opened thoughts

one can dream

2009-06-10T22:24:00.002-04:00

certainly not too much at work though.

how did we get to june already?
really?

wow.
sure doesn't feel like summer....

and as days continue to fly by because
these permit drawings
don't let up

notes on how to run a proper architecture firm

remember good design aesthetic is the primary goal
don't let administration...contracts...endless meetings
take any away

don't let hierarchy in the office take away
the confidence in people giving their opinion
because they should all be heard and considered

keep the communication constant between colleagues
talking in the office doesn't mean that things don't get done
they probably will get done faster
getting feedback and answered questions
unless it's constant chatter about nothing

the director can do the big important things
and the small not-so-important things

how to get things done
make sure project/competition teams
are small enough to manage themselves
and not get out of hand where team members are unclear
about their responsiblities
and before the meeting ends...
make sure something critical has been decided
meetings to set future meetings...no

and of course...
be the one who doesn't know it all

we chatter about the perfect office
how it would be better somewhere else
how our office can be improved....

how we're never satisified basically...
how the grass is neon green in that office down the street...

though there is plenty justifies the unsatisfaction...

well i dream
the office i start one day with the above traits....
got to quickly finish up those exams.

among the noise

2009-04-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

times have been frustrating
as i persists and push against it
nothing seems to happen

i have always thought
i had an ability to understand people
no matter how blunt and rash
they may be
i have had a way of dealing with it
and eventually this behaviour ceases

have you ever been persistantly treated poorly
in an undeserving manner
in which people around you
cannot understand either?

i really want to sympathize with this person
yet her antagoning actions and words
and abusive illusionary power
fluster me beyond belief

it is difficult to move above and beyond it
when this is not an incident in the past
but many, persistant and fresh daily

this person
a coworker

____________________________________________

发觉这世界永远太少空间
因此花一天支配一切时间
发觉这世界永远太晒心机
因此花一天思索一切道理

消失太快捉得到太少
因此花一天感觉一切是爱茫茫人海
或有几多漂泊与淹盖
人人寻找爱
或有几多争斗与比赛
越觉得剩低几多未变的爱

慢慢地合作新诗
静静地同床午睡
再发现岁月换来几次厌闷几多亲爱
有各样劫灾
和充满意外
因此我要努力继续能恋爱

慢慢地迈向听朝
静静地怀念昨日
再决定今天只要相信爱
叫皱纹散开唤青春归来
因此我喜欢花一天感觉一切是爱

____________________________________________

as a couple of doors close
another two appear

one door closes with a trusted friend and mentor
i feel deceived
taken advantage
when i entrusted her a project

lessons learned early
with fewer implications
than to learn the lesson
further down the road

one door opened
back to school it led
with me on the opposite side
to what i am used to
taking the chair of guest critic

____________________________________________

it's been a while
to have the chance to sing
an english song at church
as being to cantonese service
with a purpose has now resolved itself
generously from above

with work again tomorrow
in light of economic downturns
i haven't much minded the effects of shortened hours
rather have taken it as an opportunity
to take it easy
and take on other tasks
sleeping more

____________________________________________

among the noise
i have let it go
i can't stop
and catch my breath
and look no futher
for happiness
i will not turn again

humility

2009-01-11T10:22:00.002-05:00

i was asked at work 'am i mean?'
when you can ask that question
you probably are...

this morning someone at church
quickly got upset in the parking lot
for not following the rules of the one way traffic

after receiving a stern comment
with no love and forgiveness
without needing to explain myself
i replied with something positive
and i hope he had a moment of realization

i'm glad i read what i did last night below
_________________________________________

thank you for wanting...
how quickly i forget
what's important...

_________________________________________

he said that in our weakness
we are made stronger.
he said that in the kingdom of god
the first will be the last
and the last will be first.
he said that if someone asks you
to walk a mile with him
walk with him two.
he said to love your neighbour as yourself
but more importantly
love your enemies.
he said the humble will be exalted.
jesus said.

it's the opposite of what our culture is teaching
am i pursing what culture wants me to be
or the lifestyle of humility opposed
to the road more traveled

we crave being right
it's the best feeling in the world
we have to be first
we have to win
we lie to be right
we end relationships to be right
we go to war to be right

we spend most of our time trying to mold
others into what we want
we need to appreciate the differences
each person can bring

look no further

2008-11-16T10:03:00.005-05:00

I might have been a singer
who sailed around the world

a gambler who wins millions
and spent it all on girls

i might have been a poet
who walked upon the moon

a scientist who would tell the world
i discovered something new

i might have loved a king
been the one to enter war

a criminal who drinks champagne
and never could be caught

but among your books
among your clothes
among the noise and fuss
i've let it go

i can't stop and catch my breath
and look no further
for happiness
and I will not turn again
cause my heart
has found it's home

everyone i'll never meet
and the friends I won't now make
the adventures that they could have been
and the risks i'll never take

but among your books
among your clothes
among your noise and fuss
i've let it go

i can't stop
and catch my breath
and look no further
for happiness
and i will not turn again
cause my heart
has found it's home

look no further - dido

a great privilege

2008-11-04T00:05:00.003-05:00

____________________________________

'i think one of the greatest privileges
a person can have
is the opportunity
to work hard at
something that is meaningful to them'

'i have been fortunate and blessed
to be able to
pursue the various lines of work
that are meaningful to me
and to be a part of a family
that i love'

also from
'and you know you should be glad'

i should be glad

2008-10-27T00:01:00.009-04:00

one of my hero architects
______________________________________________

another one lost and dropped
because of the work schedule that makes
us lose motivation for things
we really enjoy doing.

______________________________________________

glad you're reading
glad i'm still posting...

______________________________________________

'we all, if we're lucky, have someone
in our lives like Jack - our first friends,
our oldest friends.'

'if we're especially fortunate,
they remain close to us no matter
where the world leads us.'

'we don't have to live in the same cities;
we don't have to see each other on a daily basis.
friendships - especially the oldest friendships -
don't require that.'

'no one knows us better.
no one in our adult lives saw us
the way we first were,
before the inevitable defenses
against a thorny world went up,
before the layers of protective walls
around us were constructed.'

'we didn't invite the arrival of those defenses;
we didn't willingly participate
in the building of those walls.
they come, eventually, with life -
included in the package.'

'we all have someone
who was there before all of that.
if we're lucky, the someone
is with us for a very long time.

excerpted from the book
'and you know you should be glad'

i've long awaited for a book
to bring me back to reading again.
this one is doing the trick.

gone by

2008-10-18T01:47:00.011-04:00

days gone by in japan

days gone by in hong kong
__________________________________________________

a summary of days gone by

it's sad to think
that i don't have time for this sort of thing anymore.
writing...
because reading a couple posts back
a couple months and years ago makes me think back
and reignites thoughts

this past week i felt so restless
i became impatient with people i shouldn't have.

i think back to things i said and how i reacted
and sometimes i want to take them back.

for now i'll blame it on the change in weather
and the days getting shorter.

change...
things have changed...
now that i semi live on my own
the family dynamics have changed.

i feel i'm unable to spend enough time with my parents
i enjoy the freedom
and definitely the reduced commute time to less than half
it was before

i sleep more
and i get more done.

my job has been great
coworkers good
bosses good
the creative atmosphere in the office is great
music is played loud for the whole office to hear
and we're all relatively young and very fun
a completely open office
and i got the corner seat with two windows
what more could i ask for
i'm glad i sit beside someone who enjoys talking
and isn't so restrained
because it surely makes the work days go by much faster

sadly our building got bought out and our boss
had to buy another building which is much smaller
and farther away from the city centre.

all the talk right now is about the economy...
even architects are talking economy.
it's so strange.
we'll be in the food court during lunch
with a couple of my coworkers discussing the stock markets
completely clueless of what is going on...

_________________________________________________

i'm not sure if this is good or bad news

the mansion is lost.
the architect has decided to quit.
i'm in an awkward position.

i felt the first loss of a real project.
so much work put in never to see it ever being realized
in real life...
it'll only live on paper.

the architect says she's used to it
that it happens all the time.

paper architecture sucks.
i want to see it built.
i want to learn from it.

_________________________________________________

new job
new place to live
why don't i feel satisfied?
why do i feel miserable and defeated every now and then?

i have the answers
but it's not in my ability to resolve them...

keep praying...

mr wurful

2008-10-11T20:39:00.001-04:00

something i really enjoyed watching today:

http://vimeo.com/1710866?pg=embed&sec=1710866

walking away

2008-07-18T23:20:00.008-04:00

standing on top of the edge
it feels like it's going down
everything stays in my mind
feeling in a daze on the ground

feels like it's gonna give
life's to hard to live anymore
i think i've had enough things too tough
i'm out the door

all in all it's just another day now
you're falling down
what you gonna do
standing on top of the world tonight
no one's looking back at you

things don't stop
and others announced they're moving on
salt and tears in the minds
in the mouths of a bad decision

too late for another mistake
it's bringing me down
with all your faults
it isn't your fault
what's going on

it'll be a while till you see me
one breaks down and the other ones fade
these eyes can see the days break
too late for the other's mistakes

sit down laugh thinking what have we done
is it all over before it's begun
please give me some time

i can see it your eyes you're hurting
but pain is part of learning who you are
all these truths can sometimes be deceiving
when your whole world comes crashing to the ground

carry on you say
bring the best of today
all i see is struggling on the way

i would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

what happens when everything is lying on the ground
do you pick up the pieces all around

and if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
take your chances turn around and go

start to breathe and fake a smile
it's all the same after a while
i know that you are tired
a picture frame with all the thoughts
i know you hold inside

i hope that you can find your way back
to the place where you belong

maybe when the sun crashes through the gray
i can find the strength to make it through the day

no time to cry

2008-05-27T20:03:00.004-04:00

when the one thing you’re looking for
is nowhere to be found
and you back stepping all of your moves
trying to figure it out

you wanna reach out
you wanna give in
your head’s wrapped around
what’s around the next bend
you wish you could find something warm
cause you’re shivering cold

it’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
the last thing you say as your saying goodbye
something inside you is crying and driving you on
it’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
the last thing you say as your saying goodbye
something inside you is crying and driving you on

cause if you hadn't found me
i would have found you

so long you’ve been running in circles
around what’s at stake
but now the times come for your feet
to stand still in one place

jonathan rhys meyers - something inside
___________________________________________________

the last night in halifax
and work has taken away time with friends

___________________________________________________

as days go by
and fade to nights
i still question
why you left
i wonder how
it didn’t work out
but now you’re gone
and memories all i have for now
but no it’s not over
we’ll get older we’ll get over
we’ll live to see the day that i hope for
come back to me

i still believe that
we’ll get it right again
we’ll come back to life again
we won’t say another goodbye again
you’ll live forever with me
someday
we’ll be together
someday

i heard someday
might be today
mysteries of destinies they
are somehow
and are someway
for all we know
they come tomorrow
for today
my eyes are open
my arms are raised for your embrace
my hands are here to mend what is broken
to feel again to walk on the face

i believe there is more to life
we’ll be together
someday

john legend - someday

time slips

2008-05-18T22:07:00.002-04:00

another month after the last post already
as time slips away.
i think about writing and then forget what it was.

from what i remember in a month...

back at the folks has it's ups and downs.

not having a full time job has been interesting
because i'm on my own schedule
and in some respects i need to have enough discipline
to get the job done.

the home office is nice...
the hours couldn't be better.

i wake up around 10 and procrastinate probably
till 12...by checking email eating breakfast...
and then get into it...and by the time it's 12...
lunch soon follows...

then i pay for it at night when i'm still working
until midnight which is a schedule i'm used to.

even with school and the demanding job...
life has been filled with daily task where the hours vanish
it definitely beats having too much time sitting idle.

i can see myself as a person who takes work home.
workaholic condition developing...haha
maybe not developing...probably inborn.

the convocation cermony happens in three days.
and i feel slightly odd...
is it an accomplishment worth celebrating?
i feel this school is mixed too much with politics
and not enough energy is spent into it's students and
growth in the program.

sometimes it's about who you know and how well you know them.
is this what school is supposed to teach us before we
enter the realm of work?
perhaps.

it also teaches us that in many ways
that you will not always be treated fairly as many
factors other than purely academic.
the system is flawed.
the system is reality.

well then...haha...
after some terrible comments about the school.
let's see

it's the most important week for my roomate
who has his graduation, birthday, and wedding all in one week
don't know how he is so calm and relaxed about it.
i admire his composure and his ability not to plan?
haha

last episode of friends

2008-04-21T01:54:00.002-04:00

it feels like the last episode of friends
my roomate said on the night before the flight
and then there was silence

parting is always such sweet sorrow
a short two years
seems like
a fly by
a pit stop
like waiting at an airport
for the next connecting flight
which goes back home.

now that i'm home
i have been making good use of my time
by meeting various people
and going to various places

it seems like a time of mending bridges
that have been left unsupported

i've been doing thing that only one with
free time would and could do.

cleaning out the garage...
washing the car outside...
raking the leaves...
organizing all the clothes...since unpacking halifax
playing wii...
watching tv...
and helping a friend build a model for his final project
all time well spent!

disussed the job aspect for the summer as well
with the architect i'm working with...
i have work to do and i'm glad i won't
be in the office 9-5 yet this summer.

probably start that in the fall
and perhaps start studying for those
licensing exams...

but for now...
take
it
easy

closing time

2008-04-05T01:10:00.002-04:00

for some reason this song came to my head at 2am.
closing time by semisonic.

closing time
open all the doors and let you out into the world
closing time
turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
closing time
one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
closing time

you don't have to go home but you can't stay here

so i can't stay here...

it's time to go home eh...
life planning 101 begins again.
and the struggle will begin to occupy my time...
or as proven many times before...
there will be no struggle at all.

so gather up your jackets
move it to the exits
i hope you have found a friend
closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

it's time go get back to where i came from.
it seems odd this time to go back.
home now seems somewhat like a foreign place...

i've enjoyed my time here
and the abrupt stop
will bring a time for change.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

thinking of the things i'll lose...
i've gained more than i would have thought.
i've gained a brother and sister.

when one leaves, one comes back.
god provides.
trust those two words.
because he has never failed.

in the time here...
a mere two years...
it's been eventful...

here's to an accomplishment
that was challenging and fulfilling.

we gather and we depart
we gather and we depart
one significant part of everyday life.
with different time scales at play.

it's time to enjoy the time that's left.

taking minutes

2008-02-24T01:45:00.009-05:00

all at once
the world can overwhelm me
there almost nothing you could tell me
that could ease my mind

which way will you run
when it's always all around you
and the feeling lost and found you again
the feeling that we have no control

...

keep asking ourselves are we really
strong enough
there's so many things that we got
too proud of

i wanna take the preconceived
out from underneath your feet
we could shake it off

instead we'll plant some seeds
we'll watch them as they grow
and with each new beat
from your heart the roots grow deeper
the branches will they reach for what
nobody really knows

theres a world we've never seen
theres still hope between the dreams
the weight of it all
could blow away with a breeze
if your waiting on the wind

don't forget to breathe
because as the darkness gets deeper
we'll be sinking as we reach for love
at least something we could hold
but i'll reach to you from where time just can't go

parts from
jack johnson - all at once

__________________________________________________

it's been a week with stories to tell
with moments and memories created

an overwhelming week so far
that will continue into the next

the long awaited client meeting
for the house project finally happened

it's been a bit hectic trying to prepare the work
staying up till 3-5am daily
juggling thesis and work...
and everything above and in between.

it's fun stuff.

today has been a stimulating day.
constantly on my toes
thinking of direction
timing
words
signals
and how to create a good impression.

we did a good job.
and then goes...

'keep asking ourselves are we really
strong enough
there's so many things that we got
too proud of'

i have much to learn...so much
i felt like a sales person today
pitching ideas left and right
and providing feedback and advice to suggestions

i'm happy today.
today i felt and lived as a practicing architect.
i have a great mentor.
i'm watching her dreams
unfold in front of me just as mine are.

just wanted to get that down.

努力風箏

2008-01-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

愛是無辜的風箏　拉著最在乎的人
情已逝　我還在　註定一個人流浪
愛是斷線的風箏　掙脫一開始的夢
黑暗中一步步的墜落紅塵　無法挽救的溫存
我是殘破的風箏　寧願在遙遠的天空
看你轉過身決定去實現你和他的承諾

__________________________________________

我也說過　對我　不要有太多的期望
可是　也不要低估我　我會繼續加油
繼續努力　繼續往前走
我不能夠說　我經過了很多
也不能夠說　以後的路會是怎樣

我要謝謝你

ever a good time?

2008-01-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

things happen everyday with the consideration of time
today there have been so many...

is it ever a good time to get sick?
i thought about it and it's no...
in sickness you can't do much but rest
and get better in time.

travel plans...
planning future travel plans is really tough
right now because i don't know what i'll
be doing in the summer

how long can i go
when should i leave
when should i come back

talked about current time with when is the time
to study and do work
how do we allocate our time in one day
is there an appropriate balance

i'm very thankful this term
that i don't have a heavy workload
and i can sleep in for many days
definitely has helped in getting healthy

___________________________________________________

right now i think i'm quite fortunate...
for things that haven't happened
for things that i don't have to concern myself with...
i mean...
so many things and events can take place
that if they were to happen
i wouldn't really know what to do...
i'm just glad right now
in this moment...
i sort of know what i'm doing
and i can handle the situations that i'm dealing with

bigger and more terrifying events lie ahead...
inevitable...
and i know for sure...
that i will be off guard for many of them.

unresolved

2008-01-22T22:51:00.000-05:00

got this bad feeling of restlessness this moment
it's been building up

the feeling of unsatisfaction has gripped me whole
the loss of direction in most ways

i know i need to work
and work hard
just a month ago i couldn't care less
about how thesis turns out
as long as i passed

and now...
i have this feeling that i need to do it well
a surmounting pressure on myself
that this is my last chance

what happened.
why do i care

when i do something
anything
that i got to put my mind and heart to it
and do it well

i noticed that i don't usually participate
in things i'm not good at

__________________________________________________

i think of doing things
that many times i don't do.

i wish sometimes i can help
that i have some comforting words to offer.

i'm a coward though.
i avoid when i know i should confront
i am silent when i know i should talk

__________________________________________________

how will i be as an architect?
how many more years will it take?
3? 4?
the road is so long
and by the end of it...
i hope i would not have gone down the wrong path
take the easy way

there's no easy way of becoming an architect
but after
the choice is mine to make
on what kind of architect i become

even to think that i will become one someday
is distant and odd...
how draining...

__________________________________________________

speaking of draining...
this cold i've caught is draining...

no motivation to do work
procrastinating my way through the days...

GET TO WORK!

it's gonna be one of those years of accomplishments
i can feel it...
just when i resolved to do otherwise...
augh.

always on your side

2008-01-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting
to be picked to play the game
but when your name was called
you found a place to hide
when you knew that i was always on your side

well everything was easy then
so sweet and innocent
but my demons and your angels reappeared
leaving all the traces of the man you thought i'd be
leaving you with no place left to go from here
leaving you so many questions all these years

but is there someplace far away
someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air
but never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly
why do they fly away
and i'm left to carry on and wonder why
even through it all
i'm always on your side

2007-12-18T17:20:00.000-05:00

this is school work
the experience of hotels
rethinking it and trying to reinterpret
what this user group really needs

nomadic workers
always on the go

what i've observed is that
new york is known to be a place
where one can practially get anything at anytime
but
that's only if you know where to go
and who to find

not everybody knows new york
and especially those who travel there
for business or for a short couple of days
neither do they usually have the time
to find out more about the city before they go

what i found interesting is that
my critical comment during my thesis is that
there are already so many hotels
in manhattan
why add another one

maybe my answer can be simple
although this thesis will be a book long
it's because this is not your chain or boutique
there's a need
for the reinterpretation of the verticality
in midtown manhattan

the selection of a site is by fluke
however it proves to be interesting
being completely surrounded by hotels
it may be the densest block of hotels in the world
beside behind in front
all sandwiched by hotels
is the site that i have selected

this is interesting
it made me realize that there is definitely a need
for a different hotel
i went in and up most of them
because i can
we can all go in and up a hotel if we wanted
if the entrance and reception isn't too intimidating
as i've discovered myself
some are welcoming

however
there is no need for me or you to go inside a hotel
unless we're meeting someone in some room
or to go to a restaurant or function inside
the public doesn't wanter up the hotel
without a specific destination or plan

tall vertical hotels are like skyscrapers
and residential towers
however only hotels can be easily accessed
without having to swipe a key card...
questioned by security and turned away

but there is little reason for me and you to go in
there is nothing to do there

nothing at the top of the 40th storey
where the view is great
repetitive corridors and floor plates
from 2-40th floor
none of these corridors are plesant at all
one feeble attempted to make it more pleasant
today i saw that in a hotel corridor
there were vending machines covered with tall
wooden doors with stainless steel handles
a table and chairs were set up in front of them
to be used by guests
nice try.
nothing else i've seen
has given though to this stale and bland corridor
there is no reason for guests who live in the hotel
to go to a different floor
unless it is to eat or go to the bar or swimming pool
which is typically all on the same floor

as a traveler
or...i imagined myself being this nomadic worker
who visits an unknown city
how would i feel
there's definitely anxiety and intimidation
being overwhelmed is another
and lost

where do i go to find specific items?
how do i get to where i need to
easily enough one could ask
wouldn't it be easier if one didn't have to ask?

what if within the hotel envelope
one had what one needed
wouldn't that more convenient

i've read that many business travelers
don't enjoy what they do
like most people in the world

they don't like to be away from home 300
days of the year
but it's their job
and somebody's got to do it

they say they feel lonely
they say they work is their life
they say they don't know where they are when they wake up
they say they don't have a social life

trapped in the hotel

is it possible to bridge
the locals with these travelers
to bring social activity into their lives?

is it possible to let them encounter
others in their daily routine doing everyday things
within the hotel?

i think so

why not bring public functions into the hotel
with the most public being at the top

reason to go in
reason to go up
reason for the nomadic workers to leave their
room when they have the time

this provides chance for interation
chance for meeting
chance meetings

more later...

agony

2007-12-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

just as i felt the term ending

THESIS DRAFT REPORT DUE!!!

the agony!
i'm sitting here
pulling my hair out
trying to summerize
what i've been doing
for three months...

all these floating thoughts
now need to be caught and thrown
through a printer

all need to be neatly formated
into a strict thesis document...

augh...

in two months

2007-12-01T17:32:00.001-05:00

been two months eh

it's been so long...
so long.

not that i forgot that i need to write
it's that life was getting bleak
with little improvement
and increased chaos

close once again to the finish line
of yet another term

this one seemingly longer than most
probably because through most of it
i haven't been well.

you pray for patience
you will be given an opportunity
to gain more patience

you pray for courage
you will be given an opportunity
to test that courage

i am thankful for those who have
been so thoughtful
who have lightened up dark days
where i couldn't focus and think clearly

i walked down streets
thinking
will i ever get better from this
it was bad.

i've seen many doctors
i couldn't get a clear answer
a clear diagnosis
i would get a small part from one
then some other information from another

it was like putting a puzzle together
i was trying too hard to fit pieces together
and further worsened my own cause.

stressed at being stressed.
worry that had no end.
chainlinked snowballing thoughts.

now led to brighter days
where i have the opportunity to
understand how awful it can be
with long lasting symptoms that severely affect
one to live day to day life.

i've been given the opportunity
to face the challenges of the real world
with real world experiences.
not the most pleasant of all
with many logistical issues.

i've been given the opportunity
to escape the world of reality
through a theoretical design thesis
where anything can go
though still...must back it up
with reason and justification

i thought i couldn't surpass last year
and the year before.
things that happen seem more significant
year after year.
is it because they actually are?
or is it just with age?

thesis is tireless
leaving me feeling thoroughly insufficient
with my inability to argue
my lack of knowledge
my lack of creativity
all brought out in front of
a keen audience
who know more
have seen more

it's funny when i just read
'five years in a design program,
at a sufficiently respectable design school
will bleed most of the colour
out of this person's palette
and leave them crushed and vulnerable
enough to fully engage the profession.'

it's just that.

a discussion and lecture on ethics in architecture.
i mean
how many of us
fortunate enough
really get to practice what we preach
in the real world.
first thing out of school
we're taken by the strong hold of economics.
our theory and values so quickly forgotten

that hit home.
the questions always come.
what will you do after you graduate?
where will you be?
who will you work for?

i can only say
i need a break
i'm taking time off.
but the industry is booming
there is plenty of work
i want to get my 9 licencing exams
out of the way
and i do want to complete the rest of my
unfinished 5000 internship hours.
i also want to live.
i can't stand still.

i need to be friends
with the ones i still have.
friendships seem to hang by threads
easily cut
easily gone
with some there is more holding it together
than mere threads.
it's obvious that
you miss something more when it's not there.
when it's there,
there's nothing to miss.

i'm no longer as afraid of deadlines
as i was before
i use less time to do my work
i try to sleep more instead
i've learned

i'm very thankful for support
near and far.

resourceful

2007-10-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

being highly resourceful i am realizing
is incredibly important

being able to deal with new situations and difficulties

making the best possible use of resources
and extracting the essence from them

to find the most useful
all the resources need to be throughly understood
and summarized and reinterpreted
then mixed and matched
and compiled
to formulate an argument

the headache of a thesis

but i can

2007-09-28T12:02:00.000-04:00

it's been a while eh...

i've thought about writing
but i haven't got do actually doing it...

because once i reach this page
i know i will think many things
what to write
what not to write

well
as an update
it's been an alright start of the school term
for some reason this term i feel
i just need to get through it
put in as much effort i can
and get by
maybe i've lost my motivation somewhat
maybe it's because something is going on
with my health that has yet to be figured out

lacking direction in many ways
and the post-it notes flooding
slightly stressed
slightly worried

i feel that my thesis can be much stronger
that it can have a stronger basis
a greater theoretical undertone

what am i working for...
what are you working for...

in times like this
it's a bit hard to pick it up
but i can

it's only the beginning
must go on

so soon

2007-09-03T22:57:00.000-04:00

crunch time!!!

ah crap...

it's that time when things come together
or they fall apart.

why is school starting again so soon...
the weather has been great

i need to get a running start...
my slow paced work is not getting me far...
i've become accustomed to having spare time
that i can't get used to deadlines...

it's time to pack those bags
and finish up this work term for good

stop and go

2007-08-18T19:35:00.000-04:00

if i don't say this now
i will surely break
as i'm leaving the one
i want to take
forgive the urgency
but hurry up and wait
my heart has started to...
separate...

there now
steady love
so few come and don't go
will you
won't you
be the one i'll always know
when i'm losing my control
the city spins around
you're the only one
who knows
to slow it down.

__________________________________________________

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
then waking up
is the hardest part

you roll out of bed
and down on your knee
and for a moment
you can hardly breathe
wondering if you were really here
are you standing in my room
no you're not

do i have to fall asleep
with roses in my hand
would you get them if i did...
no you won't
cuz you're gone gone gone gone gone...

__________________________________________________

looking for something i've never seen
alone and i'm in between
the place that i'm from and
the place that i'm in
a city i've never been
i found a friend or should i say a foe
said just a few things you should know
we don't want you to see
we come and we go
here today
gone tomorrow

we're only taking turns
holding this world
it's how it's always been
when you're older
you will understand

if i say who i know it just goes to show
you need me less than i need you
take it from me
we don't give sympathy
you can trust me trust nobody
but i said you and me
we don't have honesty
the things we don't want to speak
i'll try to get out
but i never will
traffic is perfectly still

when i'm older
i might understand.

seem like 25 won't do the trick.

__________________________________________________

i declare
that holidays have ended.
the only word to describe it is...
short.

time to stop thinking
and start again.

running numbers

2007-08-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

it's one of those days
where looking and going back
brings me back to a time
which was great.

on the holidays now.
where i don't really know what to do
with free time.

i think...
why do i keep myself busy.
simply i avoid

there we go...
just a minute ago
i made plans to keep my next couple hours
busy before i go fall asleep.

__________________________________________________

i have officially declared
that i'm in a state of holiday
i can do whatever...
whatever...
that's what scares me...haha
nervous laughter.

it's been another quick year so far
running through accomplishments
one after another
doing things i never thought i could.

i've participated in 4 competitions this year so far...
haha...maybe no more this year...
very stressful...
each and every one of them
haven't won anything yet...
2 lost
2 pending

i've worked 3 jobs this year...3
all architectural.
1 corporate firm
1 design firm
1 self entrepreneurial

i'll be doing my 2nd thesis starting september
topic and site still not determined.

flying on the 9th of september
school starts on the 10th

wave

2007-08-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

'with skillful hands he led them'
psalm 78:72

when unsure which course to take
submit your judgment to the spirit of god
asking him to shut every door except the right one
move ahead and consider
the absence of a direct indication
from god to be the evidence of his will
that you are on his path

as you continue down the long road
you will find he has gone before you
locking doors you otherwise would
want to enter

yet out of all the locked doors
you can be sure he has left one unlocked
when you open it and walk through
you will find yourself in the river of opportunity
deeper and wider than you dared imagine
it flows to the open sea

___________________________________________________

sometimes when darkness falls
and every light's gone out
i wonder to what port m frail ship goes
although the night be long
and restless all my hours
my distant goal
i'm sure
my pilot knows

___________________________________________________

riding the waves as the come to me

back to canada

2007-07-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

a canadian on copenhagen

i’ve come back to the place
where sandwiches have two pieces of bread
not just one on the bottom
in which knife and fork is required

i was glad to be among
my fellow canadians in the airport
all of different colours and backgrounds.
very comforting.

and english.
canadian english that is.
it felt good.

although still in my head plays
sounds of the danish language.
quite a language
i need a break for my ears.

going back to a place
where stores are open for more hours
where summer actually exists
and the land of food
not to mention cheap food that is.
no more DKK
i thought Canadian taxes are high
everything to me will now be cheap back here

after a while in Copenhagen
i became numb to prices
i forked out my money
it ran like a faucet
a leaky one

taxes were always included in prices
not like canada
where it’s always a surprise in the end
i think i like surprises.

the service in the city
was not what i expected
i very much expected courteous people
it’s such a developed
socially forward country
i would say they are a bit slow
maybe being overly critical

at grocery stores
i would get my changed slammed down on the table
and her look was of complete disgust
tossing grocery items down
like it didn’t matter

please is not a word they use often
it is more a demanding place
neither is sorry

it’s definitely a proud country
i would also say spoiled

babies are in the carriages
the size of a canadian shopping cart sometimes
they are very cool people
they think highly of themselves
and are highly concerned about how others see them

as i’ve heard
many of them reject religion and belief as ludicrous

they drink and smoke A LOT
i didn’t think they would smoke so much
but so many times
as i walk
i was behind a smoker

i said to a friend i think the people here
are very concerned about their health
then my friend said
didn’t you notice they smoke a drink a lot?
it’s all about balance i said

they are a very good looking bunch
they need to be seen and noticed

their transportation system
totally out performs any system i've seen
they've got a network of trains
new subway system
efficient bus system
a boat system
a superb biking system

they are very forward looking in terms
environmental awareness

they have five weeks of vacation a year
this year in copenhagen it has been cold
windy and rainy

when it's hot and sunny
the next day people will have
very noticable tans

in the summer
it's completely dark at 11:30 pm
and it begins to brigten at 3:30am
i experienced this a few times
when the birds started chriping
before i went to sleep

in the winter i hear
the sun rises at 10:00am
and sets at 3:00pm

it's good to be back

the story

2007-07-06T15:54:00.000-04:00

a friend of a friend
brought over a book for me from toronto

as i've had more time for everything
since i haven't been working...
nor have the mindset to explore and travel
i've been back to reading

it's funny the things i begin doing when sick.
it's now i realize
this is what i would do if i had time
it's actually limited to some things
because i can't do much when ill

so this book begins
'life, you'll notice, is a story'
okay...
you already think i will agree
and i do...
read on...

'life unfolds like a drama, doesn't it?
each day has a beginning and an end.
there are all sorts of characters
all sorts of settings.
sometimes it seems like a tragedy.
sometimes like a comedy.
most of it feels like a soap opera.'

'so if life is a story
what is the plot?
what is your role to play?
what is this story all about?'

'for most of us,
life feels like a movie
we've arrived at forty five minutes late.
something important seems to be going on...
maybe...
i mean good things do happen,
sometimes beautiful things.
you meet someone
fall in love.
you find that work that is yours alone to fulfill.
but tragic things happen too.
you fall out of love
or perhaps the other person.
work begins to feel like punishment.
things begin to seem like an endless routine.'

'we find outselves in the middle
of a story that is sometimes wonderful,
sometimes awful, often a confusing
mixture of both and we haven't a clue
how to make sense of it all.
it's like we're holding in our hands
some pages torn out of a book.
these pages are the days of our lives.
fragments of a story.
they seem important,
or at least we long to know they are,
but what does it all mean?'

and then it quotes somebody called chesterton
'with every step of our lives
we enter into the middle of some story
which we are certain to misunderstand.'

'we can discover the full story.
maybe not with perfect clarity,
maybe not in the detail that you would like,
but in greater clarity than most of us have,
and that would be the price of admission.
i mean, to have some clarity would be gold
right now wouldn't it?'

excerpts from 'epic'
john eldredge

what's next?

2007-06-26T17:20:00.000-04:00

here i am
i'll try to be honest
cuz i can

i'll try to be better
than i am
for you

i need to hear
your voice
i don't need to talk
i need to listen
i open my mouth
i close my eyes
and my wisdom is a pale disguise

you never change at all
you'll always break my fall
i love you most of all

please be still
no need to remember
where you've been
you need to recall everything
about me

failure is not the end
fox run

_______________________________________________

ski is over
finally we have concluded our submission
for the oslo holmenkollen competition
i think this is one of the coolest and strangest
buildings i will work on
just four months ago it was a nuclear plant
now...a ski jump.

it's been 2 months that i worked on it
and it was such a relief to finish
it felt odd after
my teamates and i didn't know what
to do with our lives anymore it seemed
or maybe we were just too tired to care
what was next

it was fun
i've opened my own eyes
on what i can do
and that is the best part

halfway there

2007-06-17T01:01:00.000-04:00

somehow i wish to be back home
to celebrate with you
to be happy for you
to live the moment
enjoy it...
always remember
that your efforts pay off
that when you feel tired
and that the road is endless
light is just at the end
be patient and discover that
surprises await you when you least suspect and doubt
and that is the greatest moment of joy
keep the faith

__________________________________________________

in the blink of an eye
it seems i will be leaving here
it seems i got here not long ago
and i will be heading back
to a familiar cycle

my eyes have been opened
and i've learned and experienced plenty
the venture to a once unknown city
has been more than smooth

through talk and questions with friends
i am reminded how blessed i am
to travel all the way here
to learn to live to experience
some may find it odd how i can spend so much time
on something with no monetary payback
honestly it's a leap of faith
that has been enjoyable and memorable so far
i thank my support network
and those willing to be friends
with someone here for a short three months

it's funny...
i needed a bike...i got a bike from a coworker...
i needed a ricecooker...i got a rice cooker from a friend...
i needed a church...i got a church...
i needed a friend explore the city...i met friends...
i needed a lamp...i now have 3...
i needed furniture...there's furniture in the courtyard...
i needed the word...it was read and discussed...
and even when i write it out here...
i am amazed...
the lord provides

i discover that sometimes i miss out
when i don't participate...

i find i'm the observer
quiet...watching...thinking...

as this journey continues...

from oslo to milan

2007-06-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

i'm so tired right now

it's been an exciting weekend

it all started at 4:30 at work
or what copenhageners call 16:30
the project leader is called
the boss' office
and five minutes later
i'm called into his office

'i'm thinking there are more than enough
people on the ski team
what do you think if you work on another project?'

i had a puzzled look on my face
and said
'i'd like to stay on the ski team
because i want to see the project finish'

he says
'okay then, lets make a deal.
we have a project competition for a milan museum,
can you come in on the weekend to work on it?
then on tuesday you can go back to ski.'

i didn't understand the deal
how would coming in on the weekend
allow me to work back on ski?
i didn't want to give up ski...
but now that i look at it...
maybe i do.

however
i said
'i'd like to finish ski
so yea sure i'll come in on the weekend
to work on milan.'

deal

then jds explains the project to me
and it's not bad
quite interesting

the thing is
due monday
we have two people including me
to work on it

i had friday night
saturday and sunday
i was in charge of the model

and as some of my archi friends know
i'm not a frequent model building
although i should be
i'm up for the challenge
to see if i can actually do it

i go back to meet my ski team
they looked puzzled
i looked distraught
i tell them the story
they say 'this is a test'
haha...
and so my ski coworker says
it's a good opportunity to work
so close with boss
and you have a good partner to work with

weekend plans cancelled
all cancelled...
sleep is set to minimum.
food is always bought from a restaurant.

and friday night goes to 1:30am in the office
with my italian architect coworker
how do they get licenced to quickly in europe!?!?
north american standards take min 11 years to be licenced
europe...6-7?

no too much is done that night
i get an understanding of the museum
and the site
and the design

work starts at 11am on saturday
others are also working at the office
on other projects

boss gets in a little later
and tension begins
build faster
cut faster
breathing in toxic foam fumes

i didn't think i could cut nice angles
for the foam site model
after some lessons from other coworkers
they become easy
and so did circles
buildings all cut out for site model saturday
i work to 2:00am

sunday comes along
and work starts again at 11am
boss is not in today
the two of us produce
and things get done
i keep cutting
and gluing
and on go the trees
the people
the cars

i've only seen these models on the website
and then i realized
now i'm making them myself
how cool is that
site model is finished at midnight
and it's time to take night photos of the model
with the lights inside
it looks good
i'm relieved
sunday night goes to 3:00am
and the birds start chirping at 3:30am
because the sun begins to light up the sky

monday
i get in at 9:15am
the project is due
i meet the boss on third floor
where he is taking pictures of the model himself

'very good,
you did a nice job on the model'
in his belgium english accent
i was relieved
then he goes
'!#@#@ #$#@#%, this camera doesn't work'

then monday morning i move to drawings
colour
draw
copy paste
render
extrude
we get close to submission
and i could smell the ending
of this short but extremely long
project charette of 3 days
and what an experience it is.

boss works on the drawings himself
give me this
give me that
can you do this
do that
how about this
how about that
save it and let me work on it
it's strange to see the boss
work on it
and he made images look much better
he has some sort of formula.

we print
and off it goes to milan.

copenhagener

2007-05-30T15:47:00.000-04:00

what makes a dane a dane?

the blond hair
the bikes
the smorrebrod (pronounced 'smoeurbud')
the super hard to speak language
all of the above...

today i'd just need to dye my hair blond
and i would be on my way

very excited to get a bike today
i was riding circles in our office courtyard
and i felt like a kid again
i'm still quite rusty at it

so today instead of taking 7 min
to walk home from work
it took 3 min to bike home

chinese have their dim sum
danes have their smorrebrod (open sandwich)
i had my frokost (lunch) smorrebrod today
the bread they use here is really interesting
and by interesting i mean
grainy and dense
this is definitely no white bread
it's filled with grains and seeds

they say it makes you full
and you won't go hungry so fast
very true...

one of my dane coworkers
smears pate (liver paste)
onto his bread (the dense kind)
squeezes mayo in a swirl
and cuts with sissors
green onions on top
and eats 4 slices for frokost

chinese have dimsum.
haha...

'work'

2007-05-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

my team

my spot

'work' has been strange

because it doesn't feel like work

it feels like i'm in school

working on a school project

a group project

however there's a boss

or somewhat of a professor

who critiques your work when he has time

______________________________________________

you woke the morning up

running off the darkest night

the longest light i've seen

here goes a chance i know

cashing in on all my chips

let all my ships come fly

these days

a little bit longer than the last

and all of your ways

a little bit stronger than the past

and your light

found my bottle in the night

kept me in this fight

gave me second life

and i won't back down

i won't turn around and around

doesn't matter what comes crashing down

i'm still gonna stand my solid ground

you found me once and for all

i laid it down in the sinking ground

the hopeless undertow

singing out the gentle sound

rattling through my smoking screens

my broken dreams last night

hallelujah ripped through my veins

i heard the hammer drop

my blood in the rain

hallelujah came like a train

when all is lost

all is left to gain

mat kearney

won't back down

sufficient

2007-05-20T23:26:00.000-04:00

another weekend passes...

it's been a very different one this weekend
from the ones months past

home is far away
and i'm glad my home away from home
is sufficient

______________________________________________

today the speaker at church asked
what do you miss most when away from home
in a foreign country

family
friends...

then came food
and everyone laughed

it was a far more emotional service
than i've ever experienced before
and i'm really thankful for the people there
i can't help but feel at home
in the house of the lord even far away from home

the songs were familiar
and the loving nature of people
is again brought to life
and refreshed my memory as i often forget

______________________________________________

i now have much more free time...
no commute to and from work
no driving here and there
no frequent appointments

and this free time on my own
causes my mind to drift
a lot of the times
i'll play music or a tv show to drown it out

______________________________________________

a simple message from a friend today
reminded me of a something i once did
which was of not much significance to me
but it was remembered by someone
and brought up a year later

out of office

2007-05-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

more billede

2007-05-12T23:28:00.000-04:00

my copenhagen coversation

2007-05-12T11:20:00.000-04:00

i'm not used to the drinking champagne and getting a massage

the impromptu masseuse is my competition project teamate

been 5 days in copenhagen
all things beautiful

i've walked for 5 hours today
i should probably get a bike

the office was invited

at a furniture store showroom opening

my coworkers they're all young
the boss is probably turning 32 this year

and from different places
all across the map
we've got peru
germany...france...usa...
canada...china...belgium...
greece...portugal...denmark...
sweden...mexico...

all different variations of english

i don't get paid
and even when my coworker gets paid
she said
'it's enough to pay rent and food...
but i still have to borrow from my parents'

the office is relaxed
people get in at 10-12
i get in at 9:30 and it seems late for me

i wonder how jds still has things in the office
with so many interns in and out

i have to use my own computer
they installed the latest programs that i use into it

everybody's too cool
i'd say their style is grungy
they don't pull up their pants
is that in again??
sometimes you see things you don't wanna see....
PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!??!

i'll be severly craving some real food
when i get out of here
the food has been such a disappointment....

there are few good and cheap places...
and people are willing to pay for what they get...
just like design stuff

i haven't had a danish or butter cookie yet
where are they?!?!?
it's not popular among the locals

one person asked if i ate maple syrup everyday
i would if i ate pancakes and waffles daily
they've got a health and environmental craze going on
plastic shopping bags at grocery store cost 50 cents canadian
and so i will need to bring my own bag
they should just use a biodegradable bag

2nd day copenhagen

2007-05-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

and i'm off

to work
and it's not work
it's fun so far
felt like school almost

there was a 1 hour sketch
meaning everybody in the office was
to design the facade of a bank project
in berlin

after the hour was up
we all got together and presented
and discussed our ideas
some are very cool
some alrite...
mostly avant garde
trying to push limits

and i'm working on a competition project
which is very interesting

i'm learning some danish...
but it's so hard to pronounce
augh

thank you is tak
that's all i can pronounce for now
sorry is undskyld
sorry's rough

i still have yet to discover the city
can't wait for the weekend

our firm is going on exhibition soon
in a BIG HUGE TENT
that will fit us...
and we'll be the exhibit...
not the projects...
but the people...
we'll be watched while we work
how we work
what we do
what we talk about
slightly akward
but very interesting

i've yet to take any pictures...

the weather here is very strange
5 min sunny
5 min rain
5 min hail
10 min sunny
5 min rain...
and onwards...

hopefully it can get warmer soon...

i'm off to take my danish shower.
you have to be here to know what that's like.
haha...

low fat

2007-05-05T20:35:00.000-04:00

after my blood test with the doctor
he says everything is okay
cholesterol liver blood pressure
i'm not sure what other things get analyzed
during a blood test...

except your fat level is too low
too low?!?
haha...i thought... that couldn't be true
he said low is better than high

i guess i'll have to eat more fat
bring on the fat

_____________________________________________

feeling slightly queasy for my fast approaching
upcoming departure

i avoid packing by doing work
i avoid work by packing
the tug of war continues.

i avoid both by daydreaming.
one more day before i fly...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

getting things in order
tying up loose ends
saying goodbyes

i'll be gone for only 90 days
i'll come back speaking some danish
i read that to speak danish
you got to imagine a hot potato
in your mouth
i'll come back from my first independant
venture in my life
i'll come back with a new view on architecture
i'll come back with valuable experience
and
i'll come back with souveniers...
don't worry

toss and turn

2007-04-28T01:31:00.001-04:00

today was my last day at zeidler...
too bad...
it was good there...
i got along with people...
they knew who i was...
and now i had to leave...

people i saw more than i saw
more than anybody else
these four months

it was a good last day
leaving is always bittersweet...
definitely will miss people there

in the back of my head
i was very glad i don't have to commute
and sleep early wake early

then again i still have to deal
with another project going on
which is tough...
because a lot rests on my shoulders
and deals with situations i'm unfamiliar with...
learn as i go along though...

then again
i'm leaving soon
which is very bittersweet
augh...
this constant flurry of bittersweetness
is annoying
and hard to deal with
half the time i stare into nothingness
daydreaming...
thinking...
wondering...

it's been a great four months.

i can't help but want everything
to be going well for everybody
all the time.
something impossible i strive for.

i want to know
that everything is alright while i'm here
that everything will be alright when i'm gone.

i want to let you know that everything will.
i just hope i will be.

life in lyrics

2007-04-22T23:22:00.001-04:00

i've been twisting and turning
in a space that's too small

james morrison
the pieces don't fit anymore

____________________________________________

no parachutes
no safety nets here
one foot on the water to face these fears
i'm coming out strong like i can't be wrong
i said hey i won't stall in the middle

cause you know you broke the hardest part
you know you broke the hardest heart
i'll never let this love fall in the puddle
through it all

mat kearney
in the middle

____________________________________________

it's late and i'm feeling so tired
having trouble sleeping
this consant compromise
between thinking and breathing

corinne bailey rae
trouble sleeping

____________________________________________

let me show you
what i'm made of
good intentions are not enough
to get me through today and this life

you can run from me
you can hide from me
but i'm right beside you
in this life

i'll give you all the things that i can never get
give you all i have and have no regret
take you to the places i've never been
forgive you all the things that you can't forget
take away the pain with my healing hands
wash away your sins and set your spirit free

chantel kreviazuk
in this life

too many hills

2007-04-14T18:31:00.001-04:00

and so the inevitable happens again
as i got sick last weekend
to the very familiar symptoms of the flu
i seemed to get better much faster
i just needed call in sick for two days

however it wasn't fully recovery
not even now.

i'm trying to finish one thing to the next...
as the chinese saying goes
one hill hasn't stopped...
another hill rises...
not sure if hill is the right
word to use...

i got three weeks before i fly
sometimes i begin to wonder
if it's worth all the trouble
going over there to work...
i guess i'll soon find out...

i begin to feel like
i need a daybook...
to schedule all this stuff...

2007-04-10T17:27:00.000-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

good friday

2007-04-04T14:01:00.001-04:00

did you ever wake up in and out of darkness
on a boat her veiled winds at your back?

sunny faded picture from your memory
jagged ridge for your path

were you lost inside the dream of another's choosing?
did the rhythm of your days become your foe?

were countless hours of pity like a blanket
that covered up the daylight from your soul?

were you hopeless at the thought of ever loving?
were you hounded by the curses in the dark?

did you ever give until you just quit feeling?
a castaway with a bottled heart

did you ever think the worst was bout to happen?
the river rise and waters of the flood

honestly another name for heartache
and fear like starlight shining from above

are you in the eleventh hour of your desperation?
can you dig through the tunnel and break through the night?

are you ready for the loosening of your chains?
that catch you in the shadows of your time

red guitar - ode to lonely

______________________________________________

trying to power away
to cross things listed on the list...
at least i'm getting somewhere...

it's a good friday...
time now is to spend remembering
why this friday is so good.

thank you for the cross.

signed up

2007-04-01T00:32:00.001-04:00

'congrats on finishing the competition
and getting your life back!

until you sign up for the next crazy thing
to take over your life that is.'

as my friend wrote to me just a month ago...
and so the next crazy thing has taken over my life

working at one job is never enough for me
now i have 2...

i tell myself i can't miss opportunities like these
and then i come back to reality
and realize what these opportunities mean in reality

the opportunity is as follows:

$5.2 million mansion
requires $2 million in renovations
and the owner as now asked me to do it.

find an architect...
work with the architect through all phases
design with the architect
and report back to him
until it is complete.

seems like i landed my first contract.
a $2 million contract.
nothing is set in stone yet
and many things are still up in the air.

but the thing is...
i'm leaving to copenhagen in may
and i have to go back to halifax
in september
how am i supposed to work on this?

thus the 'crazy' thing
as it exists now as my new 'side' job
i've had many 'side' things

i remember in 2005
where i was working 3 jobs
1 main 2 sides

that was when i just got back
from my 5 week backpacking in europe

my health suffered

as one thing goes up...
others go down...
it all balances out doesn't it...

well as this is now going up...
what is going down...

as i begin to think about
my current main job
and then planning my copenhagen adventure
and the side job
the backburner is now school...

school being
the 6000 word work term paper...
and thesis research and topic creation...

many things...
one at a time...
it's just the beginning
of the next crazy thing
that i've signed myself up for.

don't lose heart

2007-03-25T11:09:00.000-04:00

therefore
since we are surrounded by
such a great cloud of witnessess
let us throw off everything
that hinders and the sin
that so easily entangles

and let us run with perseverance
the race marked out for us
fixing our eyes on jesus
the pioneer and perfecter of faith

for the joy set before him
he endured the cross
scorning its shame

and sat down at the right hand
of the throne of god

consider him who endured
such opposition from sinners
so that you will not grow
weary and lose heart

hebrews 12:1-3

gaining

2007-03-19T23:06:00.000-04:00

today i notified my employer that i would be leaving
it took me the whole day
to sum up the courage
and to finally figure out to say
when asked any question whatsoever

may 6th to copenhagen
who's joining?

i've gained 7 pounds since i got back to toronto
must be all the eating...haha
and sitting at work...
and driving...
too much food!

________________________________________________

what am i to you
what are you to me
are we getting better
or did we used to be

what if the song
we used to sing

where are the souls
we used to carrying

what is a sail
without a hurricane

what is a hurt
without someone to blame

show me the sky
and i'll climb the stair

give me something
cuz i'm losing air

give me what it is you believe in
i give to you my truth
i got all my faith in you
i don't know which way we are going
doesn't matter anyway
just as long as you will stay

tell me the word
and i'll shout it out

for what is a voice
when in doubt

the world is changed
the world will change

lines

2007-03-12T23:10:00.001-04:00

comfy corner weekends...
blokus...
halifax!

the days of work in and out
is quickly beginning to lose it's buzz

as the drama of life
i try to keep at a minimum...

the heart rate monitor
suffers few beats

the occasional hiccup
of situations
becomes the excitement of a day

it's somewhat like
the calm before the storm

with nothing rushing at work
no persistent schedules
no meetings
no special upcoming holidays
nothing to celebrate

it's like life in a straight line
for now that is...

6 things

2007-03-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

i have been tagged to write
5 things people don't know about me

1
today i left work an hour early
by left...i mean sneaked out
because there was a
'something winter blues party'
at 4:30 and it was to meet new people
i was one of the new people...
but ehhh...didn't stay...
because...
once i saw the slide projector
in the party room...
i fled and completely forgot that this was
to introduce me and others to the firm
and later found out from my coworker
after the 'party' was over
that my name was announced...
heads turned...
the person who sits next to me was asked
she shruged her shoulders and said
'i don't know where he is'

2
when i was a kid
i took singing lessons...

3
i took calculus twice
because i thought 80% was too low
and ended up getting 82%
the second time around...
i just needed the midterm grade of 92%
and the i just slacked off the rest...
what a waste of time

4
i am thinking hard
about a thesis topic...

5
i don't know how to use excel
i can't stand the program
and all the formulas...
sometimes i can't
even print what i want from excel files...
augh!

6
i seriously let
what i'm doing
take over my life
just like that
thus getting severely anxious
stressed...tense...

nps

2007-02-21T21:31:00.000-05:00

if you haven't already...

VOTE ZEIDLER!!!

http://www.thestar.com/Generic/Article/183774

my blood...sweat...and tears...

thanks all...

not that the vote determines the winner...
it may influence the jury however...

my one month's work is in there somewhere...

so long

2007-02-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

happy chinese new year
_______________________________________

it's been 4 weeks
of a church deprived life

work filled

_______________________________________

as things come to a slow down
it feels like a racing car breaking
in full stop at the sight of the red light
being thrown from the seat
and into the street

now it's time to let go
of the breaks again

as it seems like this past month
has whipped past
coming to this complete stop
seems so foreign

actually everything seems foreign
i'm not used to it

as things seemed better back then
and with the roads cold and icy
slippery conditions lie ahead

i'd like to laugh a little more
think a little less
more lighthearted needed
less analysis

_______________________________________

slouched down listening to new songs
i've listened to too much of the same music
over and over and over when i was working...

i went through all those europe pictures...

i haven't had this time in so long...

that's it

2007-02-13T18:09:00.000-05:00

not an ounce of energy left.

it has brought a rollercoster of ups and downs
and
right now i don't want to work on it anymore...
i've put in all that i can...
it's up to the rest of them to pull it together now

that's all for now...

soon...
very soon...
i'll hopefully have a regular schedule
under control...

okay...
no more.

overwork

2007-02-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

more about work
a lot of the times
i produce a lot of unused material
and i.e. that would be crap no?

seems like a lot of wasted time...
but i can convince myself that
sometimes even when things don't get used
in the end
they have helped to achieve the end result

i didn't get a weekend this past week
and in about a month
i've worked a 5 weeks worth of hours...

arrg...must sleep...
nite

my day off

2007-01-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

with a whole lot of mixing up
days
weeks
thankfully not months...

the funny thing is calling my brother
on the day before his birthday
wishing him a happy birthday
thinking it really is his birthday
with him saying...it's not today.

and telling everybody that my ski trip happens
one week earlier than it really is...

finally i have a day off...
19 days straight...
back to work on sunday tomorrow...
i had to ask to have today off
or i would be presumed to be working...

what will make this worth it
is that if we win the competition...
i'm not sure the design is strong enough...
and when one starts doubting
there's trouble

^O^
big yawn
tired...

work consists of building models...
drawings...sketching...
eating out...
shopping...haha
smores pizza for breakfast
complimentry of some company
lunch and learn
doing things 'immediately'
up and down stairs
printing...a lot of printing
a lot of 'can i go now'
'is it lunch yet?'
please don't look for me at 5:30
to ask me to do more...

balance has been something
i've thrown out the window...
i'm absolutely off balance right now

and work is constantly infiltrating my mind
i've made it personal...
i've taken it home...
i've taken it everywhere...
and it has taken over me.
now i can't wait till the competition ends...
then i can have regular work...

then it's planning the trip to copenhagen!
which i'm somewhat in the midst...

sleep time.
well...after some apple pie...
and some page flipping...

days past

2007-01-22T22:06:00.001-05:00

how fast people change
and the measures taken to
become somebody else

have you convinced yourself
that you are already better than you once were
have you forgotten who you were before
do you remember how you acted
towards the same person
1 month
3 months
6 months ago

do you remember what you cared for
who you talked with
what your goals were
what made your day

as i can't ask for more
of what i'm doing
where i'm going
i sometimes want to relive
the days past

week no end

2007-01-18T17:05:00.000-05:00

hai...
i just found out that i'll be
working in the office this weekend
it wasn't a surprise...
though when you hear it
all your energy drops

i asked what time...
at least it doesn't start at 9:00...
11:00 is good enough for me

a walk in the park

2007-01-13T23:44:00.000-05:00

physically and emotionally tired...

i don't know...

have you ever been a terrible person?
yet didn't realize it.
today i was one.

a kick in the head
returned a slap in the face

the foot had no intention
the hand slaped to hurt

the sting is there for both
it pains for the unknown

i have you lord
to accompany me in my misery
when i feel like dirt
lord you remind me
of all the good things
to be thankful for

be the best person you can be
everyday.
do what you can
everyday.

yet i'm a helpless idiot
verbally damaged...

pick up the pieces
walk back into the light

everyday new experiences
surprises caused by myself

_____________________________________________

i haven't laughed in a while
right now...
i can't even fake a smile...

it get's so dark that i can't see
every dark cloud
has a silver lining
i'm waiting for the sun to shine
i'll wait until the day i die

i'm tired of living in the shadows
but i'm not giving up on me
i can't worry about tomorrow
or what each new day is going to bring

_____________________________________________

working 7 days a week eh...
hai...
for the time being...
i dug the hole
i've got to crawl back out.
alive that is...

_____________________________________________

some days...
all your accomplishments mean nothing

_____________________________________________

i sat upon the roof
and stared the stars down
for a reason why
or something i can do
everything that mattered yesterday
so far now...

sleep gets just a little easier...

zzzzzeidler

2007-01-13T12:40:00.000-05:00

not able to fall asleep every night
for the past week
too much stress?

my holidays have been over for a while now
it has been very devoid of architecture

work started on monday
didn't have too much to do yet
until today
which i volunteered myself
to work on a competition that
the firm has been shortlisted on

thankfully it will be paid...
probably less than normal...
but he said competitions are usually
volunteer unpaid work

i think it's because this competition
means a lot to the firms reputation in the city
and it's an important one to win

i'm very excited to be a part of it
yet...it can't be part of my
9-5:30 monday to friday work
it must be after 5:30 monday to friday
and weekends.

the goal is end of this month...
deadline is mid february
results early march.

well...my energy is wearing thin
and it's been an unorganized first week at work
though things won't be getting much better at the office
i will get to work on something challenging and interesting

it's good to be working
on one of the most happening streets in toronto
it helps bring life back after work is over
there's so much food and shops around
it's great.

i'm not enjoying the commute and the 9-5
just isn't bringing much joy
and weekends seem to be written off...
the reason for my delay in writing is that
i don't get much time to just sit around...

yea...1am...friday night...
time...
saturday work...augh...

i hope my team members pull through...
it's gonna be a rough one
and i have high hopes...

my regular work
the 9-5 weekday
is currently a nuclear power station redevelopment
masterplanning and etc...
new buildings such as admin...
storage...labs...visitors centre etc...
interesting because there is a
significant focus on sustainability and
attempt in conveying that nuclear energy is
an environmentally friendly resouce
this project will be more organized starting monday.

and there's a ski trip organized by my office
on feb 2nd...
i haven't even skied before...
i would like to snowboard...
whoohoo...skiing...

new coworkers...
alrite...must go to sleep...

06-07

2007-01-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

happy new year

2 0 0 7

___________________________________________________

2006 was a fast year

sick of being sick
this time the cold has caught me

my new years resolution will
be to boost my immune system
and to be healthy

in my time of third rest
the thought that i should be learning something new
working on something
being productive
crossed my mind ample times
in which my weak mind responded
i simply can't

yet when i can
i've go full out and exhaust myself

___________________________________________________

2006 realizations

everybody has their own strife and struggle.

sadly i find out all the time
how many people are better...faster
i know...
we all have our gifts.

it's always disappointing to find out
ones who do less work who don't try as hard
to do better by other means

the world isn't fair is it.

i've realized my shallowness
and my need to hold back
from everybody.

i've realized that if i don't part with myself to others
others will not part themselves to me.

i've realized that if i believe in something
with everything i have
i can accomplish it.

i'm not willing to participate in conversation
in many situations.

i'm willing to go far.

that my heart is no stronger
than my strength to hold back a smile.

all i can

2006-12-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

when you're on your own
when you're at a fork in the road
you don't know which way to go
there's too many signs and arrows

you haven't laughed in a while
when you can't even fake a smile
when you feel ashamed
the uniform don't make you brave

all i can do is
love you to pieces
give you a shoulder to cry
when you need it

when the day is long
and the night is coming down on you
when you forget your name
the pleasure can't disguise your pain
and you don't feel the same
i won't forget the love you made

what a lovely day to shape your dreams
and you don't even have to sleep
you can make it what you want to be

you can fly away
you can change your name
have a happy face
it can be so real

all i can do

chantel kreviazuk

meaningful

2006-12-24T18:02:00.000-05:00

this christmas is really different
from the previous christmas years

no party organizing
no present buying
no big gatherings
no snow
no christmas tree
no cold weather
no christmas music playing

i began to think about chrismas a different way
to all those celebrating
there are many others
who don't
who can't
who won't

no invitations
no presents
nobody to give to

then what happens

what about doing something meaningful
what about talking about something worth your time
since returning to toronto
i've felt strongly
that it isn't about what we have
or how much of it
or who has this and who doesn't

i'll come back to this...

narration

2006-12-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

'i can't do this all on my own
i'm no superman'

the theme song to scrubs

the show cracks me up.
it's a very down to earth show
and human in many ways.

i feel like i do the exact same thing as dr. dorian...
i narrate my life...

__________________________________________________

yesterday i got two christmas cards in the mail
the first one of the coolest cards i've seen
you turn this wheel and the snowflake becomes a star
at first i thought it was more of an advertisement
than a christmas card
then i opened to see that it was from my previous firm
with all their names signed all over

however
my name isn't on the card
and so the people signing the card
don't even know who the card goes out to
as the hundreds they sign
the only thought could be
how many more are there

the second one
honestly i wasn't so impressed
but words from a friend on the inside
make it much more meaningful than the first
it could just as well be a piece of paper with words
and it could well surpass the first

and then
taking a look at the back of the card
it says it was painted by mouth
by someone with disability

the irony
the first made by a large corporation
the second made for charity

__________________________________________________

everyday is made up of tests

some are tests of character
some are tests of fortitude
some are tests of friendship

it's the kid inside of us that keeps us from going crazy
it's the nervous laughter that keeps us sane
it's to help others to let us know we have a purpose
it's to let ourselves be helped so that we are reminded
we can't do everything on our own

christmas eh

2006-12-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

still sitting at home
recovering recovering yet again.

a great chance to watch more tv

the christmas tree isn't up for the first time
can't go out to do christmas shopping...
then again
what is christmas really about eh

and that time to contact everybody
and stay in touch may just about fall through.

yea...well...
that's for me not knowing the meaning of rest

i passed another term
never want to come into contact
with that ridiculous course again

finally...my horrible headache is finally gone!
i hope it doesn't come back...
hot and cold hasn't hit me in the past 3 hours.
all i need now is energy.

again

2006-12-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

arrr...
sick again...

sucks.

may i

2006-12-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

sleep sleep sleep

it's that day of rest i've been wanting
yet i fill it up with multi tasking to death.

up the stairs down the stairs
inside going outside
pack
move
organize
lift
carry

i'm tired.
my throat is sore.
i feel like i'm gonna drop.

no more

2006-12-05T22:05:00.000-05:00

no more please...
it comes the time again...
where pressures and stresses lead to bizzare happenings
you wonder why you're doing that
or you wonder how you're doing that

and then in the blink of an eye
it will all be over
and just go...
that wasn't so bad...

it's just the pain and agony right now
to finish

december is always the same isn't it
sort of want time just to slow down
rather than push forward

one thing after the next
as one event requires the next
as if one domino falls to push another

as if the stresses of life
need to come find me now
as if i were standing alone on a small island
with my arms stretched out
screaming pick me

somehow
some way
this is beyond me
and beyond my own comprehension

'in the evening
when the work of the day is done
and you have time to sit in the twilight
and watch the sinking sun
while the long bright day dies slowly
over the sea
and the hours grow quite and holy
with thoughts of me'

somehow
i know in my month off
lacking deadlines
and school...work pressures
i will fall into thoughts...

for now...
i will enjoy the lack thereof.

規勸

2006-12-02T14:26:00.000-05:00

攔路雨偏似雪花飲泣的你凍嗎
這風褸我給你磨到有襟花
連調了職也不怕怎麼始終牽掛
苦心選中今天想車你回家
原諒我不再送花傷口應要結疤
花辦鋪滿心裡墳場才害怕
如若你非我不嫁彼此終必火化
一生一世等一天需要代價

誰都只得那雙手靠擁抱亦難任你擁有
要擁有必先懂失去怎接受
曾沿著雪路浪遊為何為好事淚流
誰能憑愛意要富士山私有
何不把悲哀感覺假設是來自你虛構
試管裡找不到它染污眼眸
前塵硬化像石頭隨緣地拋下便逃走
我絕不罕有往街裡繞過一周
我便化烏有

情人節不要說穿只敢撫你髮端
這種姿態可會令你更心酸
留在汽車裡取暖應該怎麼規勸
怎麼可以將手腕忍痛劃損
人活到幾歲算短失戀只有更短
歸家需要幾里路誰能預算
忘掉我跟你恩怨櫻花開了幾轉
東京之旅一早比一世遙遠

你還嫌不夠
我把這陳年風褸
送贈你解咒

富士山下
eason chan

_______________________________________________

one week left...
hang in there...

figures

2006-11-29T15:29:00.000-05:00

who decides that these figurines actually get made?
haha...
a lot of time goes into designing
manufacturing
packaging...
couldn't they think of something better?

the soccer player on the left is called chocolo
the only one with a differnet ethinicity
in the whole group of collectible soccer players
from the snack...and we got it!
as for the one on the right
we decided would be chocolo's admirer
we deem these two figures as trophies

but that's to the loser of blokus...
loser trophies...haha...

copenhagen

2006-11-26T01:17:00.000-05:00

this is where i may be working
in less than a year

_________________________________________________

the 'who knows what will happen'
phrase has appeared in many instances lately

it's unreal that there are only two weeks left
i seem to think i have a plan in my head
of how things will work out
seems alright for now
i can still hold down the fort

better now from all the sick
definitely did get plenty of rest
after all
that's what getting sick is about

_________________________________________________

the topic on my mind is this
growing up

places i've been
things i've done
i've had my family
i've had great friends
i've always had somebody to rely on

in the family
being the youngest
definitely has the notion of being protected
i've always been protected

haha...
today i got
'he's really growing up...awww...'
haha...
hai...

growing up.
it's like
a tug-of-war
one side pulling
the other pulling back

i want to know that i can handle
yet i need to know
that if i fall
i'll be caught
part of me needs to prove it

because i know
what i'm capable of
my thoughts have been here
for more than two years

words strung together
in my mind they make sense.

_________________________________________________

in two weeks
i'll be leaving halifax

who would reject
the best of both worlds

for me
it's been jumping back and forth
between two worlds

get used to one
go back to the next

i've grown accustom
to a life here in halifax
i've been really fortunate
it's been a smooth ride
thanks to many
and thanks to the one above
always looking out for me

you know...
i will go home
knowing i will wonder
what goes on here

i've thoroughly enjoyed
three terms of school
only that the end of the third
which is now
seems to drag on forever

_________________________________________________

for my upcoming work terms

i first asked to get into one firm
i got in
i felt i was selling myself short
knowing possibly i could be trapped
doing work i know is mundane
and that i've complained about many times before
other aspects would make me want to be in toronto
very comfortable

i then asked for something more interesting
avant garde
i got in
no pay

do i want to work for picasso
for free
do i want to work for my neighbourhood painter
for money
haha...maybe neighbourhood painter is a bit harsh
but this is a neighbourhood painter
going international
the paintings are not as special
but this painter is prolific

contagious

2006-11-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

trying to find a song
that will sing out my thoughts
maybe that's why people
start writing lyrics.

when i found a couple lines
that matched
i had to switch out of it.

heavyness is contagious
one after the next.

then i hit this song...

i lived a lot of life
i caught a dream or two
it's been a sweet ride

but i've faced my share of nights
searched like we all do
looking inside

now i'm standing here
because you've made it clear

this heart inside me beats because
you love enough to take my cross
i'm alive
you gave your life to shatter death
so even after my last breath
i'm alive

...next song

i tried to figure it out
time and time again
and time again

i guess there's just some things i'll never understand
because your ways are not our ways
but deep down in my soul
there is one thing that i know

i'm in over my head
right where i want to be
i'm lost within your love
the love that always covers me
so high
so deep
so wide
a strong and cleansing tide
my soul has found a place to rest

i've been holding on
now i'm letting go
just letting go
going to let your love carry me away
i don't know where i'm going
but i'm surrounded by the truth
and i can feel the current pulling me
deeper into you

you see me for who i am
you did reach out your hand
you made me understand

i'm in over my head
right where i want to be
i'm lost within your love

talk

2006-11-18T15:35:00.000-05:00

when you think you hit rock bottom
look again...

there's no hot water
no heat
thankfully it isn't too cold

i can't even fathom my school work
or put my mind to it...
before i got sick i was
already i'm pressing myself

coughing till 4am last night
not sleeping
walking around
thinking of any remedy that i could possibly try...
nothing worked...

i searched to listen to my mp3 player...
to put me to sleep...
it had gone missing...
as i've tried to look again...
nowhere to be found

going through the stages of being sick
one symptom at a time...

i can't talk
i felt so feeble...
not being able speak on the phone

when i thought i was getting better
i found out i was headed the other way...
and no...
i don't know how to take care of myself...

and as i know it will only take time
before i will get better

getting sick
has allowed me to know

that many people care
given many words of comfort
thanks...

and when i was hoping for words
of comfort...
a simple...
...
...

one does not
one says i brought it upon myself
one doesn't let me explain

yes...
i make the wrong judgement calls
i know what i've done wrong
i already know...
you rub it in...
you remind me...

for now...
i don't want to talk...
i don't know where to look...
my words just break and melt...

fever

2006-11-14T17:19:00.000-05:00

sick

seemed that i was waking every 10 min
when sleeing last night

hot and cold
hot and cold

can't remember the last time i got sick
don' think i have this year

haha...
funny how two people
say that it was because i stare at my computer
too much that i get sick...

what i've done today is watch heroes
and slept...

now that i am well behind in my work...
don't want to push myself...
do what i can...

maybe sleep some more...
aching all over.

car chasin

2006-11-11T01:08:00.000-05:00

we'll do it all
everything
on our own

we don't need
anything
or anyone

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and forget the world?

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel

those three words
are said too much
they're not enough

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden that's bursting into life

lets waste time
chasing cars
around our heads

i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

all that i am
all that ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see

i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

would you lie with me and forget the world?

chasing cars - snow patrol

2006-11-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

thoroughly aggitated...

the unexpected

2006-11-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

condensed words more impact?
sure...for now

until i can garner up time
to barf out what i have to write.

at this moment
i feel immense pressure
from many sides of life
remembering the juggling analogy
i read before

in my mind
one too many glass pieces in air

first couple of white hairs on my head
reasons can be applied.

mind so compressed.
need to release air valve.

hoping it would get better tonight
yet expectations lead
to dangerous outcomes
of unfufillment

____________________________________________

comes once in a while
good intentions
retured in thrashings

all work put into the publication
gets retured in
i'm not happy you didn't ask my approval
glad roomate is completely on my side
somebody on my side
we fired emails back
and this is extremely damaging on ourselves
and on our own concious
trampled too much already
trampled by one who has been MIA
for 4 months even worse
now with his fingers pointing at us
not getting his approval

when we reply
had to make clear
put all the effort
returned nothing but slack

gave some slack back
maybe not slack
but entire clarification
and an understanding of who shouldn't
be pointing a finger

i wonder the response.
he definitely would have expected that

not in me to be the
one ticked

the unexpected leads to...
where it has led me now

____________________________________________

great theatre ideas
keep pushing and pursuing

protest

2006-11-06T18:27:00.000-05:00

tedious
annoying
getting no where
wasted time
frustration...

anti-schoolwork protest and demonostrations
have been taking place in my room today

scramble

2006-10-31T01:22:00.000-05:00

feeling mighty pressured and stressed right now...
with one more month of school left
i have still yet to shift into a higher gear
don't know what's gotten into me this term
there's been too much work and rework

my brain's a mess
and i don't know which course to handle first...
because they're all scrambled

it's that time again...
to sleep and just forget about it...
it will have to do for now...
until i figure out some better way...

wave

2006-10-25T23:54:00.000-04:00

maybe if i sleep now the day will be over
and perhaps i can pretend things didn’t happen
i am reminded to spend time praying
and to find true rest in my soul

for
waves that have come crashing
reminded me how insufficient i am
waves that wouldn’t give a second thought
of what is being crushed underneath

‘all your waves and breakers have swept over me.’ psalm 42:7

they are his waves
whether they break over us
hiding his face in smothering spray and foam
or smooth and sparkling
spread a path before us
and to our haven bear us safely home

they are his waves
whether for our sure comfort
he walks across them
stilling all our fear
or to our cry there comes no aid nor answer
and in the lonely silence none is near

they are his waves
whether we are hard striving
through tempest driven waves that never cease
while deep to deep with turmoil loud is calling
or at his word they hush themselves in peace

they are his waves
whether he separates them
making us walk dry ground where seas had flowed
or lets tumultuous breakers surge about us
rushing unchecked across our only road

they are his waves
and he directs us through them
so he has promised
so his love will do
keeping and leading
guiding and upholding
to his sure harbour
he will bring us through

bish

2006-10-24T23:02:00.000-04:00

52 d k m

i'm getting used to not doing any school work
it's overated anyways
i feel i care less about school
grades especially...
too much school for one year

this is what i'm listening to
http://somafm.com/
'tag's trance trip'
to get myself on top of things...
it's working

____________________________________________

i have plenty of things to catch up on...
#1 is sleep
i was doing so well
until procrastination caught on again

____________________________________________

remembering the smoked salmon...
lamb chops...
cake...cake...
bish bish...

need to win another...

mr pig

2006-10-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

________________________________________________

coffee influence
lack of sleep
self inflicted
deadline tomorrow

paranoia.

live up to a name that is created

cloud 10

2006-10-16T21:58:00.000-04:00

_____________________________________________

who works on cloud 9 anyways...
definitely not me

want to work...
very tired...
yawn instead
deadlines...deadlines
draw lines...draw lines...

feeling great joy
reminds me
how much pain and suffering it took
to achieve it

you want greater joy?
well then...
you must first decide to suffer greater pain

is it worth it?
it most definitely is.
bring it on.

1 cloud ahead.

dkm | 52

2006-10-16T01:06:00.000-04:00

CONGRADULATIONS DKM | 52

we made it!

whoooohooooooooooooooooooooooo!

flash

2006-10-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

a week flashes before my eyes
and it's time to quickly...
or very very slowly...
catch up on the work i've left behind

at this moment i'm really enjoying home
with my huge books around me
places to sketch, read, compute
multiple projects spread out
all on the same desk
lots of natural light

knowing that dinner will be cooked for me
it's me and my grandpa home right now
so i can play my music loud
he's upstairs
i'm downstairs
they all will be home soon enough...

it was snowing just a couple minutes ago
now it's sunny
though still freezing outside

off to montreal tomorrow
then to halifax sunday
and then
the fun begins...

catching up on all the school i missed...
arrrrrrrrrr...

haha...
i shouldn't ruin this peaceful moment.

rise again

2006-10-06T15:33:00.000-04:00

when i am down
and all my soul so weary
when troubles come
and my heart burden be
then i am still and wait here in the silience
until you come
and sit a while with me

you raise me up
so i can stand on mountains
you raise me up
to walk on stormy seas

i am strong
when i am on your shoulders
you raise me up
to more than i can be

never whole

2006-10-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

think.
breathe.
cry.

why do you not want me to be who i am.

cry.
breathe.
think.

change me to be a better person.

think.
breathe.
cry.

i can't pick up the shattered pieces.

cry.
breathe.
think.

i only have one pair of hands.

think.
breathe.
cry.

i never was whole to begin with.

why did i get my answer so soon.
a fire has been lit.
in this i shall burn.
i shall continue to be hurt.

i won't be afraid.

__________________________________________________

o...
the scrapbook you made for me.
today i have made great use of it.

with that first picture being the one in the post
when i am feeling
stressed
sad
lonely
discouraged
home sick
overwhelmed

it has reminded me to keep these in mind...

how far i am willing to walk

when it gets really windy...to hang on tight
the storm will soon pass

too keep dancing
to keep fighting
there's always another way
think outside the box
to eat
to drink
and be merry
someone's load could be bigger than mine
that i have been through a lot worse

that i shouldn't give in to stereotypes
to remember my dreams

to keep on climbing..
don't give up
get lots of rest
don't be afraid to ask for a helping hand
to take a walk on the beach as the sun is setting

home is not that far away

each step you take forwards
brings you closer to the end

to pray

how happy i've made people

happieness is not that far behind

remember all those who support you
and this is the moment where
i could no longer see my screen

remember my accomplishments
remember
there are lessons to be learned
in every challenge
in every experience
never stop learning

remember how happy you were in the end
it will all be worth it one day

thanks o...
i will always keep this gift with me.
it has made me remember...
a much appreciated thanks.

shine more

2006-10-05T00:35:00.000-04:00

today is a major day of procrastination
took a nap...
and yes...
it's not like me to take naps...
nor is it like me to skip class for a week...

i'll be leaving again coming saturday
to toronto then to montreal
for a week
which means skipping class

i don't know where i'm finding my inspiration anymore
definitely isn't coming from school...
unmotivated...uninspired...

i have an interview tomorrow in toronto.
i'm unsure where i can go coming january
for my work terms

i'm in a term of self improvement

come on...bring something of a higher level to the table.

'it was good for me to be afflicted' psalm 119:71

it is a remarkable occurance of nature
that the most brilliant colours of plants
are found on the highest mountains
in places that are most exposed to the fiercest weather

the brightest lichens and mosses
as well as the most beautiful wildflowers
abound high upon the windswept storm ravaged peaks

already knowing where these passages are taking me...
i wondered where do i need more qualifying...
in what aspect do i still need to burn
how can i become brighter
i don't know what fires are up ahead
i only hope that i can remember
that after the fire
i will only shine more.

stay true to yourself.
and follow where your heart leads.

further down

2006-09-29T16:53:00.000-04:00

if today could be any crappier.

being waken up at 6am is not a great thing
to discover that i've missed something very important
before i went to sleep

and then waken up again by the constant noise
of construction in the apartment.

futher...
it seemed like everyone was doing things slower
to piss me off

without much motivation for my third term of school this year
i've fallen into a trap of not doing anything
probably because the courses are not inspiring

futher...
it's gloomy...windy...and rainy outside...
with small flakes of white stuff floating in the air...
no...it's not snow...
it's probably something toxic...
ah...but what can i do

what i can do is sit here and continue
moping around at how miserable my day is...
it hasn't ended yet

i always do this when these days come around...
i eat mcd's
arr...makes me feel better for those 20 minutes
then back to reality...without those french fries...

is that all i had going today?
french fries?
sadly...yea....

i found it very hard to crack a smile and joke...
riding on a rollercoaster that goes up and down
when's the next up...
because this down is taken me far below

time to get lost in my work and loud music.

right?

2006-09-25T01:42:00.000-04:00

back to the blog
when nobody can hear
what this heart screams

an overflow of questions
leads me
to the question of who i am
and if i am a person
who has the capability
to negativly influence others

without a doubt
i have this capablity
we all do

then comes into question
what is negative?
that is subjective

the title
life isn't easy
but learn to enjoy and love

i'm learning the first part of that title
more and more every day

then...
what is love?
and am i even capable to exhibit this
even once a day?

is there much good left in this world?
i believe that i am not one to perpetuate the notion
that there isn't

questioned to be fundamentally incorrect
yet i cannot find it in me
to understand that i am
only i have been seeing through these eyes
only i have been hearing through these ears

notice all the i's
and me's
the selfishness of my thought

ongoing...
the thought
if i'm right
and you're wrong
or
you're right
and i'm wrong
is there no in between?
and is there cause to immediately reject...
ah...the complexities...
do you sit and listen
or do you ache to interrupt with what you believe is right?
do you try to convince because that is assertive
or do you try to convince because you believe
and do you still try to convince
when you know
it would be clash and conflict?

and harsh to ever say
i'm right
you're wrong
nobody likes the latter part
because that is insulting
to however many years of existence
that it has taken to finalize this conclusion

i would be the most naive...
only because i know
that knowing less is always better
yet we always strive to know and learn more

no conclusions have been made
yet many questions have arrived
my innermost intention is not to light a fire
and the chinese saying goes
paper cannot cover a fire

my innermost intention questions
whether one is capable of living
in acceptance to what one believes is fundamentally wrong
and how much it takes to
really live in acceptance
to what one believes is fundamentally wrong

i hope that you believe in me...
i believe in you.
there is a yet...
but if there is acceptance
the yet disappears...
and i hope that i am not a
negative influence on you

all this hope...
left to be realized...
i'm sitting on the edge here...

i'm thankful i get the time
to ponder and talk about these questions

because believe me
haha...
i'm not always right.
just kidding...
i always am.

minutes of relief

2006-09-20T18:06:00.000-04:00

come and talk of all the things we did today
hear and laugh about our funny little ways
while we have a few minutes to breathe
and i know that it's time you must leave

darling be home soon
i couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdle
it's not just these few hours
but i've been waiting since i've toddled
for the great relief of having you to talk to

and now a quarter of my life is almost passed
i think i've come to see myself at last
and i see that everlasting moments
have happened in the time i spent with you

so go and beat your head against the sky
try and see beyond the houses
and try to see beyond your eyes
it's okay to shoot the moon

letter

2006-09-20T01:32:00.001-04:00

i know somebody who works with kids that have cancer
someone sent him this

'sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon
come out of the operating room.
she said how is my little boy?
is he going to be all right?
when can i see him?"

the surgeon said
i'm sorry
we did all we could
but your boy didn't make it

sally said, why do little children get cancer?
doesn't god care any more?
where were you god
when my son needed you?

the surgeon asked
would you like some time alone with your son?
one of the nurses will be out in a few minutes
before he's transported to the university

sally asked the nurse to stay with her while
she said good-bye to her son
she ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.
would you like a lock of his hair?
the nurse asked
sally nodded yes

the nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair
put it in a plastic bag and handed it to sally
the mother said
it was jimmy's idea to donate his body
to the university for study
he said it might help somebody else
i said no at first, but jimmy said
mom, i won't be using it after i die
maybe it will help some other little boy
spend one more day with his mom

my jimmy had a heart of gold
always thinking of someone else
always wanting to help others if he could
sally walked out of children's mercy hospital
for the last time
after spending most of the last six months there
she put the bag with jimmy's
belongings on the seat beside her in the car
the drive home was difficult

it was even harder to enter the empty house
she carried jimmy's belongings
and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room
she started placing the model cars
and other personal things back in
his room exactly where he had always kept them
she lay down across his bed and
hugging his pillow
cried herself to sleep

it was around midnight when sally awoke
laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter
the letter said:

dear mom, i know you're going to miss me
but don't think that i will ever forget you
or stop loving you
just because i'm not around to say i love you
i will always love you mom
even more with each day

someday we will see each other again
until then
if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely
that's okay with me
he can have my room and old stuff to play with
but if you decide to get a girl instead
she probably wouldn't like the same things
you'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like

don't be sad thinking about me
this really is a neat place
grandma and grandpa met me
as soon as i got here and showed me around
but it will take a long time to see everything
the angels are so cool
i love to watch them fly
and, you know what?
jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures
yet, when i saw him
i knew it was him
jesus himself took me to see god

and guess what, mom?
i got to sit on god's knee and talk to him
like i was somebody important
that's when i told him
that i wanted to write you a letter
to tell you good-bye and everything

but i already knew that wasn't allowed
well, you know what mom?
god handed me some paper
and his own personal pen to write you this letter

gabriel is the name of the angel
who is going to drop this letter off to you
god said for me to give you the answer
to one of the questions you asked him
where was he when i needed him?
god said he was in the same place with me
as when his son jesus was on the cross

he was right there
as he always is with all his children
by the way, mom, no one else
can see what i've written except you
to everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper
i have to give god his pen back now
he needs it to write some more names
in the book of life
tonight i get to sit
at the table with Jesus for supper
i'm, sure the food will be great

i almost forgot to tell you
i don't hurt anymore
the cancer is all gone

i'm glad because i couldn't stand that pain anymore
and god couldn't stand to see me hurt so much either
that's when he sent the Angel to come get me

signed with love from: god, jesus & me'

journey

2006-09-17T17:56:00.000-04:00

_______________________________________________

my cause for concern
is it a cause for your concern?

if there was not such a purpose for concern
i would not have known how concerned i could be

different roads taken
lead to different roads ahead

as always
they have intersected
paralleled
overlapped
crossed

highways
sidestreets
one-way
two-way
roadblock
proceed with caution
winding
signs everywhere indicating direction

how much further?

driving along
with my lights on high
following you
who is ahead of me

don't go too fast
i try to catch up
the fog is thick
i am concerned

know that i am
slow down
so i won't get lost

or even better...
lets get there together.

far from lost

2006-09-13T01:00:00.000-04:00

when everything seems
far away

my strongest line of defense
is a smile i can't hold up
when nobody's looking

and then
when i least expect it
it robs me blindly
when i discover it
at first glance
it seems i have nothing left
i dig deeper into my pockets
and pull out something more
than what is lost

i will adapt to what is gone
yet having it was so great before
only reminds me to cherish
what was in the past
and not take it for granted

when i knew this day
was something eventual
it's always different than how
i pictured it to be
i will make the most of it
as we will continue to strive
higher, farther, greater
no different.

remember the time that was
listening to the song that brings it all back
it's not bad after all
to know that those days lie shortly ahead.

the present
is mere time to make
the future even better.

time and again

2006-09-07T01:54:00.000-04:00

it's that time again.

time to pack.
strange.
feels like i've lived halifax
for a very short while
wonder why...
the weather is getting colder
and all signs are pointing directly
back to school

it's the fourth time
i've been back to toronto
since starting my studies
i'm back home every even month
february - one week
april - two weeks
june - one week
august - one month
back again in october - several days
and again in december - several weeks
so i will have been home 1/4 of the year

coming back this time things are different
brother is living in a new home
making me feel like an only child

changes have come
and life has become fresh and new
getting used to it
imagining the future
and realizing the past
that has made the present
and then...
it seems to make sense...

really doesn't feel like i've been home for a month
probably because i've been out
most of the days...
missed some people i wanted to meet up...
always next time.

5600 hours of internship
the count down starts january 2007
bugger.

cheers

2006-08-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

a tribute to those who have made this year
much sweeter in many ways.
from a peaceful day at centre island
to a family filled keg steakhouse dinner
to a windy picnic
to a very memorable bbq comparable to last year
to a tasty cheesecake to someone named derek
to photoshopped pictures
through ecards
to real cards...haha...ecards aren't real
to gift cards
i have two new shiny pets
a mountain of new books
a new shirt
lai c's...haha...that is for kj
thank you for making 24 start off so well

______________________________________________

hide me now
under your wings
cover me
within your mighty hand
when the oceans rise
and thunders roar
i will soar with you
above the storm
father you are king
over the flood
i will be still
know you are god.

find rest my soul
in christ the lord
know his power
in quietness and trust
i will be still
know you are god.

reuben morgan

prioritization takes priority

2006-08-27T01:17:00.000-04:00

one after the other
never a moments rest
a troubled mind
i keep wondering how i get this far

when i'm down
when my souls in need of rest
come your words
of comfort and of hope
i see your face
always smiling back at me
a stream of light
shining straight to the heart

there's a road
that leads me to this place
a path of love
running straight to the heart

over the years
i've learned one important thing
its that real friends
shall never truly be apart

take this gift
it is all i have to give
a prayer of love
forever straight to the heart

________________________________________________

a day at the hospital
can really set priorities straight
good health is a blessing
and shouldn't be taken for granted

and then
to know that i really have friends
is such a great feeling
that cannot be traded

one thing i vow to change
is to not have people wait for me
i really don't like the feeling
sadly i feel time always works against me

right now
i know i need to take time to finish
my portfolio...
but i also know i need sleep...
need to sit down and relax...

i can't do 4 things at once...
one always trumps the other

one always trumps the other...
that's priorities for you.
what do i value more...
i value my work more than my health
all the way up until something goes wrong.

always the case...
we learn from mistakes...
yet sometimes we never learn
and continue to repeat
what is a mistake anyways...
augh.

i'm quite impressed
with those who work in the hospital
i couldn't do it myself
glad there are people who do
and can still smile and care
for the patients inside

all in all
many lessons possibly learnt for me today.
application is another story...

diluted

2006-08-20T00:40:00.000-04:00

spread too thin
weak at the knees
weak in spirit
i miss days that have passed
some days i just want to go back
sometimes i want to move forward

i admire your optimism
in so many situations
where i know i would fail

working so hard
i know
stay strong
stay focused
spare some time to reflect and think
reflect on the things you've accomplished
think about those who care
and fall asleep in peace
lean on me when you need
if i am not around
remember not to be afraid
because i will be soon enough

time is filling up too fast
too soon

where is the time to work on my portfolio
to apply for work in january
do i use each spare moment i have?
do i spare days for it?
i need more spare moments
to rest my eyes
to rest my mind
to rest.

i need to stop running around.
i need time to be free.
to think about nothing.
and to simply stop scheduling
and spreading myself more.

23 fast approaching 24
thinking about last year...
i vaguely remember what happened last year
the more i think about it...
the more i remember...
another year eh...
no more 23
what a year i've been blessed with

coming back home
to things that have changed without me
because people will always move forward
because time still continues...
what can i do
i want to move forward with those
who mean something to me.

spread too thin
like peanut butter on bread.
like over diluted coffee.
the taste is there...
but it's just not that good.
ya know?
i know it very well right now.

great pumpkin

2006-08-15T00:55:00.000-04:00

a lengthy absense in other aspects of life
a great need of recharge and plug in
an update in need

i see myself as a sad singularly focused person
only one thing is on my mind at a time
and if it's that one thing
then i will disregard many other things
awaiting attention

this design competition
i've been labouring over
with my group members
and other very important people
since july has totally worn me out

haven't had a break since term end
nope...
i am ecstatic about our project submission
i think it's worthy of podium placement
yet high hopes brings higher disappointment...

our submission...
cultivating potentials
social housing in the city centre of halifax

can't wait to know the results!!!
will continue to work on it tomorrow...
and mail it away to montreal
for jury deliberation
the results will take place oct 14...
way too long
probably heading to montreal on that day
with my group members!

________________________________________________

for the sake of the competition
i have forsaken many many many things
i feel that i've lost something
i've missed important things
many things of which i really wanted to do
to go to...
to gather...
to celebrate...

yet i did gain
many happy moments
that can never be traded

________________________________________________

linus and his great pumpkin
what he always looks for every halloween
but never finds
maybe i'm not linus after all
for i have a great pumpkin

terms end

2006-08-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

school has been over for a week
plenty to do still...
working towards the top

i've been a tourist in the city once again...
write more when i get back home
very soon.

clarity

2006-07-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

foundry model
simple clear response
this project has largely developed
over a three month period

_____________________________________________________

it's been a while
last day of term
finally...

i always think the next term would get easier
just like this term
it hasn't become any easier
1/3 way to the masters degree
not bad at all

on happiness
and how to maintain
and perhaps retain it
may take a while...
next post next post...

opened thoughts

one can dream

among the noise

humility

look no further

a great privilege

i should be glad

gone by

mr wurful

walking away

no time to cry

time slips

last episode of friends

closing time

taking minutes

努力 風箏

ever a good time?

unresolved

always on your side

agony

in two months

resourceful

but i can

so soon

stop and go

running numbers

wave

back to canada

the story

what's next?

halfway there

from oslo to milan

copenhagener

'work'

sufficient

out of office

more billede

my copenhagen coversation

2nd day copenhagen

low fat

toss and turn

life in lyrics

too many hills

good friday

signed up

don't lose heart

gaining

lines

6 things

nps

so long

that's it

overwork

my day off

days past

week no end

a walk in the park

zzzzzeidler

06-07

all i can

meaningful

narration

christmas eh

again

may i

no more

規勸

figures

copenhagen

contagious

talk

fever

car chasin

the unexpected

protest

scramble

wave

bish

mr pig

cloud 10

努力風箏