amidst a thought

i've just notice that whenever a new michael w smith cd comes out, i'm in quite a sad state. coincidence? maybe he just knows when i need his music, or maybe i run to his music when in dire need.
just as i run to God when i am in need, but i am changing...as people do.

talking to my friend led to some insight on myself...that i've changed. the older i get, the more i discouraged and disheartened i have become. the world is a dark place, five years ago the thought would have never entered my mind. i told him that i no longer listen to happy music, and i paused to wonder why. i remember making discs called 'happy songs' haha...how naive i see myself back then. but i would, without a doubt or second thought, return to being like how i was just a few years back. gotta keep looking forward.

quite the long day. too much thinking on mondays. think think think...and think fast...glad it's almost over...i could use some zzz's

now looking back to greek architecture for new inspiration for thesis...i hope it will lead somewhere.

snap out of it

from my devotion...

'then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said 'get up and eat.' 1 kings 19:5

when depressed, it is often best to simply do something ordinary. God has always been in the ordinary things. we want to see him in a glorious vision, but we are more likely to see him in the simple sharing of a meal with a friend. we often see God in places we never thought he'd be. when we find him there, it's the first step on our way out of darkness.

it's okay to feel down.
take your time.
then get up.
get up and live.

yes sir!

picking up the pieces

on my way to recovery.

mending the shattered.

i'm finding out who i am and who i want to be.

the Lord is kind.
he heard my cry.

showed me what to do.

it only gets better from here.

pull me through

sometimes i wonder if my beating heart has a reason
the thought of breathing only takes my breath away
i've spent so many nights wrestling with this feeling
do i have the strength to make it through the day

sometimes i wonder if the road i'm on has a reason
it's hard to go on, when you just don't know
we can shoulder all the weight of life between us
until the fear of what we cannot see is gone

but i was never meant
to walk this road alone
i can always trust you
when you say

i will carry you
be your strength
pull you through
reach for me
take my hand
we will pray
and we will stand
in a world
crying out for peace
let your heart be srong
for when i am weak
you will carry me.

there's a river of sorrow running through my heart.

not myself

i was never like this...
in the state that i am in.
it's not good.
not good at all...
nights drag on...and on...
i have time to spend...unlike before...
so i start thinking and doing things that i don't usually do...
too much time thinking is bad right now.
the more i think, the more i worry,
like a snowball gaining speed...

i'm carrying heavy burdens.
but then again, i remember writing before,
that God doesn't give burdens to carry on your own.

if you have the will...
pray for me.

human spark

i thank michael w smith once again for his wonderful music,
new cd 'healing rain'

there's a river,
of sorrow,
running through my heart,
through the long night i will follow
the glimmer in the dark,
Lord you are the human spark.

---

great day today,
the sun was out...weather was good...spring is fast approaching.
good times at lunch...haha...

light and dark

revelation from devotion.

'I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart, I have overcome the world.' John 16:33

blessings cannot be appreciated if there is no trouble.
can't appreciate light without being in the dark.
when everything that can go wrong, does, God is there
will he reach down and pick us up out of the muck and mire?
not always,
but he did promise to be in the muck and mire with us
and guide us through until we have a solid footing.

life is bad.
God is there.
Life is good.
God is there.

i'm out of the muck.

at last

true tears came to my eyes.
real...needed...long overdue...tears.
i'm glad they did...

would this be my healing rain?

when i looked upon my own words,
'Lord don't let me go'
i just couldn't help myself.

there's hope beyond the struggle
you were trying to be so strong
you've been waiting for so long
the miricle would never come
heaven's holding every tear you cry
just hold on.

i'm trying ever so hard to...cheer up

don't let me go

you painted me a picture of tomorrow
a world without dispare and shadows
i believe that there is somewhere
where the angels fill the sky
and i believe we'll live forever

you painted me a picture of believing.

in need of healing rain,
to sooth the pain,

Lord don't let me go.
you have carried me in my time of need.

its been fine

lately i dove into myself again, thinking, what's going on?
reflecting upon what's happening around me. what i'm doing, what i'm not doing. day in, day out.
in the song it goes, 'i've sat in this seat for hours' but i'm not reading my book, i'm reading my lifestory.
the day ended well yesterday although being quite blue in its entirety.
but then again, it stirred up apprehension.

aside from that
i was asked my chinese name yesterday...haha...and i'm being called leon once again, brings back memories...to go back in time...where everything can be simple.

wherever we turn, wherever we face, i hope fond memories stir.
reminding us of lasting moments.

to meet you

how about some nice lyrics...

it's five miles till i see my lover
i guess you could say that she's more than that
i've been sat in this seat now for hours
reading my book like a map
yeah these windows are crying
and this train is dying
to meet you

this train is filled with emotions
they all make me think about you
when we pass these old desert stations
i want to go there with you
it's four miles and counting
and my hands are shouting to meet you
to meet you is fine
for i know you're all mine
waiting is nice, i can think of her eyes
these tracks can lead
just to one place
and your face
that i kiss and embrace when i meet you
i'm wondering if you will ever come with me
and we can play husband and wife
we could waltz around this globe and its mystery
then rest till the end of our lives
yeah its 2 miles and closing
and i'm overdosing on you

yeah these windows are crying
and this train is dying to meet you

lyrics by teitur

another day

i haven't much to reflect on these days.

drifting off

so...this is the year i graduate.
i'm having this feeling that i don't want to go to school again, or start work.
what other options are there? is that it?
maybe just do nothing and waste away...although that doesn't sound too enticing either.
i'd like to travel somewhere for a while...see the world. that would be nice.
just to get away from this all too familiar canadian landscape of suburban housing polluting the ever flat landscape.

contemplating other options.
or just dreaming of.

the last child

the colour and format of this blog looks almost exaclty like my portfolio, sad that i just notice and except that the portfolio has more pictures than words, but the green is a perfect match. i've just finished my final application package and ready to send it off. no longer is it in my hands.

finally i can focus on other things and stop working on the portfolio which can only get better. i had a great time making it and putting it together, and i learned much more from others in the process.

plenty to do tonite...to show profs process tomoro.

i need some time to just stop to reflect on what i'm doing.

i found out that when i'm not physically in front of my computer, i can come up with many ideas and i can plan out my schedule strategically. away from the computer and tv definitely helps in gathering thoughts.

preparing for

the weekend quickly wraps up as i rush to prepare for my busiest day of the week. monday.
i've been pushing thesis back everyday, until now. once i started...these ideas kept flowing out onto paper. i think it's because i took a nap today...haha...a rare occurance. i'm prepared for a plethora of reconstruction.

looking forward to...
winterlicious
keane concert
walking outside in the summer with the sun shining while eating ice cream

introspection

i engaged in an hour long editing session today of my statement of interest and biographical statement. the three words that were used to better my writings include: introspection, refocusing, and consistency.
i think i've lost my knack for writing as a means of expression. i forgotten many of the basic principles of writing a good paper. i'm glad somebody finally pointed it out to me. the hour session of pointing out my problems with writing will definitely benefit me for many days to come.

through this period of introspective thinking, my main question will be why do i like architecture? what is it that makes me unique in the field? how will i contribute?
these difficult questions that require me to dig deep.

Verse of the Day

"[God] has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:19 and 20

take some time for introspection.

rock and sand

today, my message to the kids was recorded in Matthew 7:24-29

The Wise and Foolish Builders
24“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.
I thought that it was a great passage to teach being an architecture student and the recent tsunami. building a house on a solid foundation versus sand. putting Jesus's words into practice is like building a house on rock.

what's on my desk at the current moment?
kareoke dvd's
plies of music cd's
reference letters, general letters, payment letters, receipts
transcripts
candy
markers, highlighters, knives, pens, pencils, erasers, calc
scale, clear and metal x2 rulers
post-it's everywhere
note cases, binder
folders upon folders
thesis model, study model
24 x 36 plan drawing of thesis building
tracing, bond, and vellum paper
huge 'phaidon atlas of contemporary arch', 'massive change' by bruce mau, 'office building' book
camera
recent episode LOST video tape
masking, clear, scotch, double-sided, and orange tape

SHOOT!
that's too much on a table!

to be organized

sleeping to 11:00 is becoming a habit.
i set my clock at 10:00 but sleep an extra hour.
i think it's almost time i set a third alarm clock and put it far far away...

as i read 'ordering your private word' it began to relate to me very much
symptoms of disorganization:
condition of car dirty on inside and outside - i cleaned inside not too long ago...outside...it's winter
become aware of a diminution in my self-esteem - yup
series of forgotten appointments, telephone messages to which i have failed to respond - no
i tend to invest my energies in unproductive tasks - definitely, writing this has got to be one..haha
feel poor about their work - occasionally
disorganized christians rarely enjoy intimacy with God - guilty as charged
quality of personal relationships - could be much better

although i don't really think these are all the traits of being disorganized, there are many more.

i know i am disorganized when my desk becomes a warzone, and post-it notes are everywhere
rite now it's quite chaotic...but i just took an hour yestday cleaning it

tell me something new

it was surprising that somebody parked in my spot today at the condo.
so told security...
he didn't do much...
or anything
so i parked in visitors
when i came back from school,
the car was still in the spot with no notice or warning that it would be towed.

mailed my second child away to vancouver today
feeling a bit worse after every package is sent.

o...and it's quite sad to see how much my english needs to improve.?
i no longer feel confident in editing papers

tsunami killed so many people, does anything matter?
one minute here, the other gone

here we go again

so it's over.
now let the good times begin.
tues and thurs OFF!
how nice is that....school, no school, school, no school, school, no school
as usual i'll be stuck at my U-shaped desk from tomoro onward...

o...bush sucks. after watching fahrenheit 9/11, he's quite the idiot.
so clueless...give me a break.

i got my second porfolio printed...it takes roughly two hours to get it printed and cut.
one more to go.

reminder 1: pick up transcripts
reminder 2: get letter from kap and zone
reminder 3: thank, agree, breathe

guess again

and so i thought i was done.
haha...what a joke.
there's so much more to do.
so many things i didn't notice.
i didn't really take a second look at my portfolio carfully.
giving it to my friend to edit today totally opened my eyes.
she gave me such good pointers and tips.
and revised all the words and pictures giving suggestions for almost everything.
so i'm here changing the stuff...and it does look better.
getting critiqued left and right.
it's good when people see things that need to change or seem wrong that they speak up and not letting things just pass because they fear that it would be hurtful or else nothing would be improved. thought of the day.
it's 3:00am....ahhhhhhhhhh...
i've passed my usual 2:00 am sleep time.
it's changed for special reasons.
to get this thing done...i'll sleep at 4:00am tonite.
feeling alright.

some done more to go

statement of interest and biographical statement done...1000 words finally written. now i can better explain myself.
next comes the cirriculum vitae and awards, achievements, and distinctions? ay...well it won't be that hard...i don't have too many awards...ha.
i hope to print my portfolio and go through that entire process again tomoro...yuck
break time.

this is christmas

to set the mood
listening to debussy's claire de lune
feeling the warmth from an appreciative friend
a genuine smile.
what better to do than to catch up with a long time friend on christmas day.
a friend i call my tutor.
i've known her since i was fourteen, now twenty-two.
taught me more than i actually know.
the arts inspired by her, the maths and sciences
on living life, on outlook, on people.
we talked more over dinner, for my parents were gone and my brother was out.
her son was out, husband left, father passed, now taking care of her mother.
to endure is what i have learned from her.
the gifts may not even secondary,
she gave me a poem she composed.

excerpts:

christmas at our house

if i decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,
strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
but do not show love to my family,
i'm just another decorator.

if i trim the spruce with shimmering angels
and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of
holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata
but do not ponder on the true meaning of love, i have
missed the point.

love stops the cooking to hug the child.
love is kind, it does not demand its own way.

------------------------------------------

a gift is not a gift if there is no thought.
a smile is not a smile if it is not genuine.
christmas is not christmas if without Jesus.

taking the time
and as my tutor, i think i should call teacher, taught me to take the time,
watch the clouds change,
talk to people, not computers,
mend the bonds.
encouragement warms the heart.

where is it? where am i?

driving was so bad today.
here's another situation i always find myself in.
saying yes to do something or go somewhere,
saying yes is very easy for me.
i'll say yes to most things.
because saying no disappoints people.
so here i am
when i've said yes to go somewhere.
i started driving there
but one quarter of the way
i didn't have enough confidence in driving through the
snow and ice ridden roads
when especially the lines couldn't be seen
and the ride was constantly bumpy.
suddenly in my head i'm reminded so many things
first it goes 'where is your faith?'
then i remember hearing on the news
'by tonite, whats fallen on the ground will turn to ice.'
then goes again 'but where is your faith?'
'but it's so far away.'
i struggled
and so i called my pastor,
to tell him that i think it's too dangerous to be driving
that i saw people slipping and i wasn't going to get there
here i am
yet another disappointment
i think i know
because i know what it feels
to be disappointed.

half and half

i ran straight into a very awkward moment at the end of a party.
i don't think i'll ever learn how to or understand how to do this.
or to do it at all ever again.
i'm sure many people have ran into this before.
you've either borrowed or lent out money.
so i spent some money for the entire group for the project. it's not like a tiny amount, substantial i guess.
and i asked for the money back from a couple people who didn't remember at all.
first time, 'don't have enough money'
twice, 'okay i'll bring it the next time i see you'
so i was hoping it would be remembered.
nope.
forgot.
anyways
the third time, still forgot about it but managed to borrow from others to pay me back...
making me feel strange
thinking that i am doing something wrong.
am i?

anyways...
fun day.
it felt like i mailed my child away today. my application to mcgill. it was not the fun part of the day. working on that portfolio for so long made me very attached to it. i didn't want to send it. so what if only one ryerson student has been accepted into mcgill's architecture masters program in ten years. so? haha...
anyways. i'm prepared for rejection. i am.
watched supersize me
and sang some k
and ate some dessert.

bleeh

a bit cramped.
where is the holiday? really...
i feel like i've been working on homework more than having a holiday.
gotta finish setting up party stuff tomoro.
clean this, buy that, fix this, move that.
call call...more call.

tomoro is one hectic day.
bleehhh...

holiday hassles

ay.

so back to the character thing.
so i submitted the paragraphs to my prof and he then wanted me to write something more general.

arg...i was in a hurry to leave school
so i quickly wrote some stuff in 30 min...it's really hard to write about myself.
and must be good stuff about myself. very not used to doing that. a bit awkward.
but it was done, and after all the printing problems i found my mentor professor in her office and asked if she could print it using her computer. she let me.
but then, prof was not in his office no more, prob out to lunch so i left it in his mailbox.
what a hassle.

then it was christmas shopping...that's why i was in a hurry to leave school...haha..
wan't too successful in all the shopping. but got some good presents.

the day finished with plenty of gaming.
dizzy.

character

As a student I have always strived to better myself. Through these four years of studying architecture, I have learned much more than design and construction, I have begun to understand the complexities of human nature. Besides the learning component, through these four years, I searched for a true calling appropriate to my strengths, a pursuit that I can strive for. Although I cannot ascertain that I have exactly found my calling and whether I can persist in it, I know I will not compromise my morals and values. I believe that I constitute of a strong sense of justice, and even when I am disadvantaged, I will act according to my principles.

This sense of justice has led to my thesis. It has led to a place where possibly one day I could pursue my career. That place would be inside my thesis building, as a person who would mediate with clients and user groups to design suitable architecture. The book that I purchased this year has led me to the conclusion that good design belongs to everybody. Yet ‘good design’ has always been a controversial topic. That book is entitled, ‘Good Deeds, Good Design.’

I am a practical person, who believes that design is not meant to complicate this world futher, but rather to make it a more plesent and livable. Throughout these four years I have seen projects that are unnecessarily complex and, what I think, excessive. My design intent is to create memorable and unique spaces that are understandable. These would be places that would contain intriguing and meaningful details and gestures reflecting those of Carlo Scarpa.

my professor requested that i write these paragraphs.
contributions are not only from myself,
but from many many others
and the one who has made me unique.
thanks.

badge of success = stress?

i thought i had lost yet another friend of mine for good.
persistent i was in looking,
and finally i found.
a long conversation led me to understand everything has been the same.
good stuff! (my new catch phrase)

today my venture to school for reference letters proved a success.
i was only hoping to find two of my profs at school,
and there they were, all three of them, in the places i looked.
everything went well.

holiday...i'm supposedly on holiday...ya right.

yesterday even when i was real tired i kept reading...
the above sentence proves the authors point.
tired, but kept going.

'has it occurred to you how often we talk about our fatigue? i sometimes have the feeling that if i don't tell my friends how tired i am they will doubt i am doing anything worthwhile. try telling someone that you feel great, that you are at the top of your game, that you've never been better. the chances are that they will suspect that you're putting them on...that you lack sincerity.'

'how did we get to a day when stress and fatigue are almost a badge of success?'

in the 'older days' the author writes, people did get tire, but they didn't constantly complain of the exhaustion we hear about today.

not shocking,

and so?
i'll have to find out when i continue to read...
why sleep when i can read

wrestling for peace

been reading a book called 'ordering your pirvate world'
gordon macdonald
late in the night in bed before i sleep
i've been prone to sleep at 2 am everyday
i think it's happening unconsciously
the book explains how in the 21st century we all live on the 'surface'
in constant focus on the 'outer world'
i'm especially a surface person.
i'm not comfortable going beyond the surface
'is there a private world beneath the noise and action at the surface?
can strength and resilience be developed that will bear up under the growing pressure at the surface?'
'the busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others. to be unavailable to our friends and family, to be unable to find time for the sunset, to whiz thorugh our obligations without time for a single mindful breath, this has become the model of a successful life.'
now i'm quite glad i took the time in watching the christmas tree.
my private world is not in total shambles.
one part in the book especially related to me, reminding me of just a few weeks back.
'...more than a few of us have experienced the same pressure from the outer world, crowding in upon us to such an extent that we wondered if some sort of death would not be desireable. during such moments we ask ourselves about the strenght of our reserves-whether we can keep on going, whether it is worth it to keep pressing. in short, we are not sure there is enough spiritual, psychic, or physical energy to keep moving at the pace we are presently trying to maintain.'
is it because i'm working too hard? no, for sure not. it's a combination of many things going on in the inner world that i can't deal with.
'for a few hours, perhaps for a few days (for me, i think it's recurring hours and days), there is a numbness. all the resolve is gone. self-confidence disapprears. it seems as if there will be no tomorrow.'
being forced to the very bottom of one's soul,
i ask why.
surface world seems orderly,
but beyond it,
who knows

opposite moments

the switchfoot concert.
mosh: to knock against others intentionally while dancing at a rock concert.

well i don't think it can be called dancing on wed.
more like jumping, nudging, pushing.
quite the experience.
my first moshing concert.
the line up was so long to get in.
waiting outside in the cold to get into the koolhaus.
when inside, it started getting crazy,
the first band wasn't that great
but when switchfoot came on,
the crowd got hysterical,
the loud shrieks, people just pushing their way forward,
i screamed my lungs out to some songs.
good songs.
when the lead singer jumped into the crowd to do some body surfing
my friend said she supported his behind...haha...
another funny thing was that there was this middle aged woman who brought her husband and son of no more than 12 years old
she was screaming behind me so loud...haha...

i spent some time today just lying on the couch watching the christmas tree.
how nice.

get applications started!

first day

my first official day of holiday
the day started with peaceful sleep till noon.
then a gradual wake up followed by rushed dim sum
then went to choose finishes for brother's new home
after that was shopping, shopping, and more shopping?
dinner out
then the christmas decorations went up
outdoor lights and two indoor trees

the topic of mingling
mingling 101

mingle: to mix or bring together in combination, usually without loss of individual characteristics.
so that's what it means
i learned yesterday that the beginning stage of a conversation needs to be have the other person to answer questions that will be responded by 'yes'
a few of those 'yes, ya, yup' questions will get the person into an affirmative notion, which is good.
that way, conversation will be easier to make.

flying furniture

the snow, the snow
driving through the snow. how fun.

i've seen my share of bad drivers.
today on john street on my way home from school with my buddy in the passenger seat the truck in front had its back door open
i thought that was okay, no problem, the things looked tied down.
haha...no.
stopped at a red light.
when it turned green,
the truck accelerated, and the stuff inside shifted a bit.
okay, stay back
then it acclerated some more,
plunk! crash! bang!
furniture came crashing down onto the road, and smashed into pieces
glad i stayed back.
not the end.
so the truck driver does not notice anything wrong.
furniture on john street, i pass to the next lane and continue
now trying every which way to tell the guy the furniture is flying off the truck!
my buddy is flailing his arms out the window
i'm constantly beeping
the guy doesn't bother to slow down
okay
reached another red light and this time i stopped beside
still trying to get some sense into this deranged driver
he points at himself mouthing the words 'i can't hear you'
by that point i'm screaming 'open your window!'
'furniture has been flying out your truck!'
'the door isn't closed?' he responds
'NO!!!'
he swears and gets out of the truck to close the back door
swears some more
and asks 'so is the furniture blocking the road?'
'YES!!!'

highlight of the day.

the other part of the day was spent with elementry school kids
it makes me appreciate the work of teachers

what a night

what a night.

never driven downtown,
never parallel parked downtown,
never mingled for so long,
never talked to a drunk or drunks...haha,
never wore a 70's blazer,
never been simultaneouly hired and fired and hired,
never been encouraged and praised so repeatedly,

happened all yesterday
so architects do know a thing or two about throwing parties,
choosing the hippest hotel in TO
none other than the drake

very difficult for me make small talk, especially to strangers, many awkward moments, where glazed eyes were looking into glazed eyes.

Ag my mentor is coolest and 'absolutely' --> she likes that word, the best.
SRP rocks!

let the good times roll

what a wonderful day yesterday
the jazz exchange concert, a fine mix of japanese and canadian artists at their best, at the top o' the senator...asukaaa
i've never experienced live jazz before...very nice
the thesis presentation went well, although i'm quite disappointed at professors who didn't hold back, and gave unconsiderate tounge lashings.
these presentations and comments have a great effect on us.
still i slept at 2am but this time, woke up at 12...no alarms

lately i've been introduced to such variety in music from friends who have a true appreciation of music ...this week was indie pop rock, to live jazz, to tonite? who knows what, and next wed which will be christian alternative....all very good

party on.

almost there

this term comes quickly to an end.
half of fourth year, the last year, gone.
can't wait to get some more sleep. yawn...
going down to the rivoli tomoro to watch a gig raising money for children affected by aids in africa. office party on saturday...switchfoot concert on the 8th...whoohoo!
can't wait.
after all this fun
then comes the time
to make changing life decisions
yet,
then again,
it's not up to me
not at all

cannonball

so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words i long to hear

lyrics by damien rice

delicate

so why d'ya fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d'ya sing hallelujah
if it means nothin' to ya
why d'ya sing with me at all?

lyrics by damien rice

cold snow

the snow is falling
the decorations still need to be set up in the house.
to be done after the 3rd.
everything...push back after the 3rd.

29 community outreach design presentation
1 outreach design centre report
3 is thesis schematic design presentation

hope for the best
prepare for the worst
take whatever comes my way with a grin.

wet ground

wet ground and the snow is still not falling
circumstances are alarming, darling
the future is just a word, that's how i recall it
the past is much more present in our yawning

if you are to change your mind
don't think i'll forget where i have been
i'll stay till this torment's over
and i know not where i'm going
make it easy on me please

lyrics by sondre lerche

i set myself up today.
to be hurt.
and hurt i am.

light my path

i know i need to get plenty of work done on my 'two days off'
it's getting somewhere...but not as far as i would like...boo

i feel comforted when the other day when asked about masters by my friend in studio
i yelled out 'i'm lost'
then i heard 'i'm lost too'
and 'me too'
and 'yea'

our heads drooped in the air
silence for mere moments

all of us seeming quite doubtful
the fear of rejection is far to great

it's like working for 4 years on a project to finally be rejected in the end

here we go again trying determine our lives
or have our live be determined by others

just finished watching 'lost' today
i can somewhat relate to the characters

light on my path once again

bringing back

internet decided not to work for couple days.
i decided to continue to work everyday.

bring back myself
bring back the happy
bring back the one who takes the time
bring back the one who looks people in the eyes
bring back the smile
bring back the calm
bring back me

me?

taking a break from model building...
visited this site:

http://noracom.net/eng/fortune/fortune.php

red wolf person is cheerful, pure and amiable.
however, you don't like interference (who does?), and because you yourself don't depend on others, you give the impression of being gruff and abrupt. (yea..i think so)
you are born with luck, and will be recognized socially and economically. (um..?)
you don't like to suck up to your boss. (uhh? i don't think should be called sucking up...if i had a choice i would rather be the boss)
you have a strong sense of justice, and even if you would be disadvantaged, you will act according to your principles. (for sure)
You guard your responsibility precisely, and your cautiousness at work will get you trust of the others. (i try)
The weakness is you tend to get bored easily. (i try to like being bored, a necessity in today's world)
and being clumsy makes it difficult to become successful in the society, but if you meet a boss who would understand you, luck will come by. (i hope)
you are good at producing original ideas, and are never out of new ideas and unique plans. (yea!)
you have the power to put that into action as well. (whohoo!)
you can carry out a race to be number one in areas that you are good at. (true, i don't race in anything i'm not good at)
so, you are suited to become a specialist. (uh huh)
even if you change jobs, you are able to accumulate knowledge, and will develop your own career. (sounds good)

so much.

i don't feel like being myself...
so much stored up.
so much.
i've been pondering why i'm constantly in pain.
stress?
it leads to tension.
why all the stress?
so many things i can't write.
but stored up in the head.
so much.
why all the hurt?
i don't want to keep it in there anymore.
can i press delete?
i think i need a long train ride.
one that takes 10 years.

my strength my song

as i embarked on the journey yesterday to 'yonge street mission' i didn't really know what to expect. but i expected the worse senarios. having to wake up at 7:00am on a saturday is quite dreadful. serving breakfast to children and conversing with them was really quite the experience. it was a diverse group of children around 20 of them. i could defintely see God working through them. a sad thing i don't often see in myself. when i remember people, i remember the lasting impression. i see in my 'mind's eye' open smiles. warm and friendly. it definitely makes me want to go back. where i know they seek things than themselves. i felt very comfortable and definitely welcome. one of the workers there that led the gym activity was quite an inspiration. i was thanked, he did not know my name, nor what i did to help, nor who i was, but thanked. i'm glad i woke up to go. again, i am humbled.

my hope is in the name of the Lord.

100 - 99 = 1

verge of breaking down.

i feel i'm beginning to crumble.
the sand and soil of my tower is slowly beginning to loosen.
everything seems to pull me apart.
everything.
the facade is melting away.
the structure being revealed.
it was not deemed steady at the beginning.
miscalculations were the cause.
1 + 1 = 5?
nothing is adding up.
I had my first coffee of the term.
yuck. >_<*

shocking

yesterday's shock recorded today

shock 1
after reading the syllabus for the COP course, seeing that two things were due the next day worth 40% of the course. Our group has not discussed or even met for the project. we don’t seem to worry, or at least I don’t seem to worry about my electives. after arriving to school i found out that nothing was due the next day. prof was generous to give an extension.

shock 2
right after finding out about the extension – I received an e-mail my mentor and previous co-worker. she told me she resigned. utterly shocked. she wrote that she was sad to leave, but happy that she had another job. I think she probably found a new and maybe even better job so she decided to leave and even mentioned that she intends to start her own office. So I now must work things out with her as soon as possible. she asked if i would be interested in working together.

shock 3
my RA hours are up. I had a maximum of 74 hours I could work for prof. I told prof that I’ve used all the hours for which I can get paid. prof said bleep, face and eyes turned red. well prof is having a stressful week and told me that he is trying to get me a new position. no more RA….it will be TA+AA. The pay would double. prof said that if i can’t get that position, he will pay me out of his pocket. more hours of work….@_@

all in all the day has been rough.
I don’t know whether to categorize these things as good or bad.

there’s fallback, there’s opportunity.

I'm looking in the mirror thinking, 'what are you doing?'

twenty four

twenty four oceans. twenty four skies. twenty four failures. twenty four tries. twenty four finds me in twenty-fourth place. twenty four drop outs at the end of the day. life is not what i thought it was twenty four hours ago. still i'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. and i'm not who i thought i was twenty four hours ago. twenty four reasons to admit that i'm wrong. with all my excuses still twenty four strong. i'm not copping out. when You're raising the dead in me. i am the second man. and you're raising these twenty four voices with twenty four hearts with all of my symphonies in twenty four parts. but i want to be one today. centered and true i'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. You're raising the dead in me. i want to see miracles, see the world change. wrestled the angel, for more than a name. for more than a feeling. for more than a cause. i'm not copping out.
switchfoot - 24
elegant song.

an hour was gained, 24 was lost.

think fast, act faster

have you ever wondered how fast you think? pay attention to yourself. how fast is it? like right now. i was noticing today how fast i was thinking. whoa. and especially when i'm under just a little pressure, they become much faster.

i demand a brain break

no seat on the subway during rush hour after several hours of RAing till 6:00
for several minutes i tried not to think...saying 'don't think of anything' just focus on something and don't think. didn't work. thinking about not thinking. how stupid. well that's the subway what it's like to be on the subway when tired and cramped.

speaking of thinking
i had to think fast during my presentation of my site analysis. didn't prepare at all what to say. i figured i knew the site well. so i made up my entire presentation on the spot hoping maybe i'd cover most things. turns out i didn't cover them all. one professor like interuppting my train of thought. it went well. i was able to speak of all the main points.

fast forward please

looking forward the extra hour on saturday...i think that's all i have to look forward to.

the play was really interesting and i was very excited to see a play, since i think it has been in high school since i've seen a play. so much archi jargon which totally perplexed and blew right passed me. i was so surprised how the actors can remember their lines of such complex vocabulary and saying their sentences in one long breath. definitely a surprise ending as i was warned before seeing it. shocking. it was about a korean architecture student being crit by three professors, the audience being the other students listening to the crit. the play for sure is really close to what i'm doing and what i will be doing. being crit, and defending myself the best i can with words. as my boss once put, they'll be shooting arrows and i'll be fending them off. hopefully they don't aim to kill.

i thought group work was an afterthought in fourth year, well at least bad groups. but i was wrong. horrible groupwork i must say haunts me today, well i believe it will be my last bad group for university. totally disorganized and i had no control over what was happening at all.

thesis site analysis due friday...!! ahhhhh...need to do booklet, presentation board, model, and massing design by friday...ahhhh...

here i am yawning.

heart mind soul

thank the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul.
thanks.

beauty in the broken

i got to go inside a creepy building today. a neo-classical building constructed 100 years ago which has been left vacant for 20 years. the building is part of my thesis site. the first responce was, 'whoa what is this place.' it looked like a dump. being vacant for so many years only makes sence because the building was in horrible shape. after my friend joined to help me take measurements of the building, each moment exploring felt like we were in some horror movie. it felt like something was about to pounce at every moment. i didn't know i needed a flashlight to explore the building, nor did the flashlight on the picnic table in the banking hall work. we were only able to travel into the spaces with natural light, most of the windows were boarded up. the agent told me that street people have been living inside a few years back and the walls have been marked and damaged significantly. it was definitely quite the memorable experience as an architecture student. quite the exciting trip.

the rest of the day dragged along.

tomorrow going see play among friends

sigh of relief

finally positive signs arising amongst many negative ones.
thesis is now about site analysis. it's all about the location.
i know that restoring a historic building will be extremely challenging, and building a new one in conjunction would prove even more difficult. surprisingly i was granted the privilege of entering the 100 year old neo-classical building led by one of the agents trying to sell it. then i would actually know what to preserve. and i found the student who worked on the same site now in michigan doing masters, who responded to me in one hour giving me advice and recommending books.

'all of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.' Pascal

how disappointing

i heard one week ago from a friend.
the day before thanksgiving on monday.
and now it has finally sank in.
'he just doesn't want to disappoint you.'
and it felt so true.
i never thought of it that way.
i'm sure many people live a life trying to appease others.

who wants to disappoint?
failing to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of others.
many times i do.

anyways, on a lighter note, i think i always write in a very serious and heavy tone. ay...

today as we waited for sunday school to start in the food court next door watching children's cartoons...they've adapted so much to the modern world.

'you can't make footprints in the sands of time sitting down.'

get up.

picking up hope

weather does relate to mood.

went to school for what seemed like five minutes today to hand a project.
my request has been answered.
rain down on me.

as i finish another part of the thesis
i strain to continue working.
again lacking motivation.
no foreseeable goal ahead.
that's the way i work.
i need a carrot in front of me.
but sadly it dropped
and i don't feel like walking anymore.
i'm questioning myself
and this questioning drags me down.

i read to regain my thoughts.
i picked up mere christianity by c.s. lewis
and flipped through and stopped at a chapter labled 'hope'
' most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. there are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. the longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or the first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning can really satisfy.'
are we supposed to constantly chase till we reach the rainbow's end?
will we ever reach it?
when we finally realize we cannot grasp it we no longer expect anything more than we have.
is heaven just something we look towards to keep that carrot from falling down?
it is not some mere form of wishful thinking.
we have been trained to keep our eyes fixed on this world
yet heaven cannot be characterized by anything of this world, not harps nor gold nor crowns
these are mere symbols of this world.
'creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for these desires exists'
as i finish, i pick up my motivation
and continue walking.

feels like blah

feel like doing nothing.
but still got to do it.
just as i must breath.
as i must eat.
sleep.

time to OBC!
yippie!

a fall full of colour

i think i've done many good things over these few days. i'm now afraid of using the word good. it has come up so many times these past months. what is good. everybody see's 'good' differently....ah....such a complex world we are in. good is now like beauty. what's good to one may be bad to another. so good is in the mind of the beholder.

i've caught up on plenty of sleep these few days. i think i'm finally out of my sleep debt, however i'm not in surplus yet. i hope not to be in it either. i have the tendancy to sleep over my alarm whenever i know that i don't have anything i have to go to or do.

wednesday was actually the beginning of my thanksgiving holiday. it's already been three days. nice. i must say that i haven't been really productive in my school work, but i've been productive in going out. nice. it's been a while since i've watched a movie. i watched one yesterday and one today! ahh...i'm over quota. i'm glad that i got a chance to meet up with many of my friends this week too. it's always good to catch up.

a thanksgiving dinner party tomoro and i don't know what to bring yet! gotta think of something fast...maybe fast food. i don't think they'll appreciate it though...not like i would either. i'm glad that i've also switched my meeting with my prof to tomoro instead of thanksgiving day since i'll be downtown for dinner anyways. i'm glad he was glad to switch.

i'm thankful.

Lord have your way

not going to show weakness
i'm gonna smile
and tell the whole world i'm fine
i'm gonna keep my senses

there must be more than this,
breath of God come breathe within,
there must be more than this,
spirit of God we wait for You.
fill us anew we pray.
consuming fire fan into flame,
a passion for Your name,
spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,
come like a rushing wind,
clothe us with power from on high,
now set the captives free,
leave us abandoned to Your praise.
Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.
stir it up in our hearts Lord,
stir it up in their hearts Lord,
stir it up in my heart Lord,
a passion for Your name.
rain on me.

hillsongs - consuming fire

to be a kid again

today for the community outreach program we got to do the children's charette at church street public school. quite an experience. it brings me back to my childhood....was i like that when i was small? is the question i would always come to. one of the groups fought over the name of their team and one girl cried over having the word 'the' out of the team name from 'the white tigers' eventually becoming 'white tiger' eventually becoming 'fast white tigers' which everybody was happy with. i witnessed the segregation, and the leaving out of people, and the nasty things kids do to one another. quite sad, but i guess these things make us stronger people.

yesterday had lunch with my pastor downtown, it's good to get away sometimes all of a sudden from school work. it puts things into perspective. and he help me put some things into perspective.

teaching kids also helps put life into perspective...you forget everything except working with the kids.

finding you

so here i am all by myself
thinking of you
nobody else
there's a feeling inside
and as hard as i try
it just won't go away.

miss you more each day...........

will i ever find that you to miss.
will i ever miss someone more each day.
i hope i will.

interpret this

the agony of misinterpretation
the joys of interpretation

you? you is everybody.
not just you. you = everybody.
try to interpret that...even i don't understand what i just wrote.
interpreting things and coming to conclusions quickly is not a good thing. a strong and firm basis is needed.

just like in architecture...reason is needed. if there is no reason, then criticism comes left and right. if the reason is not proven, the same conclusion will be reached. which is no conclusion at all.

why did u say that?
o...because i thought it was true.
well it isn't
o...but i thought it was.
u mean u have a bedroom in the kitchen?
i thought that's what it read.
well did u read it carefully?
no.
did u interpret it correctly?
uh?
well don't bother reading it again because that will lead to further confusion.
okay.

end of discussion.

busy procrastinating

how are you? busy?

the inevitable is occuring in everybody's lives.
free time is becoming obsolete...all of it is scheduled.
busy? i no longer think that should be asked, or answered, because it is a cliche in our day.
no longer should we answer, yes, very busy. i does nothing to the person asking and the person replying. it's only useful when asked to do something. in that case you must answer carefully. don't take on more than can be handled.

we are no longer satisfied not being busy. i think that it is viewed that if you're not busy something's wrong, yet there is nothing wrong.

for me, rite now i am not free...i have plenty of stuff going on in the back of my head that needs to be done...

as my prof asked yesterday after class
are you busy?
no...i'm free i don't have anything after your class
well in that case, do you have 10 minutes?
yup...no problem...what do u need?

haha...one of my good buddies said i have a face that screams 'USE ME!'
in a sense i'm glad.

we live in a busy culture.
and i am busy procrastinating.

day in day out

the moon is full today...
happy moon day.

woke up
brushed those teeth
got dressed
ate oatmeal and 1/4 mooncake
subwayed
community outreach program class
listened to boring presentations
did a presentation
listened to boring presentations
helped professor with computer stuff
not the RA professor but the COP prof
offered the AA position
had to decline position
ate a mini muffin drank lemonade
went to buy a jacket
got jacket
subwayed
drove home
worked dead guy poster for RA prof
watched tv
now thesisizing.

on a more exiciting note...
o...wait...there is none.
happy moon day.

the fish in the sea

i look at her she stares almost straight back at me
but her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me

i'm just standing there
i can't say a word

it's hard to take
but her mind is made up

dry your eyes

walk away now.

better?

if only today were like every other day...

naa...that would be boring.

yesterday as i watched my first 'complete' episode of joey one of the messages really hit me...there i go again analyzing things for more...but didn't take much analysis to understand what it was trying to communicate. it far surpasses the modern day thinking back to the day of cain and able. trying to better another. and in cain and able's case, if you're not better, just kill the competition. however, that doesn't work, it didn't work then and it isn't going to work now. in these frustrating days of high levels of competition, one is bound to try their best at bettering on another. especially in a school setting as it was demonstrated in joey. we may go to different depths, sink to new lows to be better. in yesterday's episode, the conclusion was quite unexpected i think. they tried so hard at bettering one another and in the end, they found out that they both felt the same way. the other was always better in some way that they needed to catch up. we are all better at some things than another person no matter how we compare. this is the way it seems at school. to better or to be bettered. is that the way? there will always be somebody better. it's time to take a break from all that bettering. just do your best, God will take care of the rest.

rain down on me

lost

i know i'm stubborn sometimes
a little rightous and too proud
i thought i had all the answers

i keep trying to find my way
i keep trying to face the day
everywhere i go i get so confused

i've seen your happiest face
i know what makes you smile
i know what gives you strength

i've seen your passion for life
i know the way you touch lives
as you've touched mine

if i could only hold your hand
and make the pain just go away.

i'm sad.
my words lost.
my dreams waking up.

brink of tears

as i read a sister's writings just 10 minutes past,
i was compelled to tears.
i feel very futile, i cannot share in her pain.
i only wish i could. i feel useless.
her beautiful words touch my soul.

if i may quote,

'Somehow I ponder, perhaps the luckiest person in the world would be one whose blessings are entirely stripped away and then returned.'

i only pray that they be returned to her, let her eat, let her drink, let her sleep. please.
your dawn will come, and once again you will be taken away from this darkness.

i'm sending out my prayers,
there's hope beyond the struggle,
you were trying to be so strong,
you've been waiting for so long,
the miricle would never come,
heaven's holding every tear you cry,
just hold on.

thursdays

i took many breaks throughout the day and night...

no school. just working in my 'office' where the desk is in disarray and the music is invigorating.
i get easily distracted though when i work at home...chores...eating...msning...small things that when combined take up a lot of time...
o...and i watched plenty of tv...i'm completely over my weeks quota...
and i better stop writing and get back to thesis writing!

i think this quote totally applies for today:
'it is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.' jerome k. jerome

enlighten me

i hope this day doesn't mark the end of summer...

went for dimsum in Chinatown...the nasty smells in the alleyways bring back many memories of my childhood...it's still the same...
after dimsum went to my office...that was fun...two of them were in a very serious meeting in the boardroom with clients...and my visit seemed to be disruptive...the others and i were having too much fun that the secretary had to come back twice like a librarian to 'shhhh' us and warn us that we were being too loud...haha...all of a sudden i think we all felt like we were in highschool. i went back to my office in search for my mentor...she's the best! 'are you serious?' she asked me...yes...i'm serious...'even though you don't have a belly and a beard, you still qualify to be my mentor' she was afraid that she couldn't 'enlighten' me on my thesis...but then right away she spent some time with me reviewing the tedious building code regarding my project...and i said 'there you go, you've just enlightened me.' she's the best.

if only everybody was as enthusiastic, enlivening, and sincere
i know i absolutely need to be more of the three things...
but hey, everybodys different...

pick me

at the end of the day yesterday i felt despondent...i didn't know exactly why...i felt i needed a total release of the mind.
there's quite a bit going on in there sometimes...and it usually all stays in there.
and so i prayed...and prayed some more...why i asked...why...
i'll get my answers i hope someday...

two songs i've been paying much attention to
the rasmus 'in the shadows'
stabilo boss 'everybody'

sometimes i can get disappointed in some people around me...but who doesn't...
illustrated in the song lyrics for 'in the shadows'
'they say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
but I, I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave'

i mean...i have morals...don't make me sink to the level of disrespect, disregard

and sometimes it feels like in the song 'everybody'

'doesn't anybody want to take another shot at me,

go ahead the gun is loaded and the bullets are for free.'

well go ahead, take your best shot.'

anyways, my days are not all that gloomy...it's just the annoying parts that are sticking in my head right now at this moment...

'doesn't anybody hate it when a street light turns red

doesn't anybody want 5 more minutes in bed

doesn't any body, doesn't anybody have a letter to send

doesn't anybody wish they had just one more friend'

my hand is in the air...

uphill climb

today was a once in a month experience...
sleeping i think 9 hours...very exciting!
finally a day without a headache knowing that i haven't slept enough...
i'm really not the person who can handle only 7 hours of sleep everyday...i wouldn't recommend it to anybody...

most have been wondering why my first week of class could be so busy...only those in rye arch know why my first week back to school could be so overwhelming
i'm RA for one of my profs, i'm really fortunate to have this job...but the thing is it's a lot of work...and i'm pouring myself out trying to finish the tasks he assigns me...it is more than i would have expected...doing that while trying to figure out my thesis topic...clarifying it...architecture...very complex...very very complex...defining a thesis...very complex...defining my thesis...very very complex...

then comes the church 15th anniversary design...leading it...i feel very happy to be selected to do a innovative and today i learned avant garde means innovative...so i was selected to do an avant garde design...i went through a proposal...group meetings...and currently going through design execution...its extremely satisfying...i hope i can be continuously reminded that it's all for God's glory and not mine...
yesterday went from 7:00am to 10:30am from school to church...i had no energy left...

it's all going well...

thesis...good prof
RA...good comments
church design...successful

i just need to rest...although i feel that if i don't put in the work...the outcomes will surely become (in very blunt terms) crappy...haha...

it's over

what? summer's over? it feels like i just found out...it still hasn't kicked in yet...maybe by tomoro when i have to wake up early it will...
it starts all over again? the labourious process starts once again...
it's time to start using that thing inside the head again...dust it off...clean off the cob webs...

the proposal's moving on slowly...but surely it's getting somewhere...

things have changed over the summer...and surely i have as well...

the summer in review:
may - rest and break thinking is this how i'm going to spend the rest of my summer?
june - granted a job at srp architects thinking is this how i want to spend the rest of my life
july - the job continues thinking i don't have anytime for anything else
august - enjoying the job thinking this has been a great experience, trying my best to overload the summer thinking school will start soon
now - almost fully recovered from being sick...i'm glad it happened at the end of my holiday rather than at the beginning or at work or when school had started.

today i learned on tv about sleep debt...the accumulation of the lack of sleep...it said that it's good to get nine and quarter hours of sleep to function well. from now on i'll try to get as much as i can...

time + ambition

i know that i can't believe
just what the path has brought me
to the man i want to be
i know that we have had sometimes
that we can't forget the struggle
cuz we have so far to go

i know we've changed but
change can be so good
so lets not forget why it's understood that
time
look where we are and what we've been through
time
sharing our dreams
time
goes on and on everyday

things will get better, and we'll soon be on our way...

i've never knew i lacked ambition
i found out
all too late
do i?
i am a canadian boy
i live in a suburban town
i'm growing up with a church
ambition seems unessesary
yet
'be all you can be'
'reach for the highest'
'go for the top'
i fear i will regret
and i know i will if i don't try
ambition, dream, aspiration
i'm calling out for direction

there's hope beyond the struggle
just hold on...

burnt out

i have finally worn myself out so much that i've become sick...
great...
i think it's a way God's telling me to stop and rest...
i've got a nasty headache, stuffy nose, sore throat...all the good stuff...
i totally over worked myself yesterday with the church anniversary preparation...and i knew something was wrong yesterday...
the design for the anniversary is turning out really well...the team has been working really hard...
as much as i would like to just sit in front of the tv...there's things to be done.......
i think i'm burnt out even before school has even started...
not a good sign...i think during school i'll get more sleep than now...