last year.
i didn't do as well as i wanted in third year.
it was really tough.

i told myself to do better this year.
still i never expected this to happen.

this is incredible.

name

i found this when i was searching all over my house
for my 'peanuts' essay

about my first name

your first name has given you a very creative, quick minded approach to life. (creative and quickminded...sounds right)
you desire changes, new experience, and freedom in your thoughts and actions. (yea)
you are driven by the desire to accomplish something worthwhile and have a very searching and analytical mind. (yes)
you have to watch your depression due to attracting disappoinments with people, and restrictions of your enthusiastic endevours. (true)

you are very ambitious, and often have high expectations of yourself and others. (arg...i guess)
you have to watch impulsiveness in decision-making, and yet pride yourself in your implusive, self-making decisions. (i do get impulsive on things i believe in and i usually mess up on my impulsive decisions)
you want freedom of choice in your decisions. (of course)
further fields always look greener, and due to you restless nature it is difficult to be satisfied and settled for long periods. (yes...restless...i need to work on a few things at once)
even when you have just settled, something always comes up, intriguing you to make a change, or through a disappointment which can cause inner turmoil. (change is good...but not always)
you are honest and your word is your bond. (i hope i am and it is)
it upsets you very much if others break their word. (sure it does)
however, your speech can be very candid often causing hurt feelings and misunderstandings. (i don't always express myself the way i want...sorry...i know my speech is candid sometimes)
you are quite intense and when interested in a project have a strong focus and concentration, but once the challenge is removed and the monotonous routine steps in you are ready for a change. (INTENSE is the word!)

you would be fond of anything that is a change for your restless and adventuresome nature. (adventure!)
you have a very intuitive nature and you often have premonitions about future events (i can predict the future...what would you like to know?)

wow...there is something in the name...

blessed be

they are His waves whether they break over us
hiding His face in smothering spray and foam
or smooth and sparkling spread a path before us
and to our haven bear us safely home

they are His waves whether for our sure comfort
He walks across them stilling all our fear
or to our cry there comes no aid nor answer
and in the lonely silence none is near

they are His waves whether we are hard-striving
through tempest-driven waves that never cease
while deep to deep with turmoil loud is calling
or at His word they hush themselves in peace

they are His waves whether He separates them
making us walk dry ground where seas had flowed
or lets tumultuous breakers surge about us
rushing unchecked across our only road

they are His waves and He directs us through them
so He has promised so His love will do
keeping and leading, guiding and upholding
to this sure harbour, He will bring us through

annie johnson flint
________________________________________

filled with joy
i look back at the prayers i've had
filled with blessing
more than i could have ever anticipated

these days
i wish time would pass by slower
and even stop
________________________________________

blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
where Your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

blessed be Your name
when i'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blessing You pour out 
i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, Lord
still i will say

blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

blessed be Your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's all as it should be
blessed be Your name

blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be Your name

every blessing You pour out
i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, Lord
still i will say

blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name

matt redman

at last

don't remember the last time i was working so hard
submitted another application yesterday

and after every submission
i go through a low

afraid of being judged and criticized on something
i put so much energy and effort into
wondering what will happen
wondering if it's worth all the running around
waking early in the morning
rushing in and out of the office to do personal things
thankfully my boss is great about it

we have so many projects going on
much more than our office can handle
many of them are running on low heat on the backburner

if i was the client
i'd be much more demanding
'what are you doing with my project?'
'when will it be done?'

it's been 3 months since i last heard of a project
2 months since i've heard of another

and weeks of nothing done for another project
and of course, we focus more time on the ones that cost more

free at last
days which i can do whatever i want after work

don't think it will last
i'd like to bring work home to do
only if it's design related
so that we can get things done around the office
and not delay everything

if you want to

i have seen peace.
i have seen pain,
resting on the shoulders of your name.
do you see the truth through all their lies?
do you see the world through troubled eyes?
and if you want to talk about it anymore,
lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
i'm a friend.

i have seen birth.
i have seen death.
lived to see a lover's final breath.
do you see my guilt?
should i feel fright?
is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
and if you want to talk about it once again,
on you i depend.
i'll cry on your shoulder.
you're a friend.

you and i have been through many things.
i'll hold on to your heart.
i wouldn't cry for anything,
but don't go tearing your life apart.

i have seen fear.
i have seen faith.
seen the look of anger on your face.
and if you want to talk about what will be,
come and sit with me,
and cry on my shoulder,
i'm a friend.
and if you want to talk about it any more,
lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
i'm a friend.

james blunt - cry

all in a days work

it hurts to love someone and not be loved
in return, but what is most painful is to
love someone and never finding the courage
to let the person know how you feel.

maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong
people before meeting the right one
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

love is when you take away the feeling,
the passion, the romance-and you find out
you still care for that person.

when one door of happiness closes,
another opens but often we look so long
at the closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.

the best kind of friend is the one
you could sit on a porch,
and swing with, never say a word,
and then walk away feeling like
that was the best conversation you've had.

it's true that we don't know what
we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true that we don't know
what we've been missing until it arrives.

giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back, don't expect love in return,
just wait for it to grow in their hearts
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

there are things you love to hear
but you would never hear it from the person
from whom you would like to hear it,
but don't be deaf to hear it from the person
who says it with their heart.

never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can take it,
never say you don't love that person
anymore when you can't let go.

love comes to those who still hope,
even though they've been disappointed,
to those who still believe,
even though they've been betrayed,
need to love those who still love,
even though they've been hurt before.

there are moments in life when you really
miss someone that you want to pick them
from your dreams and hug them for real.
hope you dream of that someone.

dream what you want to dream, go where you
want to go, be what you want to be,
cause you have only one life and one chance
to do all the things you want in life.

always put yourself in other's shoes.
if you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the person, too.

a careless word may kindle strife,
a cruel word may wreck a life,
a timely word may level stress,
a loving word may heal and bless.

the beginning of love is to let those
we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them with our own image,
otherwise, we love only the reflection of
ourselves we find in them.

the happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything, they just make
the most of everything that comes along their way.

happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched and
those who have tried
for only they can
appreciate the importance of people who
have touched their lives.


posted by my friend dan

i was speechless.

_____________________________________________

enjoying work
although i always dread waking up early each day

i looked at smaller things at work today.
what makes it great.

some people in the office seem to care
that i'm actually a human
not a machine
and generally
they're all good people

we all have smaller groups within the office
people we work closer with one another

when a problem comes up
everyone is involved
maybe because everyone needs to be involved to solve it

what i really enjoy about architecture is team work
haha...and i actually enjoy the rush of deadlines

the projects i work on are great
i learn from them.
i get to design and draw them.

i learn from the people who teach me
very practical aspects of architecture.

how things are put together
how people come together

then i looked at how much fun we have in the office
we celebrate our birthdays
and right now we're having plenty of fun with
the new fancy coffee, cap, espresso machine

i looked at the utensils i used to eat lunch with
haha...yes...i even looked at that...
the plates we use...blah blah...
and they're good

work justified
why i travel so far for it.

mess

very very conflicted

mind in 10 places

very unproductive

not doing much

mind is a mess

i hope i can sleep

cuz it hurts when i think

my thoughts aren't at peace with the plans

high

beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me
there is nothing else in the world
i'd rather wake up and see with you

beautiful dawn - i'm just chasing time again
thought i would die a lonely man, in endless night
but now i'm high; running wild among all the stars above
sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again
do you remember the day when my journey began?
will you remember the end of time?

beautiful dawn - you're just blowing my mind again
thought i was born to endless night, until you shine
high; running wild among all the stars above
sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

will you be my shoulder when i'm grey and older?
promise me tomorrow starts with you
getting high; running wild among all the stars above
sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

james blunt - high
___________________________________________

tears and rain

how i wish i could surrender my soul
shed the clothes that become my skin
see the liar that burns within my needing
how i wish i'd chosen darkness from cold
how i wish i had screamed out loud
instead i've found no meaning

i guess it's time i run far, far away
find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble
hides my true shape, like dorian gray
i've heard what they say
but i'm not here for trouble

it's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

how i wish i could walk through the doors of my mind
hold memory close at hand
help me understand the years

it's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

james blunt - tears and rain
________________________________________

the days are so gloomy
arg

my brother's leaving on a jet plane
for two months!
arg

________________________________________

i've asked why i'm going through this process of not
having a church to call home for so long

and i got my answer while sitting so still
in church this sunday

i looked back at each week
and to this week i still haven't been to the
same church twice in a row

it's more than months now

in my mind...
you're doing this so that
you can bring others to me
you're there at the place you are
because i want you to be there

lightbulb suddenly lights up
and i review each week

whoa.

every sunday...

this week i will be at the same church i was last week.
cuz my mom will be going to church
again this week with me

many people are so full of energy and life
it pulls me there

thanks for the prayers.
keep them coming. =)

on thanking

not much time left till i sleep

wanted to write though...

being thanksgiving
looking back at the year...

on school
on graduating
on europe
on work
on family
on friends


......
......
......


took some time to be thankful
for some other things

for the ups...for the downs...

i'm certainly thankful that my mom went to church with me yesterday
and that she'll be going back as fast as next week!

thanks for the prayers
the thoughts

i've got another prayer request
my grandfather is not doing that well.

today we were supposed to all go to the cemetery together
to pay our respects to my wonderful grandmother

but he wasn't feeling well
he is usually very excited to go

but today, on thanksgiving
he said he couldn't go

not even for lunch. =(

my grandfather.
i've lived with him for so many years

.....
.....
.....

just looking back on the things we did together
and how much fun we had when i was small

what we ate together...what he cooked...
what he said about me
what we went through.

and how he laughs and smiles everytime he sees me

i'm thankful for that.

___________________________________________


here's a tough one

'do not be anxious about anything.' philippians 4:6

quite a few christians live in a terrible state of anxiety,
constantly fretting over the concerns of life.
the secret of living in perfect peace amid the hectic pace of daily life
is one well worth knowing.

what good has worrying ever accomplished?
it has never made anyone stronger,
helped anyone do God's will,
or provided for anyone a way of escape of of their anxiety.

worry only destroys the effectiveness of lives that would
otherwise be useful and beautiful.

(read this...right after my restless post)

being restless and having worries and cares
are forbidden by our Lord.
he simply means that we are not to worry about
what we eat, drink, and wear. (matt 6:31)

the tone of your voice
your negative attitude
the lack of joy

it is a sign of weakness to always fret,
question everything, and mistrust everyone.
we simply sink in our struggles when we could float by faith.

he deserves our total confidence
so come
my soul,
return to your place of peace
and rest within the sweet embrace of
the Lord Jesus

streams in the desert by l.b. cowman
___________________________________________

time for zzz's

just you

here comes my first chinese post...

i didn't write any of it though...it's just copied lyrics.
i don't understand much of it
because can't read most of the characters
and also because it's sang in manderin.

i know a couple lines.

but i think i understand it so well.

在距离三公里的位置 我在这里
想象心中的你的呼吸 同样的熄著灯的窗子
你在那里 听不到我呼吸著分离 我走向前 你看不见 真的遥远
就连叹息 影子听见 也是无言
你走向前 我看不见 你的思念
你和我之间 刻著一条界线 不曾有改变

保留著三公分的距离 我的眼里
填满著整个我爱的你 坐在同一张四方桌子边
你的眼里 读不到眷著我的讯息

当爱离开之前 能多苦 能多深 能多甜
距离是你走过我身边

the song hurts.
it's taken me hostage.
________________________________________

can't get enough of your smile.

i wish i could think of nothing but you.

i can then let go of all stresses.

________________________________________

yet another sunday
still lost
still looking
still finding my way out this dark tunnel.

whisper so i can find my way out.

happy thanksgiving...

everyday needs to be thanksgiving.

i will recount my year of needed thanks.
it's about time!

you're beautiful

relentless tireless restlessness

10 pounds in my head

3 pound wounds
2 pound wonder
4 pound people
1 pound direction

poured out

3 pound distress
2 pound care
2 pound comfort
1 pound healing

add them up, take them away, mix it around

after reading the book 'wild at heart'
thanks for it =)
i found out i had open wounds
i never knew about
it teaches how they can be healed
my wounds deeply personal
and the book says that
everybody has been wounded

i see everybody so much more differently than before
even sometimes it makes me want to have
not read the book

something very small can alter my thought
most of the time i think i'm asking for too much
is it?
who knows

ah...the wonders of life.

and i'm discovering that
i'm an apologetic fool who tries
relentlessly, tirelessly, restlessly
to please everyone

i'm tired.

don't give up though

'come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest.'

thanks

_________________________________________

can't get enough of this song

you're beautiful - james blunt

my life is brilliant.
my love is pure.
i saw an angel.
of that i'm sure.
she smiled at me on the subway.
she was with another man.
but i won't lose no sleep on that,
'cause i've got a plan.

you're beautiful. you're beautiful.
you're beautiful, it's true.
i saw you face in a crowded place,
and i don't know what to do,
'cause i'll never be with you.

yeah, she caught my eye,
as we walked on by.
she could see from my face that i was,
flying high,
and i don't think that i'll see her again,
but we shared a moment that will last till the end.

you're beautiful. you're beautiful.
you're beautiful, it's true.
i saw you face in a crowded place,
and I don't know what to do,
'cause i'll never be with you.
you're beautiful. you're beautiful.
you're beautiful, it's true.

there must be an angel with a smile on her face,
when she thought up that i should be with you.
but it's time to face the truth,
i will never be with you.

dear friend

perhaps there is something in your life causing you to question God
do you find yourself saying, 'i do not understand why God allowed my loved one to be taken. i do not understand why affliction has been permitted to strike me. i do not understand why the Lord has led me down these twisting paths. i do not understand why my own plans, which seemed so good, have been so disappointing. i do not understand why the blessings i so desperately need are so long in coming.'

dear friend, you do not have to understand all God's ways of dealing with you. he does not expect you to understand them. you do not expect your children to understand everything you do -- you simply want them to trust you. and someday you too will see the glory of God in the things you do not understand.

you're the best

thanks mr wong
you've made my day
even though this card is more than one month late
it is very much appreciated
it arrived at a great time.

sadly you're over there in hk.
but then i don't think our friendship would have grown
you didn't leave.

thanks sir.

i can say the same to you and more
definitely.


and o!

thanks very much for your cards
....haha
i'll send you cards very soon!


take care over there in seattle.

gettin better

as long as i can lord

i exhausted.

i go on.

endless road

this is a song that i've been listening to for a couple days...
beware: you may be saddened after reading...
and after listening to the song...you will
__________________________________________


the truth is tearing up my heart
i can't recognize this place
the endless road without a stop sign
can't even find a stranger this time

why am i
still holding back my tears
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seams a wonder
how we could be together

every time i ask
if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this...

i think...
i never will...

a crystal forming in the eye
mayebe this would be the last
the winding path down my face
till i begin to taste the bitterness inside

why am i
still holding back my tears
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seams a wonder
how we could be together

every time i ask
if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this...

i think...
i never will...

bittersweet

each night it's hard to fall asleep
every morning i wake up with unrest

nothing is wrong

and i don't think i could ask for more
____________________________________________

i wanted to translate some chinese lyrics onto here
but i don't think i have the right words

i know people come and go
and they don't come back
and i know i can only smile and watch them leave

i think about you some nights
but what can i do
even if i ran into you
would you be as happy as i am

best to you
yet another

if you could see me smiling

it's been a while
a whole week since i haven't written here

it's one of those days where i feel nothing can bring me down

it's been so good
i don't think i can use words to describe it

'i don't believe in 'good days' and 'bad days'
after reading the book called 'the discipline of grace'

everyday can be as good as the next one
if you can put it into perspective

my blessings today did not depend on my performance before
and everyday is a good one with the knowledge of being saved

you and me
are good enough for His grace

this year in the past months
if you've read anything from before
you might know that i hadn't been doing too well

going through change
diappointments
self-conciousness
led me to dispair

right now the things that cause me grief
don't bother me

what happened today?
what's happening today?
and how will this day end?

not just today
but recently
i have become very comfortable with
who i am
what i do
what i believe

case one of 'His grace'

i've recently reached out to a friend
who has been going through relational problems
which is quite serious in my mind
he told me he was going back to church because of this
but i knew his faith is weak
God put it in my heart to reach out
and i know what it feels like to be reached out to
'woah, somebody actually cares.'
such encouragement

as i have cried out to God
'what have i done for you'

He answered me repeatedly since i've asked
i now ask
'what more can i do?'

case two of 'His grace'

i haven't been doing really well spirutually
during this phase of changing churches

but someone has come along my way
and refreshed my relationship with God

case three of 'His grace'

i'll do 5 cases
too many to list all of them

if you look carefully in a day
there are most likely too many to list

today i talked to a friend i haven't talked to in months
and i couldn't imagine what i was saying was coming from me
i've learned so much this year
i've grown up plenty as well

he wasn't feeling well
and i understand where he's coming from
i told him whoever you are
whatever you do
is what God intended you to be
don't run away from yourself
there's a reason for it all
trust me

he told me that he'll find his way to God

i told him that it feels like i've found a long lost friend

case four of 'His grace'

it was hard to believe myself
i didn't go on an intended trip on sunday
doesn't mean i wasted away doing nothing =)

i went with my mom and an auntie who gambles
as her occupation to the mall
she's very lost in direction
and finds it hard to find 'good people' anymore
she's been disappointed far too many times

i asked my mom in the car to go to church
not only did she agree
but she asked auntie to go with her
after much convincing
they will both go to church with me
beginning october

please pray that this comes true
because i know it can fall through

case five of 'His grace'

today, in a long long time
we are gathered at home
to eat dinner

back together again

finally the client has left
and we can return back to 'normal'
no business was done
a lot of wasted time, evergy, and effort

i'm somewhat thankful for that
my dad has been arrogant
thinking he had this big deal going on
so things will slowly become
what it was like in the past

and they will live happily ever after

if you could see me smiling.

carry on without me

be the first to reach out
in thanking, forgiving, loving, learning, helping, mending

the first so many times
i don't want to reach

arm is tired, injured, strained, weak, frail
_______________________________________

would you know my name
if i saw you in heaven?
would it be the same
if i saw you in heaven?

i must be strong
and carry on,
'cause i know i don't belong
here in heaven.

would you hold my hand
if i saw you in heaven?
would you help me stand
if i saw you in heaven?

i'll find my way
through night and day
'cause i know i just can't stay
here in heaven

time can bring you down
time can bend your knees
time can break your heart
have you begging please, begging please

beyond the door
there's peace i'm sure,
and i know there'll be no more
tears in heaven.

would you know my name
if i saw you in heaven?
would it be the same
if i saw you in heaven?

i must be strong
and carry on
'cause i know i don't belong
here in heaven

eric clapton - tears in heaven

a simple yes
can make all the difference in the world

a world so big

it was a great day at church today
i missed church last week

i was looking forward to going today
i went to my tutors church
it was a great message
along with really friendly people
the friendliest greeting i've ever had

she introduced me to her friends
as her past student
and i tell them i'm still her student
- life long learning

we went for lunch and she came over after lunch
i've updated her and she's updated me on our respective lives

we have a lot in common although we have a large age gap
and i really enjoy her respect and knowledge
how she thinks about issues

she's someone i look to
on outlook in life

'believe in yourself
in your talents and skills
that have brought you
this special day

believe in yourself
in your God-given gifts
and your faith will help show
you the way

believe in yourself
and your own heart
will tell you the dreams and goals
to pursue

believe in yourself
you're someone unique
with no limit
to what you can do'

today the sermon got me most
when she talked about what we do for God
and that has been the question on my mind

she used the analogy of basketball
i've never shot a basket in myself

and she said the people even on the sidelines
are very important

again i was reminded
even for a few minutes a day,

to look at the sky
and how big the world is
and problems will melt away

thanks.

on the run

what's this inside me?

i don't know

a big jumble of stuff running through my head

i would like to write it all...but i can't
and if you ask why i can't say either

lately i've been confronted with a lot of problems

none of my own...

i have enough already running on the backburner

in a sense i'm learning a lot from other people
and in another way
i feel really bad

i felt really good when i helped
and you know what?
i am trying my best

and i was so glad when i was thanked
that my effort is appreciated
it means a lot

and then i remembered
people who've been shown kindness
are only then capable of doing the same
____________________________________________

where has my dad been?

augh...maybe i should be telling him instead...
but he's not around...
i haven't seen him for more than a week now
he's busy working on a big 'deal' with a client

busy going to casinos
i'd be happier if he told me he told me he got a new hobby
but i find out he's shooting guns for a hobby

i mean....
i don't know anymore

as the son am i supposed to reach out?
this is heavier than i can handle.
____________________________________________

it's the long weekend
i've gotta get my time organized

i need to know what i need to be doing
and yes...i'll be working on that portfolio

and yes...thanks for the push
____________________________________________

ever had a heart sinking moment?

i had one today.

byeee...
augh...
____________________________________________

i won't run away...

guess what

start all three parts with 'guess what?'
_____________________________________

i've finally picked colours for the portfolio!
that's a start
they look almost like the blog
except for the blue
they remind me of muji

also got the GRE book from a friend
i can now start reviewing my highschool knowledge!
_____________________________________

i'm well rested feeling great!
thanks for the weekend

these few days i'm much more at peace than before
_____________________________________

today it finally hit me!

no school for the first time in 18 years!
after labour day is a work day
not a school day

no homework
no grades
no gathering with friends
to discuss homework and grades













--------------------------------> thanks

lift

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

my head is spinning...

the whole day i kept repeating to myself
'look awake'
'get everything done'

by the end of the work day
i looked awake
and got everything done

after work
i felt i was about to collapse
light headed
heavy feet

i went to sleep, but couldn't
can't stand it when that happens

there's too much on my mind

when the world comes down hard
don't lift on your own

reaching deep

loaded with work tonite

i struggle to find the time
to make time for others

God has been very gracious

i make a call to my another one of my mentors
my teacher
it's her birthday today

there's this warm calm coming over me
she tells me she goes to church every sunday
and even to sunday school
enjoying it very much

what?
did i just hear that?
i did

it is a blessing to hear these stories

it is much more than a blessing when you hear them
when feeling like the smallest speck on the earth

'i hope you have a very happy birthday'
'it is because you called me'

23 cards

just as you are

heart of mine
why must you stray
from one so fair
you run away
and one more time you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame

heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and he's been there all along
watching for you down the road

so come home running
his arms are open wide
his name is Jesus
and he understands
he is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are

child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Saviour's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe
of righteousness

so come home running
just as you are

chris tomlin - come home running
________________________________________

thanks to all, thanks for everything.

i feel a little stupid.
or very.

thanks for proving me wrong.

it's me who needs to learn from all of you.

waiting for a dream

opened wounds?

many things on my mind
to troubled to express
to lost to think
to confused to convey

i gave myself 10 days
any better?
i trick myself to believe that it is
________________________________________

happy birthday?
i don't know if i'll be happy for this one

i'm at that age...
no material possession can make me happier

with age comes more knowledge
i don't want to know anymore
________________________________________

last week
i remember
i walked outside in the morning
i plugged in my mp3 player
and listened to the first three notes

and sank into the deepest pit
i've never felt that way before

it became worse on the subway
so many people
yet i couldn't hold it
they began to look
but i couldn't stop

i took out my pencil
and started writing

the music made it continue
_______________________________________

i know what you're going through
i won't be the one that lets go of you

when you come back down
if you land on your feet
i hope you find a way to make it back to me

i don't know if i'll make it to my feet
without a hand

everything stays in my mind
feeling in a daze on the ground
feels like it's gonna give
life's too hard to live anymore
think i've had enough things too tough
i'm out the door

falling down what you gonna do?
standing on the top of the world tonite
no one's looking back at you
stand tall
it's going to be just fine
i'm holding on today

i would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming

i would spend my nights sleeping
instead of daydreaming

only if i knew
i would have a sweet dream tonite

sweet dreams.

**

**thoughts closed for repair

ouch

my stomach is constantly gnawing away at me...

sadly i'll be seeing the doctor again today...so i gotta leave work early

my own diagnosis:
stomach ulcer

reason:
anti-inflammatory drugs, stress, and anxiety

symptoms:
gnawing, aching, burning, fatigue

treatment:
hopefully the doctor knows this time
_____________________________________________

my regular doctor is on holiday
i went to doctor that i think isn't great
i see him for 5 minutes, and i can leave
he said it's not what i diagnosed
probably something else

getting xrays next week

i'm alright...

maybe i'm not...
but ah well.

i guess when the 31 days are up...
i can't ask for more?
it was a really great 31 days
thanks.

maybe i'm dreaming
it's a nice dream though
maybe i'll wake up.

here

so much beauty in life
shining on the outside
empty on the inside
i get lost sometimes
blinded by the flashing lights
distractions always in my eyes

so i'm following the sound,
the sound of my heart

you can take it all away
i don't need it
underneath
i'll still be the same

coming in with nothing, leaving with the same
it's all inside
coming in with nothing, the only thing that saves
is here inside

ryan cabrera - take it all away
_________________________________________


6 years...i cried
6 years...

what have i done in these 6 years
i felt a little more than useless
a little more than shameful
a little more than sad

'you've accomplished nothing and you haven't amounted to much'

nobody i can open to
nobody i can talk to

the bridges i form
i break all on my own

nothing to fall back on
nobody to fall back on

i know i am where i am
because you want me to be here

you have my heart

you have my heart 
and i am yours forever
you are my strength
God of grace and power

and everything you hold in your hand
still you make time for me
i can’t understand
praise you God of earth and sky
how beautiful is your unfailing love
unfailing love

and you never change God you remain
the Holy One
my unfailing love
unfailing love

you are my rock
the one i hold on to
you are my song
and i sing for you

still you make time for me
i can't understand
______________________________________

after a long day of work
i didn't want to go home yet
so i walked around the mall
getting some B vitamins

on the crowded subway home
i ran into someone from church

i was really happy to see her
because i haven't talked to her in a long time
her husband and kids have moved and changed churches

how much God has blessed her life
i could see it in the way she told me today
in the short thirty minute ride

her husband has been studying to become a pastor
a major decision to make

no regrets
no resentment
no bitterness
just following
just trusting
just relying

because of her husbands calling
she has been carrying the family's finances
she works long hours
and she spends less time with her family
they have had to move
the children had to switch
from private to public school

i told her a little about myself

she reminded me to be thankful
to know that God is in control

listening to others often helps
put my own life into perspective

=)

found you.